As he went into the living room and saw the Christmas tree and decorations and the fire, he showed some emotion for the first time since getting home. ‘It looks so homey and lovely,’ he said, turning to her and smiling. ‘Like the first Christmas after we got married.’
Belle drew the curtains as he sat down in the chair by the fire. ‘We could play cards. Or read. I got some books from the library I thought you might like.’
‘Or we could just sit here and look at the fire,’ he said. ‘You never used to be so jittery. Is it because of me?’
‘I think it’s just because we’ve been apart for so long,’ she said truthfully. ‘It must be the same for you. We can’t turn the clock back to where we were before you went to France.’
She sat down on the hearthrug next to his chair. ‘We hardly ever got to do this before,’ she said. ‘You were always working in the bar, and I’d be up here drawing hats.’
He reached out and touched her shoulder. ‘We always had so much to say to each other then, though. You’d think after all this time away we’d have even more.’
‘I expect in a few days we’ll be like that again,’ she smiled up at him. ‘I felt very strange coming back here, and it must be even stranger for you.’
‘Everything was easy at Haddon Hall,’ he said thoughtfully. ‘No one expected anything of me, the other men had been through the same as me, we didn’t have to talk.’
‘No one expects anything of you here either,’ she pointed out. ‘Especially me. But you must say what you want; mind-reading isn’t one of my talents.’
He smiled at that. ‘Would you think me miserable and ungrateful if I said most of the time all I want is complete silence?’
She shook her head. ‘That’s understandable. I often feel that too when Mog is wittering on. David, he was the stretcher bearer I worked with, once told me he couldn’t bear to go home because he knew his mother would keep questioning him. I knew exactly what he meant.’
‘Maybe we’ll be all right then,’ he said.
Jimmy looked very troubled when he wanted to go to bed and found the boxroom was still just that, full of boxes. ‘You didn’t have time to clear it?’ he asked Belle.
‘I didn’t try,’ she said. He’d mentioned this room at her last visit, but mindful of what Dr Cook had said, she’d ignored it. ‘You are sleeping where you belong, with me in our room.’
He looked panicked then. ‘But I’ll disturb you if I have a bad dream. I can sleep on the couch.’
‘No, Jimmy,’ she said firmly. ‘You belong with me. And if you have a bad dream you can tell me about it. I’ve put your pyjamas on the bed. I’m just going downstairs to get you some hot milk. By the time I get back I expect to find you in bed. No more arguments.’
It was just on closing time. Garth was still in the bar and thankfully Mog appeared to be in there with him, otherwise Belle knew she’d be firing questions at her. As she heated up the milk in the kitchen she struggled not to cry. Jimmy hadn’t shown any signs of wanting to kiss her all evening. Apart from the odd pat on the shoulder, he hadn’t touched her either.
She didn’t know how to say, ‘You don’t have to make love to me, just hold me.’ But how could that be? There was a time when she could say anything to Jimmy. Mostly they hadn’t even had to speak to make themselves understood.
How could she break through that wall he’d built around himself? What was he thinking?
As she went back upstairs with the milk, she half expected him to be back in the living room on the couch. She was too tired for confrontation tonight, so if he was, he could stay there.
To her surprise he was in bed, hunched up over to the right, with the covers up to his ears as if he thought he could make himself invisible. She put the milk down beside him and said she wouldn’t be long, then went into the bathroom.
He had drunk the milk and was back in the same position when she returned in her nightdress. She got into bed beside him, turned out the light and said goodnight.
Belle waited. He had never, ever failed to kiss her goodnight since they got married. But she could feel how rigid he was without even touching him.
Finally, unable to stay silent any longer, she spoke. ‘If I had been wounded instead of you, I’d still want you to hold me,’ she blurted out. ‘I can’t remember one night in this bed that you didn’t fall asleep with your arm around me.’
He didn’t answer.
‘Don’t pretend you’re asleep,’ she snapped at him. ‘Ignoring me won’t make this problem go away.’
‘Don’t whores know everything about men?’
His reply, though almost whispered, seemed to reverberate around the dark room. She couldn’t really believe he could say such a cruel thing.
She was too stunned to come back at him quickly and just lay there in the darkness.
‘I can’t believe you’d say something so cruel,’ she said eventually, her voice shaking. ‘I know what I was, but you used to be the kindest, most selfless man I ever met. As your heart appears to have been blown away along with your leg and arm, I might as well go back to France and leave you here to rot alone in self-pity.’
She got out of bed then and stumbled off to the living room. She felt as if he’d struck her.
It was impossible to sleep. She was cold as there were no covers and she couldn’t go and get any without alerting Mog that something was wrong. She was angry and deeply hurt because she had never imagined that Jimmy would throw her past at her, especially to avoid any physical contact with her.
She hated that she was trapped now. He could be as nasty as he liked, but she couldn’t walk out on him. It wouldn’t be right to expect Mog to pick up the pieces.
Maybe he was just lashing out at her for making him sleep with her. But in almost all his letters in the past years he’d said how he dreamed of being cuddled up with her in bed. He must remember that, and however afraid he was that he’d lost the ability to make love, surely he would still want her close to him?
She heard him get up in the night and the clonk of his crutches as he went to the bathroom. She held her breath, so sure he would come and find her and apologize, but he went straight back to the bedroom and shut the door behind him.
Long before it was light, when there wasn’t a sound out on the street, Belle got up, put her clothes on in the bathroom, brushed her hair, pinned it up again neatly, and then went downstairs. It was Christmas Eve, the busiest day of the year for the pub, and Garth and Mog would be down soon to get ready for it. She dreaded seeing them, as whatever lie she told them, Mog would see through it.
So she put on an apron and laid the table for breakfast, her intention being to brave it out and pretend she had just got up early to help them. She laid a tray for Jimmy too, because if she gave him breakfast in bed, by the time he came downstairs later, Mog and Garth would be too busy to notice anything was amiss.
She was frying bacon and eggs when Mog came down. ‘Ooh ducks! What a lovely surprise, but you should’ve stayed in bed and let me do that,’ she said, her small face wreathed in a smile. ‘How’s Jimmy?’
‘He was still asleep when I came down,’ Belle said. ‘I’ll take his up to him.’
She took Jimmy’s tray up as Garth and Mog sat down to eat their breakfast. He was lying the way he had been the night before, hunched up on his side as if he hadn’t moved all night.
‘Your breakfast, Jimmy,’ she said curtly. ‘It might be a good idea if you stayed up here for now. I don’t want Mog to realize something’s wrong and get upset.’
He turned over on to his back and she saw his eyes were red and swollen. ‘I’m sorry, Belle. That was unforgivable of me.’
Half of her wanted to accept his apology and say she knew he hadn’t really meant it. Yet the other half was still too hurt to forgive that readily. ‘Nothing’s unforgivable given time, and some evidence you didn’t mean it,’ she said cautiously. ‘But right now I feel wounded, so sit up and eat this so I can go and get on with the c
hores.’
‘Please stay and talk to me,’ he begged her.
‘I can’t. There’s too much to do downstairs. I understand that you feel only half a man, and that you’ve got to come to terms with what’s happened to you. But shutting me out and being spiteful about my past is not the way to deal with it. I’ll talk to you later.’
She told Mog and Garth Jimmy was tired and was going to stay in bed. As they had so much to do, neither of them questioned it. Belle went into the bar with Mog to clean it, and Garth went down to work in the cellar.
Later on Belle went outside to polish the brass on the bar door. It was bitterly cold and the fog so thick she couldn’t see across the street. She felt desolate, scared and overwhelmed by the prospect that this would be her life from now on, with domestic chores being the only way to work off her frustrations.
Around mid-morning she took tea and cake up to Jimmy. He was sitting up in bed reading a book, and as she put the tea down beside him he tried to catch hold of her hand, but she shook him off and left the room.
Mog took him up some sandwiches and soup at lunchtime. She reported that he looked ‘peaky’, and had said that he’d stay upstairs so as not to get under anyone’s feet.
‘He’s a brave lad,’ she said fondly. ‘It’ll be nice tomorrow when we can all be together with no bar to worry about. There’s that many people in there now! Four deep at the bar when I took some clean glasses in and it’ll be even busier tonight. I wanted to go to the midnight service but God will have to excuse me this year, I don’t think I’ll have the strength to walk up there after we close.’
Belle was glad there were plenty of glasses to wash and sandwiches to make. After the bar closed for the afternoon, she swept it out and washed the floor again, then cleaned the outside lavatory the customers used, to avoid sitting with Jimmy. Her anger had gone now; she just felt bruised and very tired.
It was well past eleven when Garth finally pushed the last of the drinkers out of the door and locked up. He had been drinking steadily all evening and was swaying on his feet. Mog pushed him off up the stairs, and then she and Belle collected glasses and wiped off the tables and bar.
‘The rest can wait till Boxing Day,’ Mog said, surveying the floor swimming with spilt beer and cigarette ends dropped on it. ‘I’ll just put the takings away, and then off to bed.’
It was Belle who went around checking the doors and window were locked and turned the lights out. She was dead on her feet and knew she couldn’t face another night on the couch, but she didn’t want to have to face Jimmy either. She knew he wouldn’t have found it pleasant during the evening in the bedroom with all the shouting and laughter in the bar below. She’d last seen him at half past six when she’d taken him up a cold supper of ham, cheese and pickles. But then, he knew what it was like at Christmas in a public house, so he wouldn’t have expected any of them to go in and see him.
He was reading in bed when she came into the room in her nightdress.
‘Garth sounded drunk,’ he said. ‘He was muttering to himself out on the landing. You’ve all had a busy night, and you look very tired.’
‘Yes, I am,’ she said. ‘I could sleep for a week.’
‘I’m really glad you’ve come in with me,’ he said. ‘I am so sorry, Belle. I was horrible to you, and I wish I could take it back.’
‘It’s all in the past,’ she said, and reached out to stroke his face. ‘It’ll be Christmas Day in a few minutes. Mog used to tell me when I was little that there’s magic in the air at Christmas, so perhaps we’ll wake up tomorrow and everything will be right with the world.’
She got into bed and he turned out the light. As she was dropping off to sleep she felt him kiss the back of her neck, and he whispered that he loved her.
Chapter Twenty-Three
On Christmas morning Belle got up at seven while Jimmy, Mog and Garth were still sound asleep, and lit the fire in the living room.
She had woken to find Jimmy curled into her back and it felt so good she decided to put aside her hurt, and make sure everyone had a really nice day.
After she’d got the fire going she went downstairs, cleared up from the night before and put the turkey in the stove to cook. Later, when she heard Mog moving about upstairs, she took up a tray of tea and suggested they all went into the living room.
Mog had made a real effort with her appearance. She was wearing a rose tea dress with darker pink embroidery on the bodice that Belle had never seen before, and it made her rather sallow complexion brighter. She looked delighted that for once someone else was organizing things and happily sat down in the living room.
‘I thought I’d make us all bacon sandwiches to eat up here, then we can open our presents and have a nice lazy time,’ Belle said, putting the tea tray down by Mog for her to pour.
Garth came in then. He was clearly suffering a little from the excesses of the night before, but he’d put on a sparkling white shirt with a winged collar and a dark green jacket.
‘Is that tea? And did someone mention bacon sandwiches?’ Jimmy said at the door. ‘My word, you all look very posh. I must look like the poor relation.’
‘You don’t at all,’ Belle said. He was wearing the brown cardigan Mog had knitted for him, and she could appreciate that made it a great deal easier for him to get on one-handed than if he’d been wearing a jacket. ‘And yes, you did hear bacon sandwiches mentioned, I’m just going down to do them. You make Mog stay here and put her feet up.’
Jimmy sat down in an armchair, his crutches beside him. Belle bent down to kiss his cheek before leaving the room. ‘You look more rested today,’ she said.
He put his hand on her cheek and looked into her eyes. ‘I slept better with you beside me,’ he whispered.
It turned out to be a lovely day. Outside it was as bitterly cold and the fog still just as thick, but that just made it seem cosier by the fire. Mog’s presents to them were all things she’d made herself. She must have planned it all a year ago as there was a handsome dark green cardigan for Garth, a soft flannel shirt for Jimmy and a red lacy wool shawl for Belle.
‘I couldn’t buy anything for any of you,’ Jimmy said sadly.
‘You gave us the best Christmas present of all just by being home here with us,’ Belle said, putting her new shawl around her shoulders.
Garth looked surprised as Jimmy and Belle opened the presents from him. Everyone laughed, knowing full well Mog had bought the pyjamas for Jimmy and stockings for Belle. But Garth had bought Mog’s present all by himself and got the shop to wrap it. It was a silver fox fur to wear over her coat, something she’d always wanted. She screamed with delight when she opened it, then leapt at Garth to hug him.
‘I didn’t think you were listening when I kept on about it,’ she said. ‘I’ve never had anything so lovely before. I’d better start going to church again so I can show it off.’
As Garth had let Belle in on the secret, she’d hidden away in her bedroom to make a hat to go with it. It was a cloche style which suited Mog, a silver grey satin base with slightly darker grey trimming and two toning satin rosettes to one side. She’d bought Garth a green and white silk cravat, and Jimmy a chess set. She knew he’d played chess a lot while at Haddon Hall, and she hoped he would teach her so they could play together.
Mog made them all laugh by putting on the hat and fox fur and swaggering around the living room like a duchess. Belle realized it was the first time she’d really laughed since she’d come home from France, and it was good to see Jimmy looking relaxed and happy to be back with them all.
Annie had sent Belle a box of very grand chocolates. But lovely as they were, Belle would have been more pleased with a letter showing some concern for Jimmy and asking how they all were. There wasn’t even a brief note in the package.
‘I really wonder about her sometimes,’ Mog said indignantly. ‘I wrote to her too, you know, when we heard about Jimmy. She didn’t bother to reply. Yet I bet if she was in a tight corner she’d b
e over here at the speed of lightning.’
‘Well, she won’t get any joy from me if she does,’ Belle said. ‘I’m not even going to thank her for the chocolates. Thank heavens for you, Mog! One of you is worth a hundred of her.’
Later Belle and Mog went downstairs to see to the dinner, leaving Garth and Jimmy playing chess.
‘Jimmy’s much better today. Or maybe it’s just because you are being nicer to him,’ Mog said pointedly as they prepared the vegetables.
‘I kept away from him yesterday, because he said something horrible to me,’ Belle blurted out. ‘I didn’t deserve it, and I’m not going to put up with any more of it. But it’s over now, I said my piece and it’s forgotten.’
‘I hope you can go back to how you used to be,’ Mog said wistfully. ‘But I suppose that’s crying for the moon; this war has changed us all.’
‘Maybe one day we’ll find it’s changed us for the better,’ Belle said, and went over to Mog and hugged her.
Mog broke away after a few moments and caught hold of Belle’s face between her two hands. ‘I know you better than anyone,’ she said, looking right into Belle’s eyes. ‘So I know something happened to you in France. Not just Miranda being killed, or the sights you saw. Something else. Whatever it was, you can tell me.’
Mog had always been able to sense if there was anything troubling her, and Belle remembered from the past she’d always felt better by unburdening herself, but she was an adult now, and some things were better kept secret.
‘I just grew up,’ she said and smiled at the older woman fondly. ‘When Jimmy and I got married I had everything I’d ever hoped for. I believed all the bad times were over and we’d live happily ever after. I know you thought the same too when we moved here and you married Garth. But it didn’t turn out that way. Maybe we need bad times to make us fully appreciate the good ones.’
‘Today seems a good one,’ Mog said.
‘Yes, it does, so let’s just be glad of that.’ Belle said. ‘I’m going to lay the table and we’re going to stuff ourselves to bursting. We’ll forget about the war and what the future might bring and just be happy together.’