There. That was as good as it was going to get. Before I knew I’d begun to cry, Zane had started to rock me gently back and forth.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “It’s not fair. And I’m sorry.”
“Did you understand any of that?” I wiped at my face again.
“A little.” I felt him kiss the top of my head. “I think you’re saying that your sister’s actions are triggering memories of your father, and your mother seems to think everything is fine. And you’re worried that with him gone, there won’t be a voice of reason in your lives. Something like that?”
I nodded. “My mom isn’t here right now. She’s thinks she is. She thinks she has everything under control and that she’s moving on, but she’s not. And Dad was always the steadier one. He was my rock.”
“And now you feel like the only rock in the family is you?”
“Yes.” A small tear crept out. “Except I’m the one with autism. How am I supposed to help anyone when I can’t even help myself sometimes?”
“Whoa. That’s enough.” His voice was surprisingly stern. “As your older brother-friend, I’m gonna put my foot down. Stop this negative talk. You already know I think you’re a genius, that I think you may be the only sane person I’ve ever met. You know what I believe you’re capable of, so this? This right here? It’s done now. No more using this genius ability of yours as a crutch. It isn’t a crutch. It isn’t something bad—it’s amazing! And you have the capability to save the world one day with that mind, but you know what? You won’t if you continue to belittle yourself like this. From here on out, you’re going to rethink your psyche and focus on your super powers.”
I pretended to roll my eyes, but really, I could hardly breathe. “You sound like my dad.”
“Good, because someone needs to snap you out of this. You’re not stupid, you’re not a freak, you’re not an idiot, you’re not . . . anything you think inside your head or say out loud. You. Are. Amazing.”
I couldn’t speak. I was in so much of an overdrive, I began to shake. But it was a good shaking, not something scary or bad, but so, so needed. It was like his words were finally sinking in, and I understood that someone actually cared. He was giving me permission not to be what I thought everyone thought of me. I wasn’t that girl. I was this . . . this . . . completely different person. I was someone I’d never imagined I could be. Someone my dad always said I was, but no one else ever cared enough to say it. Until now.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN: Tick-tock
Zane and I sat there and talked for way longer than I realized. By the time he pulled out his phone to check the time—seven thirty—I blanched. I’d been gone at least two hours! Holy cow, my mom was going to kill me. She had to be worried sick by now.
“I have to go.” I jumped up.
“Do you need a ride? I could drop you off.” Zane brushed at his shorts as he stood.
I wanted to, but … “No. I think I’ll walk.”
“Are you sure? It wouldn’t be that big of a deal.”
I checked in my pocket for my phone to text my mom before it dawned on me that I didn’t have it. Great. I really had to get moving. “Thanks for stopping and making me feel better.”
“So cuddle therapy worked, eh?”
I grinned. I had to. “Sure. Whatever.”
“You don’t sound too convinced. Should we try it again?” He wrapped his arm around my shoulders.
Laughing, I pushed him off. “No.”
“Fine, suit yourself. But think how much happier you’d be after another session.”
“I have no doubt.”
His smile dropped as he looked at me. That gaze connecting with mine—yeesh. It nearly took my breath away.
“Are you sure I can’t convince you to take a ride home?”
I shook my head. “And let the world know we were together again? I think not.”
“Hmm…” One eyebrow rose. “Maybe there’s a downside to having such a genius friend.”
“Sister.”
“Fine. Sister-friend. Happy?”
“Almost.”
“What would make you happy?”
You. I took a deep breath. “I’m fine. Anyway, I really should head out.”
“So you keep saying.”’
Good grief. “Keep saying? I said it like once. Maybe twice.”
“Your point?”
He looked so dang kissable, I could smack him. “Never mind.” I chuckled. “Stop being such a dork.”
“Nope. You wouldn’t love me if I stopped.”
Love. There was that word again.
He coughed. “Right, well, um … I don’t want to leave. So, are you coming with me in the car, or are we staying here longer?”
I grinned and threw my hands in the air. “You can stay here all you want. I’m walking home.” Brushing past him, I headed toward the gap in the chain-link fence.
Zane followed. “Okay. But it’ll be crazy to come all the way back here to get the car again.”
“Hey, I never said you had to follow me. You’re the crazy one.”
“I never said I wasn’t the crazy one. Only pointing out how essentially crazy I am.”
I glanced over at him, and my heart skipped a beat. I couldn’t believe he was actually walking me home again. Where did this guy come from? And what in the world was I going to do without him?
After a few seconds of silence, my curiosity got the better of me and I asked, “So, how did Loni take the whole ‘Ellyn’s just a sister’ thing?”
His step faltered a bit. “I’d rather not say.”
“That bad, huh?”
He sighed. “Yeah. I was an idiot.”
“Hey! Who’s using negative self-talk now?”
“Touché.” He smirked. “But really, I shouldn’t have—I mean, I should’ve seen how talking to you would hurt her.”
I felt awful. “I’m so sorry.”
“It isn’t your fault! I’m definitely the one who keeps perusing you.” He looked back at the bleachers. “Take now, for instance. You told me to go away, and I didn’t, did I? I was worried about you, so I sat down and prodded until you finally shared what was wrong.”
I bit my lip. “Will Loni be mad about that?”
He shrugged. “I have no idea. She’s a girl, so probably. Especially since it was you I was talking to.”
My stomach lurched. “This isn’t helping.”
“I know, sorry. I’m just . . . Why is this so hard, anyway?”
“Because it isn’t just about us. It’s about other people too. And their feelings matter.”
“You were crying. And alone.”
“So?”
“So?” He looked surprised.
“You came here to stop thinking about me. Not to help me. Isn’t that what you said?”
“Yep. Figured running would be a good way to vent some steam and remind myself why Loni matters so much to me.” He kicked a rock with his shoe. “Except then I found you and forgot all about Loni again.”
“I can’t do this.” I felt like I was going to be sick.
“Me neither. Why can’t life just be simple and uncomplicated?”
I walked faster as my stomach churned. I had to get home. “Let me get this straight. You’re upset because you can’t have your girlfriend and flirt with me at the same time?”
“I . . . uh . . . well, when you put it that way…”
“You need to make up your mind.”
“I have. You won’t accept it. I mean, I haven’t—yet. But I already know your answer. You told me before.”
This time, I understood exactly what he meant. “No.”
“See?”
“No. Not even. We barely know each other.”
“Ah…” He took a deep breath and slowed his steps. “Which brings us full circle back to your dad.”
Wow. I think my mind had just blown. “Yes. It does.”
“All right, I’ll drop it. You need time, you need space, and I need to figure out what
to do on my end. But I’m not giving up! Don’t think that I am. There’s something here. The timing might not be perfect right now, but it’s there. And I don’t care what you say, I’m not going to deny it, either.”
My heart did somersaults and back flips, and with my lurching stomach, I didn’t think I was going to make it. “On second thought, do you think you could run back and get the car?”
He grinned. “Definitely. Had a change of heart?”
“Nope. I think I’m going to be sick.”
“That bad?”
I nodded.
He took off. “I’ll be back as soon as possible.”
“Thanks. I’ll meet you in by the ticket counter in front.” I hope.
Five minutes later, my worries about my mom became reality.
“Ellyn Charlotte Dashwood! Where have you been?” she asked as I burst through the door.
I held my stomach and walked past her. It had only gotten worse. “Not now, Mom. I’m not feeling good.”
Just then, Zane came through the door.
What was he doing here? “I told you I was fine,” I said to him. “You didn’t have to come in.”
My mom’s jaw dropped. “You took off to go on a date with Zane?”
“No.”
“And you didn’t tell anyone where you were going?”
“No, Mom.”
Zane held up his hands. “It wasn’t like that, Mrs. Dashwood. We bumped into each other at the school.” He gave me a guilty look and mouthed the word “sorry.”
I’d told him he should stay outside. Now maybe he understood why.
“What were you doing at the school?” Mom asked me. “You’ve never left for that long before. I nearly called the cops.”
Ugh. None of this was helping. “I have to go.” I ran to the bathroom right as a spasm ripped through my stomach. I barely made it to the toilet in time. It was awful. I was positive this wasn’t one of those big-brother-friend moments Zane signed up for. I knew he could hear me, even if I’d managed to shut the door first. Why was life so hard? Seriously.
I heard a tentative knock, but couldn’t stop the heaves from coming long enough to answer. “Ellyn, are you all right?” Mom asked.
Did I sound all right? I could never understand why people asked such odd questions. It was ridiculous. After a few more seconds, I was able to groan out, “No.”
I could hear Zane on the other side. “I’m sorry. I found her at the school and we talked for a while, then she said she was going to be sick, so I got her home as fast as I could. I didn’t think she’d actually throw up, though.”
“Zane, go away!” I coughed and then heaved again. Ugh. “Just go!” I was never going to be able to look at him again. Or my mom. Or anyone else, for that matter.
I didn’t hear him leave, but thankfully, the talking stopped, and so did my vomiting. I stood up and washed my face with shaking hands, then brushed my teeth. I was too embarrassed to say goodnight to anyone, so I just headed straight to my room.
My mom came in a few minutes later and walked over to my bed, where I’d curled up under the covers. “Hey, honey. Are you okay?”
“I don’t know.”
“What’s wrong? Did you eat something bad?”
I shook my head. “No. I think it’s just stress.”
She perched on the edge of the bed and touched my forehead. “And what are you stressed about?”
Honestly? She didn’t know?
“How can I help you?”
I attempted to grin. It must’ve looked more like a grimace because she got worried again. “Are you okay? Do you need to run to the bathroom again? What can I do?”
Ugh. “I’m fine, Mom. I promise. I just need to breathe for a minute and be by myself.”
She nodded, but didn’t get the hint. “So, about Zane. Did you know he’d be up at the school? What was he doing there so late?”
I. Just. Couldn’t. Do. This. Right. Now. “Mo—om,” I whined. “Stop.”
“What?” She blinked innocently. “Am I not allowed to be curious about what happened?”
“No. Not now, not ever.”
She chuckled and tucked my blanket around my shoulders. “Well, guess what, sweetheart? I gave birth to you. I carried you around and fed you and held you—and you’re still my baby. You’ll always be my baby, and that gives me the right to be curious about you. So deal with it.”
Our eyes met. She really was so pretty. I knew that all she wanted was for me to fit in and be happy, and to see me dating someone had to be some sort of amazing dream come true for her. Something she’d been praying about for years. Except—I wasn’t dating someone. I wasn’t planning on dating someone, and every time I thought about that someone I wasn’t dating, a tiny piece of my heart began to hurt. And I really couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t.
“I love you,” I said.
She looked shocked—happy, but definitely surprised. “Well, thank you. I love you too. What brought that on?”
I shook my head a little. “Please don’t bring up Zane. Despite what it looks like, we’re not a couple. We’re not dating.”
“He really really likes you.”
My jaw dropped. “Mom!”
“What?” She smirked. “He does. I can tell.”
“How do you know?”
She shrugged. “Call it mother’s intuition. It doesn’t matter—he does. And he worries about you and thinks about you and loves being around you.” She was getting way too excited.
“Okay, but that still doesn’t mean we’re together.”
“Why would you say that?”
My elbow began to itch, and I needed to hurl again. One part of me just wanted to shout, “Because he has a girlfriend!” But I didn’t. I stopped myself just in time. I’d promised them I wouldn’t tell anyone, and that included Mom. “Because we’re not together, Mom. Trust me. We’re just friends.”
She stood up and gave a knowing grin. “If you say so.”
I winced. “Right. Well, I do. And you’ll have to trust me on that.”
I felt her light kiss on my forehead and opened my eyes.
“When you feel better, I’ve got leftovers for you in the fridge.”
I couldn’t even think of eating at the moment. “Okay. Thanks.”
“Goodnight. And if things get worse, let me know.”
I nodded, but didn’t trust myself to speak right then. Another spasm decided to kick me in the gut. Life couldn’t get any better if it tried.
* * *
My upset stomach turned out to be an actual virus. A really awful one. Maralyn headed back to school on Monday, and I was home for two more days after that. Then just as I got better, Katelyn caught it. My mom was positive it would never go away.
People had warned us when we moved that we’d probably pick up all the extra viruses since we weren’t immune to them, but wow. New Mexico really knew how to pack a punch! I’d never expected to get that sick.
By the time I made it back to school, Maralyn and Harrison’s relationship had jumped notches. I shouldn’t have been surprised when I walked into the building Thursday morning and everyone was talking about them, but I was.
They were definitely an item. Sitting together, holding hands, nonstop texting, flirting—the works. Maralyn made sure everyone knew Harrison was her guy and to back off. It was the one subject they couldn’t drop—that, and how cute they’d look going to prom together.
I’d forgotten all about prom—but since it was the end of March, the school advertisements were everywhere. They wanted to make sure I never would forget about it again.
My elbow began to itch. Why was there so much pressure to do things you’d never get invited to anyway? Gah. I hated this stuff.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN: Sensational
Harrison’s prom invite for Maralyn was what every girl like my sister dreamed about. Big, loud, public—and incredibly, ridiculously romantic. The type where you wanted to gag, but didn’t dare because all the other girls
around you were swooning.
He pulled out all the stops, using the school assembly and the principal to execute a perfectly timed invitation by microphone with balloons, flowers, all her friends on the dance team, and also the school mascot uniform. Yes. It was that epic.
But while it was going on, it took me a minute to catch what was happening. The principal invited Maralyn down to the floor. I was sure he was introducing her as one of the new Bloomfield dancers, as the music began and the team started to dance around her. However, once the mascot came out with balloons and flowers, singing one of the latest romantic songs, I knew it was Harrison asking her to prom. He pulled off the mask, and the audience went wild.
In the end, the dancers each held up a letter that spelled, MARALYN WILL YOU GO TO PROM?
Everyone swooned and sighed as she said yes and Harrison scooped her up into a big hug and kiss, and it was enough to make people pass out. I couldn’t believe he’d gone to all that trouble. It was incredible, really. And in a way, it made me like him just a tiny bit more. Mostly because he had no problem announcing to the world that she was his. With as flamboyant as she was, she needed that. She needed someone in her life who matched her enthusiasm.
Though I’d completely prepared myself for it, when Zane asked Loni to prom, it hurt a lot more than I expected. His invitation was much more subdued and private, and she made sure to tell me every detail. He’d bought her favorite flowers and taken her for a walk, and then casually asked her if she’d like to go with him. Of course, she gushed and hugged him and said, “Yes!”
“Isn’t that the most perfect way to ask a girl to prom?” she asked me as we were heading out of class.
Actually, if I were to be asked, that’s the exact way I’d prefer it. “Yes. Totally.”
She sighed and clutched her books to her chest, as if she was trying to make this all that much more uncomfortable for me. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. Maralyn definitely had the prom invite of the century, but as for me, I completely get why Zane didn’t go all out. It just isn’t his way.”