They were out the door and on the road before many people had even awakened for the day. The plan was to make it to Philadelphia by noon so they had time to eat lunch and arrive at Saint Peter’s early enough to find seats for their large group close to the alter. When everyone split up into the four cars making the trip, Sheilagh was careful to avoid the car holding Luke.
The city was insane. All her life she’d grown up surrounded by enormous mountains, yet being placed in the slots between so many tall skyscrapers made her feel incredibly insignificant and small. Everyone was so fashionably dressed and styled. Even the men made her feel like an unsophisticated hick.
People moved at warp speeds and smog and honking horns polluted the air while everything from forgotten shoes to empty coffee cups littered the ground. Pages of newspapers twirled up from the curbs dancing gaily in the air for a moment in homeless winds then fluttered back to earth. No one seemed to bat an eye at such disorder.
When they drove through Center City so that Bray could show them why he loved Philadelphia so much, she was speechless. The architecture was magnificent and although she’d seen pictures, none had done these historic buildings justice.
She suddenly understood why Braydon had wanted to attend school in such a bustling place. Here, even the pavement pulsed with life.
They ate lunch at a corner delicatessen that considered eight pounds of food an appropriate serving size for one person. None of them finished their meals. She felt Luke looking at her throughout lunch, but kept her eyes averted from his gaze. She knew he was worried she would tell the others his secret. She wouldn’t, but figured to let him worry, serve him right for being ashamed of having a relationship with Tristan. Tristan was a good man and he deserved better than that.
When they arrived at Saint Peter’s, Colin was off somewhere out of sight, likely spending his last moments as an independent man reflecting on the enormity of what he was about to commit to. The others at the monastery welcomed them and allowed them to use their facility to freshen up before the ceremony.
Saint Peter’s Cathedral was a beautiful structure. She had been so sure she’d never leave Center County, yet, since arriving to this part of Pennsylvania, she was no longer so certain. The city definitely had its appeals. In the past twenty-four hours, so many things she assumed were absolutes had changed. She dreaded to see what other dependable truths would surprise her as being only illusions.
Many had come to watch her brother become an ordained priest. Bishop Adrian sat with his back to the center of the pulpit, his tall mitre gleaming under the chandeliers. Colin looked impeccably handsome in his white robes and golden sash. It was the first time Sheilagh could recall that her eldest brother looked nervous.
The ceremony began with a prayer and then the bishop questioned other priests about her brother’s worthiness. When Bishop Adrian announced his approval of the others’ choice everyone clapped. Once the applause quieted the bishop began to question Colin directly.
Colin stood with his back to the pews and faced the bishop who sat comfortably in a throne like chair.
“Colin McCullough,” Bishop Adrian began. “Before you enter the order of priesthood you must declare before the people your intentions of such an undertaking. Do you resolve, with the help of The Holy Spirit this charge, without fail, the office of priesthood as a worthy fellow worker with the order of bishops in caring for The Lord’s flock?”
Colin’s voice echoed through the large church. “I do.”
“Do you resolve to exercise the ministry of the word, worthily and wisely, preaching the Gospel and teaching the Catholic faith?”
“I do,” Colin answered and her mother fished a handkerchief out of her purse to dab her lashes.
“Do you resolve to celebrate faithfully and reverently in accord with the churches tradition the mysteries of Christ especially the sacrifice of Eucharist and the sacrament of reconciliation in the glory of God and the sanctification of the Christian people?
“I do.”
“Do you resolve to implore with us God’s mercy upon the people and entrusted to your care by observing the command to pray without ceasing?”
“I do.”
“Do you resolve to be united more closely everyday to Christ, the high priest who offered himself for us, to the Father as a pure sacrifice, and with him to consecrate yourself to God for the salvation of all?”
The parishioners waited quietly for Colin’s reply. This one was perhaps the biggest vow of all, a promise to never put another before God and hold his relationship with God above all others. When Colin hesitated a moment Sheilagh leaned forward straining to hear. The bishop seemed to be waiting as well. Father Tucker, the priest they had met earlier, shot a sideways glance at another rather large priest, yet no one said a word. Everyone simply waited for Colin to continue with his vows.
When she heard her mother hiss, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,” she began to worry, but then Colin cleared his throat and began to speak.
Chapter Nineteen
The start of the school year was a blessing. Samantha had been so busy readying her classroom and preparing lesson plans she was left with little free time to think of her own personal turmoil, too exhausted to hold much of a thought in whatever free time she had. On the other hand, her business led her to overlook other things that normally would’ve come to her attention sooner had she not been so preoccupied with her new job. Important things.
Late October, one Sunday evening, Sam was helping her mother change the linens of the B&B section of the house. They had just centered a beautiful Victorian quilt onto the bed in one of the more posh rooms when her mother asked her to sit for a moment at the room’s small floral sofa.
“I want to talk to you about something, Samantha, and I don’t want you to get upset with me.”
Whatever her mother had to talk about, it sounded serious.
“What is it? Is Daddy okay?” She always worried about her father’s health since he had gotten sick.
“Daddy’s fine. I want to talk about you.”
“Me?”
She nodded. “Do you like your new job, honey?”
Sam knew her mother didn’t want to talk about her job. They talked about it everyday. There was no need for a formal discussion, but Sam humored her anyway.
“Yes.”
“Are there any boy teachers there? Maybe one you had your eye on when you were still a student?”
“No, Mom, the only male teacher there is the music teacher and I’m pretty sure he’s gay.”
“Oh. Well, how about back at school? Were there any old boyfriends, a young man you may have gone out with a few times? You know you can talk to me about this stuff. You’re an adult now. I mean I know you’re living with us, and I love having you here, but I also know you aren’t here because you can’t be out on your own. You’ve always been very responsible, Samantha.”
What was she trying to say? Did she want her to start looking for an apartment?
“I know I can talk to you, Mom. And you know you can say anything to me as well, right? And no, there were no old boyfriends from college. I was too wrapped up in studying to date.”
Her mother pursed her lips.
“What is it you want to ask me, Mom?”
Her mother took a deep breath and let it out quickly. “Samantha, honey, I went to the store and stocked up your room in June before you came home. I knew something was wrong, but I also knew you weren’t ready to talk to us about it, but honey…how long are you going to keep this to yourself?”
Sam’s eyes widened. Did her mother and father somehow know about Colin? No, that was impossible. No one knew about that. She quickly blanked her expression.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Mom.”
She sighed and took Sam’s hand and patted it lovingly.
“Please don’t get mad at me for saying this, honey. When you came home you looked terrible. You’d lost so much weight. I’m glad to see you looking more
like yourself again, but darling, you have never been a girl to get fat. You can’t expect us, when we watch what you pack in your lunches for work and put in your mouth at dinner, to believe that that’s what’s happening here. Why won’t you just tell us?”
Sam looked down at her body. True, she’d put on quite a few pounds, but she had a lot of stress with starting a new job. And no matter how much she loved her mother and father, moving back in with her parents at age twenty-four was stressful too. Not to mention that ice cream seemed to be the only distraction that worked when she felt like crying, which was a lot. Maybe she should start walking in the mornings.
“I know I put on some weight, but I’m adapting to a new life and I guess I’m a stress eater.”
Her mom dropped her head as if she were disappointed with Sam’s excuse. Maybe she was worried about her health.
“Don’t worry, mom. I’m going to start walking tomorrow. I’ll be back to normal in—”
Her mom looked up at her with tears shimmering in her eyes and Sam shut up. Why was she so upset?
“Darn it, Sammy, I don’t know why you can’t be honest with me. I don’t think I’m that judgmental of a person.”
Completely confused, Sam said, “Mom, I really have no clue what you’re talking about.”
“The box of tampons I put under the sink in your bathroom in June’s never even been opened,” her mother suddenly blurted.
“Wha—” June, July, August, September, October…shit. “Oh my God.”
“Did you really think we wouldn’t have noticed, Sammy? You’re showing, for crying out loud.”
Sam didn’t think the idea of her parents not noticing was too hard to believe. It had somehow slipped her own attention. Sam was going to pass out. She hadn’t had a panic attack since June, but one was coming on.
Her mother continued. “I’ve put it together that whoever the father is you two are no longer an item. I am not so old that I don’t get how things like this happen. I don’t know if he’s someone who wants to be involved in this child’s life or not, but no matter what, your father and I are here for you. We support your decision to do the responsible thing.”
Sam couldn’t breathe. Her mom rubbed her back, knowing the attack would likely pass if she calmed down. When Samantha was finally able to pull in a full breath of air her mother gave her a sad smile and asked, “Will you tell me about the father, honey?”
“He’s a father,” Sam said under her breath.
Her mother nodded, totally misinterpreting the type of father Sam had meant. “Does he plan to be a part of the child’s life?”
Sam swallowed and shook her head. “No.”
Her mother pressed her lips together solemnly. “Well, he’ll still have to help you financially.”
Vow of poverty, was the first thought to run through Sam’s mind.
“I’ll never ask him for anything.”
Some of the pain she’d been lugging around for the past four months suddenly slipped away. She owned a part of him after all.
Her shaky hand tentatively touched her slightly protruding belly.
“This is my baby. Mine.”
* * * *
Adjusting to the idea of motherhood was surprisingly easy for Samantha. She immediately contacted her OB/GYN and—shock of all shocks—she was pregnant. She tried not to over berate herself for being such a moron and not putting two and two together. It helped when her obstetrician explained that lots of pregnant moms complain about feeling like they are walking around in a fog and not being able to remember everyday things.
Once the doctor had verified that she was in fact pregnant, Samantha considered contacting Colin. She looked online for a phone number to the McCullough’s home. She could just call Braydon at school and get the number, but she didn’t want to have to answer any questions until she spoke to Colin. Then it occurred to her that Colin was likely living at Saint Peter’s again, or they at least would have a better knowledge of where he was. So she looked up the church online and that was when she had the idea of flipping through archived church bulletins.
When she reached August’s newsletter her heart dropped to the pit of her stomach. On the first page was a calendar and there on the first of August was written, Ordainment of Colin McCullough.
He had done it. He’d gone ahead and become a priest. She knew he would have, but for some reason seeing the proof of the act was like dying a hundred deaths all over again. She tried not to get too upset knowing it wasn’t good for the baby. After that day she vowed she would never tell a single soul who her child’s father was, including Father Colin McCullough.
The baby was due on March fifteenth. By Christmas she was the size of a house. Her mother had gone baby bonkers once the pregnancy was openly acknowledged. Sam suspected her mother would never want her to move out once the baby was born. Being that Sam was on her way to being a single mom with a child to worry about, the idea of staying with her mother and father close by didn’t bother her in the least.
When she told them she would stay they had the guest cottage converted into living quarters for her and the baby. It had already been remodeled for the guests of the B&B so there really wasn’t much to change. Sam simply purchased a few personal touches for herself and the baby and brought in a few extra appliances like a microwave and mini-fridge. For the most part they’d still be eating with her parents for most meals. It was just enough privacy, but still gave her the comfort of knowing her parents were close by.
On New Year’s Day her mother surprised her with a baby shower. It was small and nice. All the girls from work had come and Sam felt much loved.
She couldn’t help but imagine how different her shower would’ve been if Maureen McCullough had been involved. She imagined all the aunts and Morai and Italian Mary and smiled fondly at the fantasy. If only the circumstances were different. Then she banished the thought.
Her mother had been wonderful to her since finding out. To wish Maureen was there somehow felt disloyal. Yet, Sam knew her not telling Maureen of her coming grandchild was pure treachery in itself. All in all, thoughts of Maureen and the rest of the McCulloughs made her feel confused and guilty so she tried to think of them as little as possible.
For the most part it was easy not to think of the McCulloughs. They were hundreds of miles away and no one close to Samantha knew of their existence. If ever she did think of them or him, no one knew it but her.
The baby began to move a lot. Sam would lay awake at night watching her stomach flutter and poke. Gestating was a fascinating thing. It made her sad that not only was Colin missing her pregnancy, but that he would never know what it was to experience parenthood with this level of intimacy. If things were different, Sam believed Colin would’ve adored witnessing his child grow.
By March Samantha had completely given up on style. She was fairly certain she was having a girl because her looks had turned to shit. Her hair remained in a simple ponytail. All of her dress slacks were traded in for comfy yoga pants she hoped were dark enough that co-workers didn’t realize they were essentially sweat pants. If they did they didn’t say anything. Resigned to empire cut blouses, she accepted pregnancy was not a job for the vain. On top of all that, antacids had become a major food group.
She spent an extra twenty minutes a day trying to get out of chairs and learned that low seating was something she should never chance without a buddy to help her back up. It was easier to simply stand, but then her ankles started swelling to the point she thought she would need new shoes, and her sciatica began to pinch and ache. So sat she did.
She had been sitting at her desk one afternoon working on lesson plans for the sub that would come when she started her maternity leave, enjoying a soft pretzel and ridiculously large banana smoothie, when there was a knock at her classroom door.
“Knock, knock.”
Sam looked up and almost choked on her pretzel, the dough turning to lead on her tongue.
“Braydon,” she wheezed.
/> “I thought I’d find you here. I was in the neighborhood and figured I’d ask if you worked here. Low and behold here you are.”
She knew she was being rude, but she had so not prepared for this. “It’s really not a good time. I have a lot of work to get done before next week.”
He stepped farther into her classroom anyway. Sam slumped lower in her chair. She might as well have been trying to hide a beach ball under a tissue.
“You look great. Different.”
“Thanks. You look good too.”
He came and plopped his keys down and sat right on the edge of her desk, making himself right at home.
“You’ll never believe who’s applying to Villanova.”
“Who?” she asked mechanically.
“Sheilagh. My mom, who still talks about you all the time by the way, says she’s really grown up in the past few months. No one knows what happened, but it’s like she went to bed one night a bratty child demanding respect and woke up an adult prepared to earn it. She’ll probably get in. Shei’s always been smart. Kelly’s still the same old—”
“Braydon, what are you doing here?” she finally interrupted.
He seemed intent on updating her on every McCullough and there were certain McCulloughs she could do without hearing about, especially this close to her due date and being so emotional. Not to mention that she had to pee again and didn’t want Braydon to notice her condition.
“I was worried about you. My mom tells me that Colin—”
“Please don’t bring him up. I really can’t deal with any thoughts of your brother at the moment. I’m busy and I have to get back to work. I’m sorry.”
She knew she gave her feelings away, but she had to if she wanted him to keep Colin out of all conversation. He gave her a sad smile that Sam took as his understanding her dismissal was more a self-preservation thing than anything personal.
“Okay, Sam. Well, I’m glad I saw you. I’ll let you get back to work. Congrats on the new job and maybe I’ll stop by before school lets out.”