My mother doesn’t know how I get the money to take care of her. At least, I’ve never told her. It’s easier that way and she can believe whatever she wants. I don’t want to break her heart. It’s already destroyed enough over what my father did to her. She needs me. Without me, she would have nothing. I don’t know what would happen to her. So I keep it my secret. My burden to bear, that I’ve just shared with you.
But it’s not your burden and I don’t want to become your burden, either. You deserve more. You deserve happiness, and though I firmly believe that we shared something special these last weeks and that I made you happy, it would’ve been a temporary thing. You would’ve become disillusioned and eventually you’d grow to hate me. I hate me, so how can I expect you to forgive my sins?
I took the necklace, Ro. I found it in the safe in the closet and I kept it in my duffel bag for days, over a week, and you never noticed. I felt like such shit. I still do. But in the end I didn’t take it. I just put it back in the safe. Keep it close. People want it. Private collectors who would love to add it to their collection. You need to keep it in a safe place, baby.
I hate that I was so weak and that I took it. That I was even tempted … kills me. I hope you can forgive me someday.
I’m also weak because I can’t admit any of this to you to your face so I leave you a letter on shitty hotel stationery, written with the equally shitty hotel pen. You’re sleeping peacefully and I didn’t want to wake you. You look so beautiful lying there naked with just the sheet covering you. The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do is walk away from you.
I have to, though. It’s for the best, revealing everything here in this letter. I probably couldn’t have got the words out if we talked. And I didn’t want to see the look on your pretty face. I didn’t want to hear your angry, ugly words. You would’ve been justified in saying it all to me, but I can’t stand the thought of our last moments together being so fucking awful.
That’s probably why you did what you did. Why you told me you didn’t want to hear my side of the story. Deep down, you know the truth. Why wreck what we shared when we can walk away and never see each other again?
It kills me, though. The thought of never seeing you. I’ll miss your smile. Your laugh. The way you say my name just before you come, the way you kiss me and hold me, the scent of your skin and the taste of your tongue. I’ll miss the late-night talks and the showers we took together and going out for coffee, and I’ll even miss the White Swan. I’ll miss your friends and your sister and Ryder, though they probably hate me now.
Because for that one fleeting moment, for every one of those moments I spent with you, I felt like I belonged. Like I had friends and a girlfriend and an honest life. I felt like people really liked me for me, and not because they thought I was rich or that I belonged to their social clique or whatever the fuck.
You taught me how to be real, Rose. And open. You taught me how to appreciate life and appreciate a woman who wants nothing more than to take care of me. Who likes me. Who might even … love me.
You stole my heart, Ro. I may be the professional, but with us, you’re the thief. You reached right into my chest and took my heart like it fully belonged to you. And I think it does. I don’t know who else deserves it, though really, you shouldn’t want it. I can only bring you pain.
I hate that. But I love you. I do. I fell in love with you and I didn’t even realize it until today, though really I think I secretly knew it all along. You make me feel like no one else ever has, so all I can say is thank you.
Thank you for teaching me how to love.
xoxo
Caden
Chapter Twenty-four
Rose
Two months later …
A rooftop party on a swelteringly hot Saturday afternoon is the last place I want to be. There are so many people here, and their constant chatter is deafening. I’m shocked that we have such a large turnout considering most people abandon the city every weekend until Labor Day.
But the party is in full swing and there’s no indication it’s slowing down anytime soon. I’ve been at it since first thing this morning, helping with the setup, making sure everything arrived and everyone was staying on task. I didn’t quit Fleur. I came back because I couldn’t leave. And with this stupid party, even though I’ve been feeling like crap, somehow Daddy convinced me to help and I reluctantly agreed.
I hate that I caved so easily. I’ve straight up lost my balls—I can totally imagine Lily saying this—since I returned from London and now that I haven’t felt well, these last few weeks especially, I seem to let everyone take advantage of me.
It’s awful. I’m worse than I was before. It’s as if I’ve faded into the background.
“Are you feeling all right? You look pale.” I turn to find Lily standing before me, a concerned look on her face. She looks gorgeous as usual in a thin white sundress, her skin a golden tan, her long, blond hair up and showing off her gorgeous, perfectly made-up face. Grandma would be proud.
Too bad she’s not here. She wouldn’t show up because Pilar is the force behind this particular get-together. Grandma refuses to mix with Pilar in “polite company,” as she calls it. Smart move. At least someone has the courage to tell Pilar to fuck off, albeit in the most polite way possible.
I smile wanly. “It’s the heat. I hate being in the city in August. You know how I get.” Total excuse. When I was ten I fainted. Once. It was hot as hell and at the tail end of summer, and I collapsed on the sidewalk right in front of the Fleur building. I milked that incident for all it was worth, too, and Daddy fell for it every single time.
Not anymore, though, I guess. When I mentioned my aversion to heat, he brushed me off, then begged me to help. Violet’s not around, he told me. Lily doesn’t know the meaning of the words help and work. Could you put it together, Rosie girl? Please?
He calls me “Rosie girl” only when he’s trying to get something out of me. It worked this time. It works all the time. I’m a complete sucker for my daddy. I only ever want to please him, no matter how much he doesn’t seem to care whether I’m really happy or not.
So here I am, representing Fleur at a so-called summer soiree originally put together by Pilar. She’s here, hanging on Daddy’s arm, looking smug and also constantly checking her watch. They’re leaving early so they can get some time in at our family’s summer-house in the Hamptons, Pilar’s new favorite place to go.
A house I visited only once this summer because hello, Pilar is there.
God, I hate her.
“You’re wearing the necklace.” Lily’s fingers graze the stones of the Poppy Necklace. “It looks good with your dress. Does it kill Pilar that you have this?”
I pull my head out of the clouds—a place I seem to visit a lot lately—and focus on her. I’m wearing the necklace because it makes me feel closer to Caden. As stupid as that sounds since the man almost stole the damn thing, it’s the truth. “I don’t care what she thinks. Not like it’s really mine anyway. I’m returning it to Grandma when she comes home.”
Our grandmother escapes the city entirely in the summer and spends her days sitting on her porch in the Hamptons, taking in the sun and the salty sea breeze. Says it’s good for her complexion.
No one argues with her. Not even our diligent sunscreen wearer Violet.
Lily touches my arm, her delicate brows lowering. “Oh, my God. Your skin is clammy, Rosie. I swear, you look like you might faint.”
That’s because I feel like I just might. Glancing around, I see a few empty chairs at a nearby table and I hurry over, practically collapsing into one of them. Lily follows me, pulling the other chair close before she sits in it, staring at me as if I’ve grown two heads.
“Tell me what’s wrong. Are you sick?” she asks.
I laugh weakly. I wish. No, I’m not sick, not in the way she’s thinking. Not that I can tell her the truth. Not yet. This has been my secret to bear and it’s a doozy. “I’ve been working too hard, gett
ing this party put together. I think … I’m just tired.”
Lily’s lips firm into a straight line. “I still can’t believe you helped out with this party. You hate Pilar.” She looks over her shoulder, presumably making sure Pilar isn’t anywhere close, before she starts talking again. “What happened to you quitting anyway?”
I keep my gaze fixed on my knees, plucking at the fabric of my pale pink dress, the necklace weighing heavily around my neck, my legacy heavy on my heart. I told Lily all about my grand plans when I first came back from London, all fired up and ready to set out on my own. I’d been angry, so furious at Caden’s abandonment and that shitty, awful letter he left me. It had given me an inkling of hope. He said he loved me. I truly believed he would cave and contact me. I figured he just needed some time.
But no. There were no calls, no texts, no emails, no in-person confrontations. Nothing. He disappeared as if he’d never existed and at times, late at night when I’m exhausted and can’t sleep, lying in my bed and staring at the ceiling, going over every single moment I spent with Caden in London, I wonder if I did imagine our time together.
I know the truth, though. I have undeniable proof that our time together happened.
“I didn’t know what else to do,” I say miserably. “If I quit, where would I go? What would I do? I couldn’t find a job elsewhere, like at a rival company or whatever. Daddy would’ve been so mad. I would’ve never heard the end of it.”
“Oh, screw him,” Lily says bitterly. “I’ve disappointed him time and again, yet here I am, hanging out at another Fleur party and wishing I’d never showed up. He said a few choice words to me when I first arrived and so did that bitch girlfriend of his, but I sent her a look that said I would cut her in an instant if she so much as breathed another word to me. She shut up after that. So did he.” Lily sighs and shakes her head.
I smile, wishing I could laugh. I can’t remember the last time I laughed. My misery has hung over me like a dark cloud and everyone can see it. Most choose to ignore it, though. “I’ve always been envious of the fact that you can basically do what you want.”
Her smile is fleeting, her eyes full of sadness. “What makes you think I can? I’m just as controlled by him as you and Violet. He just chooses to do it in a different way. I’m the shunned one. The outcast. At least you’re the favorite.”
“I am not,” I say indignantly. I can’t believe she thinks that. “Violet is the favored one.”
“And she’d tell you I’m the favored one. So there you have it. We’re all pretty much screwed.” She smiles grimly.
A wave of nausea hits me and I rest my hand on my stomach, feeling it clench. Oh, God. I think I’m going to be sick. I tried my best to curb it all day, drinking ginger ale whenever I got a chance and making sure saltines were always nearby. “I need to go to the bathroom,” I mumble as I leap out of my chair, escaping the party as fast as possible.
“Rosie, wait!” Lily follows after me but I can’t stop. My stomach is pitching and roiling like a ship in a violent storm and I push open the women’s bathroom door with a loud bang, collapsing on my knees in front of the toilet in one of the stalls just in time.
“Jesus,” Lily breathes, coming up behind me. “Rosie?”
I’m too busy throwing my guts up to answer her. Not that I have much coming up. I haven’t really eaten much the last few days. The floor is cool on my knees and I brace my hands on the edge of the toilet, gasping and spitting and generally feeling like a total ass. The necklace dangles from my neck and I rest my hand over the front of it, not wanting to get anything on it.
So gross.
Lily rubs my back, pulling back my hair when I bend back over the toilet to retch one last time. The wave of nausea leaves as fast as it came and I fall against the cool metal wall of the toilet stall, pressing my forehead to it and closing my eyes.
“Rose.” My big sister’s voice is stern. She’s rarely tried to pull her authority on me, even when we were young. I’m the annoying baby sister she didn’t want to deal with, especially when she went through her wild years. But right now I can tell she means business. “You need to tell me what’s going on. This is beyond feeling tired and overheated. Are you drunk?”
I laugh weakly, but it hurts my stomach so I stop. “I wish I were drunk,” I mutter. I could drown all my sorrows in booze. But that’s not happening.
Blowing out a frustrated sigh, Lily reaches over and flushes the toilet before she grabs hold of me under my arms. “Come on, let’s get you over to the sink so you can wash up.”
I let her lead me there and I wash my face, then rinse out my mouth as best I can. Lily presses a stick of gum into my palm and I thank her gratefully, relieved that the strong minty gum nixes all bad flavors in my mouth with a few chews.
Lily fixes my hair and whips out a lipstick from her purse, slicking it on my lips for me. I let her take care of me, thankful someone is doing it because for far too long, I’ve been taking care of myself. Watching out for myself. For those blissful weeks I had someone take care of me, comfort me, and I miss it.
I miss him. Caden.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
“You want something to eat?” Lily asks once she’s finished putting me back together.
I make a face and shake my head. “Absolutely not.”
“Something to drink, then. Maybe a little wine to calm your nerves?”
“I can’t.” I press my lips together, not wanting to give my secret away. “I’m trying to stay off alcohol.”
Lily’s eyes narrow and she studies me for a long, nerve-wracking time. “Why?” she asks skeptically.
“Because it’s bad for your skin.” I shrug.
“Honey, if that’s the case where you’re concerned, I’d recommend you chug a bottle of the stuff because your skin looks terrible right now. You’re so pale, and you have dark circles here.” She runs her finger below one eye, then the other. “And here.”
I bat her hand away. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Why not?” She rests her hands on her hips, her expression one of pure skepticism. She doesn’t believe anything I’m saying and I can’t really blame her. I’m a terrible liar.
More than anything, I don’t want to lie to Lily. I want to tell her the truth. Then I won’t feel so alone anymore.
Turning away from her, I start for the door. “I’d better get out there. I’m sure Daddy needs my help with … something.”
“He’ll survive.” She follows after me, I can hear the click of her heels, but I don’t look back. I exit the bathroom and start for the door that leads back out to the party but she grabs my arm, stopping me from leaving her.
“Tell me what’s going on, Rosie. Spill.” I try to pull out of her hold, but she won’t let me go. “And if you don’t tell me, I’m going straight to Dad and telling him something’s up with you.”
“You wouldn’t.” I glare.
She raises a brow. “Try me.”
Damn it. She will. Lily plays dirty. She always has. Glancing around, I step closer to her, lowering my voice almost to a whisper. “You have to promise you won’t tell anyone. Not even Violet.”
Her brows go up. I’ve surprised her. “So Violet doesn’t know your deep, dark secret?”
“This is not a laughing matter. Promise me, Lily.”
“Fine. I get it. I promise.”
I haven’t uttered these words out loud yet and suddenly I’m scared. What if Lily breaks her promise? God, what if she runs off and tells our father? I will flip the fuck out. “I’m …” I take a deep breath and close my eyes, exhaling shakily before I open them and force the words out. “I’m pregnant.”
Lily’s eyes are so wide I swear they’re going to bug out of her head. “Are you serious?”
“No, I made it up. April fool’s.” I roll my eyes. “Yes, I’m serious. I’m almost nine weeks along.”
She covers her mouth with her hand, slowly shaking her head again and again. “Ah, Rosie. How
did this happen? When exactly are you due? Who’s the father?” Realization dawns at the exact moment she says that and I know she knows.
I start to open my mouth but clamp my lips shut. There’s no use explaining or arguing. What’s done is done.
Lily snaps her fingers. “This doesn’t have anything to do with that guy Violet asked me about a couple months ago? The one you were messing around with in London?” I must give myself away because she starts shaking her head. “You’re pregnant with Caden Kingsley’s baby? Oh, my GOD!”
“Sshh.” I glance around, thankful no one’s near. At least we’re having this conversation near the bathrooms. Why does everything seem to happen by the bathrooms? “Say it a little louder so everyone outside can hear you. God.”
“Rose! This is crazy. Does he know? You have to tell him. Make that scumbag pay, because he owes you.”
“Stop it. He’s not a scumbag and he doesn’t owe me anything. I’m the one who owes him—an explanation. I haven’t told him because I don’t know where he is.”
“He can’t be that hard to find,” she says drolly. “I’ve heard his mom is in Miami. Maybe we need to start there.”
Miami? I frown. Caden never mentioned Miami to me ever.
“And no one else knows? Daddy is going to lose it when he finds out.”
I really don’t need the reminder. I want to enjoy this pregnancy. I do. But it’s so hard when I’m feeling so awful and Caden is not around. I miss him. I want him back. He deserves to know he’s going to be a father.
He will also probably freak the fuck out when he finds out he’s going to be a father.
“Have you considered having a …” Lily flicks her chin, looking uncomfortable. “An abortion?”
“No,” I say vehemently. “I’m not against them. They have their place. But … I can’t do it. I know it’ll be hard being a single mom, but I want this baby.”
“You’re just so young. I don’t know what I would do if I found out I was having a baby. I’d be the worst mother ever.” Lily laughs, but it doesn’t sound sincere. More like it sounds sad.