She twirled the loose thread around the tip of her finger until she felt it ache with the cut-off circulation.
Tell him. Tell him something you’re ashamed of, so he knows it’s okay.
Leah exhaled. “Before that night I hadn’t spoken to him for a year.”
She stared at the throw pillow on her lap until it was a mass of jumbled colors before her eyes, and she felt the couch dip under his weight as he sat beside her.
“Why?” he asked softly, reaching over and pulling the thread until it unraveled from her finger.
She curled and uncurled her aching finger as she shook her head sadly. “You have to understand something, Danny. After my mom died, I did my best to take on her role. I mean, there I was—twelve years old—cooking dinners and doing laundry, making sure my little sister took her bath, reminding my father of doctor’s appointments.”
She turned her head to see that he was watching her intently. “Nobody asked me to do it. I wanted to. I wanted our family to be normal again, and a normal family needs a mother.”
Leah looked back down, playing with the same thread on the pillow. “Everyone relied on me, you know? My dad was so frazzled for a while after, and he couldn’t do it all on his own. So I stepped up. I was basically a really young mother. Or a really old teenager, however you want to look at it,” she said with a tiny laugh, and then she lifted her head, looking at him. “But I never felt like I was losing anything, you know? I had good friends. I played sports. I never felt like I’d given anything up. I loved my family. I wanted to take care of them.”
Danny reached over, swiping a stray hair away from her face, and instinctively she leaned into his touch.
“Everything was fine until I went away to college. I mean, you would think I would have been good at being independent, right? But I was miserable. I felt so guilty being away from them that I couldn’t enjoy any of it.
“So after the first semester, I came home and enrolled in a local college. My father didn’t ask any questions; he just welcomed me back with open arms, and everything went back to the way it was before.”
Danny was watching her carefully as she spoke, but she could see in his face that he was confused; that he didn’t understand how any of this fit in with her being estranged from her father.
Here we go.
Leah inhaled deeply. “The year after I graduated, I met Scott. He was funny and sweet and handsome and just…perfect,” she said, her voice trailing off as she shook her head. It was so hard to say those words, to view him in that light now. “He was so good to me. And it was nice to be the one being taken care of for once. I didn’t realize how badly I’d needed that.”
She stopped as her chin began trembling, and she pressed her lips together.
“Hey,” Danny said softly, running his hand over the back of her hair. “You don’t have to do this.”
Leah turned so that she was fully facing him on the couch. “I want to,” she said.
He looked down before he nodded, and then he took one of her hands, interlocking their fingers before resting it on the pillow between them.
She gave it a gentle squeeze before she said, “About six months after Scott and I began dating, he started getting upset over the amount of time I spent with my family. In a twisted way, part of me thought it was really sweet that he wanted that much of my time, that he didn’t want to share me with anyone,” she said, shaking her head. “God, I sound so stupid when I say that out loud.”
“You don’t,” Danny said. “You’re allowed to make mistakes, Leah.”
She smiled sadly. “It went far beyond a mistake. Because the more time I spent with him, the more I started looking at things differently. He would plant these little seeds in my mind—it was so gradual, so smooth, I didn’t see it. He would talk about how much it upset him that I lost my childhood—how it wasn’t my fault my mother died, and that I shouldn’t have had to pay for it. How it wasn’t the job of a teenager to take care of a family.”
Leah could feel her embarrassment growing, but she forced herself to keep her eyes on him as she said, “He told me that my father shouldn’t have let it happen, that he watched me grow up too fast and didn’t do anything to stop it. He said he shouldn’t have allowed me to come home from college either—that if he truly wanted what was best for me, he would have done everything in his power to make sure I got to experience life. He said my family took advantage of my kindness. And after a while, I believed him.” She shook her head. “And I was so thankful that I found someone who cared about me that much. Someone who was looking out for me, and not the other way around.”
Danny leaned over and ran the backs of his fingers across her cheek, wiping away the tear she hadn’t realized had fallen. Leah reached up, swiping at her cheeks quickly before she exhaled.
“My family didn’t like him. They said he wasn’t good for me, and of course Scott said that was because he was revealing truths they didn’t want to acknowledge. He said they were mad because he opened my eyes to what was really going on. Everything he said made sense, you know?”
Danny nodded; he was trying to keep his expression smooth, but she could see something brewing just below the surface.
Leah bit her lip as she looked down at their hands clasped on the pillow. “So, I distanced myself from them. I would argue with them over stupid things. I’d get mad when my father called to check in with me. I refused to call and check in with him. It was disgusting. Most people go through their rebellious stage when they’re fifteen or sixteen, and there I was, a grown woman, acting like a child.”
Another tear slipped over her lash line, but she was quicker this time, swiping at it before it had a chance to fall.
“So one night my father and I got in a huge fight over Scott, and I told him I wasn’t going to let him control my life anymore. I left, and that was that. I wouldn’t answer his calls or his texts. I wouldn’t go see him. Almost a whole year went by, and I refused every attempt he made at reconciling with me. My whole life was centered around Scott, the one person I thought really cared about me and wanted what was best for me. And he had me all to himself, just the way he wanted.”
She turned to Danny, her cheeks heating with embarrassment. “The night of my father’s heart attack was the first time I’d seen him in months. And when I saw him in that hospital bed, with all the wires and machines, all I wanted to do was apologize to him.” She shook her head. “But he was unconscious. They didn’t even know if he would make it.”
Leah shrugged as she said, “After I left the hospital that night, I went to Scott’s apartment and found him in bed with another girl.”
Danny’s head whipped up, and the initial shock on his face transitioned into sympathy before settling on anger.
She nodded slowly. “So there it is. I threw my family away for a controlling, manipulative liar. If my father had died that night, he would have died thinking I resented him, after everything he’d done to try to hold my family together, after how hard he worked to take care of us all.”
He stared at her, his eyes swimming with pain and something else Leah couldn’t quite place.
She used the end of her sleeve to wipe her nose. “I’m pretty awful, huh?”
Danny didn’t say a word. Instead he unclasped their hands and wrapped his arm around her, pulling her against his chest. She stilled for only a second before she relaxed against him, her face buried in the crook of his neck. He brought his lips to the top of her head, leaving them pressed there as he gently played with the ends of her hair.
Leah closed her eyes and exhaled. She would relive that story again and again if it ended with being in his arms, because the way he was holding her made her feel like she was someone worthy of forgiveness.
It was some time before Danny finally spoke, and when he did, she could feel the gentle vibrations in his chest.
“Leah?”
“Hmm?” she said, her eyes still closed.
“The guy who killed your mother.
Do you hate him?”
Leah’s eyes opened as she sat up, looking at him. It seemed like such a strange thing to ask, but his expression was smooth as he waited for her answer.
“Um…I don’t know. I mean, I never really think about him. He died on impact.”
He looked down and nodded. “Do you think he got what he deserved?”
Leah chewed on the inside of her lip. Did she think he got what was coming to him when he lost his life? She looked up sheepishly as she asked, “Would it make me a terrible person if I said yes?”
Danny looked down before closing his eyes. “No. It wouldn’t.”
She sat there staring at him, trying to comprehend what he was really asking her. His questions seemed completely irrelevant to their discussion, and yet she knew there must have been some connection she was missing.
“I will tell you, Leah,” Danny said after a long silence. When he finally looked back up at her, his expression was a mix of sincerity and fear. “I have to tell you, because I don’t want to stop spending time with you.” He rubbed his hands over his eyes as he said, “It’s just…I don’t even know what I’m up against right now. I need just a little more time.”
“Okay,” she said softly, and his eyes met hers.
“Really?”
She nodded. “You can take whatever time you need. I just can’t be lied to. I don’t ever want to be lied to.”
“I won’t ever lie to you, I promise you that.”
She smiled softly. “That’s all I ask.”
They sat there for a moment, looking at each other, and then Danny closed his eyes as he brought his fingertips to his temples, massaging slow circles.
“You’re feeling it, huh?” Leah asked.
“I think I’m gonna be feeling this shit for days,” he said, wincing slightly as he continued to rub.
She laughed as she stood from the couch, and his eyes flew open. “Where are you going?”
“You need aspirin,” she said. “Bathroom?”
He nodded, closing his eyes again. “Medicine chest above the sink. On the bottom shelf.”
Leah got him the aspirin and stopped in his bedroom to get him the bottle of water she’d left there earlier before returning to the couch and handing them both to him. After he had swallowed the pills and about half the bottle of water, he looked over at her.
“Thanks. I’m still not cleaning up those coffee grounds.”
She laughed and he smiled up at her, revealing the dimples that made her chest flutter. Danny grabbed the pillow and positioned it behind his head as he lay back onto the couch.
And then he lifted his arm, inviting her into the space beside him.
She probably should have shown some hesitation, just to maintain some semblance of dignity, but instead she immediately crawled over to him, laying her head on his chest. He exhaled contentedly as his hand came to the back of her hair, lazily running his fingers through it, and Leah closed her eyes.
It felt so perfect to be lying with him this way, like they had done it a million times before. And she knew she would crave it now, like an addiction that weakened her until it was fed.
Leah sighed softly as she curled her fingers into his shirt, and she felt him kiss the top of her head as he continued playing with her hair.
She didn’t have all her answers yet, but she would. And it was enough to know that for now—to believe that whatever he had to tell her wouldn’t be significant enough to change what was happening between them.
Because she didn’t want to have to walk away from him now.
“How’s that working out for you?”
Danny kept the wad of food tucked in the side of his cheek as he glanced over to where Leah was leaning against his counter, her arms crossed over her chest, fighting a smile.
He brought his fist to his mouth. “S’good,” he mumbled.
Leah chuckled as she pushed off the counter and reached above the refrigerator for the bread, and Danny slid his plate away with a sigh. “Alright. You can say it.”
Her smile broadened as she turned and took the dish from him. “Say what? I told you so?” she asked, dumping the contents in the trash. “I would never.”
He brought his fist back to his mouth and closed his eyes, and she laughed again, giving him a gentle nudge. “Go lie down. Give me five minutes to work my magic,” she said, coming back to the counter and pulling a slice of bread from the bag.
Danny stood quickly and walked toward his bedroom, thankful to get away from the smell of his attempted breakfast. It had been a tried and true hangover cure that he and Bryan accidentally discovered when they were teenagers after drinking themselves sick off a bottle of rum they’d found in the back of Gram’s cabinet. The following morning, Bryan made them each a bacon, egg, and cheese Hot Pocket, figuring if they could get themselves to vomit, they would feel better. Instead, they were miraculously cured after eating them. It was a trick they’d used for years after that.
Danny crawled into his bed and dropped onto his stomach with a huff. He knew it wasn’t going to work, even before he pulled one out of the freezer and Leah looked at him like he’d lost his mind. He’d barely even touched alcohol in the past twelve months, and it had been years since he’d been as drunk as he was last night, so he knew it was going to take more than a Hot Pocket to get him straight again. But he was really hoping it might work. And not just because he felt like shit.
He just wanted that memory to be real.
Bryan was disappearing. Every day he slipped a little further away. He was there in pictures and in stories, but he wasn’t real anymore.
Danny just wanted something tangible. Something that would prove Bryan had actually existed.
He rolled over and flung his forearm over his eyes as another wave of nausea swept over him. He could hear her in the kitchen, the clinking of silverware and the opening and closing of cabinets as she busied herself, and he wished for the hundredth time that he hadn’t consumed his body weight in liquor last night, because he wanted to be enjoying this.
Leah, in his apartment. In his kitchen, making him breakfast like it was the most natural thing in the world.
She told him he could have whatever time he needed to get his thoughts together, but Danny knew she wasn’t going to wait forever. He also knew that as soon as he explained everything to her, whatever this was would be over. His window of time with her was closing, and he wanted to soak up every second of it before she walked away for good.
And when she left him, he was going to feel it. There was no doubt about that now. In the past few hours, she had managed to slip through the last of his defenses and stake her claim on a piece of his heart. Not because she had helped him get home last night, or because she granted him the extra time he needed to explain himself. Not even because she had stayed to help nurse his hangover.
No, what had completely won him over was the way she tried to absolve him of whatever sin he’d committed by offering up her own transgressions. She laid her shame down at his feet without a second thought—for the sole purpose of easing his suffering.
It had been a long time since he’d seen that level of bravery and selflessness in anyone.
And just like that, his world shifted. It had been such a quiet moment of transformation, nothing like the earth-shattering explosions that had changed the course of his life over the past year, but in its tranquility, it was just as powerful. With that one altruistic move, she had managed to become the measure of what a person should be in his eyes, the standard any woman would have to meet if she had even the slightest chance of winning his heart.
Danny heard her coming down the hall, and he sat up slightly, resting his weight on his elbows as she turned the corner into his bedroom with a plate in one hand and a mug in the other.
“You can quit playing sick now,” she said. “I already cleaned up the coffee.”
He smiled as he sat up further and reached for the plate she offered him. “Jesus. How about a little sympathy?
I’m dying over here.”
“Oh, you poor baby,” she crooned as she sat on the edge of his bed, tucking her leg beneath her and resting the mug on her knee. She had twisted her hair up into some kind of messy knot that managed to be both adorable and sexy at the same time; it made him want to toss the plate over the side of the bed and pull her down to the mattress so he could cover her body with his.
Instead, he took a breath and sat up fully, balancing the plate on his thigh as he looked down at what she’d made for him.
“What the hell did you put on this toast?”
“My magic cure.”
Danny lifted his eyes. “It looks like cat puke.”
Leah laughed as she pulled her other leg up onto the bed to face him fully. “It’s mashed banana with a little bit of butter. The salt in the butter will help you retain water, and the bananas have potassium and electrolytes, which you really need right now. Think of it as a sports drink, only without all the sugar that messes with your stomach. Plus, solid food is always a little easier to keep down anyway.”
Danny quirked his brow as she held out the mug. “And this is hot water with lemon juice. Ideally, there should be honey in here too, but you didn’t have any.” He took the mug from her as she said, “The lemon will help settle your stomach. Plus, it’ll give you a little boost of vitamin C.”
“Wow,” he said with a nod before he looked up at her. “So, are you a raging alcoholic?”
Leah huffed as she grabbed a pillow and propped it up against his headboard. “I should’ve let you suffer through the Hot Pocket, you ingrate.”
Danny laughed as she sat back against the pillow and pulled her knees into her chest. “I have an older brother who used to party a lot when we were in high school,” she said. “It was sort of my job on weekend mornings to make him presentable before my father saw him and kicked his ass.”
“But how did you know this stuff would work?” he asked before lifting the mug and taking a careful sip, the hot liquid instantly soothing him.
“I didn’t,” she said with a shrug. “It was a lot of trial and error. There were quite a few nasty concoctions before I found this, so you should thank your lucky stars you’re getting me as a seasoned veteran.”