I shifted restlessly, unsure of what he was trying to tell me. “I never got any flowers.”
He cleared his throat and swept my hair off my shoulders. “I sent them every day,” he whispered and kissed the base of my neck. “I sent them until March second when Sarah told me you had moved on. That you were lying in the arms of another man.”
“I’ll talk to her about everything,” I said and tried concentrating as Ethan nibbled up and down my neck. “I was in the hospital and never got any flowers, and I certainly didn’t move on.”
I scooted back from him and sat on the edge of the bed. Then I saw the small photo propped on his bedside table. It was a picture of me sleeping. He must have taken it during one of our sleepovers. I looked peaceful and serene. I hugged the frame to my chest. Ethan went to bed every night watching me sleep. He took the frame from my grasp and placed it back on the table.
“I know that now,” he said and sat down beside me. His eyes glittered as I smiled at him. I exhaled a giant rush of air as my heart rate raced in my chest. I was not the only one that had mourned us.
“I did get the necklace you sent me on my birthday. It’s beautiful. I love it.”
“Wear it, then. The locket was my granny’s. I had the heart made for you,” he said with quiet conviction.
“E, I don’t deserve that. It was your grandmother’s.”
Ethan fingered my hair and eyed me thoughtfully. “If you didn’t deserve it, I wouldn’t have sent it to you.”
“I only have five true memories of us. I remember you cooking for me and eating out on your patio. You were playful that night. Us watching the stars out in some field.” I looked way bashfully. “Me sucking your . . .” I started twisting the edge of my shirt through my fingers. He hugged me tight against his chest. “You loved me that night, too.”
“I’ve loved you longer than you could ever imagine.”
“That night we made love and cried.” I continued without thinking about what he said. My stomach tensed. The muscles in my shoulders began to knot. Ethan must had sensed it because he started kneading his fingers over my shoulders. “The one I don’t understand is what had to have been the first night I met you.” I felt Ethan’s rigid body grow tighter. “I was hurting as bad or worse than I ever did from the wreck. My eyes were swollen shut so I couldn’t see you, but I know it was you. You wouldn’t tell me your name. You said they called you sir. But I know it was you because only you have ever held me like that. Only you could make me feel like everything was going to be okay even when I’m hurting. I just can’t remember whatever hurt me like that other than the rape.”
Ethan looked at me and fear slithered down my spine. Not of him, but for him. I had never seen someone look so utterly broken. The dark clouds in his beautiful eyes petrified me. He stood up and backed up from me. He looked completely lifeless. He fell to his knees and yanked his hands through his hair. “Do you have any idea how crazy I am about you?”
“Yeah,” I answered. My fingers plucked at the hem of my shirt. Do you have any idea how crazy I am about you?
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’ve never seen you hurt much less held you while you were hurting.” He steadied my shaking hands and held on to them. “I wish I was there to hold you after the wreck. Maybe that’s what your dream was about, you wanted me there to hold you too.”
“I could swear it was a real memory.”
“Babe, I’m a fucked up individual. You have no idea how fucked up. What you see on the outside is just a cover for the broken and fucked up mess on the inside. You deserve more, but I’ll be damn if I let you try to get more.”
Those annoying tears started again. “E, you can’t say that to me. I’m the definition of fucked up. Do you think you deserve more?”
“Hell, I don’t deserve you.” He shrugged his shoulder and softly kissed the tip of my nose. “Maybe, we’re just meant to be fucked up together.” His eyes pleaded with me to stay. I wanted to promise him I would never leave, but I knew that was a promise I could never keep.
I twisted the fabric from my shirt over and over in my fingers. “The first four weeks after the wreck they kept me in a coma-like state. The first word I said as I was waking up was ‘Ethan.’ I couldn’t remember anything except your name and face.”
He tilted his head to the side and gave me his heart-stopping pout. “Privy, you’re killing me. If I’d have only known I would’ve been there.” He reclutched my hands to still them from shaking. “I woke up every morning saying your name too. All I did was think of you.”
“Even when you were screwing those girls.” I finally said it. The words I’d been too afraid to think were now out in the open.
“Privy, it’s not what you think. I never touched a girl or even gave one a second thought from the time you walked out that door until Sarah met me that night. It hurt so damn bad to think you were with someone else. That another man got to see you like I’d been so blessed to see you. It hurt. I was trying to numb the pain. But in case you were wondering, yes, I closed my eyes and wished like hell it was you. I even called them Dylan a few times.” He rubbed his hands down his face.
“That is fucked up.” I laughed softly. Ethan looked back at me and smiled. “I need some fun.” I rolled my eyes. “I need a lot of fun.”
“My Privy needs to have some fun,” he teased. His body visibly relaxed as the tension left it. “I know my favorite way to have a good time,” he said and wiggled his eyebrows.
I pushed him back and burst out laughing at his cute little facial gestures. “You have to kiss me first, and someone doesn’t want to kiss me.”
He moved back until his nose tapped against the side of my cheek. “Oh, I want to kiss you . . . everywhere. But I need to know you won’t leave me later.”
Ethan
Taking Dylan back to her apartment was not what I’d planned for the night, but she was right; it was for the best. How could I ask her to sleep with me when I couldn’t even tell her the truth? Of all the damn memories for her to have; she had to go and remember me holding her after the attack. I never meant to lie to her again. I panicked. How could I explain that one memory without telling her the very secret that had already taken her from me once before?
“Have you ever been to a flea market?” she asked, interrupting my depressing train of thought.
“A what? They have a market for fleas?” I laid my head on the top of hers. “Does my sweet Privy want some fleas?”
One trait I inherited from dad was to laugh when life got sticky. How much stickier could it get then having my heart sitting beside me and knowing she could walk away any moment? So I laughed and I laughed until she burst out in laughter with me. We both laughed until our stomachs hurt and all the tension from the day vaporized. It felt incredible to see that sweet, amazing smile on Dylan’s face after the night we had.
“Did I ever tell you about the summer I spent at my granny Beth’s?” she asked after her laughter suppressed to a small chuckle.
“Yeah, babe, you did. Did she have fleas?”
She slapped me pretty hard across the chest. “No,” she said and laid her head back on my shoulder. “There is so much I hope to never remember, but I wish I could remember the moments we shared like this.”
“Me too, babe, me too.”
“Now, back to the flea markets.” She bounced her head up and smiled. “Granny and I went every weekend to one that summer. She loved to buy the most useless thing she could find. They are having one at the civic center. Will you carry me tomorrow?”
“Only, if I get to buy you something totally useless.” I smiled and nudged her with my elbow. Those were the moments I wanted to leave her with. I hoped she went to sleep at night thinking about us laughing, not all the heavy crap we were going to have to overcome.
“I’ll let you buy me something useless, and I’ll even smile and tell you thank you.”
I pulled into the parking lot at her place. I was sure she wasn’t doin
g it on purpose, but the entire time I was driving, I was completely distracted by her. She was twirling her hair around her tiny little fingers, watching my hands as they slid over the steering wheel. Every time I flipped on the blinker, I glanced over at her and she had the same content expression on her all-too-cute face. Damn, I loved her.
“And I’ll tell you I’m most welcome.”
“E,” she said as I shifted the truck into park. “Are you ever going to kiss me?”
I licked my lips, but didn’t speak as I suddenly shifted her body under mine. “Oh, babe, I’m going to do more than kiss you.” I replied then dropped my weight onto one arm. I lowered my lips to the side of her face and started to kiss a long line of kisses down her neck. She wiggled under me. I felt her hot core stroke over my ever-growing cock.
Her eyes closed the second my lips touched right below her earlobe, the sweet spot on my sweet angel. She moaned and ground her groin over the zipper on my jeans. I slowly moved my lips across her jawline and toward her mouth where I stopped. “I would love to tie you up and have my way with you.”
She shook under me. I trailed my hand over her breast and started to move down her side but she placed my hand back onto her shoulders. Oh, babe, if you won’t let me use my hands, I’ll show you with my mouth. The windows fogged as our labored breath stuck to them. I ran my nose along her jawline and the fact she was breathing as heavy as I was weaken my resolve. I wasn’t so sure that I could wait another moment to kiss her. When I reached her ear again and she moaned under my touch, there wasn’t a nerve ending in my body that didn’t feel it. From the tip of my toes all the way up to my engorged cock, my entire body was screaming for her touch.
Dylan jerked under me when the windshield vibrated with several loud thumps. I sat up and noticed the gear shift digging into her right ribcage. I yanked her arm to help her set up. “Privy, I’m sorry. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“I didn’t notice until you hopped up,” she said as the crimson redness crept across her face.
Sarah flung the car door open and seemed just short of ripping Dylan’s head from her shoulder. I put my arms around Dylan’s shoulders to protect her. “Nice to see you too, Sarah,” I said with my most agitated smile.
“I need to talk to Dylan, and you need to leave,” Sarah said.
“That’s for Dylan to say.”
“Dylan, is this how you want it to go down?” Sarah asked.
Dylan looked at me and I could see the fear reappear. “I have to go, Ethan. I’ll see you in the morning.” She leaned up and kissed my cheek.
“Stay,” I whispered.
“I can’t,” she said and stumbled out the car door. Sarah tugged on Dylan’s shirt sleeve and pulled her to the apartment building.
I wanted to get out and put Sarah in her place, but I knew I would scare Dylan if I did. I grabbed the small bottle of Jack I had in the glove box and took a swig. I’d have Dylan back in my truck the next morning. I adjusted the hard-on that was painfully pushed against my jeans. At that exact moment, I had other pressing matters to attend to.
Sitting outside The Dungeon, I realized how much I’d truly loved that place and how hard it was to let my first love go. I finished off the bottle of Jack and almost fell out of the truck. I was in my element, on my way to being sloppy drunk and at my beloved club.
I didn’t expect to be greeted immediately by the little ginger who warmed me up the two nights before Dylan walked back into my life. She hung on my shoulder and caressed her hand down my stomach.
“Hey, good-looking, where have you been hiding?” She whispered as she stroked her fingertips over the zipper on my pants. It only reminded me of how it felt to have Dylan grind her groin onto my pants just a few short minutes ago.
“Have been tied-up, babe,” I replied with a suggestive wink. “Go on in, I’ll catch you around.”
That had been my life for ten years, and habits were hard to break. I motioned for Amanda after watching Miss Red shake her butt onto the elevator. I wondered if it bothered her that I still didn’t know her name. I could have always looked it up on her application, but I really didn’t care what her name was.
“Office, now,” I said to Amanda and never stopped to see if she was following. I didn’t have too. Amanda always did as she was told.
I sat down on the leather chair at the desk I’d called home since I moved to Knoxville. Charlie and I had fourteen clubs altogether, but that one and the one in Memphis had always been my favorites. Amanda came in and sat down on the opposite side of the desk. She crossed those long legs of hers. As always, she had on little more than a see-through bra and panties. That body was perfect, but her life was as empty as mine had been.
“I have a proposition for you,” I said and licked my upper lip.
Saturday, March 14, 2015
Dylan
I stayed up half the night fighting with Sarah. I was pissed at her for hiding the fact Ethan had tried to find me. I questioned her on how she could watch me cry over him every day and not once bring me even a small flower he had sent. I forgave her easily enough because deep down, I knew she had her misguided but true heart in each of her choices. She was right about one thing, however . . . my little baby bump was getting bigger and harder; and the way we were headed, Ethan was soon to discover my little secret. I could hide it under baggy clothes, but not wandering hands. I didn’t want him to learn about the baby that way. I was not sure I wanted him to learn about him at all. Sarah had the reveal party as she called it, scheduled for Sunday, and I had an appointment with the adoption attorney Monday. But that day, I had my fun day with Ethan planned, and I would let nothing get between us for at least one last day.
I stood outside on the front stoop, waiting impatiently. Ethan was very reliable, but that morning he was already two hours late. When he finally pulled up, I walked toward him and froze. He had on the same jeans and shirt from the night before and looked like shit. His hair was disheveled. His clothes were wrinkled. Under his eyes were dark circles. So much for a happy day. I was positive my facial expression was stuck between what the hell and pissed. I was learning to never be shocked when it came to Ethan. I reached the truck, confused as fuck.
Ethan flicked his cigarette across the parking lot then held the passenger door open for me and gawked at the cane I was carrying. “Good morning, Privy.” He frowned down at the cane. “I didn’t think you needed that anymore.”
I took three more steps and stood in front of him. “I don’t most days, but if I spend a lot of time on my feet I still do.”
“I could always carry you.” He started to lean in to kiss my cheek. I shoved him back, smelling the whiskey on his breath.
“What happened to you?”
“I got drunk and passed out at my brother’s place. It was a hard night, babe. I needed to release some tension.” Ethan waited until I climbed in, then he walked around and jumped into the truck. I leaned backwards and tilted my head onto the headrest. “I’m sorry, Privy. I went to take care of some business and got fucked up. I woke up from being passed out and rushed over here.”
“Charlie let you get that drunk?” I asked.
“No,” he said and shook his head. “He wasn’t there. I guess he was at his old lady’s house.” He flipped his head in my direction and smiled. “Please, I promised you some fun.” He grabbed my hand and pulled it to his mouth, giving the back of it a kiss.
I shook my head, trying to wrap all the confusion around in my already feeble mind. “I don’t deserve this. I’m scared and I need actions.” I looked at him dead on that time. “Not your flowery words.”
“You deserve more than that. I’m sorry, babe. I’m taking care of everything so I can give you those actions.” He started the engine and turned his gaze back to the road. “Buckle up, my sweet love. We’re going to buy you some fleas.”
“Are you okay to drive?”
“Yeah, babe, I haven’t had a drink in about four hours, and I had five cups of coffee
before I left this morning. I would never put you in danger.”
I stared at him and wondered how he always knew what words I needed to hear. How he could take me from wanting to choke him to wanting to kiss him? He glanced back at me and clasped my thigh. “You can move closer. I did take a quick shower.”
I slipped across the seat until I was almost in his lap. “You have a lot of kissing up to do today.”
He slid his fingers through mine and squeezed down on my hand. I felt that simple gesture all the way down in my groin.
We rode in silence the short ride to the civic center. He rolled his eyes several times. No doubt trying to relieve a massive headache. I had to give him credit; even hung over, he was trying to be happy-go-lucky with me.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~