Whoa.
I needed a minute.
I stepped back.
I searched her face. When you love somebody, you get to know their face as good as your own. You see past the flaws; you see the inside-out.
I had to see her a whole new way before what she said could really sink in.
"Mr. Thocco," a woman called from a hospital doorway. "There are papers you need to sign, regarding your brother's transfer to Emory for surgery." When neither me nor Karen broke our trance to answer, the woman called again. "Mr. Thocco? This is urgent."
"Be right there." I heard my voice like an echo down a long hall.
My God, it was true. I stepped closer again, looking at everything I could see now. "You look like Lily. And when you stuttered that day at the horse show in Fountain Springs, you sounded just like Mac. My God."
She nodded. Tears slid down her face. "I'm sorry I didn't confess to you sooner. I didn't know about them until after my adoptive parents died. I'm still not sure what to tell them. Especially if they won't admit they had a baby."
I scrubbed a hand over my hair. A dull thought shut me down. "You're still not sure you want people to know your real parents are retards."
It was the meanest thing I coulda said to her. She backed away from me. It was like I'd hit her. "I love them," she said, her voice breaking. "I didn't expect to love them, I admit that. But I do. And I was ashamed when I first learned about them. I admit that, too. But now I'm ashamed that I ever thought of them as an embarrassment. And I don't deserve what you just said to me."
She left me there to swallow the sour taste of my pride, alone.
Kara
The next morning, everyone from the ranch gathered around Joey's bed. The World Sports Network executives held up an oversized check for one million dollars. It was made out to everyone at the ranch, by name, including mine. Karen Johnson.
Karen Johnson still existed, if only on paper and in the trusting minds of Mac, Lily, Joey, and the others. I tried to avoid looking at Ben. Tears burned the backs of my eyes.
Photographs were made. Hands were shaken. The quick ceremony was for Joey's benefit. He and Ben would leave for Atlanta that afternoon. I would help Miriam and Lula shepherd everyone else back to the ranch.
And then we would wait.
Everyone gazed at the check. "I can't even imagine how much money that is," Lily whispered.
Miriam chortled. "Even after taxes eat up nearly half of it, we'll all get about fifty grand apiece." They had agreed to split the winnings evenly. I would get my share.
"Fifty grand," Roy said. "What's fifty times a grand?"
Lula laughed and hugged him. "That's enough to buy you and Miss Dale all the fancy shirts and hats you could ever want."
"With plenty left over to give to Jesus," Dale said.
Bigfoot whistled. "I'll get all-new mouse toys for my cats."
"For me? A new camera to take pictures of rocks," Cheech said.
"A bigger box to sleep in," Possum said. He was feeling more confident about open spaces.
"What about you?" I asked Mac and Lily.
Mac cleared his throat. "Would our share be enough to b-build a room onto your end of the t-trailer?"
"More than enough, I'm sure. But why do you want to add a room?"
Lily smiled at me. "So you'll have more space. You can't keep living in one little bedroom. Wouldn't Mr. Darcy like his own room?"
My throat closed. What could I say, what I could do?
"We'll talk about construction projects later," Ben announced. "Let's get outta here and let Joey rest."
The distraction worked. After the others trundled out, Ben turned to me. "I want you to give my share to the doctors at Emory. I luiow fifty grand won't begin to cover Joey's surgery, but it's a start. I that* you for everything you've done. If there's anything I can do in return. You tell me. Anything."
"You thank me because it's the honorable thing to do. Is that it? I don't want your thanks. There were no strings attached. You refuse to believe in pure generosity. Or only if the generosity is yours? You gave me a job, a home, respect. You never asked for any favors in return. Well, neither do I."
"What are you gonna say to Mac and Lily?"
"I don't luiow, yet. I'm still obsessed with what to say to you."
"Just say you'll take care of everybody until I get back."
"I will."
"Thank you. You've done a damned fine job at the ranch. Karen. I mean Kara."
"I've never cared what name you called me," I whispered hoarsely. "As long as you needed me. Me. Not the image. Not the name. Not the money. Me."
I walked away.
Chapter 30
Kara
The Thocco Ranch
Miriam phoned me at the horse barn that night. `Ben called. Joey loved the helicopter ride to Atlanta. The doctor gave him ice cream while they flew. He's all set in a special room at the hospital. Ben says they're treatin' him like a prize guinea pig, but he means that in a good way. Couple of days of tests, and then the surgery. Ben wanted to know how things are here.
"I told him you sent Tom D. Dooley home tonight. I told him you said we're a team and working together we can manage to keep all the stock safe and well-fed until he gets back. And you know what Ben said to that? He said, `She knows how to manage lots bigger projects than my ranch.'
"What in the hell did he mean by that? And what's going on between you two? I don't like the vibes I been getting the past couple of days."
I took a deep breath. Why not admit the truth to Miriam? "He's upset because he found out I'm an heiress and I have a fortune."
Miriam grunted. "Yeah, right. Okay, you lemme know when you want to talk for real."
I sagged. So much for honesty. "Indeed."
"Come on in soon, or Lily and Mac'll be out looking for you."
"I'll be in a few minutes. Bye."
I dropped the phone by my feet and sat despondently, looking at the night sky. A sliver of September moon made a white earring on the limb of a live oak. Bullfrogs traded choruses, sounding like untuned oboes in the marsh. Alligators grunted. The soft night breeze carried hints of orange and honeysuckle and distant saltwater. I inhaled deeply.
Removing my gold locket and its chain, I placed them in a small, padded envelope. I slipped that precious token into a larger envelope along with all my notebooks filled will loving details about life at the Thocco Ranch. Atop it all, on a sheet of ruled notebook paper, I wrote:
Dear Ben,
I'm a mermaid, now, so I'm drawn to the scent of the ocean, even a hundred miles from the nearest beach. I inhale the aroma of the Little Hatchawatchee in the ranch's backyard, and I feel at home. I'm Atar-Who the mermaid. And I'm a million-dollar cowgirl. And I'm Karen Johnson. And Kara Whittenbrook. And I'm the librarian who compiled notebooks filled with intricate details about your ranch. And I'm the irascible, semi-vegan cook who took over your kitchen. And I'm the woman who made love to you so happily. All of those people, that's who I am.
Just as you are Ben Tbocco, the cowboy. The Seminole Indian whosegrandfatber wrestled alligators, whose father was a cowboy and whose mother was a mermaid who sewed wonderfulgowns for women with fantasies of mermaids and Jackie Kennedy. The man who put on a tuxedo and won the high-stakes pokergame from a tiremagnate pirate in the Keys. The man who never brags that he can fly small planes and speak fluent Spanish. The tough hombre who confronted the Pollo brothers without hesitation. Joey Tbocco's devoted big brother. Mac and Lily's loving protector: Miriam and Lula'sgallant, surrogate son. You are the reason Bigfoot, Cbeech, Possum, Dale and Roy have a home, a life, each other and their dignity.
And you are El Diablo.
You hate the memory of El Diablo. You don't see his inherent passion and appeal, which rises above how be was created, and why. He was a survivor, like you. And, in some ways, like me. El Diablo Americano. I loved El Diablo when I was a teenager growing up lonely in a rich and demanding world. I never believed he was
a badguy, a redo. I believed El Diablo simply hadn't had a chance to reveal his true self.
And then I met you. And I knew for certain. El Diablo was a hero, at heart.
I wanted to be your hero.
And Igive you my heart.
Love, Kara and Karen.
I sealed the big envelope.
Estrela nuzzled my hair. I reached up to stroke her soft, silver nose. "You, my dear mare, are a winner. A champion. I'm so proud of you. No one will ever compare you to dog food, again."
She snorted her disdain at the very thought.
"Now, if we can just figure out what to do next."
Estrela blew warm breath on my forehead. Even the pressure of her air made my face hurt. The swelling had gone down but I had purple bruises beneath both eyes.
I got up and walked wearily to the main house. Dreams are made of salvation and triumph and regret and hope. Success is a place, a way of life, a kind of family, a sense of belonging. Love is fluid. It flows outward from every breath we give it. Passion keeps us afloat.
That night, I felt submerged by loss.
Ben
Five a. m., Atlanta
"Well, look at what the devil dragged in," I said gruffly.
Phil walked into the hospital waiting room, shrugged at the clock that said it wasn't quite dawn yet, then sat down beside me. He dumped a fine leather tote in the floor and flicked a string off his tailored shirt sleeve. "Hospitals amuse me," he said. "I like the smell of fear."
"You've sure come to the right place, then."
"The surgery begins in an hour?"
"Yep. They start preppin' him. He's sleeping good. I looked in on him a few minutes ago."
"I dropped by your ranch before I flew up. The amazing Kara has everything well organized."
Kara. A prickle ran up my spine. It was no accident he called her by her right name. "How long have you known about her?"
"Since shortly before the trip to the Keys. She left her fingerprints on a wine bottle at the bar. I merely followed through on the opportunity to learn more." He pulled a bulky package from his tote and set it on my knees. "She gave me this. For you."
I opened the package. I set the notebooks aside for later reading. I took her gold locket in one hand, and read her note.
When I finally looked up, Phil had left me alone in the waiting room.
We'd always had a deal. I wouldn't watch him cry. And he wouldn't watch me.
Kara
We all sat in the kitchen, trying to pretend we had an appetite for my lunch of salmon burgers with sweet potato fries. When the wall phone rang, all of us jumped. Miriam hurried to pick it up. Her hand shook. "Ben?" She listened. "Uh huh. Uh huh."
Lily grasped my hand on one side; Mac on the other. Roy and Dale held hands. So did Cheech, Lula and Bigfoot. Possum crept under the table and hugged Rhubarb. Grub watched, slit-eyed, from a counter. Atop the fridge, Mr. Darcy turned his head sideways as if listening, too.
Miriam exhaled loudly then smiled. "Yeah. You go on back to the recovery room. I'll fill everybody in." She hung the phone up. "The surgery went fine. The next couple of days will show whether Joey's heart's gonna improve much."
"Thank you, Jesus," Dale said.
I looked at Miriam carefully. "How did Ben sound?"
"Tired. Dog tired. But okay. He said he'll call back later. Says he wants to talk to you."
My heart lifted and tightened at the same time. Was this good or bad? But at least he wanted to talk. And, most importantly, Joey's surgery had gone well. I smiled around the table. "Dig in! We have a ranch to run!" Everyone grinned and picked up their salmon burgers.
I pretended to eat.
Ben
Atlanta
No matter how much they tell you to expect it, seeing a loved one fresh out of major surgery is a shocker. Joey was so pale. They'd just taken him off the ventilator, and his mouth was swollen. He had lots of tubes and lines on him. His eyes flickered but he wasn't awake, yet.
The nurses pulled down the sheet and showed me the long, stapled incision on the center of his chest. It was covered with some kinda clear bandage. Like he'd been packaged for the grocery store meat cooler.
I sat down beside his bed and took one of his cool, limp hands in mine. "Come on, bro, wake up." All that mattered right now was Joey. I needed to hear his voice, see his smile. They could tell me all they wanted about good outcomes and good vital signs. I needed proof I rubbed the back of his hand with my thumb. "Joey? Wake up. Come on."
Nothing.
I cleared my throat. The nurses said I should talk to him to help him come to, even if he couldn't make sense of it, yet.
"Bro, lately I found out some things about Karen that explains a whole lot I couldn't figure out, before. Why she came to Florida, why she took to Mac and Lily so quick, maybe even why they took to her, naturally, like their instincts told `em she was their blood.
"I got no idea what happened when Karen was born, or why Mac and Lily won't even admit they had her. I don't know if they gave her away on purpose or if Glen made `em do it. Knowin' Glen, they didn't have no choice.
"But here's the thing, bro. Karen started out in life about as bad off as us. She got lucky, I guess you could say, being given to rich people, so maybe it all happened for the best. Her parents died-the ones that adopted her-and she came here to find Mac and Lily. Now I've gotta find out what she intends to do about `em. Maybe she can't bring herself to tell `em who she is. Maybe she shouldn't. But maybe she should.
"Hell, bro, I can't think it all through, right now. But I know this much: She's been trying to do right by `em since day one, and she tried to do right by you and me, too.
"If it weren't for her, you wouldn't be here, getfin' this chance at a better life. She never asked me for nothin', and all I've done lately is be damned mean to her.
"I guess what I'm sayin', bro, is I love her and I'll always love her. She's part of my life, your life, Mac and Lily's lives, the ranch's life, she's part of us. I've always been afraid of a woman owning me, again. Never damned on me before that when you love a woman she owns you already, body and soul, regardless of money. And hopefully, you own her. If you own each other, it's a partnership, not a power trip. What d'ya think?"
Nothing.
I scrubbed a hand over my hair, bowed my head, and shut my eyes. "Come on, bro. Wake up. I love ya. I don't know what I'd do without you. Wake up. Wake up and gimme some words of wisdom. Have you been tallcil' to angels all this time? That's what Dale said you'd do.
"Right before they loaded you in the helicopter in Orlando she took me by one arm and whispered, `When Joey goes to sleep to have the operation, angels will come and talk to him. When I had an operation to put the drain in my head? Angels talked to me.' Come on, bro. Wake up and tell me what the angels said. Did Pa and Mama talk to you? I hope so. Tell me what they said."
Nothing.
I sat there with my head down for what seemed like a long time, holding his hand. When his fingers first began to squeeze mine, I thought it was my imagination.
"Benji," he whispered. I looked up to find him smiling a sleepy little smile at me. "Pa and Mama are watchin' over us," he whispered. "And they said, `Tell Ben tive fixed his heart, too."'
U6Cb
I wanted the sound of Karen's voice. I walked back to the waiting room with my cell phone in hand, about to call her.
And there stood Glen.
Karen's blood uncle. A hard idea to wrap my mind around. It wasn't good to see him. "What are you doin' here?"
"I was beginning to wonder if I'd have to go through a World Sports Network publicist to reach you-or my brother."
"We been a little busy the past week or two, Glen."
All right, I admit it. I'm duly impressed. Karen Johnson and Dog food the Wonder Marc pulled off an amazing victory. Kudos to all. That means-"
"I lu-iow what it means. Save your congrats for somebody who gives a dannn."
"I want Mac's share of the winnings se
nt directly to me."
"That's up to Mac."
"No. I'm his guardian. I'm ordering you to send me his share, immediately. I will not risk having Karen Johnson wheedle his money into her own greedy little hands."
"You best back off on that kind of talk. She's more'n a match for you."
"Oh, please. Why would I feel personally threatened by an ingratiating nomad?"
I chewed my tongue. I should just tell him. No, that was Karen's call. I needed a lot more answers before I could say what I knew.
"Goddammit, Glen, she's been nothin' but good for your brother and Lily. I'm done talking to you about her."
"I want that money. I insist."
"Mac's cut wouldn't be more'n a piss in the wind to you. Him and Lily could use it to buy `emselves a few horses or some cattle to call their o,,Ani , or a nicer trailer, or just put it in the bank and say, `We're important people. We got some money behind us. Money we earned.' What the hell difference does it make to you?"
"Do you think I like having to manage my brother's life? I didn't ask to be his guardian; the role was bequeathed to me. Our mother was an alcoholic, Ben. Our father wasn't much better. So I'm the person who was put in charge of keeping the Tolbert name out of the mud our parents created. I salvaged our family pride, and I will make certain my retarded baby brother isn't robbed blind by some little money-grubbing bitch like Karen Johnson."
The blood came to my head like mercury in a thermometer. I hit him.
I'd been wanting to do it for years.
Square in the teeth. He fell down, knocked over a chair, hit the wall. I ain't proud of that, cause I was raised not to hit except in self-defense or a fair fight. Glen was in real good shape, plus good four-inches taller than me and about twenty-million dollars richer, give or take a million. But at sixty-plus he was also a good fourteen years older than me, a helluva lot slower, and he hadn't been trained to knock other men onto their ass for a living.