“We search for peace, compassion, truth, respect, forgiveness, and unconditional love. If that is what Buddhists search for—atheists too, I would add—and if everyone is searching for God, then that is what God must be. It is peace, compassion, truth, respect, forgiveness, and unconditional love. That is the Buddhist understanding of God.”
Those of other faiths were happy with my answer.
107. The Enlightenment Game
When asked by a popular Buddhist magazine to write an article on enlightenment, I sent the following spoof on the TV show Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? To my surprise, the article was published.
Who Wants to Be Enlightened?
“Welcome Ladies and Gentlemen. Today on ABC (American Buddhist Channel) we present the final of Who Wants to Be Enlightened?
“This show is proudly sponsored by Dhyana Corporation Meditation Cushions, the only company that promises ‘If you’re not enlightened using our cushions in this life, we’ll give you your money back in your next life!’
“Now, with a great pleasure that I am not attached to, I introduce our four finalists: Venerable Anna Gami, Geshe Bo De’Sattva, Roshi Sid Arthur, and renowned lay meditation teacher, psychotherapist, and gay and any other rights activist, Amy Tarbha. Please welcome them with a Sadhu, Om, or Mu!
“For new viewers to the program, here are the rules again. There will be three elimination rounds, where each of Their Holinesses will be tested on their achievement of enlightenment. One finalist will be eliminated and sent back to the source after each round.
“The first round is a question. How do you describe enlightenment?”
Anna: “Enlightenment means having no self. In fact, as the only Theravada Buddhist here, following the original teachings of the Buddha, I am the purest and most enlightened. I say that if you have realized that you have no self, then be proud of your attainment and tell everyone.”
Bo: “Enlightenment to me means being so compassionate to my disciples that I intentionally get very angry at them so that they don’t feel so miserably inferior in my presence.”
Sid: “Enlightenment means having no attachment. I am so detached that I am not even attached to detachment, hence my cool new Rolex. Check it out! Awesome, isn’t it?”
Amy: “Enlightenment to me is having great sex without the delusion of a self that has to feel guilty about anything.”
“Thank you, Your Emptinesses, for your unfathomable wisdom. And the first off the wheel and off the show is . . . Anna! And don’t ever come back, Anna Gami.
“The test for the second round is who can sit in meditation for the longest time. So, Your Ineffables, after the gong, meditate!” . . . GONGGG!
After only two minutes, Amy opens her eyes and checks her Twitter account. Sid lasts a whole hour. But Bo sits still for so long that the medics on the show decide that he is dead and cremate him. Bo has gone to suchness. The audience give Bo a big round of “Om! Sweet Om!” Now, only Sid and Amy remain.
“The final round, which will decide the winner of Who Wants to Be Enlightened?, has arrived. Isn’t this exciting! Sid and Amy, I now want you to demonstrate on live TV a psychic power.”
Sid closes his eyes, focuses deep within, and with a rush of ecstasy, he floats up into the air like a feather on the breeze. Higher and higher Sid levitates above the stage until the awestruck audience bursts into thunderous applause. So loud is their cheering that it interrupts Sid’s concentration, destroying his psychic power and causing him to come crashing back down on the stage. Breaking his neck, he dies instantly. Many in the audience gain satori, Sid returns to the ground of all being, and a new koan is born.
With only one contestant remaining, Ms. Amy Tarbha, famous lay meditation teacher, psychotherapist, and every-right campaigner, is declared the winner of Who Wants to Be Enlightened? and presented with a special, limited-edition, solid-gold meditation cushion—hell to sit on, but impressive to look at—with GPS to navigate through and beyond all hindrances. She was the only one left found wanting.
I wrote this piece originally for Inquiring Mind (Fall 2010) as a bit of fun to destroy the craving to attain, expose the fraudulence of those who publicly claim to be enlightened, and to vacuum up the centuries-old cultural dust that has covered up enlightenment to the point of total obfuscation.
108. The Menu
An erudite professor of philosophy read in his local newspaper that a new five-star restaurant had opened up in town. He quickly called to make a reservation. The restaurant, however, was already so popular that he had to wait for two months for the next available booking.
Eight weeks later, the professor appeared at the five-star establishment wearing a fine suit and immaculately groomed. The maitre d’ asked to see his personal identification to confirm that he did indeed have a reservation that night. Seeing that he did, the maitre d’ led him to his table.
The professor was in awe at the interior decoration and fittings of the exclusive restaurant. The soft light from the unobtrusive standing lamp bathed his table in a warm, understated glow, reminding him of the calming light of twilight, secretive but just enough to see. A waiter in a white bow tie and elegant jacket presented him with the menu.
Even the menu matched the plush, rich surroundings of the five-star restaurant. It was made of thick, golden parchment with a border of deep crimson. The 108 items on the menu were written in exquisite calligraphy, the sort that is seen in museums of art more than restaurants.
The professor gazed in admiration at the menu, reading it many times. Then he proceeded to eat the menu. After which, he paid his bill, thanked the maitre d’, and left.
The unfortunate professor, learned as he was, did not know the difference between the menu and the food. The words were all he knew and cared for.
You, my reader, have now completed the 108 items on the menu that is Don’t Worry Be Grumpy. Please don’t be like the philosophy professor who “eats” only the words.
About Ajahn Brahm
Ajahn Brahmavamso Mahathera (lovingly known to many as Ajahn Brahm) was born Peter Betts in London, United Kingdom, on August 7, 1951. He came from a working-class background and won a scholarship to study theoretical physics at Cambridge University in the late 1960s. After graduating he taught high school for one year before traveling to Thailand to become a monk and train with the Venerable Ajahn Chah Bodhinyana Mahathera. While still in his years as a junior monk, he was asked to undertake the compilation of an English-language guide to the Buddhist monastic code—the Vinaya—that later became the basis for monastic discipline in many Theravada monasteries in Western countries.
The then Venerable Brahm was invited to Perth, Australia, by the Buddhist Society of Western Australia to assist Ajahn Jagaro in teaching duties. Initially they both lived in an old house in the suburb of North Perth, but in late 1983 purchased ninety-seven acres of rural and forested land in the hills of Serpentine south of Perth. The land was to become Bodhinyana Monastery (named after their teacher, Ajahn Chah Bodhinyana). Bodhinyana was to become the first dedicated Buddhist monastery in the Southern Hemisphere and is today the largest community of Theravada Buddhist monks in Australia.
Initially there were no buildings on the land, and as there were only a few Buddhists in Perth at this time and little funding, the monks themselves began building to save money. So it was that Ajahn Brahm learned plumbing and bricklaying and built many of the current buildings there himself.
In 1994, Ajahn Jagaro took a sabbatical leave from Western Australia and disrobed a year later, abruptly leaving Ajahn Brahm in charge. Despite initial reservations, Ajahn Brahm took on the role with gusto and was soon being invited to provide his humorous and uplifting teachings in other parts of Australia and Southeast Asia. He has been a speaker at the International Buddhist Summit in Phnom Penh in 2002 and at four Global Conferences on Buddhism. He was the convener of the Fourth Global Conference on Buddhism, held in Perth, in June 2006. But such recognition has not stopped him from dedicating tim
e and attention to the sick and dying, those in prison or ill with cancer, people wanting to learn to meditate, and of course his own Sangha of monks at Bodhinyana.
Currently Ajahn Brahm is the abbot of Bodhinyana Monastery in Serpentine, Western Australia, the spiritual director of the Buddhist Society of Western Australia, spiritual adviser to the Buddhist Society of Victoria, spiritual adviser to the Buddhist Society of South Australia, spiritual patron of the Buddhist Fellowship in Singapore, and is currently working with monks and nuns of all Buddhist traditions to establish the Australian Sangha Association.
In October 2004, Ajahn Brahm was awarded the John Curtin Medal for his vision, leadership, and service to the Australian community by Curtin University.
Ajahn Brahm has also written several books, including Who Ordered This Truckload of Dung?, Mindfulness, Bliss, and Beyond: A Meditator’s Handbook, and The Art of Disappearing. Over a thousand of Ajahn Brahm’s Dhamma talks are now available for free download in both digital audio and video format.
Other Books by Ajahn Brahm from Wisdom Publications
The Art of Disappearing
Buddha’s Path to Lasting Joy
160 pages, $15.95. 9780861716685. Ebook 9780861718610.
“This is Ajahn Brahm’s prescription for true peace and profound happiness. What a gift of the Dhamma!”
—Toni Bernhard, author of How to Be Sick
Mindfulness, Bliss, and Beyond
A Meditator’s Handbook
Foreword by Jack Kornfield
304 pages, $16.95. 9780861712755. Ebook 9780861719839.
“Riveting and real. I can’t tell you how thrilled I was to read it.”
—Glenn Wallis, translator of The Dhammapada: Verses on the Way
Who Ordered This Truckload of Dung?
Inspiring Stories for Welcoming Life’s Difficulties
288 pages, $15.95. 978086171278. Ebook 9780861719273.
“Ajahn Brahm is the Seinfeld of Buddhism.”—Sumi Loundon
About Wisdom Publications
Wisdom Publications is the leading publisher of contemporary and classic Buddhist books and practical works on mindfulness. Publishing books from all major Buddhist traditions, Wisdom is a nonprofit charitable organization dedicated to cultivating Buddhist voices the world over, advancing critical scholarship, and preserving and sharing Buddhist literary culture.
To learn more about us or to explore our other books, please visit our website at www.wisdompubs.org. You can subscribe to our eNewsletter, request a print catalog, and find out how you can help support Wisdom’s mission either online or by writing to:
Wisdom Publications
199 Elm Street
Somerville, Massachusetts 02144 USA
You can also contact us at 617-776-7416, or
[email protected].
Wisdom is a 501(c)(3) organization, and donations in support of our mission are tax deductible.
Wisdom Publications is affiliated with the Foundation for the Preservation of the Mahayana Tradition (FPMT).
Wisdom Publications
199 Elm Street
Somerville, MA 02144 USA
www.wisdompubs.org
© 2014 Buddhist Society of Western Australia
All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photography, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system or technologies now known or later developed, without permission in writing from the publisher.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Ajahn Brahm, 1951– author.
Don’t worry be grumpy : stories for making the most of each moment / Ajahn Brahm.
pages cm
ISBN 978-1-61429-167-1 (pbk. : alk. paper)—ISBN 1-61429-167-5 (pbk. : alk. paper)—ISBN 978-1-61429-184-8
1. Buddhism—Anecdotes. I. Title.
BQ4060.A53 2014
294.3’4432—dc23
2014007178
ISBN 9781614291671ebook ISBN 9781614291848
1817161514
54321
Cover design by Phil Pascuzzo.
Interior design by Gopa&Ted2, Inc.
Ajahn Brahm, Don't Worry, Be Grumpy
Thank you for reading books on BookFrom.Net Share this book with friends