Ellen sucked on it feebly. “Good,” she gasped.
Through the long night they held the basin while she vomited; they cleaned her and the sheets as often as the diarrhea came; and they got as much tea and water down her as they could. The doctor checked on her twice and seemed satisfied with her care.
By dawn they were both exhausted. Jessica’s eyes looked bruised from lack of sleep and worry, and Clay figured he looked just as bad. But he thought Ellen looked a little better. He hoped it wasn’t wishful thinking.
“Why don’t you go home and lie down for a few hours,” he suggested to Jessica. “When you come back, I’ll catch a few winks.”
Jessica hesitated, then nodded. “I want to check on Franny, anyway.” She stood and wearily stretched. “I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”
When she opened the door to leave, he called out, “Hey, Red.”
She didn’t even glare at him when he said the hated nickname. She just looked back with a question in her eyes.
“You’re all right. I guess I was wrong about you. Thanks.”
Her face lit with a weary smile. “That’s the first time I ever heard a man admit he was wrong.”
Clay grinned. “Treasure it then. It may be a long time before you hear it again.” He watched her close the door behind her, then turned back to Ellen. She was sleeping peacefully with a bit of color in her cheeks, and he felt a surge of hope.
A few minutes later, Doctor Mason opened the door and walked into the room with dragging feet. Clay could tell he was totally exhausted.
“I think she looks better,” Clay said hopefully.
The doctor bent over her and put his stethoscope to her chest. “Lungs are clear,” he grunted. He straightened up and put his stethoscope away. “Today will be crucial if she’s going to make it.”
Clay’s heart sank. He’d hoped they were through the worst of it. “When can we know?”
“When she starts sitting up and taking a bit of food and is able to keep it down, then she’ll be through the worst of it.” Doctor Mason picked up his black bag and headed for the door. “I’m going home to try to get a couple of hours sleep. Send someone for me if she gets worse.”
After the door closed behind the doctor, Clay sank to his knees and bowed his head. He pleaded for Ellen’s life again and listed all the reasons why God shouldn’t take her now. But he couldn’t help an overwhelming sense of foreboding. He stayed on his knees beside her bed and watched her sleep. She breathed easily and deeply; surely she was going to be all right. He was worrying needlessly. When he heard the door open behind him, he turned to see Jessica enter. He glanced at his pocket watch. She’d come back in exactly two hours, just as she’d promised.
“Franny is fine,” she said. “Caleb and Bridie are taking her to play at Burts’.”
“Good.” He got to his feet and stretched.
“Has the doctor been back?”
He nodded. “He said she wasn’t through the woods yet. Today should tell.”
Jessica sighed and went to fix some coffee. “I thought she was better. It’s going to be a long day. You’d better get some rest while she’s sleeping.”
Clay nodded. “I will soon.” He grinned wearily as he watched her carefully fix the coffee just the way he’d showed her. Maybe he’d misjudged the selfish beauty. Maybe she really did love Ellen.
Ellen groaned, and Jessica turned and hurried to her side. She held the basin while Ellen was sick again, then wiped her friend’s mouth and coaxed a bit more tepid tea down her.
Ellen opened her eyes and looked from Clay to Jessica. “You two been here all night?”
“Where else would we be?” Jessica smoothed Ellen’s tangled hair back from her face. “How do you feel?”
“Pretty awful.” Her face was nearly as white as the pillow and a yellow pallor lurked behind the white. “What’s wrong with me?”
Clay looked at Jessica, then back at Ellen. He didn’t want to tell her, but he couldn’t lie to her. “Cholera,” he said reluctantly.
Ellen winced as cramps gripped her stomach. “How’s Franny?”
“She’s fine,” Jessica told her. “She was on her way fishing with Caleb and Bridie when I left her a few minutes ago.”
Ellen nodded and closed her eyes with a grimace of pain on her face.
“Go get some sleep.” Jessica pushed Clay toward the door.
The touch of her hand against his chest made his mouth go dry. He surely wasn’t beginning to get attached to her, was he? The light through the window set her hair aflame, and he longed to reach out and touch a shining curl. He could smell the fresh scent of the soap she’d used and the honeysuckle scent she wore. She smelled like sunshine. She stared up at him with those amazingly blue eyes, and he saw the pulse in her throat begin to hammer. She feels it, too, he thought in amazement. She parted her lips, and he bent his head.
As his lips touched hers, Clay felt a jolt of lightning run clear through him. He gripped her shoulders and pulled her closer. The soft feel of her in his arms made him dizzy. He tore his mouth from hers and looked into her bemused face. Her eyes were still half closed. “I have to go,” he gasped. He pushed her away and ran out the door as though a thousand demons were after him. He had to get away and get his thoughts together. He couldn’t love her. She wasn’t a Christian. Surely it was just the stress of their shared situation that made him feel such crazy things. They both just needed a little comfort.
six
Jessica stared at the closed door in disbelief, then touched her fingers to her lips. Clay had actually kissed her! She still felt the shock of his lips on hers. She had flirted with many men, had held their hands and gazed into their eyes, and she had even done the kissing necessary to make another woman jealous. But she’d never been kissed where it was a mutual touching of lips and souls. She smiled and spun around the room.
I love him. The thought was overwhelming. So this was what love felt like. That’s what the difference in the kiss meant. And surely he must love her, or his kiss would not have felt so amazing. She felt giddy from the revelation of her feelings.
What should she say when he came back? Would he ask her to marry him? She frowned at the thought. She wouldn’t like him to be gone a lot. And that’s what a traveling preacher did—travel. Perhaps she could contact some of Papa’s friends back east and find him a position in a large church somewhere. He was too imposing of a man to be stuck in this backwater. Her head was filled with visions of a socially prominent life as Clay’s wife, and she smiled. She could learn to adjust to hearing about God all the time, too. She was a great pretender; no one would ever know she wasn’t a true believer herself.
She rinsed the coffee cups, then went to sit beside Ellen’s bed. After a few minutes of daydreaming, her head began to nod. She slid to the floor and leaned her head against the bed. If Ellen needed anything, she would hear her. She drifted to sleep with sweet visions of being in Clay’s arms again.
She awoke when the front door banged. Clay came toward her with a frown. “If you were too tired to watch her, you should have said so.” He helped her to her feet, and they both turned to check Ellen.
Her mouth and eyes were both open, and a dribble of vomit trailed down her chin. Jessica stared in horror, then reached out and touched her. She was cold. A scream rose in her throat, and she backed away from the bed.
She’d killed her! She had killed her only friend! She put a hand to her mouth, strangling the cry that burst from her lips, then sank bonelessly to the floor and buried her face in her hands.
Clay made a queer, choked sound in his throat and gently closed Ellen’s eyes. Tears leaked from his eyes, and he struggled to control his emotions.
“I killed her,” Jessica sobbed. “If I’d been awake, she wouldn’t have died.”
“You don’t know that,” Clay said woodenly. He sat in the chair and leaned his head into his hands. “The doc said it would be touch and go. God decided it was her time. I don’t know why.
Why would He take Franny’s mother and father both within a few months of each other? How do we tell Franny?” It was a cry from the heart.
Jessica sobbed aloud again. How could she bear this pain? Poor Franny. She loved her mother so much.
They stayed motionless, stunned with grief for several long minutes, then Clay got to his feet and started toward the door. “I’d better notify the doctor. Can you stay with her?”
She nodded. “I’m sorry, Clay. So sorry. It’s my fault. All my fault.” Grief and guilt gnawed at her insides. She’d never felt such remorse. If she could take her friend’s place, she gladly would. How could Clay bear to look at her now? How could she bear to see the accusation in his eyes? “Why wasn’t it me? I have nothing. Nobody would care if I died. Why Ellen?”
He turned and looked at her. “Don’t blame yourself, Red. We can’t know God’s ways sometimes. We just have to trust Him even when it hurts.” He closed the door behind him.
Jessica dragged her skirts behind her as she crawled to the bed where Ellen lay. Ellen’s skin was beginning to take on the waxy pallor of death. Just a few days ago they’d sat in this room and laughed. She had told Ellen things she hadn’t told anyone before. Why had she never realized before what a blessing it was to have a friend? She didn’t think she would ever have another one. It hurt too much to lose one.
Clay came back soon with the doctor, and they wrapped Ellen’s body in a sheet and carried it out. The doctor touched her shoulder briefly. “There will be five other funerals tomorrow, Miss DuBois. You did all you could.”
Did he think it would comfort her to know others had died, too? Well, it didn’t. She didn’t care about the others; she only cared about Ellen. And she hadn’t done all she could. That’s what hurt so much. If she had been awake to help Ellen when she vomited, she would still be alive.
Numbly, Jessica gathered up the soiled clothing and bedding and took them out to the pile of laundry in the yard. She looked around at the stacks of clothing and the pot for boiling the clothes. Someone else would take this little cabin and the job Ellen had been so thrilled to get. A sob burst again from her throat, and she hurried across the parade ground toward home. She wanted to fling herself across her bed and weep until she had no more tears.
Her mother looked up when she burst into the house. She put her hand to her mouth when she saw Jessica’s tearstained face. “Oh, my dear girl,” she said in a faltering voice. “I feared she wouldn’t make it.”
Jessica burst into fresh tears, and her mother held her as she sobbed out her grief and misery. Poor Franny. The little girl knew more about loss already than any child should know. She lifted her wet face from her mother’s shoulder. “Can we take care of Franny, Mama?”
Her mother hesitated a moment, then nodded. “Of course, darling. I’m sure your Uncle Samuel won’t mind if she stays with us for a bit.”
“Not just a bit. Always. I want to keep her.” Until she spoke the words, she didn’t realize she felt that way. She didn’t see how she could love Franny any more if she were her own daughter. “Please, Mama.”
Her mother bit her lip. “We have no room, Jessica. You know we’re already cramped.”
“We can put up a small bed in my room, or she can even sleep with me.” But even as she argued, she knew it was no use. Her mother was right. There was barely room for all of them as it was. Franny was just a little girl right now, but she wouldn’t stay little forever. But there had to be a way to keep her. Somehow, she would find a way.
“I’ll ask your uncle,” her mother promised.
But Jessica knew what he would say. He was a stingy man and would see no need to take in Franny when she had a blood relative right here in Fort Bridger. But how could Clay care for a little girl? He was gone for weeks at a time. It would be too hard on Franny if he took her from fort to fort. Maybe an arrangement where they shared her care would work. She bit her lip. But where would Clay keep her? He lived in a cabin even smaller than Ellen’s when he was here; there was no place for Franny there.
Jessica went to her room wearily. She was too tired to think of a solution now, but surely some idea would come to her. She lay down across the top of the bed without bothering to get undressed, thinking she would just close her eyes for a few minutes. Her head throbbed from stress and tears, but every time she closed her eyes, she saw Ellen’s face.
She had been lying there for what seemed like only a few minutes when she heard Franny’s voice. She got quickly to her feet, smoothed her hair, and went to the parlor.
Clay was there, too, with Franny on his lap. He was listening as Franny recounted the day’s events to him.
“I tried to find a tadpole for Jessie, but I couldn’t find none,” she said. When she saw Jessica come into the room, she gave a squeal of delight and slid from Clay’s lap. She ran across the floor and flung herself against Jessica’s skirts.
Jessica kneeled and gathered her close. “Hey, muffin, did you get muddy like I. . .I mean, Ruth did?”
Franny shook her blond curls. “I stayed clean.” She patted Jessica’s hair, then touched her face. “Why are you crying? I really tried to find you a tadpole.”
The tears rained down Jessica’s cheeks harder. “I know you did, muffin,” she said, muffling a sob. She took a deep breath and looked at Clay helplessly.
He saw the plea in her eyes and stepped forward. He took Franny from Jessica and brought her to the sofa. Jessica sank beside him and clasped her hands in her lap. “We need to talk to you, Franny.”
The little girl touched his face and looked over at Jessica. Her eyes welled with tears. “Is it Mommy? Did she go to see Jesus, too?” Her lips trembled, and there was fear in her eyes.
Jessica’s gaze flew to Clay’s face. He looked as astonished as she felt. How had Franny known? She caressed her blond curls. “Yes, darling. Yes, she did.”
Franny’s lips trembled, and she buried her face in Clay’s chest. “I want my mommy,” she wailed. “I don’t want Mommy to go to see Daddy and Jesus without me.” She ground her tiny fists in her eyes and sobbed. “Mommy! Mommy!”
Jessica wanted to sob aloud with her, but she bit her lip and forced back the tears.
Clay hugged her close, and Jessica could hear the tears in his voice. “We didn’t want her to go, either. But Jesus wanted to see your mommy real bad, and Daddy was missing her so much. Just think how happy they are together again.” He hoisted her up so he could look in her face. “And you know, we’re going to see them again someday.”
“When?” she cried. “I want to see them now!”
“We can’t go now,” he told her. “But someday we will. Whenever God says it’s time.”
She cried softly for a while, then rubbed her eyes. “Where will I sleep? Where will I live?”
“With me,” Jessica and Clay answered simultaneously. They each stopped and eyed the other.
“We’ll talk about this later,” Clay said under his breath to Jessica. He ran his palm over Franny’s head consolingly. “You can stay here with Jessica for now.”
“I want my mommy,” she cried again. Her cries became wails of anguish.
Tears streaming down his own face, Clay rocked her back and forth in his arms until she finally cried herself to sleep. He carried her to the bedroom and laid her in the middle of Jessica’s bed.
While he was gone from the room, Jessica marshaled all the reasons she had for keeping Franny with her. She had to make him see reason. Franny needed a woman. She had to make him see that somehow.
“Let’s sit on the porch,” she suggested when he returned.
He inclined his head in agreement and let her lead the way. Neither of them said anything until they were seated on the porch rocking chairs.
“Franny is my cousin,” Clay began. “You’re no blood relation at all. She needs someone who will love her no matter what. I don’t mean to be unkind, but you really have had very little experience with children. You’ve mostly seen her at her best. The next fe
w months are going to be rough for her while she deals with the loss of both her parents. And I love her. She belongs with me.”
She just had to make him understand. “I know that everything you say is true. But I love Franny, too. I don’t see how anyone could love her more than I do.” Clay’s face softened at her admission, and she took hope as she plunged on. “You have to understand, Clay. I was always afraid to open myself up to care about anyone else. I’d been hurt at a young age, and I didn’t trust other people. Ellen and Franny changed all that. Ellen was the first and only friend I’ve ever had. I will never hurt Franny. Never. I would give my life for her.” Tears stood in her eyes after her impassioned speech, but she didn’t care. She didn’t care about anything but keeping Franny with her. A small part of her wondered why he didn’t see the obvious solution. If they married, they could both keep Franny. Did that kiss mean nothing to him?
Clay was silent a moment. “She belongs with me,” he repeated stubbornly.
“You travel so much—who’s going to care for her when you’re not here? And you don’t have room for her in that tiny cabin anyway.”
His restless movements stilled. She could see he hadn’t really thought the whole thing through. “Just think about it,” she pleaded. “A decision doesn’t have to be made yet. Let’s get through the funeral, and we’ll talk about it some more.”
He stood and paced the length of the porch. “All right,” he said abruptly. “But I’m not promising anything.”
“Fair enough. Do we know when the funeral is?”
“Tomorrow morning at ten. Ellen’s will be first, and then I have five more to do in the afternoon. Do you want to pick out a dress for her to buried in?”
Tears blurred her vision again, and she nodded.
“Fine. I’ll be in the infirmary. Bring it there as soon as you can.” He turned and walked down the steps.
She watched his long strides across the parade ground. She hoped he might turn and wave, but he just walked to the infirmary and disappeared inside. What had the kiss earlier meant to him? Nothing at all? Or had she killed any affection he might feel for her with her negligence? She was suddenly fiercely glad she had never felt like this before about a man. It hurt. It hurt more than anything she had ever experienced. She swallowed the lump in her throat and got to her feet. She’d better find a dress for Ellen before Franny awoke.