“Is your life here so terrible?” she asked. “I have tried to improve your condition since learning of your suffering in Ellentrea.”
The obvious sincerity in her words hit him solidly, as if he had walked into a wall. Despite the fact that I am an ‘animal’ to her, and despite shaming her grove by taking a pet, she is honestly trying to make me happy. Lyralliantha was much like the other She’Har, largely unemotional and clueless with regard to human foibles. She firmly believed the ‘people vs. baratti’ paradigm, and yet she also earnestly sought to avoid unnecessary cruelty.
She’s trying to be kind.
It wasn’t the kindness of equals, but the kindness a man might show his dog. Daniel was reminded of Blue then. I wouldn’t let him sleep in my bed, but I loved him.
A languid despair passed over him then. The despair of a man who knows he will never be treated as a true person. Lyralliantha seemed the best of the lot, and yet he doubted he could ever teach her to consider humans as people.
“No,” he replied, letting go of his anger. “My life has improved dramatically here with you.”
She watched him, studying his aura, and in it she saw only honesty and resignation. “You wish you could see your family, don’t you?”
That question caught him off guard, “What?”
“I saw it in your memories, when you were playing,” she told him, speaking slowly. “Your thoughts were filled with them, images and flickers of moments in the past. I could feel your longing, especially when you remembered the red haired girl.”
“Catherine,” said Daniel, giving her name. “She wasn’t family.”
“Yet, you miss her. I felt it, Tyrion. It poured out of you, a river of feeling, so deep that I thought I might drown in it.”
“To be so new to my language, you already have a poet’s gift with words,” said Daniel.
“Do not try to redirect me,” she said mildly. “I felt it, through you. I do not understand the reason for it, but I understand how important they are to you.”
“And for that you had to speak to the elders?”
She nodded, “I asked them for permission to allow you to leave the grove.”
Daniel’s mind snapped to full attention, “I thought that was your decision.”
“I have the power to alter the limits in your collar, but we are forbidden to allow our baratti outside the groves without permission,” she said.
That didn’t make sense to him. Daniel had seen the warden pass through and near Colne at least twice after his power had awakened, and he was fairly certain that they had probably been making yearly trips through the area, whether they were always seen or not. He said as much to her, “Don’t you let wardens patrol the valley regularly?”
“We don’t,” said Lyralliantha, correcting his misperception. “The Illeniel Grove has never had a warden before. The other groves send wardens, but only on a strict schedule.”
“Does your grove have to get permission from the others before they can allow someone like me to leave?” he asked.
“No, Tyrion, we do not, but sending you without consulting the other groves could have consequences.”
Consequences? He gave her a puzzled look.
“In the past, the wardens went merely to eliminate any children who were detected with the ability to manipulate aythar. This was a precaution to keep our special genes from escaping into the wild population. Your particular mutation and your success in the arena have led some to speculate on a different strategy regarding the wild human settlements,” she explained.
Sudden fear shot through Daniel. Could the She’Har be contemplating genocide? “I’m the only one with this ability,” he told her. “The people of my village aren’t a threat.”
“You are thinking along the wrong lines,” she warned. “Your service in the arena has given the Illeniel Grove access to a large amount of shuthsi over the past several years. The Prathion Grove has also prospered. Thillmarius arranged your matches to benefit them by eliminating the strongest competitors from the other groves. You are now seen by all the groves as a tremendous asset. Do you see where this line of reasoning leads?”
They might be thinking of searching for more ‘wild’ talents and acquiring them, instead of just culling them. “You worry that they will think the Illeniels are trying to secure an even greater advantage in the arena, by finding more like me? But there aren’t any others, it wouldn’t benefit them.”
“We do not know the truth of that statement, nor do you,” she asserted, “but if we send you, it could lead the other groves to begin searching. Currently they do not know for sure which settlement you came from.”
“Thillmarius said you have genntik information from me already. Can’t you use that to create as many slaves with my abilities as you want? Why would they need to search the free villages?” asked Daniel.
Lyralliantha appraised him thoughtfully, “I am amazed you remember so much from Thillmarius’ ramblings. Yes, we have your ‘genetic’ information, and we could create new humans with your genes, but we haven’t studied them long enough yet to take such risks. Also, that information belongs to the Illeniel Grove. If the others wish to gain access to it, they must seek permission from us, unless they find their own samples.”
He noted the difference in the way she pronounced the word to correct his own usage, but another question occurred to him, “How long would this trip last—if I were allowed to go?”
“The usual time is one or two weeks,” answered Lyralliantha, “and while the restrictions on your collar will be temporarily removed, you are not to breed with wild humans.”
“Breed with wild—humans…,” Daniel let the words trail slowly from his lips. I never asked to breed with anyone! Even as he thought that, though, he felt an odd disappointment. Perhaps the thought had lain quietly under the surface of his mind. “Why would you think that I would want to do that?” he asked, unable to restrain himself.
“You are a rapist, so I thought it best to be clear,” she replied with a perfectly straight face.
If Daniel had not spent so much time with the She’Har, he would never have believed her deadpan expression. She delivered the statement as if it were a simple fact, not something worthy of being upset over. Not an insult or an offensive label, it was just a noun. “You are a rapist,” the words repeated themselves in his head.
Eventually his mouth fell open, “What?!”
“Did I use the wrong word?” she said, glancing upward as if she was searching her mind to double check. “A rapist is one who forces another to have sex, correct?”
Daniel nodded dumbly.
“I thought so,” she said brightly, pleased with herself for not choosing the wrong word. “The other groves have many rapists, to make sure the arena has plenty of competitors.”
There were so many oddities in her last sentence that Daniel’s mind almost shut down. They have many rapists? Was she referring to their method of producing children for camps like Ellentrea?
“I am not a rapist,” he told her frankly. He could only imagine the ways in which they created children in Ellentrea, but he wanted to be clear on his own viewpoint.
“But you have already tried to rape me twice,” said Lyralliantha. Again, her carefree manner of speaking was in complete opposition to the horror of her statement.
“I—what? When?”
“Immediately after accepting the collar, and then again a few days ago, when you were holding me.” She seemed surprised, as if he should have remembered.
He was flabbergasted. “I will admit to being attracted to you, but I had no intention of trying to force myself on you,” he said arguing in his defense.
“You wished to have sex with me, yes?”
Never in his life had Daniel ever expected to have such a conversation with a woman, of any species. Reluctantly he nodded, “Well, yes, among other things…”
“And you attempted to manipulate my feelings, to force my acceptance using your aythar,” s
he interrupted. “This is forcing, you take away the other person’s choice. Forcing sex is rape.”
He was unable to believe his ears. “I was trying to be persuasive, perhaps, but that is all.”
“You are deluded,” she told him. “Shall I teach you the difference?”
He was growing angry, so he accepted her challenge, “Go ahead.”
The stinging slap that struck his cheek was sudden and unexpected. Even so, his reflexes gave him the opportunity to avoid it. His days in the arena were still fresh in his memory. He let it land, thinking it better not to anger her by dodging. The sudden pain made his eyes water, and he was even madder now. “I guess you taught me a thing or two,” he responded.
“To make my point you must be angry,” she answered coldly. She opened her hands, and long lines of spellwoven aythar snaked outward, wrapping themselves around his wrists and ankles as if they were ropes. They certainly felt solid.
Another wrapped itself around his head, and despite himself, Daniel created a shield to keep it away from him. It sent tiny thorn-like protrusions out and ate through his shield within a matter of seconds. Then it sank inward, affecting his mind. He realized then that he had lost the ability to control aythar.
“Now you are trapped, physically and mentally,” she told him. “Are you angry?”
His anger had vanished, to be replaced by cold fear. Her change in attitude and the bindings she had placed on him were uncomfortably similar to the things that Thillmarius had once done. “Actually you’re starting to scare me,” he admitted. “Are you still trying to prove a point? I never tied you up like this.”
“You are too aggressive for me to demonstrate in any other way, otherwise you might react violently,” she explained. She produced a long red whip between her hands.
Beads of sweat were rolling down his forehead now. “Look, I’m sorry. Please put that away.”
“Are you angry?” she asked. “Do you want to have sex with me?”
“Frightened,” he offered, “but I definitely don’t want to have sex with you. Please let me go.”
“That will suffice,” she said, satisfied. Letting the whip vanish she sent a line of power out, touching his aura, near his head. Suddenly Daniel’s mood began to shift.
Daniel’s trousers began to feel tight as his blood-flow changed course. Although he had been fearful only moments before, he began to experience a powerful sensation of pure lust. Lyralliantha’s eyes traveled downward. Stepping closer, she unfastened his trousers and pulled them down, freeing him.
Shame fought with passion as Daniel stood before her, trapped, both within and without.
“If I have sex with you now, will you say that I persuaded you?” she asked him.
At that particular instant, he hardly cared. He gave her a deep throated growl, as if that might communicate his wishes better, but she ignored it. She shifted the line of spellweaving that linked them together, and he felt his passion wane suddenly. His lust faded and his interest vanished. She removed the bindings that held his arms and legs and left him standing, half naked and embarrassed in front of her.
He hurriedly fixed his trousers. After spending almost five years without clothes, he had become accustomed to them within just a few weeks of having them again. His cheeks were red with shame as he looked at her.
“Now you understand,” she told him, “that is rape. That is what you tried to do.”
“Please forgive me,” he said as the realization swept over him. Kneeling before her, he thought of his days in Colne, when he had used his power recklessly. Then he had felt that what he was doing was a sin, but he had not thought of it as rape. He had seen it as a violation of himself without considering the impact on the women he had forced to lay with him.
Lyralliantha stared at him curiously, “Human apologies are a strange custom. My people do not require them. You do as you wish, but you are my property. You cannot rape me.”
Daniel was shocked once more. While he was filled with guilt and remorse he could not comprehend her attitude. “Apologies are what we do, to make amends when we have hurt someone,” he tried to explain.
“You have not hurt me. You simply act according to your nature. This does not bother me, but you must be properly trained,” she stated.
Her explanation did nothing to assuage his guilty heart. It only made clear to him that she did indeed see him as an animal. She’s no madder at me than I was when I caught Blue humping someone’s leg. The realization only made him feel worse.
Their conversation came to a halt after that. While Lyralliantha was ready to go on, having made her point, Daniel needed time to think. His world view had been altered in a fundamental way, and although he hadn’t seen himself in a very positive light before, his self-assessment had fallen precipitously.
He spent the evening alone, thinking, and he did not play any music.
Chapter 35
Daniel’s sleep was filled with dreams of the past. They woke him frequently, leaving a feeling in his head like broken glass. He was left with painful shards in his waking memory that, when examined in the light of day, only served to cut away his old self-delusions.
“You are a rapist.”
Awake he struggled to find some rationale for denying it, but her words cut cleanly to the bone, cleaving away his pitiful excuses and laying bare the truth of the matter. The fact that most of them probably never suspected that they had been forced, was irrelevant.
How much damage did I do to their families? How many of the unmarried ones did I leave with child?
In a small community like Colne, social ties were everything. The shame of pregnancy without a husband might doom some of them to poverty. The ones already married risked losing their husbands if they ever suspected the origin of their newest children.
He had hidden the truth from himself, refusing to look at it. It had lain there, in the back of his mind, naked and ugly, hidden behind his decision to run away. He had come to the deep woods seeking his own death, not because he felt remorseful over the warden’s death, or even Ronnie’s death. In that dark corner of his soul, he had been ashamed of what he had done, and he had known already what Lyralliantha had so bluntly said.
Part of the reason he had so readily accepted his violent and isolated existence in Ellentrea, had been because subconsciously he had felt it was something he deserved, not because of his magical ability, not because of what Brenda had done to him, but because of what he had done to the women of Colne.
And Kate had simply forgiven him for it.
Anyone with the strength to forgive something like that would surely have the strength to handle the truth of what Brenda did to me. Daniel had been an utter fool.
He gave up on sleeping before the sun rose and spent the wee hours of the morning exercising and practicing. Years of solitude in Ellentrea had taught him that the secret of remaining sane was to silence the thoughts of an idle mind. Focused on his magic, Daniel experimented with creating visible illusions. He couldn’t replicate the invisibility that the Prathion mages used, but he could create extremely realistic illusions.
He had yet to find a practical way to use them in the arena. Other mages could see through them far too easily, since they didn’t provide the same visibility in the magical spectrum. Among the She’Har and the humans of Ellentrea, that meant everyone could tell illusion from reality.
Lyralliantha returned in time for their lessons with Byovar, and Daniel avoided discussing their previous conversation. She seemed unfazed, just as she had the day before. Her revelation had only been traumatic for Daniel.
When Byovar finished and left she wasted no time. “Have you thought about what I told you yesterday?” she asked.
“Yes,” he responded, “and I don’t know if I will ever get over the shame of what I have done.”
She frowned, “I was referring to the possibility of visiting your family. Shame is a waste of energy. Besides, you did me no harm.”
“Before I left
home—there were others,” Daniel told her.
“Do not dwell on the past, Tyrion. It is a small thing.”
He was ever more aware that what the She’Har considered small could be a large consideration in human society. Without love, family, or marriage, a crime such as mine is a small thing. The She’Har have very little to lose.
He gained a flash of insight then, the She’Har are poor. In every way that matters, they are paupers. Without love and friendship, the nurturing of children or the joy of laughter, what do they have?
“Do you ever feel sad?” he asked suddenly, changing the subject.
She accepted the switch without complaint, “We have human bodies, and so we experience the same emotions that you do, but we do not assign the same value to them.”
“So you can feel, but that doesn’t answer the question. Have you felt sadness?”
Lyralliantha nodded, “Yes, in small amounts I have. I had never experienced the sort of sadness you projected to me that day, when you played ‘Dana’s Lament’. Such overwhelming feelings are uncommon for us.”
He kept probing, “Did you feel empty once it was gone, when you realized why I felt it?”
She blinked, and it was a long minute before she answered. “Something changed, but I am not sure what. I went to the elders because I knew you needed to see your people. Keeping you here with no chance of seeing them again was a greater cruelty than any of us ever knew.”
“But now that you know, now that you’ve felt the love and longing, the joy and sorrow, of having and losing my family—do you feel a corresponding lack, for yourself?”
“I am uncertain. I am grateful that I do not suffer the powerful negative emotions that seem to plague your kind, but I find myself somewhat envious of the bonds that you share with each other,” said Lyralliantha. “I am also learning that the way we keep humans may be even crueler than the Illeniel Grove ever knew, and we already believed it was too harsh.”
“Do you wish that you had a family?” he continued.
“I do not misuse my time by wanting for something I cannot have,” she stated.