“Everything will be all right,” Damien says. “You’re going to be okay.”
All it takes is hearing him say that to make me believe it might be true. Damien soothes me in magical ways.
Ethan calls me back a few minutes after I hang up with Damien.
“Why are you blowing up my phone?”
“One call and one text do not constitute ‘blowing up.’”
Ethan sighs impatiently. “What’s going on? I have three seconds.”
“Oh, nothing. Just that Gram died and I thought you might want to know.”
“Crap. That sucks.”
Awkward silence.
“That’s it?” I say. “‘That sucks’? Gram is dead, Ethan. Do you have any idea how horrible this is?” The tears I was fighting when I was talking to Damien come flooding out. “You’re the one person I wanted to talk to the most and I couldn’t even get you. That’s so wrong. I really needed you.”
Muffled sounds of talking from the other end. Then Ethan comes back on. “Sorry, Zeke had to tell me something. We’re sort of dealing with an emergency here.”
“Are you seriously talking to someone else when I just told you my grandmother died? What could be more of an emergency than that?”
“The sound system guys—”
“I don’t want to hear about it! All I’ve done is support you and you can’t even support me when I need you the most. I’ve shifted my entire world to revolve around yours. I’m not . . . It’s time to shift back to normal.”
“What are you saying?”
“We need more of a balance. I need more of a balance. I love you and I want to be with you, but our relationship can’t be all about you. I’m part of us, too.”
“I never said you weren’t.”
“But you act like I’m not. You used to ask about my life. You used to care about what was going on with me. When’s the last time we talked about anything that wasn’t directly related to you?”
More muffled talking from Ethan’s end. When he comes back on he says, “Sorry, I have to go.”
“Did you hear what I just said?”
“Yeah. Look, I know it’s crazy right now. Like I told you, things will calm down after the tour. Then we can focus on you. I promise.”
“Shouldn’t we be focusing on both of us all the time?”
“You’re right. But we’re in two different worlds. That’s just the way it is now. It won’t be like this forever.”
I can hear Zeke yelling something at Ethan. “Hang on . . . I have to go,” Ethan tells me. Maybe he meant to hang up. But I can hear Zeke clearly now.
“Why did you do that?” Zeke yells. “I told you not to be an asshole.”
Ethan: “You need to take your control issues for a walk.”
Zeke: “You ungrateful brat. I discovered you. You should be more appreciative of everything I’ve done.”
Ethan: “You always make it sound like you’re the only one working around here. I’ve worked hard for where I am. I put years of sweat and blood into this.”
Zeke: “Then I came along and made you a star. I work insane hours for you and this is the thanks I get?”
Ethan: “Stop trying to be my dad.”
Zeke: “Hey, kid. Your parents aren’t on the road with you. I am. You’re stuck with me whether you like it or not.”
There are muffled sounds from Ethan’s end, like he’s messing with his phone. Then I hear Zeke say, “We’re done here.”
I had no idea the tension was this bad between Ethan and Zeke. Of course I knew they fight sometimes. But that sounded horrible. Why hasn’t Ethan told me how crazy things have gotten with Zeke? I’m his girlfriend. I’m his best friend. When did I stop being the one person he tells everything to? And what kind of boyfriend can’t even soothe his girlfriend after her gram just died?
44
[20,587,113 FOLLOWERS]
Ethan’s doing a duet with Taylor Swift. She slinks across the stage to him. All sexy in her skintight dress. Glittery fringe shimmers around her perfectly toned legs.
I can see the glimmer in Ethan’s eyes when he looks at her. The glimmer I thought was only in his eyes when he looked at me.
This is the last night of Ethan’s tour. I wanted to watch from backstage. I thought it would be more special if I could be closer to Ethan for his last show.
That was before this morning.
Zeke is chatting up some VIPs passing through on a backstage tour. He catches my eye. He smirks, cocking his head in the direction of the stage like Ethan and his ladies.
Does Zeke know?
Ethan comes offstage with the band before their encore. He darts to me in a rush of electric energy and adrenaline and sweat. The crowd is going wild for him to come back out.
It’s different when I look at him now. When I look at him, all I can see is this morning.
We planned for me to come in this afternoon. But I wanted to surprise him. I couldn’t wait to see him again. So I showed up at his hotel room early.
A bodyguard was stationed outside Ethan’s suite. He told me I couldn’t go in.
Maybe it was the way he said it. Maybe it was the way he couldn’t make eye contact. Whatever it was, somehow I knew what was going on behind that door.
Ethan was with someone.
He was with a girl.
Deep down, I knew he was cheating on me. But it wasn’t until this morning that I could even admit that terrifying suspicion to myself. It was happening right that second. There was nothing I could do about it. All I could do was perch awkwardly on the way-too-fancy settee outside his suite and wait for it to be over. The relationship quiz Georgia and I took at the gym flashed into my mind. Which scenario best describes the worst relationship ever? This one. Right here and now.
Ethan’s bodyguard must have alerted him that I was there. When Ethan came out twenty minutes later, he apologized for being on a closed-door conference call. I pretended to believe him. We went out for lunch. I never saw the girl.
“What did you think?” Ethan asks breathlessly. Sweat pours down his face. The last song had some hardcore choreo.
I could confront him. Tell him I know he had a girl in his room. But that would be admitting what’s happening. If my world shatters any more than it already has, I don’t know how I’ll pick up the pieces.
“Awesome,” I say. “You were awesome.”
Of course this is happening on the last night of the Forever Tour. The irony has not been lost on me. All those promises Ethan made that we’d be together forever were such a joke.
Ethan rushes back out onstage. The crowd goes ballistic.
I get a flash of missing him already.
Like he’s already gone.
45
[22,160,492 FOLLOWERS]
When photos of Ethan kissing another girl go viral, I’m not even surprised.
I knew it. I don’t know how I knew it. But I did.
She’s pretty. Of course she’s pretty. She’s blonde and skinny with sharp features. Not curvy like me. Her cheekbones are ridiculous.
People are saying she’s a fan.
Everyone knows how much love Ethan has for his fans. Still, I wasn’t expecting him to hook up with one. Ethan Cross and Taylor Swift? Totally. Ethan Cross and Random Fangirl? Not so much.
It’s weird that I’m not crying. I should be crying. Instead, I’m just numb. I reach for the phone.
Damien picks up right away.
“Hey,” he says.
“Have you heard?”
“Yeah. I’m so sorry.”
“Who is she?”
“I don’t know. Some fan?”
“But how could he hook up with a fan?”
“You know how these girls are.”
He’s right. Being with the rock star they worship is every fangirl’s fantasy. That thing where you’re so obsessed with someone famous you think you actually have a chance with them. You really believe that if they just meet you once, that will be all it takes for
them to feel the same way about you. That it would be love at first sight. Even if they’re the biggest rock star in the world. Even if they already have a girlfriend. It’s a fantasy that’s never become reality.
Until now.
I wish Damien were here. He can soothe me in a way no one else can.
“Do you want me to come over?” Damien says. He’s good at reading my mind.
“Yeah, but . . .”
“But what?”
“Aren’t you staying with friends in New York?”
“Exactly. I can drive over.”
“That’s kind of a long drive.”
“Sterling. I’d drive anywhere for you. Don’t you know that?”
“Are you sure you’re not too busy?”
“Busy waiting around for the next gig to start? It’s not until next weekend. What’s your address?”
While I’m waiting for Damien to get here, I think about how amazing he is. He’s been my rock all along. Listening to me vent about problems with Ethan. Hanging out with me backstage before shows. Sharing his quirky theories and stories with me.
Becoming a good friend when I didn’t even realize it was happening.
My phone has been blowing up all morning. Ethan won’t stop texting me. Plus he left me a bunch of messages. I refuse to read or listen to anything he has to say. Pictures don’t lie. Unlike him.
My heart pounds at the sound of Damien’s car pulling into the driveway. Mom is away on a business trip, so it has to be him. I can’t believe Damien is really here. That he’ll be in my home in a few seconds. In my room.
The doorbell rings.
I take a deep breath. I open the door.
“Hey,” Damien says. His eyes crinkle in that warm way when he smiles.
“Hey,” I say. I open the door wider to let him in.
“Nice place,” he says. “It’s so clean.”
“Thanks. My mom is into design. Or she tries to be designy. This place is easy to keep clean. It’s not like we have a whole house or anything.” Why am I rambling like a rambling idiot? “Was it a crazy drive?”
“Not at all.”
I want to hug him. I want to say, “I’m so happy you’re here.” Instead, I say, “Would you like something to drink?”
“Water would be great. Thanks.”
We go into the kitchen. I almost trip over a bar stool. It’s absurd how jittery I am. There’s no reason to be nervous. This is Damien. I’ve hung out with him a bunch of times. He’s always made me feel completely relaxed.
So why is my stomach fluttering with butterflies?
I remember where the glasses are. I get the water pitcher out of the refrigerator. I manage not to drop it. Damien sits at the counter on the stool I almost tripped over.
“You really do love to cook,” he says. “All these kitchen toys are awesome. Is that a Calphalon pan set? High-end, girl.”
“How do you know they’re Calphalon?”
“My mom had the same set.”
Damien never talks about his family. I want to ask more about them, but I don’t want to stress him out.
I sit across from Damien at the bar. We sip our waters.
“Nice touch.” Damien indicates the lime wedge in his water.
“I’m fancy like that. Oh, and the water is infused with lemon and strawberries. So I’m extra fancy.”
Damien looks like he’s about to say something, but he’s trying to find the right words. “How are you doing?” he asks.
“Horrible. It doesn’t feel real. Even though I knew it before today.”
“You knew?”
“Not for sure. But I had a feeling he was . . . something didn’t feel right.”
“He’s mental to get with anyone else. You can do better. Way better.”
“So I’ve been told.”
Our eyes lock. My heart pounds.
“He said we’d always be together,” I murmur. “He said I was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen. How could he say those things if he didn’t mean them?”
“They do that. Guys. They say one thing and do another.” Damien rubs his hands over his face. “Kill me if I ever turn into my dad.”
“What do you mean?”
Damien looks at me. “My dad made the same promises to my mom. Then he started working late. Making excuses for not being around on weekends. My mom thought everything was fine. At least, she acted like she did.” Damien rubs his finger up and down the condensation on the side of his glass. “There was this girl at my school. I really liked her. She was a senior when I was a junior. It took me months to get up the courage to ask her out. She came over a few times. My dad was always home when she was over. One night they started talking. My dad’s not that funny, but she was laughing at everything he said.”
Please tell me this is not going where I think it’s going.
“We weren’t together that long. If we were ever officially together. She told me she had feelings for someone else. Guess who?”
I shake my head.
“When I found out my dad was cheating on my mom with an eighteen-year-old girl—who I really liked—I knew I could never forgive him.”
“That’s horrible.”
“Oh, it gets worse. My mom took my dad back like nothing happened. She wanted to stay married, like nothing was wrong. Like everything was still the picture-perfect image they’d been fooling their friends with for years. I was disgusted at my dad for cheating with the girl I wanted to be my girlfriend. I was disgusted with my mom for pretending like it never happened. I couldn’t live with hypocrites. The life my parents are living is a lie. No way was I going to be a part of that. I just had to get out of there. I dropped out of school. Packed a bag and left. That was three years ago and I’ve never looked back.”
And I thought I was having a bad day. What Damien went through was so much worse. The perspective does make me feel a little better about Ethan. Of course it hurts like hell that he cheated on me. But what’s it like to have your husband cheat on you? After all those years together? Damien’s mom must have been dying inside.
“I’m so sorry that happened to you,” I say. “Do you regret dropping out of school?”
“Not at all. I got my GED on time, so it didn’t even matter. I love the freedom to go wherever I want. Life on the road is my jam. Even before everything blew up with my parents, I was thinking there has to be a better way to live. What’s the point of settling down when there’s so much to see in the world?”
I get that the nomadic lifestyle works for Damien. He seems happy with his decision. But I wonder if anything will ever make him change his mind about having a real home life.
“Sorry for the rambling,” Damien says. “This isn’t about me.”
“No, it helped a lot. Anyway, I’m not as upset as I should be. I mean, I’m upset, but I’m not breaking down crying like I thought I would be. Maybe because I’ve already dealt with it in a way. Deep down, I knew he was . . .”
“That boy is out of his head. When Drew told me last week, I couldn’t believe it.”
“Told you what?”
Damien’s eyes get big. “He told me about Ethan. About the girl.”
“Last week?”
He nods.
“You knew Ethan was cheating on me last week and you didn’t tell me?”
“I was hoping it was just a rumor. You know how those guys are.”
“Yeah, I know how they are. I thought you were different.”
“I didn’t mean—”
“Do you know I showed up at Ethan’s hotel early? When he was in his room with her? How could you let me humiliate myself like that?”
“I—”
“What did Drew tell you?”
“He said Ethan was hooking up with some girl. That’s it.”
“Did he see her?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“No, I want to know. What did he say?”
“He said . . . he said she was hot.”
“So you
heard that Ethan was hooking up with some hot girl before the last show and you didn’t bother to tell me? When you knew I’d be at the show?”
Damien reaches across the counter for my hand. I pull away from him.
“Can you go now?” I say.
“Sterling—”
“Just go.” I don’t want to hear anymore. I thought I could trust Damien. I thought he was the one person who had my back. How could he let me go to that show and smile at everyone on Ethan’s crew when they all knew about the other girl? How could he let me be with Ethan that night?
Ethan. Who’s calling me. Again.
This time, I pick up.
“Stop calling me,” I say. My voice shakes. “Stop texting me. We’re done.”
“Please listen to me.”
“STOP FUCKING CALLING ME!” I scream so loud my throat burns. Then I throw my phone across the room. Let it break to pieces. Just like the rest of my life.
46
The thing about closure is that you can’t move on without it.
I would know. I’ve been not moving on for three weeks. Three weeks of shutting the world out. Three weeks of hardly registering that I graduated and high school is over forever and it’s summer vacay and I should be happy.
Three weeks of putting my life on hold.
But life can’t be avoided forever. Life is happening right now. And this isn’t the life I want to be living.
Georgia said I could come over when I called her this morning. I’m relieved she didn’t change her mind about seeing me. There was a moment of paralyzing fear when I rang her doorbell. But then she opened the door and we came up to her room like we were already back to normal.
“New plant?” I inquire about a tall dark green one with yellow stripes along the edges of its leaves.
“Snake plant. He already thinks he owns the joint.”