“What about her?”
“Do you…do you pretend—”
“No.” He didn’t allow her to finish because he knew what she was going to ask. “Not once have I made love to you and thought of her. Not once.” He said it emphatically, so there’d be no doubt in her mind.
“Then…then what do you think about?”
He said the first thing that came to him. The truth. “How much I want you, how much you satisfy me. How grateful I am that you’re in my life—and in my bed.”
She turned to face him and slowly raised her eyes to his, studying his expression, seeking some outward sign that he was telling her the truth.
He reached for her hand and brought it to his lips. “It’s true, Leah.”
He kissed her then, astonished by the sweetness and the power of her kiss.
“You’re sure the boys are asleep?” she asked in a whisper-thin voice. “I know Kelsey is…”
“Yes,” Paul said, urging her toward the bedroom.
She didn’t hesitate.
When they lay in each other’s arms, satisfied and exhausted, Paul returned to the worry she’d confided in him a little earlier.
“Please believe me when I say I’ve never, ever, confused you with Diane. I need you, Leah. Not because of the way we make love together, and not because of all the help you’ve given me with the children. I don’t know exactly when it happened or even why, but I need you in my life. To laugh with me. To share the joy of raising my children, to share the grief of losing someone we both deeply loved.”
Paul’s hands abandoned hers and moved to softly caress her face. “I call myself a writer, work with words every day, yet I can’t find the words I need now. I wish I could say everything I feel for you. I wish I could explain what’s in my heart….”
His mouth took her, and, sighing, she lifted her arms and slid them around his neck.
The phone on the bedside table rang just then, and Paul groaned and broke away. He let it ring a second time and a third as he tried to compose himself before answering.
“Hello.” Despite his effort he knew he sounded gruff and impatient.
“Paul, it’s Rich. Got a minute?”
Paul’s eyes met Leah’s and he grinned. That was about as long as he was willing to spare. “Yeah, a minute.”
“Jamie and I were talking. Actually, Jason was in on the discussion, too.”
“What discussion?”
“I’m getting around to that, so quit being so impatient. We all want to take you and Leah out to dinner Saturday night. Sort of a welcome-to-the-family thing for Leah. We should’ve done it sooner, but with Mom and Dad out of town…Anyway, better late than never.”
It took an instant for his brother’s words to sink in. He turned his face away from his wife because looking at Leah was too distracting.
“What did you say?” he muttered. “Dinner?”
“Yeah, dinner. Saturday night for you and Leah. Uh, do you want me to call back later?”
“No, that’s okay. We’ll need to find a sitter, but that shouldn’t be too difficult.”
“Mom and Dad will want to hold a reception for the two of you when they’re back from Montana, but that’s not going to be for a month.”
“Or more.”
“Exactly,” Rich said. “It’s too long to wait. We all like Leah and want to make sure she feels welcome.”
“That’s very nice.”
A silence ensued while Paul tried to think of an excuse to get off the phone.
“Why don’t you check with Leah,” Rich suggested. “In case she made other plans.”
“Oh…right.” Paul realized he probably sounded like an idiot. “Hold on a minute.” He cupped his hand over the receiver. “It’s Rich. He’s inviting us out to dinner Saturday evening. Is that a problem?”
“Ah…not that I can think of.”
“It’s fine,” he said. “See you Saturday, then.” He was hanging up the receiver when Rich stopped him.
“You might be interested in knowing where and what time.”
“Oh, right.” He opened his bedstand drawer and got a pen, then wrote down the necessary information using the title page of the paperback he was currently reading.
There was a slight hesitation from Rich once he’d finished. “You okay, Paul? You don’t sound like yourself.”
“I’m fine,” he answered as evenly as possible. He hung up with a cursory goodbye and reached for Leah. “Now, where were we?”
Leah liked Jamie, Rich’s wife. But until Paul had joined the softball team, she’d only talked to her sister-in-law occasionally. Whenever she did, though, Leah was impressed with Jamie’s charm and graciousness. She didn’t know her well enough to confide in her, but she hoped someday she would.
Leah needed a friend. Now more than ever. Diane was gone, and she’d drifted away from Linda, whose life had become so different from her own.
It wouldn’t surprise Leah to learn that the Saturday dinner had been Jamie’s idea. The two women had seen each other earlier in the week. Jamie had a doctor’s appointment and her usual babysitter hadn’t been available, so she’d called Leah. Naturally Leah had been happy to watch Bethany.
Bethany had been no trouble, and Jamie had been so grateful. She’d returned from her doctor’s appointment beaming with the news of a second pregnancy. Leah hadn’t told Paul, not wanting to ruin Rich’s surprise.
Perhaps it was Jamie’s happy news that brought Diane to mind. Leah missed her sister in so many ways. Yet she couldn’t help feeling that Diane still stood between her and Paul. Between her and the children.
Although Paul had been quick to offer her reassurances that Diane’s presence hadn’t followed them into the bedroom, Leah’s fears weren’t completely laid to rest. She hoped Paul had told her the truth—that Diane wasn’t part of their lovemaking. But if that was the case, why did Leah struggle with so much guilt?
Leah was afraid she knew exactly why. Without ever intending it, she truly had taken her sister’s place.
Although the children called her Leah, they thought of her as their mother. As Elizabeth Manning had pointed out, Leah was the only mother Kelsey had ever known.
She was a wife to Paul, too. A wife in every sense. But Leah wasn’t fooling herself. She knew her sister was the children’s mother. Although he’d married her, Paul didn’t love her. Maybe he wanted her, something he confessed to often. Maybe he needed her, something he demonstrated frequently. But he didn’t love her. Not the way he had Diane.
Leah had thought she’d be content marrying Paul so she could raise the twins and Kelsey as her own children. A husband and family were more than she’d ever dreamed of having. But, to her dismay, she found herself becoming greedy.
The realization lay heavy on her heart. She’d always be a substitute. A poor second. A stand-in wife and mother.
Perhaps she was just feeling sorry for herself. It wasn’t like her to feel so melancholy or morose, but she was carrying an additional burden now….
It didn’t make sense that taking her sister’s place should suddenly bother Leah so much. Not when she’d been living with Paul for nearly three months, married to him a month of that time.
Admit it, her heart cried. You’re in love with him.
So what if I am?
He loves Diane.
That’s all right, you loved Diane, too. She asked you to take her place, remember?
Leah did remember, but she hadn’t expected to fall in love with Paul. Hadn’t expected so many things.
She dressed carefully for the Saturday dinner, wanting Paul to be proud of her, but knowing that no matter what she wore or how she did her hair, she’d never be as beautiful as Diane.
Paul was in and out of the bedroom while she dressed. She’d been looking forward to this evening all week. Now she wasn’t sure.
She’d been feeling listless all day, tired, a bit despondent. At noon she’d lain down with the kids and napped. Leah couldn’t rememb
er the last time she’d taken a nap. Not since she’d moved in with Paul, at any rate.
“You ready?” he asked, walking into the bedroom.
“I will be in a few minutes.”
Paul frowned. “Are you feeling all right?”
She nodded, holding back her news. All her life she’d been far too prone to keeping secrets.
“You’re not feeling well, are you?”
She sat at the edge of the bed and picked up her shoe, slipping on the patent leather pump. She hadn’t meant to say anything, at least not yet.
“Did I tell you I looked after Bethany the other day while Jamie went to the doctor?” she asked, her voice low.
“I remember you said something about it. Why?”
“No reason.” She backed off, not wanting to ruin the evening for them both.
“Leah, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” She pressed her fingers under her eyes, afraid she might start weeping. “I’ve been feeling…different all day.”
“Any reason?” He sat on the bed beside her and reached for her hand.
Leah shrugged.
“Rich tells me Jamie’s expecting again.”
Leah nodded. “I’m really happy for them.”
“Better them than us,” Paul said with a small laugh.
Leah withdrew her hand from his. “What makes you say that?” she asked.
“For obvious reasons.”
“I…see,” she said stiffly.
“What do you see?” He sounded so puzzled.
There was no hiding the truth now. “Did it ever occur to you that…that I might be pregnant, too?”
Ten
“Are you pregnant?” Paul demanded. He couldn’t seem to stand still. His heart was in his throat, and the fear…the all-consuming fear overwhelmed him. He shoved his hands in his pants pockets and formed tight fists.
“Are you?” he demanded a second time when Leah didn’t respond.
“I don’t know. Not for sure. But…”
He jerked one hand free and raked it through his hair. “How could something like this have happened?”
Leah looked so small, sitting there on the edge of the bed. His question appeared to revive her. Slowly, her hazel eyes burning with indignation, she stared at him. “What do you mean, how could something like this have happened? Think about it, Paul. Just think about it.”
“We’ve been careful.” In fact, he’d taken responsibility for birth control himself.
“What…what about the first time?”
He uttered a curse, short and to the point. Then, when he saw Leah flinch, his regret was instantaneous. He would’ve given his right arm to yank back the ugly word. That first night they’d made love had been one of the most beautiful experiences of his life. But the thought that their first time together might have resulted in pregnancy terrified him to the marrow of his bones.
“There was one other time, too…remember?” she informed him quietly.
Paul did remember. He’d been so eager for her they hadn’t taken the necessary precautions. “How late are you?” he asked after a moment.
“Six days.”
“Oh, no.” Diane had never been late, except when she was carrying the twins and Kelsey. She’d always known by the end of the first week of her missed period whether or not she was pregnant.
“I…I’m not usually late, but…I could be for one reason or another.”
Paul nodded, but he wasn’t listening as he remembered the past few days. Leah had seemed tired and listless. Diane had been the same way during the first trimester of her pregnancies.
His heart froze in his chest, the dread nearly devouring him. He couldn’t lose Leah. Not his wife. Not again. He couldn’t bear it; he couldn’t survive without Leah. Not now, when he was just beginning to live again.
“I…I made an appointment with the doctor for Monday morning,” she said haltingly. “I wasn’t going to say anything until I’d been to see him…but—”
“You should’ve said something before this,” he broke in.
“Why?” she flared. “So you could be angry with me sooner?”
“I’m not angry.”
“You’re not exactly overjoyed, either.”
“You’re right,” he answered crossly, “I’m not. Can you blame me?”
“No.” The word was a strangled whisper. Her chin came up and tears brimmed in her eyes, ready to spill down her ashen cheeks. Her lower lip started to tremble, and Paul felt a knife twist in his heart.
She was so vulnerable, sitting there, pale and beautiful, bleeding from the wounds his fear had inflicted. He knelt in front of her and clasped her hands in his own. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes. “I’m sorry, Leah. I didn’t mean to upset you. Whatever happens, we’ll deal with it together. All right?”
She nodded.
The doorbell chimed in the distance, and Paul knew it was the babysitter. “Are you ready?”
Once more Leah nodded. “I think so…I’m sorry, my timing’s incredibly bad—I shouldn’t have mentioned it tonight. It just sort of…slipped out.”
Paul kissed her temple and placed his hand on her shoulder. “We’ll talk about it later. For now, let’s put it aside and enjoy our dinner. Agreed?”
She gave him a watery smile and nodded.
Leah didn’t know how she was going to survive dinner with Paul’s family.
She desperately wished she hadn’t told Paul she might be pregnant. She’d been conscious of the possibility for the past few days, so she’d already gone through the full spectrum of emotions. It hadn’t been fair to hit Paul with the news so unexpectedly—just before a dinner party, of all things.
The moment the thought of pregnancy occurred to her, Leah’s immediate reaction had been sheer joy. She’d been standing in front of the kitchen calendar when the realization suddenly struck her. It didn’t seem possible. So soon? They hadn’t made love all that often yet, but it seemed the most logical explanation for why she was late.
Her timing wasn’t exactly spectacular—they’d only been married a few weeks—but Leah was thrilled. She loved Paul and the thought of having his baby, their baby, had filled her with excitement.
She’d been fearful, too. But not because of her sister. Diane’s death had come about through a rare series of events. The likelihood that it might happen again was so slim it didn’t warrant consideration. What did concern her were the demands of another child. She loved Kelsey and the twins, but by the end of the day she was exhausted. She was worried, too, about how the children would feel about another sibling.
But her biggest fear of all had been Paul’s reaction. For that reason alone, she hadn’t intended to mention anything to him until she was certain. She certainly hadn’t intended to blurt it out the way she had. Perhaps she was hoping, praying, that he’d share some of her happiness.
Only Paul hadn’t been happy. He’d been upset. Then regretful. She could understand and forgive his reaction; nevertheless it hurt. In fact, the pain went so deep, Leah didn’t know how she was going to sit through dinner and smile.
“How often have you been late before?” Paul asked when they were in the car.
“Not often, and never more than a few days…that I can remember.”
His hands tightened on the steering wheel until his knuckles went white. “I was afraid of that.”
“I…thought you said we shouldn’t worry about it now.”
He sighed. “You’re right, but I don’t know if I can stop thinking about it.”
Leah waited a moment, her heart aching. “Would it be so terrible?”
“Yes.” His response was immediate. Harsh.
Leah’s throat constricted. She turned her head and looked out the side window, wondering how she was going to keep from crying. It wouldn’t hurt nearly as much if she didn’t know how Paul had reacted when Diane told him she was pregnant with the twins, or when they’d learned she was going to have Kelsey. Paul had been delighted. Exubera
nt. He’d been so excited they’d celebrated for weeks. Diane had claimed Paul loved her the most when she was pregnant. He was gentle and romantic.
With Diane.
With Leah he was angry and disappointed.
Unexpectedly Paul reached for her hand, gripping it tightly. “Don’t worry, we’ll get through this.”
“I’m not the one who’s worried.”
From the corner of her eye, Leah watched as Paul frowned darkly. “Maybe you should be.”
“Why?”
“Why?” he exploded. “You just don’t get it, do you? Look what happened to Diane when she had Kelsey. Do you honestly think I want to lose you?”
“A pregnancy isn’t going to kill me.”
“I don’t want to chance it,” he said firmly, leaving no room for discussion.
“Unfortunately, we may not have the option.”
His lips tightened. “Do you mind if we deal with this some other time? We’re nearly at the restaurant.”
“All right,” she whispered, managing by some miracle to hold the tears at bay.
When they arrived, Jason was sitting in the restaurant foyer waiting for them. Leah could’ve sworn it was the first time she’d seen Paul’s brother without a baseball cap on his head. He was tall and good-looking, his eyes the same intense shade of blue as Paul’s. He stood, smiling, when they entered the restaurant.
“Glad you two made it,” Jason said. “Rich and Jamie will be here any minute.”
Paul’s smile lacked friendliness. He didn’t respond to Jason’s remark; instead, he buried his hands in his pockets and stared across the linen-covered tables at the view of Lake Union.
“So, Leah,” Jason said, apparently willing to try again, “how’s married life treating you?”
“Fine.” There was no need to exaggerate.
Jason hesitated. “I’m pleased to hear it.”
Leah, too, focused her gaze on the distance. The ability to make small talk had deserted her completely.
“Jamie made reservations,” Jason announced. “Why don’t we wait for them at our table? We might as well relax and enjoy the view.”