He leaned his forehead against hers, and his voice grew rougher. “It was when you thought you might be pregnant that I understood how much I loved you.”
Paul’s arms came around her then. “I was confronted with my greatest fear. Losing the woman I loved. Now, looking back, I realize how badly I behaved, how much my attitude hurt you. I’m sorry for that, sorrier than you’ll ever know.”
“You were so angry.”
“But never with you. If I blamed anyone, it was myself. At the same time, I recognized how much I loved you—and how much I loved Diane. I didn’t know it was possible to love two women so deeply—and then it came to me—I didn’t.”
Was this what he’d realized when he talked to his brother? Leah wondered. Her heart started to pound louder and louder.
“Friday night…”
She pulled her hands free from his and lowered her eyes. Their lovemaking the night before had moved her in a way that went beyond sensual excitement or gratification. Paul had held her in his arms afterward, teased her, laughed with her. He’d made her feel more wanted and loved in one evening than she’d felt in her entire life. She’d gone to sleep content, basking in the joy she’d experienced. A joy that exceeded anything she’d ever hoped to feel.
Then she’d woken to the sound of another woman’s name on her husband’s lips.
“That night,” Paul continued, “was indescribable. Yes, the lovemaking was great, but it always is. You went to sleep in my arms, and as I lay there I realized what was different, what had changed.” He tucked his finger under her chin and raised her face until her eyes locked with his. “On Friday night I released Diane. I let go of her and stepped out of yesterday and into today, tomorrow—my life with you.”
“But…you called me Diane.”
“I had a dream,” Paul said, his words heavy with regret. “I can’t explain it, but…in my dream Diane was there. I can’t remember exactly what happened, just bits and pieces of it.”
Breathless, Leah stared at him.
“Jason thinks my subconscious had something to do with it,” he went on. “He thinks Diane was releasing me, too. I don’t know if any of this makes sense to you. But I’m at peace with her death, at peace with myself. It didn’t come easy, but…” He seemed to be waiting for a reaction from her.
“Diane came to me in a dream once, too,” Leah said in a whisper. It was the first time she’d ever told anyone about that experience. “It was the night she died. I was exhausted and I was sure my mind was playing tricks on me. She looked so happy. I couldn’t understand it. She was standing under a tree with wildflowers all around her.”
“What kind of flowers?”
His question seemed odd to Leah. “I’m not sure, except she was holding a—”
“A daisy.”
“Yes.” Her eyes widened with surprise. “How’d you know?”
“In my dream she stood under a tree. I remember that much now. She seemed so happy, plucking the petals from a yellow daisy.”
“Yes!” Leah flattened her hand over her heart. “Yes,” she repeated. “There was a light, too.”
“A brilliant light.”
Leah nodded again.
“What did she say?” Paul asked her.
“She told me she was going away. I tried to argue with her, tried to make her stay, but she didn’t have time to listen to me. She said she’d had to get us away from the hospital because we were holding her back. And then…then she explained that she hadn’t wanted to go away in the beginning, but had come to understand it would be all right to leave. She…she asked me if I’d take her place.”
“Take her place?”
Leah nodded. “I didn’t understand what she meant, but I didn’t question her, either. She looked right at me. I’d never been able to refuse Diane anything, so I promised her I would.”
Paul was silent for a moment. “I don’t remember what she said to me, but I think Jason might be right. I think she came to say goodbye.”
They grew silent, each lost in the memory of the one they’d loved so much.
“It was because of the dream that I eventually decided to live here, in your house, but I never intended to fall in love with you,” Leah confessed. “You talked about feeling guilty and being trapped between the past and the present—that’s how I felt, too. I was afraid to love you, fighting it, but at the same time I’d never been happier, or more fulfilled.”
She didn’t know how to put into words everything that was in her heart. How could she explain that she belonged to him in ways she didn’t even belong to herself?
“You felt guilty?”
Leah grinned sheepishly. “When I left today, I…I went for a drive and ended up at the cemetery. I hadn’t been there since the funeral. I wasn’t sure where her grave was, and it took me a long time to find it. When I did I just stood there, not knowing what to say, but knowing I had to say something.”
“I haven’t been there in weeks.” Paul’s voice was low, incredulous, as if he’d just realized it. “I guess the need to talk to her left me after we got married.”
Leah went on. “I told her how well the twins and Kelsey were doing, and then I got angry. I so seldom raise my voice that I think I frightened myself. I hated what was happening to me. Hated competing with her when I’d never wanted to compete before. For the first time in my life, I wanted something she had, and I didn’t know how to handle it.”
“Oh, Leah…” His thumb caressed her cheek. Leah closed her eyes, loving the glorious feel of his skin touching hers.
“I asked her if this was what she wanted—for me to love you. Because it was killing me—loving you, when you loved her. I was jealous, and I’d never been before, not once in all the years we grew up together.”
Paul pulled her toward him, adjusting their positions so she was cradled in his arms, her head on his chest.
“Did you receive any answers?”
“Yes.” She smiled, a smile that radiated out from her heart. “I was standing there, weeping, knowing I was asking the impossible, demanding an answer when there was none to be had. Only…there was.”
“But how…what answer?”
“It’d been raining most of the morning. The sky was dark and overcast.”
“Yes,” Paul concurred.
“As I was standing there, the sun broke through the clouds. I watched as the sky parted and this brilliant stream of light shot down.” Leah wasn’t sure whether she should continue, whether Paul would believe her or not. The sun parting the sky wasn’t a spectacular miracle; it was an everyday phenomenon. An everyday kind of miracle.
“I had my answer,” Leah whispered, close to tears. “You and the children are Diane’s gift to me. She gave me what she loved most—you four. She knows me so well. All along she realized I was going to fall in love with you. It’s what she wanted.”
“She knew I’d love you, too,” Paul added. “That we’d both fight it because of our loyalty to her, and yet, if she’d been able, she would’ve told us our love was by design. Her design.”
“She loved us both so much.”
“Loves,” Paul corrected softly, tightening his embrace. “I don’t think that’ll ever change.” He was still holding her when Leah sensed they were no longer alone.
Slowly she opened her eyes and glanced at the hallway. Ryan stood there, rubbing his eyes. As she watched the child—her child—her heart seemed to expand with all the love she felt.
“Did you sleep well, sweetheart?” she asked.
Ryan nodded. “Kindergartners are too old for naps.”
It was a point he argued loudly and often, and yet he fell asleep of his own accord every afternoon.
“I’m too old for naps, too,” Ronnie announced, appearing by his brother’s side and yawning widely. “Only babies go to bed in the daytime.”
“I’d like to be in bed right now,” Paul whispered in Leah’s ear. “You wouldn’t hear me complaining about taking a nap. If you were taking one wi
th me, that is.”
“Paul,” she chastised.
“Come here, boys,” Paul called his sons. They climbed onto their father’s lap as Leah got up to check on Kelsey. If the boys were awake, then their sister probably was, too.
Sure enough, she was standing in her crib, bouncing excitedly. She broke into a grin when she saw Leah.
“How’s my darling?” Leah asked. “How’s my darling baby girl?”
Kelsey raised her arms to Leah and delivered a sentence or two of happy gibberish.
Leah and Kelsey joined Paul and the boys, and the five of them sat together on the sofa—Paul holding the twins and Leah holding Kelsey. The five of them were truly a family, Leah realized. One formed in love. A gift she’d received from her sister.
Paul’s eyes met hers and he smiled.
Leah smiled, too. She felt his love—in his smile, his touch, the warm look in his eyes.
Love…It was more than she’d ever dared to dream. More than she’d ever thought to have.
Love had found a place for her.
ISBN: 978-1-4268-2000-7
THE MANNING BRIDES
Copyright © 2008 by MIRA Books.
The publisher acknowledges the copyright holder of the individual works as follows:
MARRIAGE OF INCONVENIENCE
Copyright © 1992 by Debbie Macomber.
STAND-IN WIFE
Copyright © 1992 by Debbie Macomber.
All rights reserved. Except for use in any review, the reproduction or utilization of this work in whole or in part in any form by any electronic, mechanical or other means, now known or hereafter invented, including xerography, photocopying and recording, or in any information storage or retrieval system, is forbidden without the written permission of the publisher, MIRA Books, 225 Duncan Mill Road, Don Mills, Ontario, Canada M3B 3K9.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events or locales is entirely coincidental.
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Debbie Macomber, The Manning Brides
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