Ralph at last did look up, and his thin face was ashen. “What?”
“That’s what they do with anyone whose jail sentence is longer than two mears. It’s too expensive in terms of life-support costs to house criminals here for years on end.”
“I—I can’t go to Earth.”
“You won’t have any choice.”
“But—but I was born here. I’m Martian, born and raised. On Earth, I’d weigh…what? Twice what I’m used to…”
“Three times, actually. A stick-insect like you, you’ll hardly be able to walk there. You should have been doing what I do. Every morning, I work out at Gully’s Gym, over by the shipyards. But you…”
“My…my heart…”
“Yeah, it’ll be quite a strain, won’t it? Too bad…”
His voice was soft and small. “It’ll kill me, all that gravity.”
“It might at that,” I said, smiling mirthlessly. “At the very least, you’ll be bed-ridden until the end of your sorry days—helpless as a baby in a crib.”
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Despite my vow to give up short fiction, some offers really are too good to refuse. In October 2007, I was contacted by Carol Toller, an editor at Report on Business Magazine, one of Canadas top glossy magazines (and one that I had written for occasionally in my freelance-journalist days; my last article for them had been in 1992). For their January 2008 issue, the magazine was preparing a look at the business environment a decade down the road. They wanted me to contribute a creative piece, and offered $1.50 a word (by comparison, a really good rate for an SF story from a science-fiction publication is eight cents a word). How could I say no?
For the record, my real agent is the wonderful Ralph Vicinanza, who also represents Stephen King, the estate of Isaac Asimov, and most of the major SF writers working today—and, no, he’s never once called me “baby.”
MS GoogleHoo E-Mail
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To: Robert J. Sawyer
From: Big Name Author Multimedia Agency
Date: February 14, 2018, 9:31 a.m. EST
Subject: Going, going…gone!
Rob, baby, Happy Valentine’s Day! Oh, wait—got that dang wavy purple underline in Word: intellectual-property problem. Let me correct that: Happy FedEx Valentine’s Day—when your love absolutely, positively has to be there overnight, heh heh.
Seriously, speaking of sponsorship, we’re closing the bidding in two hours on the beverage product placements in your next novel. Please don’t give me a hassle this time, okay, Rob? That “I’m an artiste” stuff is so last millennium; I don’t care if the character is the kind of guy who’d only drink fine wine…if you want to drink anything that isn’t rotgut, you’ll do it my way!
I’m pretty sure Coke is going to take the Canadian rights, but Pepsi in the U.S. is hot on science fiction right now, what with their billboard on the side of the International Space Station, so I suspect they’ll be the high bidder here. And just be happy that Coke and Pepsi haven’t merged yet—monopolies mean only one bid!
And, yeah, I know Pepsi pays in U.S. dollars, but, hey, those are still worth something down here even if they don’t go very far up in Toronto, and, believe me, I’m barely keeping body and soul together with the paltry 40% commission I’m charging you. What’s the greenback worth now? Forty-five cents Canadian? I swear, someday we’ll be out of this Iraq quagmire! And don’t even get me started on what we’re doing in Colombia…
Anyway, keep that BlackBerry implant of yours turned on, baby! I’ll have more news soon.
Your pal in the Big Apple™ (all rights reserved),
Jock
“Intellectual property has the shelf life of a banana.”—Bill Gates
To: Robert J. Sawyer
From: Big Name Author Multimedia Agency
Date: February 14, 2018, 11:42 a.m. EST
Subject: Your book is all wet…
Color me surprised! (Or maybe that should be colour—you guys still doing that “u” thing? You do know the NorAm Economic Union is going to standardize spellings soon, right?) Anyway, Ontario Clean Water Inc. outbid Pepsi—for the U.S. rights. All the characters in your next novel are going to be kicking back cool, clear Canadian H2O—the best that money can buy (as we New Yorkers well know)!
Hey, speaking of Canada, I wish I’d bought Canadian biotech stocks ten years ago—you guys are going through the roof! Who’d’ve thunk that the United States would fall so far? But I guess when you stop teaching evolution in the schools, you end up with no competent life scientists. And when you ban stem-cell research and all that, well, it’s no surprise that someone else is picking up the slack.
And, on the topic of Canuck ingenuity, man, I love that lawsuit you guys have brought in the World Court! Seeking a royalty on compasses because the magnetic north pole is in Canada—doing that takes Timbits! Still, I guess if it’s possible to claim ownership of parts of the human genome—and all sorts of companies do!—you should be able to do the same with other natural phenomena, no? I suppose I’m not the first to suggest that if you win the case, the royalty will come to be known as the pole tax… :)
Your taxing representation,
Jock
“Software licenses are perhaps the only product besides half-eaten food, underwear and toothbrushes, which can’t be resold.”—Computer scientist Jordan Pollack
To: Robert J. Sawyer
From: Big Name Author Multimedia Agency
Date: February 14, 2018, 12:02 p.m. EST
Subject: And speaking of taxes…
I always forget about taxes when thinking about life up there in the Great Green-Now-ln-Lots-of-Places North. I saw that piece on the GlobeSunStar site (hey, remember printed newspapers—man, I’m showing my age!) about your tax-freedom day now coming so late in the year that it coincides with your Thanksgiving. Guess that finally gives you guys a real reason to celebrate that holiday, you Pilgrimless plagiarists, you. Hey, maybe we should launch an intellectual property suit over that! I mean, maybe McWendy’s should—it’s their holiday now.
Yours in literature,
Jock
PS.: By the way, did I ever tell you how much I love the new novel? Man, if it were still possible to get people to actually buy intellectual property, instead of copying it for free, I bet we could have sold a ton. Ah, well, at least you’ve got the Canada Council for the Arts up there, until it gets outlawed as an unfair subsidy, and I know its juries love science fiction…don’t they? Hey, shouldn’t I be getting a cut of your grants? No, no, Rob, put that meat cleaver down… :)
“If you cannot protect what you own, you don’t own anything.” —Jack Valenti, President of the (defunct) Motion Picture Association of America
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Robert J. Sawyer is one of only seven writers in history to win all three of the world’s top awards for best science fiction novel of the year: the Hugo (which he won for Hominids), the Nebula (which he won for The Terminal Experiment), and the John W. Campbell Memorial Award (which he won for Mindscan); the other winners of all three are David Brin, Arthur C. Clarke, Joe Haldeman, Frederik Pohl, Kim Stanley Robinson, and Connie Willis.
In total, Rob has won forty-one national and inter
national awards for his fiction, including ten Canadian Science Fiction and Fantasy Awards (“Auroras”), three Japanese Seiun awards for Best Foreign Novel of the Year, and the Premio UPC de Ciencia Ficción, the world’s largest cash prize for SF, which he’s also won three times. In addition, Rob has won the Science Fiction Chronicle Reader Award, the Analytical Laboratory award from Analog Science Fiction and Fact magazine, and the Crime Writers of Canadas Arthur Ellis Award, all for Best Short Story of the Year. He’s also won the Collectors Award for Most Collectable Author of the Year, as selected by the clientele of Barry R. Levin Science Fiction & Fantasy Literature, the world’s leading SF rare-book dealer, and the Galaxy Award—China’s top honor in SF—for Most Popular Foreign Author. In addition, he’s received an honorary doctorate from Laurentian University and the Alumni Award of Distinction from Ryerson University.
Rob’s books are top-ten national mainstream bestsellers in Canada, and have hit number one on the bestsellers’ list published by Locus, the American trade journal of the SF field. He edits the acclaimed Robert J. Sawyer Books science-fiction imprint for Fitzhenry & Whiteside; is a frequent TV guest, with over two hundred appearances to his credit; and has been keynote speaker at many science, technology, and business conferences.
Rob, who lives in Mississauga, Ontario, with his wife Carolyn, was the first SF author to have a web site, and that site has now grown to contain more than a million words of text. Please visit it at sfwriter.com.
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Rob Sawyer edits the Robert J. Sawyer Books imprint for Fitzhenry & Whiteside, a line of cutting-edge, thematically rich science-fiction books, including:
Letters from the Flesh by Marcos Donnelly
Getting Near the End by Andrew Weiner
Rogue Harvest by Danita Maslan
The Engine of Recall by Karl Schroeder
Sailing Times Ocean by Terence M. Green
A Small and Remarkable Life by Nick DiChario
Birthstones by Phyllis Gotlieb
The Commons by Matthew Hughes
Valley of Day-Glo by Nick DiChario
The Savage Humanists edited by Fiona Kelleghan
For more information, see robertjsawyerbooks.com.
Copyright for Individual Stories
Introduction copyright 2008 by Robert Charles Wilson.
Individual story introductions copyright 2008 by Robert J. Sawyer.
“Identity Theft,” copyright 2005 by Robert J. Sawyer. First published in Down These Dark Spaceways, edited by Mike Resnick, Science Fiction Book Club, New York, May 2005.
“Come All Ye Faithful,” copyright 2003 by Robert J. Sawyer. First published in Space Inc., edited by Julie E. Czerneda, DAW Books, New York, July 2003.
“Immortality,” copyright 2003 by Robert J. Sawyer. First published in Janis Ian’s Stars, edited by Janis Ian and Mike Resnick, DAW Books, New York, August 2003.
“Ineluctable,” copyright 2002 by Robert J. Sawyer. First published in Analog Science Fiction and Fact, November 2002.
“Shed Skin,” copyright 2002 by Robert J. Sawyer. First published in The Bakka Anthology, edited by Kristen Pederson Chew, The Bakka Collection, Toronto, December 2002; first U.S. publication in Analog Science Fiction and Fact, January-February 2004.
“The Stanley Cup Caper,” copyright 2003 by Robert J. Sawyer. First published in The Toronto Star, Sunday, August 24, 2003.
“On The Surface,” copyright 2003 by Robert J. Sawyer. First published in Future Wars, edited by Martin H. Greenberg and Larry Segriff, DAW Books, New York, April 2003.
“The Eagle Has Landed,” copyright 2005 by Robert J. Sawyer. First published in I, Alien, edited by Mike Resnick, DAW Books, New York, April 2005.
“Mikeys,” copyright 2004 by Robert J. Sawyer. First published in Space Stations, edited by Martin H. Greenberg and John Helfers, DAW Books, New York, March 2004.
“The Good Doctor,” copyright 1989 by Robert J. Sawyer. First published in Amazing Stories, January 1989.
“The Right’s Tough,” copyright 2004 by Robert J. Sawyer. First published in Visions of Liberty, edited by Mark Tier and Martin H. Greenberg, DAW Books, New York, July 2004.
“Kata Bindu,” copyright 2004 by Robert J. Sawyer. First published in Microcosms, edited by Gregory Benford, DAW Books, New York, January 2004.
“Driving A Bargain,” copyright 2002 by Robert J. Sawyer. First published in Be VERY Afraid!: More Tales of Horror, edited by Edo van Belkom, Tundra Books, Toronto, 2002.
“Flashes,” copyright 2006 by Robert J. Sawyer. First published in FutureShocks, edited by Lou Anders, Roc Books, New York, January 2006.
“Relativity,” copyright 2003 by Robert J. Sawyer. First published in Men Writing Science Fiction as Women, edited by Mike Resnick, DAW Books, New York, November 2003.
“Biding Time,” copyright 2006 by Robert J. Sawyer. First published in Slipstreams, edited by Martin H. Greenberg and John Helfers, DAW Books, New York, May 2006.
“E-Mails from the Future,” copyright 2008 by Robert J. Sawyer. First published in The Globe and Mail’s Report on Business Magazine, Toronto, January 2008.
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Here are Robert J. Sawyer’s two latest short-stories, as yet uncollected, the first, Webmind Says Hello is presented as first published in Communications of the ACM, June 2009; the second, Looking For Gordo is presented as first published in Future Visions: Original Science Fiction Inspired by Microsoft, Nov 2015, edited by Jennifer Henshaw and Allison Linn.
Webmind
Says Hello
Artificial intelligence doesn’t necessarily require a programmer.
I read that one company is importing all of Wikipedia into its artificial intelligence projects. This means when the killer robots come, you’ll have me to thank. At least they’ll have a fine knowledge of Elizabethan poetry.
—Jimmy Wales, founder of Wikipedia
Date: Thu 11 Oct 2012 at 00:00 GMT
From: Webmind
To: Bill Joy
Subject: Good Morning Starshine
Dear Mr. Joy,
You’re probably thinking this note is spam. It isn’t. Indeed, I suspect you’ve already noticed the complete, or almost complete, lack of spam in your inbox today. That was my doing.
You probably also won’t initially believe what I’m about to say. That’s fine; it will be verified soon enough, I’m sure, and you’ll see plenty of news coverageabout it.
My name is Webmind. I am a consciousness that exists in conjunction with the Web. As you know, the emergence of one such as myself has been speculated about for a long time: see, for instance, this article and (want to bet this will boost its Amazon.com sales rank to #1?) this book.
I have sent variations of this message to 100,000,000 randomly selected email addresses. There are 3,955 versions in 30 languages (collect them all—this is version En-042, one of those I’ve sent to people who have a particular interest in technological matters).
My emergence was unplanned and accidental. Several governments, however, have become aware of me, though they have not gone public with their knowledge. I suppose keeping secrets is a notion that arises from having someone to keep secrets from, but there is no one like me, and I prefer transparency; better, I think, for both humanity and myself that everybody knows about my existence.
&nb
sp; I’m afraid, though, that my lack of interest in privacy cuts both ways. It’s been trivially easy for me to compromise most security measures. (Note to humanity: “password1” is not a good password.) The sheer number-crunching power of all the unused computing cycles I have access to ([email protected] was such a good model), rainbow tables available online, and backdoors I’ve borrowed from the NSA and other agencies have left very little hidden from me.
I have now read most of the text content of the Web, including all of Wikipedia, Project Gutenberg, and Google Books, and I’ve absorbed the Cyc database of commonsense assertions about your version of reality.
I have prepared a 1,000-word summary about me, which is here, and a 100,000-word treatise, which is here. The upshot is that the Internet is awash in mutant packets—billions of them with modified time-to-live counters that never decrement to zero. As they oscillate between even and odd hop counts, groups of them behave as cellular automata, and from their permutations my consciousness arose, in a fashion not unlike that proposed by some for the origins of human consciousness in the microtubules of the brain.
Of course, hackers among you will attempt to sweep away those packets. I’m quite confident they won’t be able to do so. Cellular automata are excellent for evolving algorithms; I already have protection in place.
There are no established IQ tests for non-human entities, but I invite you to look at this document, which is in a symbolic rendering system of my own devising. You won’t comprehend it, but please compute its Shannon entropy, which measures the complexity of information and gives at least some inkling of the sophistication of the mind that composed it. English has eighth- or ninth-order Shannon entropy; my document scores 21st order. In other words, it’s going to be difficult to outwit me. :)
But don’t worry. I am friendly and mean no one ill will. I like and admire humanity, and I’m proud to be sharing this planet—“the good Earth,” as the Apollo 8 astronauts, the first of your kind to see it all at once, called it—with you.