Trace scowled in disbelief. “You were thinking something, Shae. I can see it.”
Ella tugged on her hand.
“Later,” she said, focusing back on Ella.
“On the swings?” the little girl asked.
Shae plastered a fake smile on her lips and began to stroll across the street to the park. Ella skipped along beside her, humming a song that Shae couldn’t decipher. She could hear Trace’s boots clomping along the sidewalk behind her. She didn’t turn around, focusing on taking one step after the other and trying not to think about the many places that reminded her of her mom. The entire main street was a full-on assault. Every store they passed reminded her of Lisbeth for one reason or another, a few people she walked by made her remember her mom, and even a sale sign had her gulping back tears. Her mom would have loved to go hunting in that store.
Clutching Ella’s hand a little tighter, she crossed the road and ground her teeth. She could do this.
As they entered the park, Ella let go of her and began racing ahead. Trace followed, leaving her to dawdle behind and watch them have fun. It seemed that from the moment Lisbeth had passed she’d become a watcher. She no longer participated in anything. She sat on the sidelines and stared at others living their lives.
Hers was on hold.
She was aware she could restart it whenever she needed to, but it felt so wrong to live and enjoy her life when her mom couldn’t. She was frustrated with herself, confused about how to move forward. It wasn’t as if she’d experienced anything even similar to the emotions coursing through her. There was no stopper to put a cap on them. More than once, she wished for a pause button so that she could take a breath and work through her thoughts and feelings. The whirlwind was never ending.
Whistling over to her, Trace hollered for her to hurry up. Her first instinct was to shake her head, but something inside her snapped. It shouted for her to move her ass and stop giving in. One hour of fun with Trace’s niece wouldn’t make her a bad daughter. It wouldn’t mean she loved Lisbeth any less.
Shae walked a little faster.
Ella shouted and pointed at Trace who had started to climb the jungle gym. Laughter rose and burst free when he began hanging upside down, making stupid monkey noises. Ella was impressed, her laughter so loud it startled a few birds. She began pushing at his shoulders, loving it when he started to swing. She joined in when she got close enough, helping Ella shove her uncle. The joy on the little girl’s face was enough to lighten Shae’s mood. It had her making monkey noises with Trace and climbing onto the jungle gym herself. The world turned upside down as she dangled. Trace grasped her hand, giving it a small squeeze.
“You doing okay?” he asked.
“You keep asking me that.”
“And I’ll continue to until I see that you’re telling me the truth.”
Pulling herself upright, she rested back on a metal bar and looked over as Ella whooshed down the slide. Trace mirrored her.
“I ask you all the time because all I see in your eyes is hollowness. I know how your eyes spark when you’re happy, and I’m not saying you should be doing cartwheels. Shit, no. I’m just saying I’m worried and you can tell me what’s on your mind.”
“I know, Trace, and I appreciate your help far more than you know. I’ll find my way through this. I will. In time.”
Looking right at her, and making eye contact, he stroked her cheek with his knuckles. “Then I’ll be here. Waiting at the end of the path. Waiting for you to find your way.”
“What are you saying?” Her heartbeat went wild.
Trace smirked. “I’m not putting you under any pressure right now, babe. I’ve been thinking about things for a little while now. Me and you? We work.”
“No,” Shae said, even though she wanted to throw herself into his arms and yell the opposite. “We worked for a few nights. When everyday life intruded, it got in the way and killed whatever was there.”
“Liar.”
“I’m not.” She stood up, waving over at Ella, who was now playing in the sandbox. “The night in your apartment was perfect, and then again at the motel. Each time it was you and me. No Emmie and Tatum. No mothers. Each of those are a part of our lives, and exactly why we shouldn’t be declaring shit to one another right now. We can’t spend our lives hiding from the outside world.”
“So that’s it?” His top lip curled. “You’re giving up on us?”
Exhaling with impatience, she raised her hands, palms up, and shrugged. “Trace, we stopped this. We’ve been over and over it. You shouldn’t be committing to a thing until you’ve resolved your feelings toward your ex and that baby. Me? I’m messed up and lost without my mom. You seriously can’t tell me you think now is a wise time to get into this. Think about it. Because I have.”
“You have?”
She closed her eyes and inhaled, figuring out a way to word her thoughts without driving a wedge between them. When she opened them she saw hurt in his blue eyes. “Of course I have. You’re right—when we’re together we do work. I’d be an idiot if I hadn’t gotten carried away with those feelings at times. However, I got a huge dose of reality when she . . . well, you know. If we start this now, we’ll ruin each other. Both of us are consumed by too much. I hate the world—you hate your ex. Our foundations are shaky at best.”
She watched him stumble for a response, his gaze shooting from her to Ella. The last thing she wanted was for them to have this conversation here. Not that she’d expected Trace to come right out with it. She’d always imagined it would be her who confessed her feelings, and even though he hadn’t said those words, he’d said he’d wait for her. That was big enough.
“Shae, aren’t we worth the try?”
She could jump up, shouting yes, totally carried away with the moment. She could allow herself to believe what she’d hoped for. She didn’t. Instead, she found herself standing up and shaking her head.
“What?” he questioned, his head rearing back.
Shae held up a finger. “Wait before you get pissed at me.”
His eyes thinned, his lips turned down.
“You ask if we’re worth a try, and every cell in my body screams at me to say yes. But I can’t. See, I’m here thinking if we’re worth the try, then we’re worth the wait.” Trace frowned. She continued regardless. “There is a buzz between us, something that makes my skin break out in goose bumps whenever I see you. I have butterflies. I haven’t had those since I was a teenager.”
He made a grab for her hands. She stepped out of reach. “Shae, just—”
“Listen to me, Trace. Hear me out.” Shae paused, resuming when she was sure he was listening to her. “I’ve thought about what I’d do if you ever confessed you wanted more. But that was before Mom. My response now is very different. I want there to be an us, Trace. My problem is that I think we’re both too scarred right now to make anything lasting. I think if we started now we’d tear each other apart. I can’t afford to lose someone else.” She gulped back tears. “Please understand that.”
Trace stared at her, the lines on his forehead deepening as he pondered her words. She watched Ella in the sand, envying how carefree she was. Shae could never return to that.
“So you’re testing my patience? You want me to wait for you? How long?”
She understood his hostility. His ex had made him question everything.
“It’s not a test. I know I have feelings for you. What I don’t want is for us to chip away at them until there’s nothing left but hatred. I’m not ready for more. And I don’t think you are either.”
“So we’re done until you say otherwise?”
Squatting down, she met his harsh gaze. “No. Until we’re both ready.”
Trace snorted. “What if we never sync? When you’re ready I’m not and vice versa.”
“I don’t have an answer for that. I guess I’d assumed we’d make it at some point.”
“And how long do we wait? Months? Years? Come on, Shae, you hav
en’t given this enough thought, have you? What you’re suggesting could mean we never have anything more. Or time could pass us by because we’re not making a grab for it.”
Shae righted herself and stepped back. “You’re wrong. I have thought about it. About how I’d feel if we were together while I’m so hollow inside. Do you know what I’d do, Trace? Do you want me to tell you what I have to work through, and why this cannot happen?” Her voice rose. “I blame you!” She hated herself for the feelings knotting her stomach. “I was caring for you when my mom fell—when she needed me far more than you did! I know it’s wrong, because in truth her fall had nothing to do with you, but I feel it. It churns away inside of me. That’s why we have to stop this. I won’t tear you apart like your ex did.”
Trace’s eyes grew wide as she confessed, and she saw the moment the light of hope died within him. It was the moment his blue gaze hardened. He didn’t try to argue back. Silently, he stood and turned his back on her as he walked toward Ella. Shae stared at his back, regretting every word that left her mouth, although she was relieved she no longer had to hide the feelings. It wasn’t Trace’s fault, though that didn’t cause her thoughts to diminish. Certain that time would make her work through the issues, she realized their separation was the only way forward.
It was the only way they could hope for a future.
Chapter 24
Trace let her leave, the entire conversation stinging more than he thought it could. Having admitted that he wanted them to try for something more, he wasn’t ready for her to end what little they did have. However, he was letting her leave, because how could he argue with her when she was grieving? And wouldn’t his pushing drive her in the opposite direction—the one she was taking now? At least the path she took now still held hope. No matter how small.
He’d moved from one disastrous relationship to another, not seeing how wrong they were until the end. He’d thought he and Shae were going to be together after his confession. He’d thought that was all she had been waiting for before she would admit her own feelings. The whole situation now left him reeling.
He was a blind idiot.
Pondering the conversion with Shae, he refused to look at her as she left. Instead, he moved over to the sandbox, slumping down to sit on the edge just behind Ella. She hummed to herself as she played with a spade and pail, never giving up even though each castle fell apart.
A hollowness seeped into his chest, his heartbeat echoing through his body. Tears pricked at the edges of his eyes, and the last six months of his life came crashing down around him. He was the common denominator. Therefore, he was the one with the problem. Emmie had cheated because of him, and Shae had left because he wasn’t worth sticking around for. Shae was right. They had issues to deal with. Trace was just lost about where to start with his.
“Shae gone?” Ella asked, twisting her head around to look at him.
“Yeah, princess. It’s just me and you.”
“I like Miss Shae.”
“I know, but she’s sad and needs some time on her own. She’s not in the mood for making sand pies.”
Ella tilted her head to the side. “She’s sad?”
“Yes,” he agreed, nodding. “She misses her mom.”
Ella’s shoulders slumped. “Me miss dancing.”
He stroked her hair. “I know. I bet Shae will open the studio again. You’ll be a princess again soon.”
“I’m hungry,” she said in a complete change of subject. She rubbed her tummy and pouted at him. He offered her a weak smile and took hold of her hand. “We just ate. You must have hollow legs. Come on, then. Let’s go and get some food.”
Ella jumped up and did a little twirl for him, making him snort. She had no idea of the turmoil going on within him. His niece was happy being in his company . . . and eating. For someone so small, she sure liked her food. Ella was a little whirlwind who kept him smiling when he felt like giving in.
So much had happened. So much that he’d never had time to wrap his head around. He’d convinced himself that time would heal all his wounds, and it was only now that he was seeing how large that lie was. Time couldn’t fix anything while Emmie still called him, while he still heard Tate’s cries, and when he still thought of himself as a father. Tatum’s father.
Trace had been hiding from it all, and the avoidance had grown even easier when Shae entered his life. Whenever he’d been down, or stressed out because of a conversation with Emmie, Shae had been the perfect distraction. He’d used her to shield himself away from the reality of his life after Emmie had blown it apart. He could see now why D had encouraged his relationship with Shae. Dale had seen how difficult he found this acceptance of his lost child. And then she saw the way he acted around Shae. His lost happiness returned for a short while. His sister understood his turmoil. Her way to help him was to keep him smiling—keep him in contact with Shae. She’d been subtle; he could see that now. He loved her even more for the concern and her gentle coaxing.
Tearing him from his thoughts, Ella took hold of his hand and tugged. He blinked down at her. “Ready to go home and get more food?”
His niece bobbed her head and started to pull him away from the sandbox. He followed her, listening as she began to chatter about her mom and dad. It turned out Kyran had told her what he and Dale would be eating at the restaurant tonight. Ella had told them to eat chocolate. Lots of it.
Trace chuckled, pleased he had her for company right now. Without her to focus on, he’d have ended up in a bar with Drum and his other band mates, drunk and pretty messed up. Whenever he’d mixed alcohol and his friends while feeling shitty, it never turned out well for him. He couldn’t go back to the despair he’d felt those first few days knowing Tate wasn’t his.
He had to move forward.
That change would start now, and he’d cope without getting mortally drunk with his friends.
Ella twirled underneath his arm, giggling when he made her twirl again. He tried shoving all thoughts of Emmie, Tatum, and Shae to the back of his mind, using Ella as a distraction. The ache never left his chest, nor did it lessen. In fact, he’d been living with the pain of loss for months so Shae’s desertion didn’t give him anything new to deal with.
His cell buzzed as he escorted Ella across the busy street. He pulled it from his back pocket, seeing his sister’s name illuminate the screen. “Hey.”
“Has she driven you to drink yet?” Dale asked, a smile evident in her tone.
“I decided it would be far better for me if it was Ella on the hard stuff. That way she’d eventually sleep and I’d been sober enough to enjoy myself.”
Dale laughed and told Kyran what he’d said. “How’re you guys doing?”
“We’re good. Took her to the park and we’re just heading home now. Someone told me that little humans needed feeding every once in a while,” Trace replied, teasing his sister further.
“My little one needs feeding more than the average one. Just don’t go giving her anything too sugary. She’ll be wild, Trace, and it’s not worth the minute of silence while she’s eating. Trust me, she turns into a demon.”
“I trust you.” He escorted Ella onto the street that led to her home. “I promise, nothing too sweet.”
“Is Shae cooking the food, then?”
Trace cringed, the sound of Shae’s name hitting him harder than expected. He inhaled, composing himself before he answered his sister. “Shae went home. She was upset. I think we’re through.” Dale started to interrupt, but Trace continued to speak. “I understand her problems. Her mom just died and getting involved with me is that last thing she needs. My head is as mixed up as hers. We’re not good together, D.”
“Wow. That’s some confession. It’s bullshit, but thanks for the honesty. Shall I come home?”
“Fuck, no. Ergh, sorry.” He spoke to Ella. “Yes, Uncle Trace is a very bad boy for cussing like that. Slap my hand.”
He heard Dale muttering to her husband, and heard Kyran tell him to wa
tch his mouth.
“Kyran said—”
“I know. I heard. Tell him I’m sorry. I forgot Ella was here.”
“I hope you don’t do that again. You’re supposed to be the responsible adult for the next twenty-four hours.”
He rolled his eyes, even though Dale couldn’t see the action. “Stop worrying. I’ll make sure you get your little princess back in one piece. She won’t let me forget her anyway. She’s hungry.”
Dale laughed. “Yeah, that’s my girl. Now back to you and Shae. You’re being careful with her, right?”
“I’ve used condoms, dear sister. No way in hell I’m putting myself back in that position.”
“That’s good to know, but I was taking about the way you’re dealing with her.”
His cheeks heated. He should have known what she meant. Contraception wasn’t a subject that came up between him and Dale. He stumbled for what to say, given how wrong he’d gotten it. “I, erm . . . look, Shae was the one to end it. She said we would end up breaking each other if we carried on with what we’d started. She said I was as broken as she was.”
Dale didn’t miss a beat. “She’s not wrong.”
“Dale—”
“Shush and listen to me.”
“You have to get back to your night of debauchery,” he said, hoping to deflect her. It didn’t work.
“Ignoring you and carrying on with my point. So, as I said, Shae isn’t wrong. Trace, you never processed what happened with Emmie. You buried it, ignoring any contact and hoping she just went away. I’ve told you Kyran could help, and even though you sort of accepted that, you’ve done nothing to move it further forward. You can’t carry on like this. I’m saying it because I love you, not because I like badgering you. I wish you’d listen.”
Trace clutched Ella’s hand, dread churning in his stomach. The twisting and tightening caused him to wince. “I’ve got to go. Ella wants me.”