Clare thought about that for a second, then slowly nodded in agreement. She hadn’t really thought about it that way before. She knew that Rory could handle himself, but she was worried he would feel forced to help if she asked him. Casey was right though: Rory did what he wanted; no one could make him do anything.
Not even her.
Casey got up and grabbed her phone out of the bedroom, then called Rory. Clare watched in apprehension, sipping some more wine and pushing herself as far back into the couch as she could. She grabbed a blanket from the edge of the couch and wrapped it around her legs, feeling comforted at the tight hold. She took a few deep breaths and wiped at the tears under her eyes.
“He’s not answering his phone.” Casey frowned. “I’ll keep trying to call him, but in the meantime, the second bedroom is yours. I never bothered to replace my roommate when she moved out a few months ago, so why don’t you stay here for now?”
“Are you sure? I don’t want to put you out like that.”
“Clare, you’re staying here.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“And to think, I’m the baby here,” Casey teased her.
—
Rory rolled over onto his back in bed, staring at the clock on the nightstand. He was due to be at Legends soon to train Kane, which was the last thing he wanted to be doing right now. He rubbed a hand over his eyes and then stared up at the ceiling, wondering what the point of getting out of bed was.
Clare had left him. She was gone.
He loved her.
His chest felt heavy and empty all at the same time. His knee was throbbing as it did every morning, but he barely noticed it over the onslaught of hurt ripping through his heart. He had fallen for her. He wished he had figured it out sooner, but now that she was gone, he knew it without question.
Sitting up, he saw Ace sprawled out across the end of the bed, which was unusual since he always slept on the floor. He wondered if his dog could sense the hurt he was feeling and was being protective.
Tomorrow was Kane’s qualifying fight, so Rory swung his legs over the bed and proceeded to start his day. He gritted his teeth to try to breathe through the pain as his leg complained intensely under the pressure of his weight. He stared down at the knotted scar that sliced across his knee, remembering when Clare had kissed it.
Now that he looked back on it, that was probably the moment he fell in love with her. Her wholehearted acceptance of who he was had touched him deeply. But it was too late; she was gone, and his knee ached with a pain that vied with the pain in his heart. He decided right then and there that he was going to find some pills when he got to Legends. There was no point in trying to stay clean anymore.
Rory settled on a bowl of cereal for breakfast, feeding Ace at the same time. He got dressed in a black muscle shirt and some long, dark red gym shorts, then bundled up in a jacket for the quick yet cold walk in the late fall weather. Leashing Ace, he and the dog headed out together. Ten minutes later, they trudged through the front doors of the family gym.
“Morning, bro,” Kane greeted him with a nod.
Rory didn’t answer, ignoring him. He just didn’t want to deal with anyone right now. He didn’t want to talk.
“You look like shit. I’m guessing you didn’t find Clare?” Kane continued.
“What do you think, asshole?” Rory grumbled, passing his brother, who was standing outside the locker room doors. He went inside and put away his coat and Ace’s leash, the dog loose beside him, then rifled through several neighboring lockers. They were easy to get into when you had the master key to all of them.
Right now he needed one thing and one thing only, because there was no way he was going to get through the day without some help. He lucked out on the fifth locker, finding a bottle of hydrocodone pills in someone’s gym bag. He took out the whole bottle, gulping down two immediately dry, while ignoring the whining coming from Ace, standing next to him. He poured the rest of the bottle into a plastic sandwich bag before replacing the bottle in the gym bag. Rory stowed the bag in his pocket for later before he left the locker room.
When Rory emerged from the locker room, he found Kane staring him down, arms crossed over his chest.
“What’s wrong with you? I’m sure she’ll turn up. You need to relax,” Kane said, following Rory over to the rings with Ace.
“What the fuck do you know?”
“You’re so pleasant in the mornings—what’s going on?”
“Will you just drop it?” Rory bit back the desire to punch someone, anyone.
“Why answer all my questions with a question?”
Rory groaned in frustration. “Can we please just train?”
“You did it again.”
Rory felt something snap in him and he whirled around, his fist connecting with Kane’s jaw, hard. Ace started barking as Kane staggered back a few steps, gasping. Several members working out nearby turned to watch them.
“Shut up, Ace.” Rory motioned to the dog, who stopped barking at the command.
Seamus’s booming voice intervened. “What the hell is going on here?”
Rory turned toward the cage, again almost tripping over Ace, who seemed to be glued to his side. The dog was staring up at him intently, and Rory was getting aggravated. He had enough judgment in his life; he didn’t need it from the damn dog, too.
“Rory, what the fuck was that?” Kane yelled furiously, storming back toward him but stopping when he saw Ace’s protective stance.
“I’m not fucking doing this.”
“Outside, both of you. Now!” Seamus commanded, glancing around the gym at the audience that was beginning to form.
Rory and Kane glared at each other for a moment, not moving. Slowly, they both obeyed and headed toward the front of the gym, keeping a wide gap between them. Having left his jacket in the locker room, Rory was hit hard by the cold air when they stepped out front onto the sidewalk. Ace was beside him, warily watching Rory’s brother and father.
Kane glared at his brother as they stood apart from each other. “Are you drinking again?”
“I wish,” Rory grumbled, appreciating the pills in his pocket and wishing he could take more.
“What happened in there?” Seamus asked in concern.
“Your son is a fucking lunatic is what happened,” Kane retorted.
Rory said nothing. Seamus glowered at the two men, visibly frustrated, then pushed his hands through his thick salt-and-pepper hair.
“Kane, go inside. I want to talk to your brother.” Kane flung up his hands like he could care less and left the two of them alone.
Rory’s father spoke to him. “You’re using again, aren’t you?”
It was phrased as a question, but there was certainty in his voice. Guilt washed over Rory as he shoved his hands into his pockets uncomfortably, feeling the bag of pills beneath his fingertips.
“My knee is still fucked up,” Rory said weakly, knowing the excuse wouldn’t make a difference.
“Damn it, Rory. What happened? You stopped for a while, like at least the last few weeks. Am I wrong?” Seamus paced back and forth.
“I did.”
“Then why did you start again? The whole family was about to force you into rehab, but then we noticed you getting better. That girl was having a good influence on you—you were getting better.”
“It’s not that simple,” Rory mumbled, dropping his head again.
“It is that simple, son. You’re walking around here with a giant chip on your shoulder, like the world owes you something. That’s not how your mother and I raised you.” Seamus’s voice drifted from commanding to sorrowful as he talked.
“Dad, I’m fine.”
“Do you have anything on you right now?”
Rory realized too late that he had unconsciously put a protective hand over his pocket when his father asked him that. Seamus put his hand out, motioning for Rory to empty his pockets. Rory reluctantly reached a hand in and pulled out the sandwich bag, then dropped
it in his father’s hand.
“Shit,” a female voice behind them mumbled.
Another woman’s voice joined in. “What’s that?”
Both Rory and his father turned to find Casey and Clare staring at the interaction. Rory’s jaw dropped in shock. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He had honestly thought he would never see her again. She had left everything behind, including him.
“Rory, please tell me you’re not high right now.” Casey sounded so forlorn and heartbroken, causing another sweep of guilt to pass through him at the thought of disappointing one of the most important women in his life.
“Clare, you’re here,” he stuttered, baffled at what to say. This was less than the ideal way to see her again, handing a bag of pills to his father.
“Casey, I’m handling this,” Seamus told her.
“Rory, what’s going on? What do they mean?” Clare looked stricken; her face had lost what little color it first had. Her hand absently dropped to pet Ace, who had gone rushing over to her the moment her presence was known. Rory glared at him for a second. Traitor.
“I thought you left,” he said, as if it was a clear explanation.
“I’m staying at Casey’s. We tried calling you. I had to tell you something.” Clare’s eyes swept over him, filled with something he couldn’t identify.
Rory suddenly realized that he didn’t have his phone on him, having left it on his kitchen table last night. He hadn’t even bothered to check it again—since Clare didn’t have her phone with her, there was nothing he needed it for. At least that was what he had thought, but he was clearly wrong.
“So you started doing drugs?” Clare turned to his family for confirmation, clearly trying to figure out what was going on.
No one said anything, and Rory cringed as he saw the realization finally strike her. Shame swelled up in him, threatening to burst forth in a thousand excuses. He couldn’t take his eyes off her, having spent the last twelve hours thinking she was gone for good. He wanted to memorize everything about her, wanted to run over and wrap his arms around her, kiss her until he could taste nothing but her.
“It was never only alcohol, was it?” Clare asked.
He didn’t move; no one did.
“I can’t—I can’t do this.” She stumbled over her words, gawking between him and Casey. “You know I can’t. Not again—I can’t do it.”
Rory’s cousin just bit her lip nervously, glancing over at Rory with wide eyes. Clare backed up, then turned and briskly walked away from them. Ace whimpered. Rory moved to follow her, but Casey put her hands up and stepped in front of him.
“You have to let her go right now.”
“What? No, I just got her back!”
“Rory, stop. Let her go,” Seamus said, echoing similar advice before shoving the bag of pills into his pocket and heading back to the gym door. “We’ll talk about this tomorrow, son. Just go home for the day.” He walked inside, leaving Rory with Casey.
“I tried to call you a dozen times last night and this morning, Rory. Shit, this is such a mess. I mean, can you stop fucking everything up for once? You’re so much better than this. My cousin, my best friend—he is so much better than this, Rory.” Her eyes were teary as she spoke, which made him turn away. He couldn’t see her cry.
“I’m going to go check on her. Just go home, Rory.”
“What the fuck just happened? What is going on?” he said to no one in particular, as he found himself alone on the sidewalk.
He felt nauseous and confused. He wondered for a moment if this was what it felt like to lose your mind. Twelve hours had made his life unrecognizable; everyone he loved was angry with him.
Clare wasn’t gone, and yet she was.
He had lost her just as soon as he had found her.
Chapter 16
“He’s calling again.” Casey looked over at Clare expectantly, holding her phone up a few hours later.
“I can’t, please, I just can’t,” Clare told her, grabbing a pillow off the couch at Casey’s apartment and burying her face in it.
“All right, but we’re going to have to talk to him eventually. Well, you’re going to have to.”
“I know, and I will.” Clare dropped the pillow back down to her lap. “Be honest with me, Case. How long has he been using?”
“A while, but it’s really only been bad since the physical therapy from his injury ended.”
Clare studied her friend’s face as she talked, noting the sadness in her expression.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I thought you knew; most people do.”
“I knew he drank! How was I supposed to know it was more than that?” Clare was exasperated, and she wondered if she was foolish to think Casey was really her friend. She hated anything that had to do with drugs; she wouldn’t even take aspirin. Yet her boyfriend was an addict. Is he even my boyfriend?
This feels familiar. She closed her eyes in dread.
“Clare, I adore you, I really do, but it’s Rory. He’s like my brother—he’s been everything to me my whole life.” Casey’s normally sparkling blue eyes were dull and tortured.
Clare stood up from the couch and nodded, ambling over to the kitchen and lifting her coffee mug from under the coffeemaker, which just finished brewing. As she tossed in a little sugar and some creamer, she realized that of course Casey’s loyalties were to Rory, as they should be.
She wondered whether, if she still had a family, it would have been that way. There just seemed to be so much she didn’t understand about familial relationships; every day she spent with the Kavanagh family, she learned something new.
“I’m sorry, you’re right. I didn’t mean to put you between us like that,” Clare apologized as she brought her coffee back over to the couch where Casey was sitting with her knees tucked up against her chest.
“I know, but I do love you, girl. We’ve only known each other a couple months, but you know I’d help you if I could.”
“I know.” Clare smiled at her. “You do too much for me. You definitely got the short end of our friendship.”
Casey shook her head in disagreement, changing topics.
“We do still need to talk to Rory about Travis,” Casey reminded her after a quiet moment had passed between the women.
“No, we don’t,” Clare instructed her adamantly.
“Well, what do you plan to do, then?”
“Pretend none of this is happening and that I’m on a tropical beach?”
“I definitely like that better,”
“Who wouldn’t?” Clare smirked.
“In all seriousness, though, you’re going to stay here with me, right? Don’t just up and leave like you tried last night, Clare. Your ex will obviously find you anywhere you go, so why not stay someplace safe with people who care about you.”
“I know you’re right,” Clare agreed. “I’ll stay.”
“Good. And what about letting me talk to Seamus about it?”
Clare’s eyes went wide at the mention. “I don’t want to bother anyone with this. It’s bad enough that I’m uprooting your life.” Clare tried to sound firm and serious, but her voice quivered.
“You’re not uprooting anything, and we need to talk to someone about this. Listen, just take today and get some sleep. We were up half the night, and it’s not even noon yet.”
“I am really tired…”
“Exactly, and I guarantee you that even if Travis somehow figured out you came to stay with me, he certainly isn’t going to find where I live. This apartment is under my uncle’s name, along with half of Woodlawn. So get some sleep. I need to run errands anyway. Tomorrow morning we can talk about it again, okay?”
Clare just nodded, feeling the last few hours, or days, of turmoil catching up to her. Adrenaline had been helping for a while, with the assistance of coffee, but with the long work shift last night and then her late night talking to Casey, she was quickly beginning to remember how tired she was.
She knew that even after she went to sleep this afternoon, she wouldn’t feel rested afterward. She had been tossing and turning for weeks, not getting anything restful except for the nights she spent curled up in Rory’s arms. But that wasn’t an option right now.
She hated being afraid, having lived with it for so many years already. She had just started to remember what it was like not to be always looking over her shoulder. Now her greatest fear could show up any minute, and she had turned away one of the only people in the world who could help her.
She wondered if she had done the right thing, walking away from Rory like that. Biting her lip, she thought about all the times she had found Travis and his friends doing things a lot worse. And even worse, all the times that she had participated. She wondered what Rory would think if he knew her past, what her record held.
Rory was nothing like Travis, yet she had forgiven Travis again and again for all the illegal activity he had been involved in—most of which she had turned a blind eye to, as if not acknowledging that it meant it wasn’t happening. She had needed to believe him—after all, he was the only person she had back then.
She had looked the other way to protect herself. It’s all she had known to do; she needed a roof over her head and food on the table, and he had provided those things. He told her daily that she wasn’t smart enough to take care of herself or to live on her own, that she couldn’t live without him, and for over five years she had believed him.
Now she knew differently, and she wasn’t going to let any man drag her back into the life she used to lead. Clare realized that maybe that was why she had reacted so strongly to Rory’s pills—it had felt as though he was trying to force her back into that life. She refused to ever let that happen; she was never going to be that girl again, no matter what.
Certainly not for Travis.
But not for Rory, either.
—
Hearing Casey’s voicemail start to play once again, Rory hung up the phone. He tossed it onto his nightstand in aggravation, and dropped his body onto the bed, exhausted. He hadn’t slept well all night, and then he had been up early to train Kane, which he hadn’t even ended up doing. Groaning, he rolled over onto his back, wondering how he had made such a mess of everything in the span of only a few minutes this morning.