Although he wanted desperately to lose himself deep within her, he knew it was better this way. Even if it left him feeling empty. His fingers curled into the sheets. How desperately he wanted to be inside her. Deep within her.
“Alex.” Grace rolled over to her side, nestling next to him and resting her hand on his sweaty chest. Her body was warm, lovely, her breath a soft pant on the side of his neck. “I want…I want…”
“No, don’t say it.” He brushed away her hand and turned, planting his feet on the carpet.
“Alex.”
He stood, although his body still trembled, and jerked his trousers up, fumbling in his haste. If she said the words, he had a feeling he’d immediately relent. If he took Grace completely, he knew he’d lose whatever little soul he had left.
“But—”
“Don’t, Grace.” He turned and wrapped his fingers around her waist, helping her stand before him. While she wavered on her feet, he tightened her corset and fixed her bodice.
She swatted his touch away, like he was an annoying gnat. Alex sighed in exasperation. Didn’t she understand? He sure as hell couldn’t explain his feelings. He had to get away from her. Panic was slowly winding its way through his body in icy waves that took hold of any sense.
“I don’t understand,” she said, smoothing down her skirts.
Alex spun around, pacing to the windows. If only she knew how little he understood as well. He pushed open the pane, allowing a cool, spring breeze to waft inside.
“Alex?”
Steeling himself, he faced her. Grace’s hair was lopsided, her cheeks flushed, her lips swollen from his kisses. God, how could he look at her and not want her all over again? The woman had burrowed deep within his soul. She’d become a part of him, the only decent piece holding him together.
He started toward her. “Grace, we can’t do this. I won’t do this to you, not now, not here in this place.”
“Why?” Her lower lip quivered. “Am I not good enough? Am I not the kind of woman who…who inspires such passion you can’t help yourself?” There was a defiant look in her eyes. She was daring him to reject her.
Anger and fear swirled within him. Alex grabbed her hand and pressed it to his cock. “Even now I’m hardening for you.” He dropped her hand, gaining no pleasure from her shocked expression. “Blast it, don’t you understand? I’m not good enough for you.” He raked his hands through his hair. “We can never have a relationship. It’s ridiculous to dream.”
She slammed her fists into his chest, sending him stumbling backwards. “That’s nonsense! I’ve told you that I don’t care!”
He grabbed her wrists, holding her immobile. “But you will, some day.”
She jerked away from him, stepping back. Anger pulsed from her body, her feelings evident in the flush of her face and tremble of her being. “You’re ridiculous, Alex!” She scooped up the letters that lay forgotten upon the ground. “I’m offering you a life, but you’re too damn afraid to take it. Don’t you dare use me as an excuse.”
She grabbed her bonnet and without another glance back, she stormed across the room and tore open the door.
How he wanted to deny her accusations. How he wanted to escape with her.
But Alex merely closed his eyes and let her go because she was right, he was afraid.
Chapter 16
“Alex,” Gideon strolled boldly into the parlor, heading straight for the sideboard. “You know I care as little about your feelings as Ophelia does, but you’ve been brooding for two days, and frankly it’s become tiresome.” He poured himself a brandy and turned to watch him. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
A variety of things, although he’d die a slow, painful death before he’d admit that much. Alex frowned, pulled from his miserable thoughts. “I’m sorry, what do you mean?”
“I heard Ophelia mention you were ill and not seeing clients. You look hearty enough to me.”
What could he say? That he couldn’t even think of touching another woman. Gideon would know he lied and Ophelia would only buy his excuses for so long.
“You look even more pathetic than normal.” Gideon’s eyes narrowed. “Did someone hurt your fragile feelings?”
“Sod off,” Alex muttered.
Smirking, Gideon leaned casually against the mantel. “Something’s different about you.”
“Course not.” Alex leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and his face in his palms. He rubbed his hands over his eyes, but nothing would erase the image of Grace’s face from his mind. The surprised look that had quickly turned to sadness as she stormed from his room. He didn’t blame her. She’d been right. He was a fool and he was afraid. But what would she have him do? He was trying to keep her safe, damn it all.
“I’m merely tired.”
He heard Gideon shift, knew he came closer and cursed the man for not having the good sense to leave. “No, that’s not it.”
Hell, why couldn’t they let well enough be? Everyone wanted something from him. Alex surged to his feet and paced to the fireplace. The dancing flames were warm, but he barely felt their comforting caress. “What do you want from me? A life story? I had no idea you were so concerned with feelings.”
“Fine. To hell with your feelings. We have more important things to discuss anyway.” Gideon stepped closer, his steel gaze fierce. “I want a damn agreement. Look at you, man. You want out as badly as I do.”
“Agreement?” Alex seethed. He was tired of people constantly wanting something from him, always something. “Written in blood? Would that do?”
Gideon quirked an arrogant brow, his lips lifting. “Perhaps.”
They were silent as Alex glared and Gideon smirked, knowing he’d hit a sensitive spot. In the end, Alex relented, realizing Gideon had him. With or without Grace, he could not live here any longer.
Alex released a frustrated sight and stalked toward the sideboard, ignoring the flash of success in Gideon’s eyes. As much as Alex was loathe to admit, they both knew he would agree to Gideon’s ridiculous plans.
“When?” Alex asked, pouring himself a brandy. Did Gideon notice the way his hands trembled? If he had, he didn’t mention it. Thank God for small favors.
“Two weeks…”
James strolled inside, putting an end to their conversation for the moment. “Oh, hello. Didn’t realize you’d both be here.” He looked confused, a little nervous and leery as he paused in the middle of the parlor. “Gid, did you still wish to speak with me?”
“Yes, but Alex can hear. We both wish to talk with you.”
Hell, Gideon was truly going to let the cat out of the bag. Alex still wasn’t sure if they could trust James. How did they know the man wouldn’t rush to Lady Lavender the moment they admitted their plan?
“What’s this about?” James asked, eyeing them warily.
Gideon glanced at Alex, as if he should explain. Bloody hell, he’d have to. Alex raked back his hair, stepping forward to do Gideon’s work. He would try to be calm and rational before Gideon blasted the man with truths James wasn’t quite ready to accept.
“James, you know as well as I that what she has done to us isn’t right.”
James knew immediately who they were discussing. How could he not? Anger crossed his boyish features, making his green eyes blaze.
“Think on it James,” Alex said calmly, strolling casually toward the door and blocking the man’s exit, should he wish to flee. “We three were brought here at approximately the same time. There must be a link, but until we tell each other the truth, we can’t possibly understand.”
“I know why I’m here,” James snapped. “Ophelia offered me a position, a way to save my family and I grabbed the opportunity.”
Alex slid Gideon a glance and knew the man was thinking the same thing as he, there had to be more to it all, secrets James wasn’t telling them. Alex had admitted to Gideon that he’d come from a titled family, Gideon had admitted he had as well. But James… James was the odd man out
. The riffraff.
James’ lips lifted into a sneer. “So tell me Alex, what are your secrets? You’re so eager for me to share mine, why don’t you start.”
“Why did you need it?” Gideon snapped out, saving Alex from having to answer. “Why did you need the money?”
“Why do you think?” James’ youthful faced flushed red. “Me father died when I was young, we hadn’t a pence. We were starving, so ye’ll have to excuse me if I don’t think yer plan is so keen.”
His voice was slipping back into the voice of the street rat he was, his emotions evident in the panicked flush of his face. The sheen of genteelness that Ophelia had taught him was gone.
“Tell me about your father,” Gideon demanded.
James threw his arms wide. “What’s there to know? He was a coachman for a well ta do family. A driver for a titled gent who left ‘im with not a pence to his name. He died ashamed and poor.”
Alex parted his lips, intending to end the argument before it escalated into fisticuffs and Ophelia found out. Having James irate wouldn’t help anyone. The man obviously didn’t trust them, and he obviously didn’t want to talk.
“Who did he work for?” Gideon demanded.
James narrowed his eyes. “I don’t remember.”
“Liar.”
“Fuck you.”
“Who, James?” Gideon demanded, stepping closer, doing his best to intimidate the man. Gideon outweighed and out muscled James, but the smaller man didn’t cower.
“Lord Collins,” James finally hissed between clenched teeth.
An unfamiliar name, but Alex wasn’t surprised. He’d known few titled Englishmen when they’d arrived those years ago. Gideon didn’t flinch either, but Alex knew the man well for they’d been living in the same abode for years. He saw the slight flaring of Gideon’s eyes, the tightening of his jaw. The name bothered him for some inexplicable reason.
“If that is all, I’m leaving.” James spun around and stomped from the room.
For one long moment neither Alex nor Gideon said a word. The only sound was the crackle of the fireplace and the rush of blood to Alex’s ears. He wanted to demand answers, but knew better. One never demanded anything of Gideon. He would tell Alex when the time was right, if ever.
“That didn’t go well,” Alex muttered.
Gideon downed the rest of his brandy then set the tumbler on a table. “No, it went well enough. We needed to plant doubt in his stubborn mind and we did. He’ll notice things now, things that will make him question her as he should.”
Alex wasn’t so confident. He had the sinking feeling that Gideon’s plan was going to blow up in their faces before they’d even started. “How do you know he won’t admit all to her?”
“Because he went right toward his bedchamber, not left toward her office.” Gideon started toward the door. “Besides, the idiot is a loyal as they come. He might not like us, but he feels loyal toward us.”
Alex wasn’t so sure. Not that James was a terrible sort, but the man had put Ophelia onto a pedestal. Surely his loyalty toward her superseded his loyalty, if he held any, toward them.
“As for you,” Gideon said, pausing near the door, his back to Alex. “I’m not so sure.”
Alex bristled. What the hell did that mean? He’d had too little sleep and too many confusing emotions swirling through his head to be toyed with now.
Gideon turned, grinning. “Calm down. I meant no offense, but it’s obvious there’s something going on between you and that Irish lass.”
Irish lass? Grace? He hadn’t thought of her as Irish, but obviously he wasn’t the only one to notice the red in her hair. His bewilderment turned to annoyance. Shite, what else had Gideon noticed?
“Go then,” Gideon nodded. “Find out what your feelings are before you commit to what we have planned.”
Frustrated, Alex leaned against the mantel. “What do you mean? You imply that I not only have feelings for a client, but that I will be unable to concentrate on our task because of these feelings?” Alex wasn’t sure whether he wanted to laugh or hit Gideon square in the face.
Gideon nodded. “That’s exactly what I’m implying. You won’t be able to concentrate until you sort out your feelings toward her.”
Alex’s fingers curled, his anger flaring. How dare Gideon speak of feelings. How dare he even think of Grace. “And how do you suggest I sort out my feelings, since you’re apparently an expert?”
Gideon stepped into the hall. “Go to her.”
The thought was so ridiculous Alex almost laughed. “You know as well as I that escape is practically impossible. Ophelia would never allow it.”
Gideon shrugged, completely unconcerned. “There’s always a way. I’ll create a diversion while you escape.”
Hope and determination swelled within. Gideon couldn’t be serious. The man wouldn’t truly help him, would he? “How?”
Gideon grinned an evil grin. “Fire works wonders. Just give me ten minutes…”
It was all he needed to hear. Alex was out the door, brushing by Gideon before the man had finished his sentence.
********
Hot one moment, cold the next.
That was how Grace thought of Alex.
He seemed to be attracted to her, yet was constantly pushing her away. Was he purposefully attempting to drive her mad? She closed her bedroom door and leaned against the hard, unforgiving panel. The hearth was cold, but coal was expensive and Mama and Patience needed it more than she.
Her rock and mineral collections sat upon the mantel, the crystal pieces sparkling under the low lamplight. A piece of clear quartz she’d found with Papa while on a walk. A palm sized specimen of dolomite she’d found with her father while on their only visit to Ireland. A fossilized shell Mama had picked up while walking along the beach. A useless collection worth but a pittance, but pieces worth so much more than money.
Only a small lantern glowed softly upon the bedside table, not daring to reach the shadows in the corners. She frowned. Had she forgotten to extinguish the light? She hadn’t remembered lighting a lantern.
Exhausted, she moved across the worn floorboards, floor bare and cold, for the carpet had been sold long ago. Soon they’d run out of objects to trade and then what? At the windows, she nudged aside the curtains and looked out upon the streets of London. Raindrops trailed down the glass. The lanes were empty, the damp cobbles glistening under gas lamps. The weather had kept most at home. Warm, in their beds, or perhaps having lazy, family meals, laughing and chatting over supper. She remembered a past with happy chatter and family adoration. A time before Papa had died.
What would Papa think of Alex? He would like the man. She was sure he would. His tendency to laugh and smile. The way he jested. They’d be friends, if not… well, if not for the fact that Alex worked for Lady Lavender. Would Papa understand the reason for the man’s actions? Would he forgive his transgressions? Perhaps not. Even Papa had had his limits. So why, then, did she find it so easy to forget what Alex did?
She closed her eyes and leaned her forehead against the cool glass. Because… because she loved Alex. She could admit that, at least to herself. When a woman was in love, Mama had said, she could overlook many, many things.
How embarrassed she’d been during their first meetings. Ashamed that she could be attracted to such a man. And then… then he had smiled at her and the entire world seemed brighter, life seemed worthwhile. Perhaps she should be ashamed of her feelings, but she wasn’t.
She was attracted to Alex. Desperately. She dreamt of him. She wanted him. Perhaps she would even sell her soul to be with him. She rested her fingertips to the cold glass.
Where was he this eve? Was he with another woman? Just the thought sent a sharp pang of jealousy rippling through her chest…squeezing her heart painfully.
Tears of frustration burned her eyes. Grace bit her lower lip to keep from crying. She wanted Alex for her own. But would he ever want her in the same manner? Would his feelings for her ever
supersede his fears of life?
Graced fisted her hands against the glass window. “Damn you, Alex!”
“Such harsh words from such a gentle lady.”
The familiar voice had her gasping in surprise. Grace spun around, her heart hammering with hope. “Alex?”
She searched the room, frantic to find him, praying she wasn’t so desperate that she’d imagined his voice.
A shadow separated from the far corner, a human shape emerging from the darkness. “Please, you must explain why you’re cursing my name.”
He was here! He was truly in her bedchamber! She didn’t care about the how or why, she only cared that he was here now. “Alex, is it truly you?”
She didn’t wait for his response but rushed forward and threw her arms around his neck. His hard body was proof enough that she was not imagining things. His clothing was damp, his skin cold and he smelled of rain and fresh air. She didn’t care that it was completely shocking and inappropriate that he was in her chambers. She didn’t care that he was soaking wet. She didn’t care that she was showing her emotions for a man who might not feel the same.
“I had to see you,” he whispered against her neck, his breath so warm it sent shivers over her skin.
The words melted her insides. She sank into him, closing her eyes and savoring the moment.
“There are so many things I need to tell you,” he continued, his voice almost desperate. But damn it all, she didn’t want to discuss why they couldn’t be together, or why he couldn’t leave Lady Lavender. She merely wanted to feel. Feel him.
“It can wait.”
She didn’t know how he had gotten here, or why. She didn’t care. Grace stood on tiptoe and pressed her mouth to his. Alex groaned, sliding his arms around her waist and drawing her even closer. For one long moment they merely kissed. When she parted her lips, his velvety tongue delved into her mouth. A kiss of desperation. A kiss of passion. A kiss of love. She felt that kiss all the way through her body, to her toes and into her soul.