"Tales of me making you come."
"Mmm," she purrs, closing her eyes. "What did you want to ask me before?"
"You sure?"
"Yeah."
"How did you and Danny fuck?" I blurt out and she glares at me.
"Are you kidding? Tell me you're kidding."
"I didn't mean it like that. Fuck." I run a hand through my hair. "I'm just trying to get a feel for how much you've done."
Another glare.
"You know, positions, oral sex, shit like that."
Still glaring.
I sigh. "It's not about you and Danny. It's about you."
"Did I not measure up?" she bites out.
"Kitten, you destroyed me."
"Then why do you need to know that?"
Why do I need to know that? I have no idea why I want to know that when the answers are likely going to piss me off.
"I don't want to push you out of your comfort zone." There, that sounded good.
"How am I going to know where those lines are if we don't get right up on them, maybe cross them, and decide that way?"
"Fuck it. I'm going to ask you shit… you can say yes or no or fuck off."
"Fuck off."
"I didn't ask anything yet."
"I was practicing."
"You don't need practice."
"Noted. Ask away, pervert."
"On top."
"Him or me?"
"Both."
"Yes."
"Okay. Doggie style."
"I hate the name of that position. It's demeaning. Yes, just once."
"Laying sideways."
"How the—no."
I nod. Gotta show her how that shit works, how it's not always about being balls deep that gets her off.
"Legs on shoulders."
"No."
"Standing up?"
"What do you mean?" she asks, her brow furrowed. She's confused. That's a no.
"I lift you, your legs wrapped around me, and I brace you against the wall or door."
She runs her tongue along her bottom lip.
"No. You can do that in the shower and stuff, right?" she asks, watching me closely, curiosity sparking in those baby blues.
"Yep. Can't say I've ever done it in the shower."
"You're kidding. There's actually something sexual the Cameron Stone hasn't done? Blasphemy!" she says bitterly.
"Hey. Liv." I turn her face toward me. "What's going on?"
She lets out a sigh. "I don't know. I'm feeling inferior, insecure, and really fucking jealous."
"No need for any of that. You're not inferior in any way. You're fucking amazing, Liv. Why would you feel insecure with me? You know I don't judge you and I never will."
"I just know you've done all of that with other girls and it pretty much sucks."
"I may have, but that doesn't mean shit. Do you think I gave two shits if any of those chicks got off when I banged them?" I ask, raising my brows in challenge.
She gasps.
"Yeah, exactly. Like I said, I fucked them for the sake of getting off. I'm a guy, it's what we do so don't hold it against me," I ask.
"I'm not, not really. I'm just jealous."
"But why? I was never with anyone the way I am with you. No one."
"There's nothing we'll be able to learn together, that's all. You've already done it."
I snort. "Maybe, but who the hell knows if it was right? Again, it was all about if it felt good for me."
"You're telling me, you didn't even try to give those other girls orgasms?"
"Nah. Dick move, right? I know. They knew what it was about."
"Can I ask you something this time?"
"Go for it."
"Oral sex?"
"What about it?"
"Have you done that a lot?"
"Give or receive, two totally different things, Kitten."
"Both."
"Receive? Not a lot, but sure."
"Oh yeah, Brit right?" she asks, cutting me a glare.
"Are we really going there? If you want to, we will. I can tell you I was so pissed off and so fucking hard for you when I left, I couldn't see straight. I went to the frat and drank some beer with the guys and when that didn't get my cock to go down because I could smell you on my hand, hear your moans and cries of pleasure in my mind, I went up to my room and grabbed a magazine planning to rub one out. I didn't even think to lock the door, I was that far gone. I was really into it when the door opened and Brit walked in. I pushed her away more than once, but she insisted. Finally I said fuck it. If she wanted to suck my cock and get me off with no strings, then she could have at it. So I leaned back against the pillows and closed my eyes, imagining your sexy mouth wrapped around my cock, and when I lifted my hand to smell your cum on my hand, I came. It was you that got me to come. Not her."
Damn. I just confessed that shit. What the hell is wrong with me?
"That makes it a little better."
I just grunt.
"And giving oral?" she urges.
"Not much. Just with Alison and maybe twice, three times? I don't know. Like I said, I didn't care."
"Wow. Even with her?"
I nod. "Look, Liv. I wasn't in a good place then and fucking helped me forget. Ali was easy, frigid but easy. I didn't care. I didn't need her to be all warm and caring when I got off. I was using her anyway."
"Just, wow. I thought you two… you were together for nearly two years."
I nod. "Yep. Right up until she started talking going to college together and long term commitment."
"And then they moved."
"Ali kinda forced that to happen."
"Whatever it was, I was so damn glad when that evil bitch left." Liv's eyes widen as she realizes what she just said.
"What did she do to you?"
"What she did to me wasn't nearly as bad as some of the things she did to the other girls. Remember the blue Smurf incident?"
"What the hell?" I ask.
Liv shrugs. "All those pranks, the really cruel ones? Those were Ali."
"Like spanks day," I say, remembering Ali lifting Liv's skirt every chance she got, showing off Liv's red panties.
"Yeah. Like that."
"I wish I'd known."
Liv laughs. "She was nice to me until you started bullying me. She took a page out of your book, just kicking it up a notch, that's all."
I flinch. "I wouldn't have done anything like that to you, Liv."
She turns to me. "You think the words were better?"
I don't reply, I don't move, I'm barely breathing.
"Every word cut like a paper cut at first, then as you gradually unleashed more, it felt like razorblades flying through the air, slicing me up little by little, until you covered every inch of my flesh, leaving me there to bleed out as you walked away and I stood there humiliated."
"God. I'm so sorry, Olivia." I pull her into my arms. "I am so damn sorry. No matter what I was going through, you didn't deserve that."
"Would you have apologized if we were still just acquaintances?"
I nod. "I tried to get to you on graduation day, but you were flitting all over the damn place. I couldn't catch up. I wanted to apologize and wish you the best."
"Really?"
I nod. "Yeah. The only one who knows that is Alexa… well, and Brax. I told him about everything when he came home with me that summer."
"He's your best friend?"
I shrug. "I guess. He's the closest guy friend I've got. Dekker too."
"I like them," she admits and it pleases me. I never gave a shit about anything before, including if the chick liked my friends, but now—it matters.
"I'm glad. They like you too."
She grins. "Seth just likes touching my ass when I'm drunk."
I chuckle. "Seth is one of a kind—and if he ever touches your ass again, I'm breaking his hands—wide receiver or not. Fuck football."
"Fuck football?" she asks. "Wow. Jealous much?"
"Wer
en't you the one who wanted to claw Brit's eyes out when she was giving me a hard time… after I told her you were my date, I might add."
She sniffs. "I hate that she blew you that night."
I nod.
"You think you know, but you don't."
"So tell me."
"You were only the second guy to touch me like that, and the fact that I had an orgasm that easily—that just never happens."
"I beg to differ."
"Fine. That never happened before that. And hearing you went from touching me like that to being with someone else to get off, well it cheapened everything. It was hard enough to accept and work through without adding that."
"I really am sorry, Kitten. I'll fuck up… I'm a guy, it's what we do. I won't mean to, but I will and I'll be so damn sorry it'll eat at me until you lose the sad weighing you down. I can't promise I won't hurt you, but I can tell you I'll try my best not to," I plead.
She smiles, leaning forward to press her lips to mine, my heart picking up speed.
Will I ever get used to the feel of her lips on mine?
God, I hope not.
CHAPTER 15
"Change is difficult; not changing is fatal."
- Dr. Rosie Ward
Olivia
"And then we spent the rest of the day in bed, talking, having sex, eating, goofing around," I tell Alexa, two days later. It's our Monday lunch and she still looks like crap.
"I slept through all that."
"Well, did you want to listen? I'm sure if you'd been awake you'd have heard it all. I wasn't exactly quiet," I confess.
"Eww. Just no. That's my brother you're fucking." She shudders visibly and I laugh.
"He's really good at it too," I tease.
"Stop. Stop, now. Before I vomit," she tells me, curling her lip in distaste.
Sebastian plops down into the seat across from us, giving me a look of—I don't know… anger? It's a really nasty glare.
"What's your problem?" Alexa asks.
"You fucked him," he says, watching me, waiting.
"Back off, Sebastian. What Liv does isn't your business," Lex defends.
He curls his lip in a sneer. "It didn't take him long to get back in your pants."
I bristle and anger washes over me like a tidal wave. "You need to leave."
"Why? Can't handle the truth? How long do you think it'll take before Brit blows him again?" he taunts. "I mean, she's probably given a hell of a lot more head than you have. Her technique is probably off the charts. Who wouldn't want that over someone who fumbles around?" he asks cruelly.
"Jealousy doesn't look good on you," I tell him, not reacting to his harsh words, words that cut me deep. I won't give him the satisfaction.
He scoffs. "Jealousy?"
"Look, I get it. You're hurt. I wouldn't go out with you when you wanted me to, but I just don't see you like that, Sebastian. You can lash out at me, push me away but you're better off just using a knife because even though the words cut, I've had way worse from a pro," I tell him, thinking of Cam. I get up from my chair, leaving my coffee and grabbing my bag, hurrying toward the front doors of the building.
Shit. It's raining again. What the hell? Does it always rain this much? I'm not a fan of New York for this reason alone.
I pull my jacket closed and my hood up before walking out the doors. Cam's standing on the other side of the walkway and I ignore him. I don't want to talk to him right now—not when Sebastian has rubbed old wounds raw with how he attacked me. I hate that he triggered those memories—the bad ones of Cam up in my face, heartless and cruel.
I turn and start walking when I hear him call my name.
"Want me to walk you? I'll share my umbrella," Cam offers.
"I'm good. I won't melt."
His brows furrow in confusion. He knows there's something wrong but knowing Cam as I do, he'll leave me alone for a bit before he asks me what it is. That's a very good plan, very smart on his part because I don't think I could be around him without unfairly verbally kicking his ass.
I sigh as the raindrops fall heavier.
Cam's offered to share his umbrella with me four—no, five times now and all five times I've said no—the first time was a lot worse than no. So was the second.
I don't want him to offer me an umbrella so the he can deflect the rain from falling on me. I like the rain, cold and unsympathetic, falling in a steady stream just as the pain, loss, and confusion has since graduation.
I stop in the middle of the walkway, people going around me as I tip my head back, my hood falling backwards, the drops splashing onto my face, hair, and neck, soaking me within minutes.
The wind blows and the droplets pelt harder against my face with punishing force—and I let it. I stand here feeling it, reveling in it, needing the reminder of how hard and cruel something so beautiful as water can be—just like love. In beauty, there's cruelty. In plainness, there's peace and simplicity.
I want to be plain. With Cam, that's not possible. He's always the center of attention—him and his football friends. They're a big deal and that's not what I want to be. I was that once. High school means nothing and likely college means the very same thing—but while you're there, it's everything.
I start walking again thinking about the Fab Five and how different things would have been if they were here. It wouldn't be at all like it was. We'd all be going our separate ways, to our classes and whatever activities they'd be signed up for. We might not have even been in the same dorm.
That would have been hard for me with Danny. Then again, even if we were in the same dorm, I know I'd hardly ever see him. He'd go off to his history classes and I'd be off to my psych ones—two different buildings, two different directions, two different lives.
Danny had wanted to get married at Christmas, less than two months from now. I know now that would never have happened.
That realization steals my breath and I sit down onto the cold, wet bench, the rain seeping through my leggings and panties, but I don't really feel it.
We'd spent our entire lives together—all five of us—and college would have likely torn us apart—not intentionally. It would have just happened. Gradually like a spreading cancer—starting out as a small nuisance, then growing into something destructive and painful. An evil, untreatable, malignancy.
I wonder how long it would have taken for Danny and I to break up? In the end we wouldn't have spoken to one another again—it would have been too painful, especially if one or both of us started dating other people. Danny would have had no problem finding a new girlfriend, one who liked sports and history instead of reading and psychology.
In a small town it's easy to stay together, to find things in common and pretend none of them are forced because there's nothing better to do. I was great at pretending. Truth is, I hated cheerleading. I only did it because of Danny and Cassidy. I'd cheer on Danny as he threw pass after pass out on that field, setting and breaking records, Cassidy cheering right along with me. But not a single minute of that mattered to me. Cam was right. I was fake only not the way he meant.
I wonder how much everyone else in the Fab Five faked?
I wonder how much of mine and Danny's relationship was fake? He was my best friend, but if I'm being honest with myself, I never felt passion with him like I do with Cam. Not once. How long would it have been until that wasn't enough anymore? Until I wasn't enough, until he wasn't enough anymore?
Even the night of the accident I was unhappy with things—the drinking, the grabby hands. Danny was sloppy drunk.
There's a vast difference between Destiny, North Carolina, and Prospect, New York, and I don't think it would have taken long for the enormity and newness of this place to pull us all in separate directions, leaving me exactly where I am now. Alone on a bench in the rain.
Oh, my heart hurts. It's all 'what ifs' but the likelihood is high for those probabilities to have become reality.
I don't know how long I've been sitting here, the rain
soaking me, chilling me to the bone as the wind picks up, sending the rain horizontal instead of vertical.
Cam sits down next to me. I think he'd been calling my name for a while, but I didn't hear him.
"I don't want your umbrella. Sometimes it's better to let the rain punish you," I tell him.
"Haven't you been through enough, Kitten?"
I shake my head. "No. Not nearly enough.
With a sigh, he picks me up in his arms, leaving his umbrella behind, walking through the merciless rain to take me home.
"You don't deserve the rain," I tell him softly.
"Where you go, I follow. We're a team now, Liv."
I shake my head. "Too many variables here. Teams never last when there are so many forks in the road."
"Like I said, where you go, I follow. Some teams make it through the worst of circumstances, walking out into the bright sunshine instead of staying in the rain," he explains.
"Sometimes." I cup his face in my hands and his eyes are sad.
"What's wrong, Kitten? Tell me."
"We'd have never made it, Cam," I confess, a sob choking me.
"Who?"
"The Fab Five. Me and Danny. As you once said, Prospect, New York, is a hell of a long way from Destiny, North Carolina, and with everyone going in their own directions, taking different paths, I don't imagine it would have taken long to each find our own way with new… teams," I say, using his word.
"You can't know that, Liv."
I nod. "I do. And you were right. I am fake. I hated cheerleading. I only did it because of Danny and Cassidy. I would have rather joined the Debate Team or Speech Club."
"You should have just told them. They'd have been cool with that."
I nod. "They would have, but that would have pulled me in a direction they weren't going. We were friends since we were babies. Making a small sacrifice like that was worth it to keep the group together, right?" I shake my head. "For the short run, yes; but the long run? No. In the long run, I'd have been standing at my fork in the road alone."
"I think I'd have found you and followed you."
I scoff and he really looks at me, deeply, and he lets himself open up, all the walls falling, no more hiding, and what I see scares the hell out of me.