I squeezed her hand. “It’s okay. I’ll wait.”
* * *
I didn’t hear her enter the apartment. The music in my fingers was too loud and consuming for me to be aware of another presence. That was the best thing about it. Music could fill your head and allow you to escape the constant worries that consumed you.
A buzzing sound went off, and my playing ceased. I turned, saw her outfit, and tried to suppress a smile.
“Oh, go on, say it. You know you want to,” she sighed.
God, this woman. Even when my deepest fears tried to drag me down, she always found some way to make me feel lighter.
I released the smile I’d withheld and replied, “What on earth are you wearing?”
* * *
The tent was full. I wasn’t quite sure why, because I’d been nothing but a rude, careless drunk to these people for years, but it appeared the entire circus was there to attend our wedding. Every time they saw me now, they seemed taken aback by how much I’d changed.
Christ, every time I saw me now, I was taken aback by how much I’d changed.
I wore a fitted tux, designed by Jay’s wife, Matilda. She’d also designed Alexis’ dress, but I wasn’t allowed to see it yet. I believed in my sister’s superstitions about as much as Jay did, but still, I indulged her. Marina had kept me from going over the edge for a really long time.
Speaking of my half-sister, she was the one officiating the ceremony, and she wore her ringmaster’s outfit, complete with top hat and tails. Jack stood by my side; I’d always found his presence soothing, even when I was so far gone I’d forget entire weeks. Just like Marina, he’d been a rock to me, and probably the only one brave enough to grip me by the balls (metaphorically speaking) and tell me the truth that the way I was living was going to kill me.
Of course, I didn’t listen to him. It was only when Alexis came back into my life that I remembered I wasn’t me. Drinking wasn’t me. And that I was far stronger than I’d given myself credit for.
The music began to play, and I turned to see her walking down the aisle. Her dress was beautiful, her face radiant, and when she stopped to stand in front of me, I told her so.
* * *
She sat astride me, and I couldn’t hide my arousal. She was well aware of it, too, but her reaction wasn’t what I expected. Something forced my gaze down, away from her pretty lips and beautiful eyes, and I saw her nipples were hard. All in an instant, everything fell into place. She’d been lying; she must have been. And I was pissed. Pissed and aroused, and yes, smug as fuck. Mere seconds passed, and already I was imagining all the ways I was going to take her. I wanted to grip her thick, dark hair as I plunged myself into her soft, welcoming body.
She trembled when I leaned in close enough that our lips almost brushed and whispered, “I fucking knew it.”
* * *
Oliver was our page boy. He also sat beside me throughout the reception, and I spent most of my time talking to him rather than mingling with the guests. I’d missed so much, and every moment felt like a new opportunity to reclaim something of those lost years.
“I think your wife might like to dance with you now,” Alexis murmured in my ear, the husky quality to her voice sending a thrill down my spine. I’d spent weeks asking her to marry me, and she’d finally said yes. Now here we were, six months later. The circus had returned to London, and we were husband and wife in a wedding that had been nothing short of unique.
I took her hand in mine, and Mum came to take my empty seat beside Oliver. She looked happier than I’d seen her since I was a teenager. After all the time I’d spent thinking she was dead, it felt a little bit miraculous to have her before me, alive and so much healthier than she’d ever been.
Leading my wife to the dance floor, I slid my arms around her waist, pulled her close to my body, and swayed us both to the rhythm of the music. Her hair smelled of lilacs and her skin of the sun. Her light olive tan looked pretty against the white of her dress, and I fingered the hem at the back, hardly able to wait until tonight when I got her alone. She gave a little shiver and rested her head on my shoulder.
All around us, our family and friends enjoyed the party. Marina sat with Alexis’ parents, chatting like they were old friends. Mum had Oliver on her lap now, and I knew that my boy was her world just the same way that he was mine.
Alexis’ hand came to my neck, her fingers light and probing on my skin. “I can’t wait for tonight,” she whispered, echoing my own sentiments. “Maybe we could slip away for a little bit.”
I groaned low in my throat, feeling her shift her body so that her breasts pushed harder against my chest.
“Not yet,” I whispered back. “First, I have something for you.”
* * *
Her body was a dream, her stomach soft and rounded, her breasts heavy and full in my hands. As I stared down at her, marvelling at the flare of her hips and her hair spread out like a dark halo around her head, I felt something strange and intangible take hold. My throat was tight, and the taste of her was still in my mouth. I already loved the taste of her.
“I think this is your cue to beg, love,” I murmured.
She did. Christ, she begged so perfectly.
And when I finally sank myself inside her, the final piece of that strange and intangible thing fell into place. I was surely falling.
* * *
I sat on the stage in the middle of the tent, our wedding guests seated all around. Alexis was only feet away, and the gravity of what I was about to do caused a heaviness to settle in my gut. My hands hadn’t trembled like this since I’d come off alcohol. I rubbed my palms together in an effort to still them. I couldn’t play music if my hands were shaking.
The wedding band had taken a break, and I sat by the piano, the weight of two hundred pairs of eyes baring down on me. For months I had only played for strangers; now I was playing for everyone I knew in the world. There was a certain comfort in anonymity, but there was no comfort in putting yourself out there for the people who mattered most.
My courage won out, and my hands settled on the keys. My gaze rested on Alexis as I leaned forward and spoke into the microphone.
“Someone once told me that my music can be a gift I give to other people. So, my darling, here’s my wedding gift to you.”
I closed my eyes and played. The music looked like colours behind my eyelids, and I experienced a wonderful moment of synaesthesia. I saw the years flash through my mind, all the pain and loneliness expelled through the tips of my fingers. When I opened my eyes again, I saw Alexis before me, her gaze shiny with unshed tears. Quite like a present waiting under the tree, I knew hers had been opened. She saw me for all I was, and I saw her for all she was. The story in the music of all we’d been through wasn’t pretty, and yet, in that moment I wouldn’t wish to be anyone other than who I was right then. I was glad for my experiences, good and bad. I was glad for what they had made me.
And I was glad that I hadn’t had one life, but that I’d had many.
She stood before me, a miracle made flesh, and God, so much more beautiful than I even remembered. Living without her for so many years had been like living in a world without the sun. I didn’t feel worthy of touching her, and yet, my hands wandered anyway. They began at her temples before descending. Drinking her in with my eyes, I felt my way down until I reached her throat and a breath escaped her. She was from another life, the one I’d left behind, but having her there, my hands on her skin, made me feel like I was stepping out of this life and into a new one.
“Hello,” I said quietly.
“Hi,” she answered back.
End.
Continue the journey with the next book in the Hearts series Hearts of Blue.
* * *
She upholds the law. He breaks it.
Two blue hearts, both alike in bravery
In not-so-fair London, where we lay our scene
From gun crime to petty theft
Where family is blood an
d survival makes hands unclean
In this place, we find two hearts who should be foes
And yet, amidst the turmoil their love still grows
Misadventure abounds and the divide will bring them strife
But with luck, death doesn’t always mean an end to life
Hearts of Blue
Copyright © 2015 L.H. Cosway
All rights reserved.
* * *
Smashwords Editions
* * *
Cover pictures taken from Shutterstock.com.
* * *
Cover design by RBA Designs.
* * *
Editing by Indie Author Services.
* * *
This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author.
Created with Vellum
Playlist
Check out the author’s playlist for Hearts of Blue HERE.
“Stealing, of course, is a crime, and a very impolite thing to do. But like most impolite things, it is excusable under certain circumstances. Stealing is not excusable if, for instance, you are in a museum and you decide that a certain painting would look better in your house, and you simply grab the painting and take it there. But if you were very, very hungry, and you had no way of obtaining money, it might be excusable to grab the painting, take it to your house, and eat it.”
Lemony Snicket.
Prologue
London, 2000
The room was freezing, so cold you could see your breath mist in front of your face.
There was something about it that made everything feel wet. The electricity had been cut off several weeks ago, and with it the central heating. The old couch in the living room was damp to the touch; so too were all the blankets and pillows in the bedroom Lee shared with his three brothers. He climbed into bed and closed his eyes, tried to ignore the discomfort of damp bedding and just go to sleep, but it wouldn’t work.
He’d never admit it to any of his friends, but he often cuddled tightly to his older brother, Stu, for warmth. Liam and Trevor shared the bed on the other side of their small room, while their cousin Sophie slept in his mum’s old room. His aunt Jenny had abandoned her there months ago, right after Lee’s mum passed away. She’d then gone on an extended holiday with her boyfriend; “messed up” didn’t even begin to cover it. As far as social services were concerned, Jenny had moved in to take care of her late sister’s children. In reality, she was off sunning herself in Magaluf, boozing it up to her heart’s content and leaving all five kids with an envelope of money to survive on that had long since dried up.
There was a man who wore a suit and gold rings who’d started coming around more and more often, offering Lee a way to take care of his family. He’d seen him a few times about the estate. Once he’d been beating a man half to death because he couldn’t pay back the money he owed him, and another time he’d been visiting a woman whose husband died, bringing her a hamper of food to feed her kids. It was difficult to reconcile the violent man with the one who helped the widow. How could someone be both kind and cruel?
Still, Lee wanted to trust him. He wanted what the man was offering to be real and not a con, because he saw his expensive suit and stylish car, and deep in his gut he coveted those things for himself. He was tired of suffering, tired of seeing his brothers live a life of poverty. He wanted to make sure his family was never cold or hungry again, and the man represented an opportunity to do that.
Stu coughed and turned on his side, his eyes open, clearly unable to sleep, either.
“I hate her,” he said, drawing Lee from his thoughts.
“We all hate her,” Lee replied. “What she did was selfish. She deserves to be hated.”
“I’m not talking about Aunt Jenny. I’m talking about Mum. She was worse than Jenny. She never loved us. Mums are supposed to love their kids.”
“She didn’t even love herself,” said Lee as he thought of her. “Junkies don’t love anything but getting high.” Both his mum and her sister had grown up in a house that was the worst kind of dysfunctional. It was no wonder they turned out how they did.
Stu let his head fall back and stared up at the ceiling. “I’ll never do drugs. I’m swearing it now. If I ever try to touch a single pill, I want you to punch me in the face.”
Lee chuckled quietly. “No problem, bruv.”
“I’m serious,” Stu insisted. “I’ll even let you break my nose if it stops me from being such a stupid fucking fucker.”
Stu’s proclamations woke up their younger brothers. Liam, who was just nine and the youngest, whined, “You two are being loud.”
“Our bad, little man. Go back to sleep. We’ll be quieter,” said Lee in a hushed voice.
“I’m hungry,” said Trevor, sitting up and rubbing at his eyes.
Lee and Stu had been shoplifting food for weeks, but it was only going to be so long before they were caught. They couldn’t keep doing it. They had to find an alternative. Again, the man in the suit invaded his thoughts.
“When is Aunt Jenny coming back?” Liam asked, too young to realise she was never coming back, not for them anyway.
“She’s not,” Stu gritted out abruptly. He didn’t have Lee’s sensitivity when it came to dealing with the younger boys. Liam’s eyes started to shine right before he burst into tears, and Lee climbed from the bed, going to his side to comfort him. He threw his arm around his little brother’s shoulders and brushed away his tears with his thumb.
“It’s going to be all right. We don’t need her,” he promised him.
“How can you say that?” Trevor asked bitterly. “We have nothing. We’re just a bunch of kids nobody gives a shit about.”
“I give a shit,” Lee threw back. “I give a shit about all of us. And I’m going to figure out a plan.”
“A plan?” Liam piped up, sniffling.
“Yeah. I don’t care what I have to do or who I have to step over — I’m going to make sure we never want for anything ever again. I’m sick of living like this.” A silence elapsed as he felt all three boys stare at him. He broke the quiet when he asked finally, “Who’s with me?”
Stu immediately reached over and placed his hand on top of Lee’s. “I am.”
“Me, too,” said Trevor.
“And me,” Liam agreed.
Lee made eye contact with each of his brothers, their pact sealed. Tomorrow he’d go see the man in the suit, and, with any luck, their lives would change.
He just hoped it would be for the better.
One
London, 2010
Karla
The first time I met Lee Cross, I was doing something as ordinary as shopping for groceries.
Standing casually outside a betting shop, he’d called on my best friend, Alexis, who he knew because she’d dated his brother. Time seemed to move in slow motion when his eyes landed on me, and I immediately felt flushed. Almost against my own will I found him attractive, from his tousled brown hair to his mischievous blue eyes, to the tattoos that peeked out from the ends of his shirt sleeves.
Long story short, he asked me out. I shut him down. He’d tried to lure me into saying yes by whispering in my ear.
“If you come, I’ll make you come with my tongue, and I won’t expect anything in return.”
Can’t say I wasn’t tempted, but that was probably just my ten-month dry spell steering the wheel. I was a police constable. I took my job seriously. And I only had to take one look at Lee Cross to know that he didn’t live on the same side of the law as I did. Plus, he was too young for me. Sure, it was only three years, but still.
The second time I met him, I was providing Alexis with some moral support, because she’d asked Lee a favour and he’d come over to our flat. He’d been cocky, lounging next to me on the couch and flirting. I had to keep reminding myself that he was off limits, especially when he flashed
me that confident little grin of his. The one that said, One word, and I’ll fuck all that frustration right out of you, babe. Real annoying, like. I’d never give him that word. I’d never let myself say yes to Lee Cross.
And the third time I met him, well, that brings us to the present, as I chased some hoodie down a back alley. Just seconds earlier I’d caught him attempting to rob a car parked outside a newsagents, and the second he saw me he scarpered. I worked out several times a week, but this fucker was too fast for me. Needless to say, I was relieved when I saw that the alley had a dead end. Too bad for him. There was nowhere to go, and my shift partner, Tony, would be rounding the corner any moment. My relief quickly deflated when the hoodie effortlessly jumped the ten-foot wall like it was nothing. What the hell? Just before he dropped down the other side, he turned and shot me a wink.
Cheeky. Little. Bastard.
I’d recognise those blue eyes anywhere, because his older brother possessed an identical pair. Trevor was the second-youngest member of the Cross family. He had a number of arrests to his name, all minor stuff, and he hadn’t done any prison time. Yet. I was willing to bet that if he kept going the way he was going, he’d end up behind bars sooner or later.
A second went by before Tony came up beside me, hands on his hips as he tried to catch his breath.