Ian stepped to the side of the bed. He just stood and stared, almost as if he were on guard, frozen by the brutal, blunt unfairness of what was before them.
On legs that didn’t feel like her own, Brooke walked past Macey and went to the other side of the bed. She wasn’t sure how long it took her to get there. Alex’s cheeks were a little puffy and stretched into a dark pink color from the tube that had been in his mouth. A new bruise was starting to appear on the side of his neck, and she could see a sliver of an opening in his right eye. Still, he looked like he was sleeping, and she sadly wondered if he’d finally met her parents . . . his grandma and grandpa. She hoped they’d find him. Maybe he was already parked on one of their laps, talking about all that had happened over the last five years.
Six. He was going to be six on Saturday.
“Go ahead and sit on the bed if you want,” Macey said.
Brooke put her hand on the sheet and then quickly pulled it back.
Ian stepped closer. “I want to touch him. Can I, Macey?”
“Yes,” Macey said, prompting Ian to put his hand on the side of Alex’s face. “Go ahead and hold him, if you want.” Brooke thought she heard her voice crack.
Brooke sat her hip on the edge of the bed, and Alex moved slightly up and down with her weight. For a moment she thought he had moved on his own and her heart leaped. She imagined for a second that they were all wrong—that he was still there—that he’d been made well because she really had believed.
But her skyrocketing hope came crashing down as Ian cradled the side of Alex’s neck in his hand. Ian’s face didn’t light up with joy. Instead he silently bent down and tenderly kissed Alex’s head.
Brooke looked back at Macey. It now seemed as if they were each playing their little parts in this big nightmare—or was it big parts in a little nightmare? She wanted to cry it out, but the tears just wouldn’t come.
“They’re here,” Macey said quietly, looking toward the door, then at Brooke and Ian. “Do you want them to wait?”
Brooke just stared at her, not able to decide if she cared at all. Ian answered, “Have them come in.”
Macey stepped back and gave way to Pastor Jim and Carla, who both gave the doctor hugs before stepping around the curtain to the foot of the bed. They both looked at Alex, and it was immediately too much for Carla, who covered her eyes with her hands and leaned against Pastor Jim. Pastor Jim put his arm around her and glanced at Brooke as she blinked heavily without saying a word.
Ian came and held Carla, who had started sobbing uncontrollably. Pastor Jim touched the side of Ian’s face, and their eyes met. Ian merely nodded.
Pastor Jim came to Brooke’s side then, and she stood and stared up at him. You said. You said it. You said if I only believed . . .
“I’m sorry, honey,” Pastor Jim whispered. “I didn’t mean to mislead you.”
Brooke’s lip quivered, and the words melted away at the back of her mind.
Only believe.
Pastor Jim hugged her, but she wasn’t hugging back. Her arms dangled loosely at her sides. She looked to the door and saw Shirley step through it.
Charlie was with her.
Shirley guided Charlie by the arm and took him to the opposite side of the bed. Charlie’s expression went from one of cautious obedience—one that knew not to touch anything and to stay out of the way—to one of uncontrollable joy when he saw Alex. He’d noticed that Alex no longer had the wires plugged into him, so he must have thought that good things were happening. Charlie slowly lifted his finger up to his lips, making a shh motion for everyone to be quiet, as if he didn’t want anyone to wake his friend up.
“Does he know?” Ian asked, his voice strangled.
“We told him,” Shirley said, embracing Brooke, “but it will take him a bit to accept it. To understand.” They watched as Pastor Jim placed his hand on the side of Alex’s head and then bowed his own.
Carla tried to stifle her sobs and came around to hug Brooke. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered.
Brooke didn’t say anything. She wanted to talk. She wanted to cry. But she couldn’t.
Pastor Jim turned around and took Brooke’s arm. “I know you believed. And I need you to believe me, honey. Alexander has been made well.” He tilted his head toward Alex. “I want you to take Alex’s hand.” He guided her back to the edge of the bed. “Everybody, please join me.”
Brooke lifted Alex’s right hand, waiting in vain for him to move.
They joined hands all the way around the bed, and Charlie followed suit, providing the last link by reaching down and picking up Alex’s left hand. They all bowed their heads.
“Lord,” Pastor Jim said, pausing, “we want to thank you for welcoming Alex—”
“Hang on, James,” Shirley whispered.
“Charlie?” Carla said. “It’s okay, Charlie.”
Charlie had let go of Alex’s hand and stepped back from the bed. He looked at his mother and then his father. He reached down with two fingers and lightly tapped at the top of Alex’s hand. He glanced up at Brooke, ran his hand across his chin, and then picked Alex’s hand back up. Brooke knew that Charlie didn’t like the way Alex’s hand felt.
Charlie turned his head toward Pastor Jim. He tapped again at Alex’s hand, pressed his thumb against it, and rubbed it in a tiny circle. He looked over at Ian, who was shaking his head and weeping, and then looked at Shirley and Carla, who’d begun to cry again.
Charlie crouched over the edge of the bed and put his arm above Alex’s head. He touched the side of Alex’s cheek and then dipped his shoulder and head next to Alex’s face. He gently tapped at Alex’s forehead with his finger and then patiently waited.
Brooke just stared. He wants to see who smiles first.
No more smiles. No more smiles. No more smiles.
Charlie glanced desperately at Pastor Jim when Alex didn’t respond. It was at that moment that Brooke knew Charlie realized Alex was gone. Not sleeping, but gone forever. Charlie’s eyes rounded sadly as he stood, pulled a Tic Tac container out of his pocket, and then picked Alex’s arm back off the bed. He took Alex’s hand, opened it, and put the Tic Tac in his palm. He then coiled Alex’s hand around the candy and carefully placed Alex’s arm back at his side.
“Take his hand, son,” Pastor Jim said.
Slowly, reluctantly, Charlie did as he was told, completing their circle.
“This is not the last time you’ll hold his hand, Charles Lindy,” Pastor Jim said. “Someday, when you’re reunited in heaven, you’ll hold it again. I promise.” He looked around the group. “Let’s pray. Father, we thank you that even in our sadness, Alex is experiencing total joy right now. We ask that you comfort us as we mourn his loss and yet celebrate in the knowledge that he is with you . . .”
As Pastor Jim prayed, Brooke looked up and around at all the people who loved Alex best. Behind Carla and Shirley, at the foot of the bed, Macey, Kaitlyn, and Zach stood, heads bowed. Macey’s lip was trembling, and tears were running down Kaitlyn’s face.
Pastor Jim finished his prayer and nodded to Zach and Kaitlyn. “Thanks for being here, friends. Would you join us in the chapel?”
Brooke noticed neither of them answered. They were both just staring at the bed, as was everyone else.
Charlie had lowered himself to one knee and was leaning against the side of the bed. His left arm was draped across Alex’s chest, and his enormous head was resting on her dead son’s bare shoulder. Charlie’s eyes were closed, and Brooke could see the pair of tears that was slowly heading down his cheek. She couldn’t help noticing that with each breath Charlie took, Alex’s head shifted ever so slightly on the pillow.
“Please excuse me,” Macey said, stepping back to the other side of the curtain.
Brooke went quietly to the foot of the bed and edged around the curtain too.
Macey was standing at the window. Brooke remembered how Macey had stared out that window . . . right before Alex died. And right now, looking anywher
e but at Alex was what Brooke needed most. She stepped up beside Macey, and the doctor wrapped her arm around her waist. Together, they looked out into the snow.
“It’s gone,” Macey said softly.
What’s gone? Brooke wanted to ask. But she couldn’t make her lips form the words.
“His truck,” Macey said dully. “Kenneth is gone.”
Then the doctor turned and left the room.
FIFTY-ONE
The AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY elevator beeped three times, and then its door hummed and closed smoothly behind her. Macey was back on the third floor and felt fortunate that nobody was in the hallway. She glanced sadly to her left through the small window of the gray double doors that led back to the Bone Marrow Transplant unit. Down on the right-hand side, she could see the door of the room Alex had been in before they took him up to the ICU.
She closed her eyes and then sighed as a dose of sorrow filtered through her like water through sand. She turned and made her way down the hallway. She didn’t want anybody to see her. What she really wanted was to go home and stick her head under her pillow. She wanted to let it all out. But she couldn’t do it here.
Anywhere but here. Don’t you dare cry here, Macey Lewis. All you have to do is get to your office. Just make it there.
She passed the nurses’ station unseen and then started down the hall toward her office. She’d almost made it when she heard Zach’s voice behind her. “Macey!” he called.
She stopped and froze like a teenager whose late-night plans of disappearing out the back door had just been thwarted. She stood in front of her office and didn’t respond to Zach. I have to get inside, because I’m about to lose it. She opened the door and went inside, almost making it to her desk when she heard Kaitlyn’s voice.
“Macey?”
She couldn’t answer. She only gasped for breath, widening her eyes, trying to hold on just a little longer . . .
She knew both Kaitlyn and Zach were in the doorway, but she couldn’t face them. They already knew the truth.
“He was right,” Macey said, keeping her back to them. She frowned and bit her lip. “My best wasn’t good enough.”
“You gave it everything you had,” Kaitlyn said. “That’s all anyone could ever ask.”
“Macey,” Zach said. She could hear him come into the office. “You have to believe me when I say that Alex is in a good place— the best place. I know for a fact that he is all right.”
“I know you know,” she said. She leaned forward and put her palms flat on her desk, holding herself up. She shook her head and paused. “What I don’t know is about all of this anymore.”
“All of what?” Kaitlyn asked.
“The hospital. My work. How do I know I’m making any difference with these kids here? Any difference at all?”
“What do you mean?” Zach asked.
Macey lifted her arms and put her hands behind her head. She took a deep breath and turned to face them. “I’m not in control of anything here. I always thought I was saving kids’ lives. That’s why I became a doctor—to do just that. But now I know—and I think you two also know—that we really aren’t the ones in control of much at all.”
Zach studied her. “I understand. I became a doctor to save kids’ lives too—mostly to make up for the one I couldn’t save.” His sister. He was talking about his sister. Kaitlyn had told her about their visit to her grave site and Zach’s experience there with Kenneth.
“It doesn’t seem fair,” Macey said. “It isn’t fair. At the end of the day, regardless of what we do here, if a certain Somebody thinks a child’s life on earth is over, there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it.”
“Looks that way,” Zach said. “We do our best. But ultimate power is not our own.”
Macey crossed her arms. “And you accept it just like that?”
“Yeah,” he said, with the hint of a peaceful smile.
It irritated her, his peace. “Pastor Jim was blind for twenty years,” Macey said. “Charlie has never said a word, and did you know that Brooke’s parents were killed in a motorcycle accident?” “Yes,” he said.
“And now this,” she added, preparing to ask the question once again. It was the same question that was without an acceptable answer. “Why? Why these people? These people who do good things for God? And more importantly, what does God have in store for them next?”
“I don’t know,” Zach said.
Her shoulders slumped, and she shook her head. “Alex was five years old. He was a good kid, a good son, and a good friend to somebody who doesn’t have a whole lot of friends. Now he’s gone. Does a loving God let things like that happen to people?”
“Yes, he does.”
“Why? Tell me why.”
“I said I don’t know, Macey. But I know that someday we will.”
“I could have saved him, Zach. If God had let me. And if he won’t let me . . . why even bother?”
“Look at me,” he said, stepping closer to her. “There’s something you need to know.”
“What?” she asked, crossing her arms.
He took her by the shoulders and spoke quickly. “Alex won’t be the last patient you’ll ever lose. I promise you that. But God will still use you, Macey. He smiles whenever any of us use the gift he’s given us. And he’s given you a doozy. There are kids here who need you, Macey, and you better believe there will be more. Do you hear me?”
She turned away.
“Don’t you dare give up, Macey Lewis,” Kaitlyn said, stepping closer. “We all need you here.”
Macey swallowed hard, then covered her face.
“Don’t hold it in,” Zach said. “I know how you feel. It’s okay, Macey. Let it go. Let it go now.”
“What?” Macey asked. “Let what go?”
“Play tough all you want,” he said. “But there’s something else I want to tell you. Turn around and look at me.”
Hesitantly, she did.
“Here is why you’ll keep doing it, regardless of the heartache,” Zach said. “Guess what God does with the kids he isn’t quite ready for?”
“What?” she said.
Zach grinned, and then his smile slowly faded. “He puts them in your hands, Macey Lewis. Your hands.”
“You don’t know that.”
“Yes, I do.”
She looked back at him. “How?”
“Because Kenneth told me. He told me to tell you that. And he also told me that I would know when to say it. And that time is now.”
“God puts them in my hands?” she asked in a tiny voice, her head lowering.
“Yes,” Zach said. He put his finger under her chin and gently lifted her head. “And don’t you ever forget that.”
Macey just stared at him. She could still hear Alex calling her “Docca Lewis” and constantly asking her when he could go home.
It was at that moment she realized that he already was home. She then became perfectly still and lowered her head again. She took a deep breath and could feel her shoulders start to shake— and then her bottom lip. She closed her eyes tightly, desperately fighting the first tear from coming.
“It’s okay,” Zach said, holding out his arms.
Macey slowly looked at Kaitlyn, then to Zach. When their eyes met, she could somehow feel Zach’s faith and knew he was right. It really was okay. She leaned forward to hug him, sighed, and began to cry uncontrollably.
Kaitlyn joined them and the three of them clung together, shaking as they all wept.
FIFTY-TWO
The small chapel at East Shore was located on the first floor, directly through the main entrance and past the greeting center. It was tucked neatly between the gift shop and the main elevators, and its exterior was bricked in a deep brown, both separating and identifying it distinctly from the light tan drywall and paneling that ran the balance of the same hallway.
Brown double doors with thick black handles led to an interior that was carpeted in light beige. Twelve darkly stained pews we
re perfectly angled inward, split by an aisle that ran from the entrance to a two-step, rounded platform, which held a small altar and standard pulpit.
A dark wooden cross that matched the pews was mounted on the front wall, dramatically lit in the otherwise shadowy pulpit area. It instantly evoked a spirit of contemplation, perfect for those who often came here with desperate requests, or those reeling from bad news, seeking a place to anchor.
Jim was standing at the pulpit, looking at Brooke in the first row between Ian and Carla. Her cheeks were overly pale, and he hadn’t heard her say a word since seeing Alex dead. She was staring vacantly at the floor with her hands in her lap and her head on Carla’s shoulder. Directly behind them were Shirley and Charlie, who were only a few feet from Kaitlyn, Zach, and Macey.
Jim rested his arms on the pulpit and closed his eyes. Lord, thank you for blessing our lives with Alex, and thank you for welcoming him into your kingdom. I ask that you give us strength and ask that you give me the right words to—
He heard the creak of the floor and opened his eyes. Zach was up on the landing and walked right past him. Jim turned around and, in amazement, watched Zach kneel before the cross and bow his head. Thank you, Lord, Jim prayed silently. How far you’ve brought this man—
Charlie stood and stepped out into the main aisle. He ran his hand across the top of his head and down along the side of his face as he went up on the curved platform and took three huge steps to join Zach. They all watched as he went to one knee and dipped his head, imitating Zach. Zach and Charlie shared a long look, and Jim could see the tears that had begun to stream once again down his son’s face. Zach put his hand on Charlie’s shoulder and then squeezed the base of his neck. Then they both bowed their heads again.
Shirley joined them, right next to Charlie.
Kaitlyn nodded at Macey, then they stood up and walked up the aisle and onto the dais. They kneeled to Zach’s left.
Jim could see Carla saying something to Brooke. Brooke didn’t respond; Ian nodded for Carla to join the others, and she did.