“He’s anaemic,” said Michal.
“Why has thou deceived me with goats’ hair?” said Saul.
“It was cheaper than mink,” sayeth Michal.
David fled to the YMCA and the Lord God went before him in a pillar of cloud after its thousand-mile service. And the Lord was with David on flexitime.
28A. David stripped off his clothes and prophesied before Samuel, and lay down naked, and prophesied he’d get bronchitis, which came to pass.
David said to Jonathan, “Why does thy father seekest my life?”
Jonathan said, “My father will do nothing either great or small, but that he will show it to me: and why should my father hide this thing from me?”
“Never mind all the crap,” said David, “your father wants me dead.”
And David arose out of a place towards the south and fell on his face before the Lord in a north-easterly direction, then bowed south-south-west; all wasted as God was due east. Then Jonathan and David kissed one another, until David exceeded [Eh?].
28B. And Jonathan returned to the city to find the FT Index up twenty-seven points. Meanwhile, David seeketh shelter with a priest, Ahimelech. “I am of hunger,” said David; “give me five loaves of bread, they should last me ‘till Thursday.”
The priest said, “I have no common bread, only hallowed bread for men who have kept themselves from women.”
My God, I’m going to starve, thought David. “Nay, I haven’t touched a woman,” said David.
“Then how do you do it?” said the priest.
He giveth David bread saying, “It is fresh, but best eaten before the 15th.”
And so David eateth the bread with low-fat spread.
29. And David arose, and his bottle goeth and he fled and went to Achish, the king of Gath, who was suspicious of David as he telleth him he was a humble travelling trombonist. But the king sayeth, “This bloke is barmy; he sayest he is a trombonist, but hath none.”
30. And David was sore afraid of the king of Gath. He went on acting mad, playing an invisible trombone. He was asked to leave, and he escaped to the cave Adullam. And everyone that was in distress, and everyone in debt, and everyone wanted for house breaking, gathered themselves unto him; and he became their captain, he was still not very well. Before the police came David left and asked refuge with the king of Moab. And he let him dwell in the hold, and the prophet Gad said unto David, “Abide not in the hold, you’ll suffocate; flee ye to Judah, take the ‘B’ roads to avoid tollgates.”
31. Saul had Ahimelech taken prisoner. “Why did you give him bread?” he said.
“He was hungry,” said the priest.
“Don’t give me that crap,” said Saul, so the priest didn’t give him that crap. Saul had half an hour to kill, so he killed the priest; it took days to get the stain out of the carpet.
And they told David of Saul’s deed. David calleth to the Lord for vengeance, and the Lord said bring it up at the next court of petty sessions. Then they told David, “Behold, the Philistines are fighting against Keilah, and they have robbed the threshing room floor, nobody has anything to stand on.” The Lord spoke from a barrel of lug worms. “Arise, go and smite the Philistines but keep damage to property to a minimum.”
And David smoted the Philistines, not one remained without smote marks.
32. It seemed these days as if the Lord God was on anybody’s side. Here He was supporting Saul, David and Samuel. When Saul knew David was in town he said, “God hath delivered him to me [He’s now on Saul’s side]; he is trapped, coming into a town that hath gates and bars.”
In fact, at the time David was in one of the bars, drinking a crisp young dry white Hebron wine selling at £2.50 a bottle. Then, after a few, he got up off the floor and said, “O Lord of Israel [He’s on David’s side now], will Saul come down here?”
And the Lord said, “He will come down here.” Then David and his men runneth like fuck and hideth in the wilderness of Ziph.
33. Following a trail of empty bottles of crisp young dry white Hebron wine, Jonathan found David and his men on their last bottle, and for David strengthened his hand in God [still on David’s side]. The Lord appeared in a snow cloud and His teeth chattereth. There came Ziphites, traditional sneaks and shits, who told Saul, “David hideth in the wilderness of Ziph, which is on the south side of Jeshimon.” [Actually, it was on the north side.] So Saul said of these sneaky lot of shits, “Blessed be ye of the Lord.” [Now on Saul’s side.]
34. Saul and the Ziphite sneaky lot of shits hurried to trap David in the wilderness of Ziph, but David and his men were hiding in the wilderness of Maon, the land around ripe for development; indeed, David and his men developed a liking for women and wine, the lower clan birds and beer. Then Saul had news that the Philistines were sacking his palace; they had also sacked the cook and the butler. David thanked the Lord for his lucky escape. The Lord heard him not as His hearing had faileth.
35. Now Saul came searching for David but David hideth in a cave; and Saul went in to cover his feet [eh?]. David arose from the lotus position, and [here it comes] cut off the skirt of Saul’s robe privily. Why Saul was in drag has never really been answered. It came to pass, David’s heart smote him for having ruined Saul’s dress. It was red with a split skirt worn with black stockings and white stiletto shoes. Saul looked lovely in it. Then Saul, furious, rose up out of the cave and went on his way somewhere.
David ran after Saul, and said, “My Lord the king.” David stooped with his face to the earth, bowed low.
“Very good,” said Saul, “but I’m not there, I’m here behind you.”
David said, “I cut off thy skirt, but killed ye not.” Then he speaketh gobbledegook! “After whom is the king of Israel come out? After whom dost thou pursue? After a dead dog, after a flea.”
Saul sayeth, “I knoweth nothing about a dead dog or a flea; has the owner been informed?”
And David goeth on with the gobbledegooketh: “For if a man find his enemy, wherefore so shall that he upon me then.”
Saul listened.
And the Lord sayeth, “Woe, I cannot take any more of this,” and He departeth on a maroon-endowed pillar of cloud.
36. Samuel died, and they gathered together to hear the will read. He left it all to the Israelite home for fallen ladies; he himself had fallen for one or two. His wife put an obit in the Jewish Chronicle. “Just say Samuel is dead,” she said.
The man said, “You’re allowed six words.”
“All right,” she said, “say, ‘Samuel is dead, Volvo for sale.’”
37. There was a man in Maon, he had three thousand sheep and a thousand goats; it was everywhere. He was shearing his sheep in Carmel, a wholesale knitwear shop like Harrods without the Arabs. The man’s name was Nabal, one of Lloyd’s Names; that’s why he never slept.
His wife was Abigail: she was beautiful, on a bad day 36-28-36, on a good 40-30-36. She was of a lovely disposition and would do it anytime. Nabal was churlish – sometimes he would churl night and day. He paid his shearers two shekels and all the wool they could eat.
David sent his shearers at one shekel an hour. Nabal told them to pisseth off. David was wrath, he and his men put on their swords, girded their loins, also girded their teeth and ears, then set off for a jolly good afternoon’s killing. And they met Abigail, coming the other way.
“Oh, hello,” said David. “We’re just off to kill your husband.”
Abigail threw herself at David’s feet and missed.
38. And she sayeth, “My lord, I pray thee, pity my husband and Sheepshearing PLC, folly is with him, and I sawest not your shekel-an-hour shearers come. Now therefore, my lord, as the Lord liveth. He has with-holden thee from coming to shed blood with thine own hand. Now let thine enemies, and they that seek evil to my lord, be as Nahal.”
“What a load of crap,” sayeth David. “Take this woman’s measurements.”
And, lo, she was 40-30-36.
David looked kindly on her measurements
and said to Abigail, “Blessed be the Lord God of Israel, who sent thee to me,” and he gave them a squeeze. “Tell your husband I will not put in a takeover bid for Sheepshearing PLC; surely there had not been left unto Nabal any that pisseth against the wall.”
Abigail then made an offering to him: two hundred loaves; two bottles of wine; five sheep, oven-ready.
“Thank you,” said Abigail, “that will be eighty nine shekels fifty.”
“Visa?” said David. Then David proposed to Abigail on bended knees, hers.
39. She returned to Nabal, and he putteth on a feast; he eateth all fatty things, his cholesterol was 10.3. And it came to pass the Lord smote Nabal and he died. Good old God. Abigail was free to marry David. She rode upon an ass with five damsels, the ass could hardly move but a touch of pepper on the ass’s bum and he was away. Now those little shits the Ziphites came and told Saul where David was. He hideth himself in the hill of Hachilah. “It’s on the B2089.” So Saul took three thousand men.
40. And Saul pitched his tent on the side of Mount Hachilah, and it slid down the side. But David hath fled into the wilderness and was in a cave doing it to Abigail.
He getteth off, giveth it a quick shake, then he and his men goeth to find Saul, and they found him asleep in a trench. And Abishai said to David, “God hath delivered Saul into thine hands: let me smite him with a spear and pin him to the earth; I play darts so I’m pretty good at it.”
David said, “Nay, the Lord shall smite him, He’s very good at this; it’s usually a heart attack.”
Then they saw Saul’s battle spear by his side. “Take that,” said David. “It’ll do well at a boot sale.”
Then David went to the top of a hill; a great space being between them. And he cried to the people, “You’re too bloody far.”
And the people said, “We can’t hear a word.”
But Saul heard him and said, “Is that the voice of David?”
“Yes,” said David, “it is mine; I always use it.”
41. The two-faced pair now went into gobbledegook talk. David said, “Wherefore doth my lord thus pursue me with a bloody great spear?”
Then Saul said, “I have sinned: I will no more do thee harm. Can I have my spear back?”
David said, “I will not stretch forth my hand against the Lord’s anointed.”
Saul said, “Blessed be thou.”
So David went his way, swearing vengeance and Saul returned to his place, swearing vengeance. And the Lord God blessed them and left to hurl fire and brimstone on a city.
42. And David said, “I will now perish one day by that bastard Saul: I shall flee to the land of the Philistines and their team West Ham.” So after a quick begatting with Abigail, he set off and he dwelleth with Achish. It was full board, three shekels 50 pence a week.
And the Lord spoke to David from a burning bush wearing an asbestos suit: “I am the Lord God,” He sayeth.
And David said, “Of course you are.”
43. Now those shits the Ziphites told Saul that David had fled to Gath. Then Achish put the rent up, so David and his yobboes invaded the Geshurites, the Gezrites, and the Amalekites; they smote the land, and left neither man nor woman alive.
And the Philistines, now armed with spear-throwing chariots, marched on Israel. And Achish said, “David, thou shall come to battle with me – I will make you keeper of mine head for ever.”
David said, “OK, but can you keep it for the time being?”
And Saul saw the host of the Philistines and his bottle goeth, and Saul calleth out to the Lord, but owing to freak weather conditions, He heareth him not. So Saul goeth to the witch of Endor; even though the waiting room was full, she saw him first. She goeth into a trance and told him it was ten shekels an hour in cash. Then she said, “I see a vision.”
44. “Is it a good picture?” said Saul.
“I see an old man; he is covered in a blanket.”
“He must be cold,” said Saul. When he saw it was the late Samuel, Saul stooped with his face to the ground, and bowed.
“It’s too late for that,” said Samuel; “I’m dead.”
“You’ve cost me ten shekels,” said Saul.
Samuel shook his head, turned to the witch of Endor and said, “You know my fee, it’s fifty.”
“It was a special offer,” said the witch.
After he had sung ‘My Yiddisher Mama’, Samuel told Saul that the Philistines would outsmite the Israelites.
45. Then Saul fell, face down, straight away all along the earth and squashed them. There was no strength in him; for he had eaten no bread all the day, only a Yorkie bar. And the witch baked unleavened bread, then gave it in great lumps to Saul and his yobboes and they did eat. They rose up and went away with indigestion.
46. The Philistines lay ready for battle. They said, “Who are these Hebrews?”
Achish said, “This is David, and he’s looking after my head.”
The Philistine princes said, “Send him away, he’s circumcised.” So because of a clipped willy he was sent back. When David and his yobs returned to Ziklag, to his horror he found a tribe called the Bailiffs had been and taken everything: the furniture – even the wives. And all David’s yobs cried because their furniture was on HP. David was distressed as the people spake of stoning him. One or two rocks bounced off his heart, but that was all.
47. David called on the Lord, who spoke to him from a burning bush that goeth out. David prostrated himself face down on the earth. A chariot ran over him. “Lord,” said David, “should I pursue the Bailiffs?”
“Surely,” said the Lord, trying to kick-start the bush, “if thy furniture be on HP, I will help you smite the Bailiffs.”
Then David took all the HP agreements and placed them in his underpants where no human had ever set forth. At dawn, after a hard night’s sleeping, David and his men set off after the Bailiffs. There is in the desert the oasis of Barloks. Sure, David and his men caught the Bailiffs by the Barlocks; there cometh screams of “Let go.” David smote them from twilight (about 6.30) into the evening of the next day (about 4 o’clock) with only one break for lunch. Not a Bailiff escaped except four hundred young men on camels who fled looking for oil. David saveth his wife Abigail, whom he took to a cave where he transferreth the HP agreements from his underpants into Abigail’s knickers.
CHAPTER XII
It came to pass, a man came with ragged clothes all rent and David sayeth, “Art thou looking for a tailor?” The man fell on his face before David. “Upsy-daisy,” said David.
“I’m sorry,” said the man, “I don’t know how to up a daisy.” He told David, “Saul and Jonathan are dead.”
“How do you know?” said David.
“Because they buried them,” said the prostrate man.
2. “‘Twas in the midst of battle, Saul sayeth to me, ‘Who art thou?’ and I said, ‘I’m an Amalekite.’ He said, ‘Pray, stand on me and slay me; the battle is lost.’ I said, ‘I hardly know you,’ but he pressed me hard, so I slew him and I took the crown from his head. I have brought it to you, my Lord; it’s hallmarked 14 carat gold.”
Then David rent his clothes, he beateth his breast, breaking three ribs. He mourned the heroes of the house of Israel that had fallen by the sword; some of the heroes had fallen running away. Then David said unto the Amalekite, “How dare you kill Saul, the Lord’s anointed?”
“He didn’t want to be captured by the uncircumcised ones and be exposed,” said the Amalekite.
David called his young soldiers, “Go near, and fall upon him.” And he smote him so hard that he died.
“Is that all, sir?” said the soldier.
“Yes,” said David. “O Israel, how are the mighty fallen. Tell it not in Gath, publish it not in the Jewish Chronicle lest the daughters of the uncircumcised laugh.”
3. David asked the Lord, “Shall I go up to Hebron?”
The Lord said, “No, go down to Hebron for that’s where it is.” So David went down thither, and he thith
ered all the way to Hebron; there he met the men that buried Saul.
David said, “The Lord’s blessing on you who buried him.”
“Well,” said the men, “in his condition it seemed the best thing to do.”
Abner, the son of Ner, took Ishbosheth and took him to Mahanaim; and that got rid of them. And David ruled in Hebron over Judah with a rod of iron; when that got too heavy he used a wooden one.
4. Then Abner son of Ner took the servants of Ish bosheth, and went out from Mahanaim to Gibeon, and that got rid of them. Joab and the servants went and sat by the pool of Gibeon. On the other side sat Abner and his servants. Abner said, “Let the young men now arise, and play before us.” And the servants arose and started to play at killing each other. Abner’s were beaten. The Lord appeared in a cloud and sayeth, “Tsu, Tsu.” Why the bloodshed occurred the Bible explaineth not, save that the spot where the killing took place was “Where fore that place was called Helkathhazzurim.” To an nounce peace on the land Joab blew a great blast on the trumpet, and got a lump in his groin. Meantime, Abner and what were left of his men walked all night through the plain, and passed over the Jordan, through Bithron, to Mahanaim and that got rid of them.
5. There was a war between the house of Saul and the house of David, but David waxed stronger and stronger and the house of Saul waxed weaker and weaker. Tiles fell off the roof, the water tank burst and ruined the lounge – there was dry rot in the joists. And Saul moveth in with his mother-in-law, who had a face like a chicken’s bum. The war continued, and Abner made himself strong for the house of Saul. He shored up the roof timbers, replastered the lounge and put in a shower; he did it for a knockdown price. When Saul heard it, he knocked him down. Then Saul attacked David: he showed him a photograph of his mother-in-law and David fled the field shouting “Unfair!” Saul had a concubine named Rizpah.
6. One day – quite a nice day, some cloud, 30 degrees Centigrade with a forecast of rain – Ishbosheth said to Abner, “Why hast thou gone in unto my father’s concubine?”