17. Many Israelites were cracked and parched and they had a wrath against Moses. He was sore afraid because he saw the children gathering stones. He runneth like hell to a rock, which he smote, but no water came; he smote it again and again.
“You’re using the wrong end,” sayeth the Lord. The first stones were bouncing off his head; turning the stick around he smote and rock and water gushed forth. Next was the famine and the people cried out, “There beeth no bread; and our soul loatheth this light bread. We want brown wholemeal with the flavour locked in.” And for reasons beyond comprehension, the Lord hurled down fiery serpents that fell flaming among the Israelites’ tents. They asked Moses what he was doing to help and he said, “I’m praying for you.”
“That’s no bloody good,” said the Israelites, “we want the fire brigade and snakebite antidote.”
The Lord said unto Moses, “Make thou a brass serpent, set it on a pole.”
And he doeth it – and all those sick with snakebite did live. “But Lord, what about the fire damage?”
“I’m sorry about that,” said the Lord.
Moses said, “You’re sorry.”
Lo! The Lord said, “Gather the people together, and I will give them water.”
18. “Lord,” said Moses, “what about the stick and the rock?”
“It’s empty,” sayeth the Lord. “It only held five hundred gallons.” Came a day when the Israelites, due to mortgage repossessions, moved on to Mattanah, from there to Nahaliel to Bamoth to Lewisham to Moab to Catford to Pisgah to Jeshimon. Now all the tents were B&B (Breakfast and Bugger-off).
19A. The Israelites set forward and pitched on the plains of Moab. And Moses chanted, “Woe to thee, Moab! Thou art undone and we can see it all. Whose land is this?”
And a voice said “Balak’s.”
And Moses said, “And Balaks to you.”
19B. The people of Moab were sore afraid and sayeth, “These people that cometh from Egypt, they cover the face of the earth: that’s why we can’t see it.” Then Balaam, their king, went to see a solicitor to evict the Israelites. He saddled his ass and went. The ass saw the angel of the Lord standing in the way and the ass went in a field. Balaam did it against a tree; remounting, Balaam hit his ass. Again the angel stood in the way.
This time the ass thrust herself against a wall crushing Balaam down one side. Balaam hit her, then the ass collapsed with Balaam underneath and he smote the ass. The Lord opened the mouth of the ass: “Why belteth me so, why belt thine own ass?”
20. Then the Lord appeared, “Hast thou not heard of the RSPCA?” Balaam was sore afraid, and had a sore ass and Balaam whined. “I have sinned for I know not that thou stoodeth in the way against me, now therefore if it displease thee I will get me back again.”
“You grovelling little creep, get you and your ass out of here,” said the angel.
21. And still one jump ahead of the bailiffs, the Israelites abode in Shittim. It was everywhere. And with the hot weather their men began to commit whore dom with the daughters of Moab. Lo, many were stricken with crabs. When Balaam returneth, he told Balak, “I must say unto thee words the Lord putteth in my mouth.”
Balak said, “Say Ahhh.”
Balaam sayeth Ah.
“I see no words inside,” said Balak.
“Oh dear, they must have fallen out,” said Balaam.
And they searched the ground for the words, and, lo, they found them and they sayeth, “Final Demand: Rent.”
“The Lord is my shepherd,” said Balaam. “He also beeth my landlord.”
And the Lord spoke of Inheritance Tax. “If a man die and have no son, his inheritance will pass to his daughter, if he have no daughter, jolly hard luck.”
22. Moses bowed before the Lord but first he took painkillers.
The Lord said, “Take thee Joshua and before all the congregation give him a charge.”
Moses gave him some charge and he smoketh it and said, “Wow, daddy, the Lord is my shepherd, I’m tellin’ you baby I shall not want, right on man. He maketh me to lie down in green, purple and yellow pastures.” Whereupon he zonketh out. And, lo, without a stone thrown, Joshua was stoned.
The Lord said unto Moses, “Heal him.”
So Moses throweth a bucket of water over Joshua. The Lord blessed Moses, but only lightly.
23. The Lord sayeth, “The first day of the month shall be holy, thou shall do no work.”
The children of Israel giveth three cheers. Moses was down, for that day he was to wallpaper the lounge.
The Lord spoke of a feast. “Moses, thou shall sacrifice nine bullocks.”
“Bullocks?” said Moses.
“Bullocks,” said the Lord.
“Two rams and fourteen lambs.”
“Oh Lord,” said Moses, “we’ll never get them all in the oven.”
“Then,” said the Lord, “go thou to the land of the Aga and make a continual burnt offering.”
“Look, Lord,” said Moses, “won’t you settle for an omelette?”
The Lord waxed wrath and striketh Moses lightly with a thunderbolt of lightning, dissolving his socks. It taketh a week for Moses and his wife to chop up nine bullocks, rams and lambs, and the children of Israel came from near and far to partake of the Lord’s feast and they all praised him save those with hiatus-hernia and wind, of which much was let go, and they had to raise the tent flaps.
24. And the Lord spoke unto Moses: “Arm the children of Israel against the Midianites.” So they slew all the males, took all the women and their little ones and then burnt all the castles with fire; what a lot of bastards. And Moses was wrath. “Kill all the males of the little ones and kill all women that hath lain with a man.” Verily, Moses was a bit of a bastard too. Now there were captured treasures, sixteen thousand seven hundred and fifty shekels, which Moses taketh and he placed it all on the tabernacle and offered it to the Lord until nightfall when he offered it into his mattress.
25. And the children of Gad spoke unto Moses: “Ataroth, and Dibon, and Jazer, and Nimrah, and Hesh-bon, and Elealeh, and Shebam, and Nebo, and Beon.”
Moses knoweth not what they were talking about. “Are they football teams?” he said.
“Nay, they have great cattle lands that we work.”
And Moses said, “Well, it’s agricultural land and it’s six hundred shekels an acre and you must not use pesticides.”
The children of Gad moaned and clutched their wallets, beat their breasts, rent their garments, gnashed their teeth, tore their hair. By the time they finished they were in a pretty bad way. Moses settled for a cheque for four hundred and for four hundred in cash.
26. Then Moses said unto the Gads, “What about the war with the Amonites? Shall your brethren fight while you sit here?” The children of Gad rose and said, “We are conscientious objectors.”
And, lo, Moses was stymied but on only one leg. “Go thou and build thy cities for your little ones, so go thou to McAlpines and Mowlems, then journey thou to the land of the Halifax. Take thou from them a mortgage.”
27. One day Aaron went up into Mount Hor as commanded by the Lord. He got to the top and cried, “I’m here. Lord”, and snuffed it. The police were called. There were no suspicious circumstances, just that one hundred and twenty-three-year-old men shouldn’t climb mountains. The postmortem sayeth he dieth from a stroke; a stroke of luck for his wife who inheriteth his fortune.
28. The Lord said unto Moses, “Tell the children of Israel they will cross the Jordan.”
And Moses said, “Why not? They’ve crossed everybody else.”
Then said the Lord, “They shall kill all the inhabitants, destroy all their pictures, their molten images and pluck down all their high places.”
Moses was wrath. “You’ve only just done over the Amorites, now this!”
The Lord warneth, “Unless thou killest them all, those that remain will be pricks in your eyes and thorn in your sides.”
Moses didn’t want a prick in his eye so he tellet
h the Israelites to attack. It was a full-frontal attack; you could see everything. And until all the enemy were killed, many Israelites had a prick in their eyes.
29. And so the children of Israel came into the land of Jordan and the Lord said unto Moses, “This land is for the people at reasonable rents. Now every man that killeth any persons unawares may flee thither.”
“Where is thither?” said Moses. “Broadmoor,” said the Lord.
30. Now the Lord spoke from out of a skip. “Ye shall not pollute the land whereon ye are.” Moses spoke not, but he knew many of the Israelites were doing it in the river. The Lord said, “Blood denleth the land and cannot be cleansed.”
Moses sayeth, “It doth cometh off with Flash.” The Lord blessed Moses but wished he wouldn’t keep interrupting.
31. The Lord said unto Zelophehad, “Let thy daugh ters marry whom they wish, preferably a Doctor, Solici tor or an Accountant.” Zelophehad thanked the Lord with a post-dated cheque.
CHAPTER VII
And it came to pass, Moses spoke unto the children of Israel. It was the fortieth year of their time in the wilderness. And Moses said, “Remember when the Lord spake unto us, “Behold, I have set the land before thee, go in and possess the land.” And you went forth and possessed the land, taking down the ‘For Sale’ signs as you did.”
Moses said, “The Lord hath multiplied you as the stars of heaven, go now and multiply.”
“Multiply? Again?” said the children of Israel. “You must be mad, half of us are at the bottom of the council housing list.”
And Moses said, “How can I myself alone bear your cumbrance, and your burden, and your strife?”
“Get a secretary,” they said.
Moses beat his breast and said, “My life.” He spoke on: “Remember when we went through that great and terrible wilderness?”
The Israelites said, “Yes, we would never have booked our holidays there had we known.”
2. “Remember how in the wilderness the Lord bore thee, as a man doth bear a son?” And Moses recalled he and his wife couldn’t bear their son. “And ye are come to the land of the Amorites and the Lord God doth give it to you.”
“But,” cried the children of Israel, “it was only leasehold.”
“And you were fearful of taking the land of the Amorites and cried out, ‘Lord, the Amorites are taller and bigger than us,’ and the Lord replied, ‘That is because they are on cod liver oil and malt and Sana-togen.’ And the Lord went before us and looketh for new land for the children of Israel PLC to settle. And the Lord said, ‘Ye are to pass through the coast of the children of Esau. Meddle not with them.’ And the Lord spake unto me, ‘Ye shall buy meat of them for money.’”
“Oi vay money,” cried the Israelites. “Hadn’t we suffered enough?” And Moses said, “And the Lord spake, ‘Ye shall also buy water of them for money.’”
“Oh,” cried the Israelites, “money for water! We can make money for nothing.”
And in time Moses said, “Rise ye up.”
It took a while to get them all up.
Moses continued, “And the Lord said unto me, ‘Now, pass over the River Arnon, I give unto you the king of the Amorites, and his land: begin to possess it. This day I put the dread of thee and the fear of thee amongst all nations.’
“‘Lord,’ I said unto him, ‘you are doing a great PR job.’
“The Lord said, ‘Thou shall pass through the land of the Heshbon.’”
“Any properties going?” said the children of Israel.
“In that land you will buy meat for money.”
In a flash all the male Israelites formed a circle round their money crying, “Nobody eats tonight.”
The Lord was wrath: verily, he was pissed off with the Israelites.
The Lord charged the children to possess the land of the Sihon, then Gillead, then Ammon, then Tabhok.
“Be careful, Lord,” said the children of Israel, “we’re becoming a monopoly!”
3. And it came to pass, Moses called all Israel again and said, “You will put up no graven images nor the likeness of male or female nor any beast or any winged fowl nor anything that creepeth on the ground or any fish in the waters.”
And the children of Israel said, “Can’t we put up the wedding photographs?”
Moses spoke: “Behold, the Lord, ye have heard the Lord speak to you from the midst of the fire.”
“But,” said the Israelites, “it’s so hot we couldn’t get near enough to hear what He was saying.”
The Lord called out, “Get into your tents.”
4. They went into their tents and said, “Now what?”
God said, “I will speak unto thee all the commandments.”
“But Lord,” said the Israelites, “we already know that, we’ve got them down on two stone tablets.”
“Hear me,” said the Lord, “you will walk in the ways of the Lord, you will not turn left or turn right.”
“How are we going to turn round corners?” said the Israelites.
God said unto Moses, “Thou shall teach the children, and they shall be as frontlets between thy eyes.”
“Quick,” said Moses to the people, “look up what frontlets are because whatever they are I’m going to get it right between the eyes.”
The Lord said, “Thou shall say unto thy son, we were Pharaoh’s bondmen and I brought you out with a mighty hand.”
5. Moses gritted his teeth. “But had we known this from the youngest to the oldest?”
“Yes,” said the Lord, “it was by way of a repeat, and thou will smite the Hittites, the Girgashites, the Amorites, the Canaanites, I shall deliver them unto you.”
Surely that morning, six vans were delivered with the tribes and so the Israelites smote them and they were hard-pressed. “Lord, I fear we are losing; do some of your tricks, please.”
6. And the Lord sent angels with fiery swords, and the enemies withdrew and surrendered. “I am the Lord that freed you from Egypt.”
“Another repeat,” said Moses.
7. The Lord said, “Thou shall not eat of them that chew the cud or them that divide the cloven hoof.”
“Lord,” said Moses, “that only leaves rabbits.”
8. “Then thou shalt turn it into money, hold thy money in thy hand, go unto a place which the Lord thy God shall choose, the mattress.” The Lord said, “But of all clean fowl ye may eat – but of that that dieth of itself: thou shall give it to the stranger at the gate that he will eat it and snuff it.” The Lord said, “Remember, I am the God that tookest thee from Egypt.”
And Moses said, “Lord, they’re fed up hearing it.”
The Lord appeared in a raincloud and was drenched. “Thou shall surely smite the inhabitants of the city, destroying it utterly and thou shall gather all the spoil and stuff thy mattresses.”
Moses, “Sayeth, Lord, don’t you think you are overdoing it? Wait until you get the bill for damages.”
The Lord said, “Does thou trust me? I got you out of Egypt, remember.”
“Remember it? You never stop,” said Moses.
“Beware false prophets, thou must kill him, thou must be the first hand that shall stone him.”
“Lord,” said Moses, “the town is full of stoned prophets and the dustmen won’t take them away.”
“Fear not, they shall come to pass,” said the Lord.
“You’re right. Lord, these dustmen go right past.”
The Lord spoke. “The holy things thou hast thou shall take unto a place the Lord will choose, Milton Keynes.” And He said thy children will write the names of the chosen on the gateposts and they wrote Duran Duran, Elton John, Prince, Eric Clapton, Dick Strangle.
9A. From in the Jordan the Lord spoke; there were bubbles everywhere. “Ye are the children, ye shall not cut yourselves, nor make any baldness between your eyes for the dead.”
And the children of Israel spoke: “What’s He talking about?”
“You are a crowd of ignoramuses,” said th
e angel of the Lord. “The Lord wills you to have plenty and turn it into money and put it in a safe place.”
“The mattress,” cried out the Israelites.
“And the poor man thou will help sufficient for his need in that which he wanteth, a Porsche. And thou shalt roast and eat in a place the Lord has chosen. Blooms. Also, thou shalt make an aul, and thrust it through his ear unto the door, and he shall be thy servant for ever.”
“Lord,” said the people, “we don’t want a servant hanging up by his ear on a door.”
The Lord said, “At the end of seven years thou shall make a release.”
So Moses released his accountant because he was bloody awful.
9B. “Hear me,” sayeth the Lord, “thou shall not respect persons, neither take a gift: for a gift doth blind the eyes.”
The children of Israel said, “Ye make it hard to give people presents.”
The Lord said, “If there be found among you, men and women that had done wickedness in the sight of the Lord, they shall be cursed.”
“What happens to those you don’t see?” said the Israelites.
“They will be remanded into custody,” said the Lord. “And,” said the Lord, “he that will not hearken to the Lord he shall die.”
“How?” sayeth the Israelites.
And the Lord said, “You just have to wait.” After a lie-down the Lord continued: “The time will come when I will set a king over thee.”
“What about a queen?” said the Israelites.
10. The Lord said, “The priests of the tribe shall eat the offering of the Lord made by fire grilled lightly with a side salad with prunes and custard.” And the Lord spoke of the king. “Yea, when he comes, he shall not multiply horses to himself, nor cause the people to return to Egypt, to the end that he should multiply horses.”
“What are you talking about?” said the Israelites.
“Neither,” went on the Lord, “shall the king multiply his wives.”
“He must rest between each,” said the Israelites, “that way he can see to the lot.”
11. The Lord said the priests shall eat the offering of the Lord made by fire, in this case sausage and mash, and there will be his inheritance, which are the fish knives and the parrot. Otherwise he will own nothing like the names at Lloyds.