"But Mom. I want to play with you."
"Just play with your toys for a little while. Mommy just needs a little nap."
Then Sebastian would go in the corner of the room and play with his spiders who had become his best friends and only companion ever since his mommy grew weaker.
"The lady will be here soon," Astrid said every morning when she served him his breakfast.
She would repeat it again right before they went to sleep. "Tomorrow Sebastian. Tomorrow she will come and we'll have a big dinner with all the food we can eat."
"Can't wait Mommy."
But the next morning she would stare at the iron door, expecting, hoping that this would be the day when the woman arrived. Over the years she had stopped looking at the woman as her warden and more as their savior bringing them food at the right time, the person on whom their lives depended.
Right now she couldn't bear to think about the world outside or all the years she had lost or even how badly she wanted her son to know all that she had known, the ocean, the blue sky and the fields of corn. She simply didn't have the energy for it anymore. All she could think about was hearing that sound again, that wondrous sound of steps, of life on the other side of the iron door. The sound of the outer door slamming and then the creaking sound of the iron door opening. Oh how she missed it, longed to hear it again. It was her worst nightmare to be forgotten down here in that hole, that the woman should lose her mind or even simply forget to bring them food in time. The woman had never let them down before. She had always come, they never knew precisely when, but she always came. Astrid began to think that she might have lost track of the days and maybe miscalculated when she was supposed to arrive. She counted the cans and realized they only had a few days of supplies left for Sebastian to eat. Then there would be no more left. They would have to starve until the woman came.
Astrid looked at her son and stroked his hair while he was playing. He lifted up his hand to show her the spider he had been keeping as a pet. Valdemar, he called it. Astrid let him have his fun even if she couldn't stand having them this close to her all the time. She never knew where they were and would find them in her bed sometimes, then scream and watch how Sebastian laughed. It was the only fun he got to have, so she let him.
Astrid looked at the calendar she had made and put up on the wall with all Sebastian's drawings. According to the dates it was six months and three days ago since the lady was last there. She had to be on her way soon, didn't she? Astrid nodded heavily to herself. She had to. Usually she always came a few days or maybe a week before the six months had passed. It was the first time she had gone past the date. Or maybe Astrid had miscalculated? It could be. Maybe she had remembered the months all wrong, which ones had thirty one days and which hadn't. It was getting harder and harder to keep track of months and years, but she tried as hard as she could. Listening to the radio helped her a lot, since they often said the date and told her if it was summertime or wintertime or if it was leap year. So she thought she had it figured out all right, but now she was doubting herself. She stared at the door feeling the hunger, the famish in every cell of her body. As long as Sebastian had food to eat, they were good. But what if the woman didn't arrive in time? Would he have to starve as well?
Astrid couldn't bear the thought. She walked up the stairs to the iron door, thinking she heard something, hoping it was finally her arriving, but something inside of her knew that wasn't it. The sound came from further away, from the world outside. The faint world that had come to mean less and less for Astrid. But she knew that sound from back when she was still part of the world, part of the living on the outside.
It was the sound of an ambulance.
35
2012
I put the poster back up to cover the number, while a million thoughts ran through my mind. I walked downstairs while thinking about what Victor had said that night when he had the bad dream.
Someone was killed in here.
How did he know? There was so much I didn't understand about him, so much that I couldn't explain. Could he have dreamt about it?
I walked into the living room and found him still with his nose flat on the glass. I approached him and stood next to him. I wondered about my grandmother. Was it her? Had she been killed up there in Victor's bedroom? Was she this killer's first victim? Why? Why was she killed? Probably because she was part of the church. But did that mean she had been one of those women in the parish council? One of those who had done what they did to Jack's sister? And to Irene Justesen's daughter whatever that was? Had she been a part of all that? And what about my father? Was that why he loathed her so much, why her never spoke of her?
I smiled at Victor then went back to my laptop. I searched the police archives and found a report with my grandmother's name on it. I opened it with a beating heart. As it opened and I watched the pictures I had to close my eyes. I felt sick to my stomach. The pictures were the exact same as the earlier ones I had looked at. The same as Mrs. Heinrichsen, Irene Justesen and the Pastor's. So my grandmother had been the first victim. Number five. It didn't take a rocket scientist to see that the killer was counting downwards. The question remaining was who was going to be number one?
"What's going on?" the voice behind me startled me and I turned with a gasp just to see my daughter standing in the doorway with messy hair and sleepy eyes. I closed the lid of the computer and smiled.
"Nothing sweetie. Did you sleep well?"
She nodded and stretched.
"Come sit down. I have breakfast for you."
"I'll just have some fruit," she said. She never was much of a breakfast person. I found some apples and bananas and gave them to her. She cut it all up and put it in a bowl. Then she poured some yoghurt on top of it and began to eat.
"So where is Vic?" she asked.
"In the living room." I poured myself another cup of coffee from the pot. I made one for Maya as well and poured lots of milk in it. She had just started drinking coffee a year ago and wasn't sure if she liked it or not, but it made her feel grown-up I guess. I put it on the table in front of her. She smiled. "Thanks."
"He's sad that he can't go into the yard today," I continued. "Don't know if he intends to stand like that all day."
Maya chuckled. "Probably."
"I guess you're right. It would be something Victor would do."
Maya ate another spoonful. I enjoyed looking at her. I didn't get to see her much anymore. She had made some good friends at her new school and they seemed to monopolize her a lot. I missed her.
"By the way, Grandpa called."
"Did he? I'm sorry I missed him. Typical him to call on the landline and not on my cell. What did he say?"
"Nothing much. But he did say he was looking forward to seeing us all tonight."
Coffee spurted out of my mouth. "He said what?"
"That he is coming out here tonight. Why? Didn't you invite him?"
"I sure did. I have been inviting him out here every weekend since we moved here. I didn't think he would actually come. Wow. That is great news. I have so badly wanted him to see the place. But why tonight?"
Maya shrugged. "What do I know? He did say something about him going to Esbjerg to look at an old boat that he might want to buy anyway and then he thought he might stop by."
"Well I'll be ... we need to clean the place up then. I want him to see it at the best it can be."
Maya rolled her eyes at me. "That goes for you too. I want your room cleaned up when he gets here."
"Mom. Grandpa doesn't care about those things. Have you seen how he lives? I don't think he has cleaned it even once since grandma left."
I exhaled with a smile. "That's true. He doesn't care about those things, but I do. I want him to feel good here. I want him to like it and want to come back. I'll have to prepare one of the guestrooms too."
"Pick one far away from me. Grandpa snores really loud. I want to be able to sleep, thank you very much."
I chuckled,
then froze. "Oh God I completely forgot."
"What?"
"I am supposed to have dinner at Sophia's tonight. I'm meeting her new boyfriend, he's cooking for us. Oh no. She has been looking forward to this so much. I can't cancel, can I? But I have to. I haven't seen my dad in months. I can't just leave him alone when he just got here."
"Why not? I'll be here. Vic will be here. You worry too much. He'll be fine with the two of us. Besides he has been driving all day. He'll be tired."
I looked at my daughter while biting my lip not knowing what to do. Maya got up from the chair and started walking towards the door.
"Don't forget to clean your room," I repeated.
Maya turned and looked at me, ignoring my last remark. "By the way, he said he was going to stay for the entire week."
Then she left.
36
2012
I was busy all day cleaning up the house and preparing a guestroom for my dad. He called again when he was halfway and I finally got to talk to him myself.
"I can't wait to show you the house, Dad," I said.
"I know the house," he grunted. "Grew up there, remember?"
"I know. But still. Now we live here and we have come to like the place a lot."
"I’m not coming to look at the house. Just to clarify. I am not happy about coming to that place again."
"Then why are you coming at all?"
My dad grunted in the other end. "Because I miss you, goddammit. I miss you and the kids like crazy."
I smiled and held the phone tighter. "We're looking forward to seeing you. Drive carefully."
I hung up feeling excited. I had missed him too. Ever since my mother left him completely unexpected four years ago, he had become a bigger part of my life and we had become closer, even if he wasn't one to share much about himself or his emotions. As I recall it it was the first time he ever told me he had missed me. Guess he was going soft on his old days.
My mom however I had hardly seen the last couple of years since she moved to Spain where she was now living with this younger guy named Pedro. Well to be fair he was only ten years younger than her, but still. I never understood her choice, even if I knew she had a blast down there and had become a lot more lively since she left the old house in Ballerup with my dad baffled inside of it. Her door was always open for all of us, she kept saying the one time every month when she called, but we had only been down there twice in the four years she had lived there.
"I cleaned my room," Maya said.
"Great. Could you do Victor's as well?" I asked looking at the big windows in the kitchen and exhaling deeply. They needed a good cleaning as well.
"Really Mom? Can't he do it himself?"
"I have tried to tell him to several times, but I can't get his attention. He keeps looking out that stupid window at the yard. I wonder what's going on in that little head of his. He hasn't talked since this morning."
"Maybe he's just really smart and knows how to get out of cleaning his own room," Maya said before she went back upstairs.
I yelled after her. "Don't forget the bathroom! The toilet needs cleaning up there."
I received a deep moan in return.
In the middle of the afternoon the car drove up into our street. "He's here!" I yelled. Seconds later I heard Maya's fast feet run down the stairs. "Grandpa!!"
"Victor!" I called. "Grandpa is here!"
I straightened my dress and opened the door. Dad smiled widely when he saw me. "Sweetheart! You look beautiful."
I walked towards him and kissed his cheek.
"Island living certainly becomes you."
I laughed. I knew Dad was just being nice. I had gained at least six pounds since we moved into the house.
"Must be all that fresh air," he continued.
"Maybe I'm just happy for the first time in many years. The change of scenery really helped. I needed it," I said.
"I can tell. How are the kids?"
"Grandpa!!!" Maya forgot all about being a teenager again and ran towards her granddad like a toddler. She had tears in her eyes when she threw herself around his neck. "I've missed you so much, Grandpa. How are you?"
Dad chuckled. "I'm good as always dear. But more importantly how are you? Let me look at you. Hm. Seems like island living becomes you well too. You are absolutely stunning child. What is your mother feeding you?"
Maya giggled. I was surprised to see her reaction. I didn't know the two of them had gotten this close. But I knew they used to enjoy sitting in our old kitchen and chat when we still lived in the apartment. A pinch of guilt hit me in the stomach. Had I deprived the two of them a relationship by moving here?
"Victor, my boy!" Dad yelled. I turned and watched Victor come walking out the front door. He was looking down at the ground as he walked.
"Victor. It's Grandpa. He has come to visit us," I said, thinking I wasn't sure Victor even knew what was going on.
"Come here my boy," my dad said and Victor approached him.
My dad leaned down and picked him up before I could manage to tell him that Victor didn't like being touched much lately depending on his mood. To my relief Victor just laughed and Dad placed him on the shoulder and carried him inside with Maya laughing in his tail.
"Watch your back Dad," I yelled after them but knew they wouldn't hear me.
I picked up his suitcase and trotted inside after them.
37
1985
Astrid woke up when Sebastian was pulling her arm.
"Mom. I'm so hungry."
She tried to smile, but couldn't find the energy. She reached over and drank a sip of water. It had been her only food for weeks now and she was feeling the effect of it by now.
"Not now, sweetie. I'm so tired. I need to sleep."
"But Mom. You're sleeping all the time. I am hungry. Can't you find any food anywhere?"
She had checked everywhere. In all the boxes, on every shelf, under the beds even, but found nothing. It was all gone and had been for almost two weeks now. And there was no sign of the woman who usually brought them supplies. Astrid was beginning to lose hope and was starting to think that maybe it was for the better. Maybe it was best for the both of them if they died now instead of spending more time in this hell hole. Eight years had gone by and enough was enough. Astrid had started to read the bible again. In her every waking hour, that became fewer and fewer, she would try and read what her God told her, read his words of encouragement and little by little she was beginning to think that she would be better off up there, than down here, that her time here on this forsaken earth was up and she needed to move on.
She spoke to Sebastian about it. Told him about God and about Heaven that waited for the both of them, about Jesus who would take good care of them and that they would never lack anything again.
"Up there you'll see beaches as long as the eye can see. You'll see forests and even mountains, rivers and lakes. You'll get to see all that you've missed out on while wasting your life in this hole," she said.
"But ... but," Sebastian said with tears in his eyes. "But I haven't even seen this world."
"True. But up there ... oh gosh. You won't believe it. Up there you'll see splendor beyond anything you'll ever see down here. This world is evil. It's not worth spending your time on. You're lucky, in fact. You're very lucky, Sebastian, that you never have to be a part of this world. It's simply not worth it."
"But I want to," he argued with thick voice. "I dream about what is out there behind that door. I dream of one day seeing it."
Astrid sighed and closed her eyes. They had been open for too long. She was getting exhausted just from the effort of keeping her eyes open.
"Maybe you will, Sebastian," she said while drifting away shortly, then returning.
"Mom. I don't want to die in here. I don't!" Sebastian screamed hysterically.
"Not now, sweetie. I'm so tired. Mommy is so ... so ... so tired."
"Mom!! Don't fall asleep, Mommy. Don't fall asleep
again."
"Mmm ... Sure. I won't. Don't worry. Mommy will take care of it. Don't you worry, sweetie. Mommy's got it."
Astrid dozed off again, then felt someone pulling her arm hard and woke up again. It was hard to breathe. Like it was too much effort, like she didn't have the strength anymore.
"Mommy!!! You're not breathing. Please don't die," Sebastian was crying in the distance, but Astrid couldn't find the strength to open her eyes anymore, she didn't want to anymore, she didn't care about anything anymore as she drifted off into that sea of light in front of her.
She could still hear Sebastian scream behind her as she stepped towards that wonderful bright light and the voices calling her name.
See you there, Sebastian. See you when we get there.
38
2012
"I hate to leave you like this when you've only just arrived," I said to Dad and kissed his cheek.
He was sitting in an armchair by the fireplace in the living room with a book folded in his lap that he had been reading to the kids earlier. Now he had dozed off and was half asleep when I had to go.
"Pah. I'll be fine. Me and the kiddos will have a great time. Besides I'll stay all week so you'll have plenty of time to spend together." He grabbed my arm and held it tight. "Don't be like your mother. Don't worry too much."
"She hardly seems like she worries about anything lately," I said.
Dad shook his head. "Don't be angry with her for wanting to have some fun. If this is what she wants, then let her have it."
"Wow. That's really big of you," I said.
He shrugged with a smile. "Well what can I say? When you've been married this long all you want is for the other part to be happy. Besides I'm doing fine on my own. Haven't learned to cook yet, but who knows, maybe that'll come one day too, huh? Otherwise they have great takeout places in Ballerup. I lack nothing."