He nodded while drinking his coffee. "You're right. I'm trying to look ahead now and my future is with my family. It's with you and the two young ones."
I chuckled. "Not as young as they used to be anymore. The oldest one seems she doesn't need any of us anymore."
"Oh but she does. Believe me. She needs you more than ever."
I smiled and nodded. "You're probably right."
We sat in silence for a couple of heartbeats. Then he looked at me and spoke:
"If you must know, it wasn't an argument that went wrong between your grandmother and me."
"Then what was it?"
"She could be a very controlling woman. She wanted to control my life, tell me what to do and who to do it with. I had to break out of her grip, I had to turn my back at her if I wanted a life of my own. Otherwise I would be living her life and not mine. You need to let your kids make their own mistakes. You can't always keep them within your control just because you want to protect them."
"She wanted you to be one of those church people?" I asked and ate some scrambled egg. It tasted bland. I poured some salt on it and kept eating.
"Yes. Among other things. I didn't like it there and wanted out. I wanted to get away from all this all these people, away from the church and the island but she wouldn't let me. That was one of the major things. She wanted to rule my life. So one night I just left. Packed my things and left the house. Took the morning ferry out of here. I called her when I had reached the mainland and she told me that if I didn't come back right away, she would disown me. I was no longer her son and shouldn't bother coming back. She could be very angry at times and very irrational. I do believe she regretted having been this harsh on me later in her life, but she never told me. Well she let me inherit the money after all so maybe that was her way of telling me."
"What else?"
"She wanted me to marry one of the girls from the church. A good Christian girl, as she put it. I told her I didn't want to. She never approved of your mother. She wasn't good enough for me, she kept telling me." My dad scoffed. "And look at me now. Maybe she was right, huh?"
"At least it was your choice to make. Plus you had some good years with Mom."
"And we had you," he said.
I chuckled and washed the eggs down with some orange juice. I wanted to ask him about grandmother being killed in this house and what he knew, but was interrupted when suddenly I saw something out of my kitchen window or rather someone. I got up and walked towards it to better see.
"What's up?" my dad asked.
"What's he doing out in the street on his own?" I mumbled.
"Who's out in the street alone?"
"Johan. Sophia's youngest son. He's only two, he shouldn't be running around in the street all by himself, playing without adult supervision."
"Who would let a two-year-old play unsupervised in the street?"
"Exactly. His mother certainly wouldn't. Something is very wrong." I grabbed my jacket from the closet in the hall and looked at my dad through the door. "Could you stay and be with Victor when he wakes up? I have a bad feeling about this."
"Sure."
41
2012
Johan was sitting on the asphalt in the middle of the road, playing with his small toy truck when I got out to him.
"Johan? Buddy? What are you doing out here on your own?" I grabbed him and lifted him up on my arm. He continued playing with his truck on my arm making sounds with his mouth. His diaper was heavy like it hadn't been changed this morning at all. It worried me. Sophia had many kids and got overwhelmed sometimes, but I had never ever seen her leave a dirty diaper on any of her kids. This was wrong. This was very wrong.
Feeling the anxiety grow inside of me I walked quickly towards Sophia's house carrying Johan. My heart was beating faster when I saw the front door was ajar. I pushed it open and found the rest of Sophia's kids running around, screaming, yelling, crying in the kitchen and living room. The house was an extreme mess.
"Sophia?" I yelled.
I tried to shush the kids to hear if she was answering me maybe from the shower or something, but there was nothing.
Had she left them? Maybe to go get something? No, she would never. Sophia would never leave her kids home alone.
I found the oldest, Christoffer who was seven like my Victor and grabbed him by the shoulder. "Where is your mother?" I asked.
He shrugged. "I don't know."
"When did you last see her?"
"Last night?" he said.
"Last night! Didn't you see her this morning?"
He shook his head.
"Have you checked her bedroom?"
"Yes. She wasn't there."
I let go of Christoffer and stormed into the bedroom. The bed was untouched. I gasped and called out for her again and again. "Sophia! Where are you?"
But no answer. The kids were all crying now and Christoffer stood in the doorway looking abandoned. I kneeled in front of him. "We'll find her Christoffer. Don't you worry, okay? She has to be here somewhere, right?" I tried to sound convincing but didn’t think I was. Underneath my shirt my heart was beating so fast it almost hurt.
"Mommy!" one of the kids suddenly said. A little girl named Ida. She had snot running from her nose and tears in her eyes. She was in one of the children's rooms and pointing out of the window facing the yard. I stormed towards it and looked out.
There in the middle of the high grass lay Sophia. I gasped and turned to look at the children who were all staring at me like they were expecting me to magically make their mother appear in here. Ida was crying and hammering on the window.
"Mommy?"
I pulled her away and shut the curtains. "You, Christoffer. You take care of your siblings now, alright? I have to go into the yard. Make sure they stay in here. Put on a video or something."
Christoffer was tearing up, he pressed it down and nodded.
"I'll be right back, okay?"
Then I stormed outside. Oh no. Oh God, no. Please let her be alive. Please let her be alive.
As I came closer I realized she wasn't moving. She was lying still in the grass. Naked. Her body bruised. I fought my tears as I came closer and kneeled next to her. Her face was so badly beaten I could hardly recognize her. It was all swollen and purple.
"Please be alive, please be sleeping."
I leaned down and listened to her breath and put a finger on her throat to feel her pulse. It was there. It was weak, but she was still alive.
Thank God!
"Sophia?" I said. It was hard to keep the tears away. "Sophia? What happened to you?"
Sophia opened her badly bruised eyes. "Are you awake Sophia?" I cried. "Please wake up!"
Sophia's body jerked and she bent over and threw up on the ground.
"Oh God, Sophia, what the hell happened to you. Who did this to you?"
Sophia spat and blood landed in the grass. She felt her cracked lip and had blood on her fingers. I helped her get up. She held on to me as we walked towards the house.
"Do you want me to take you to the hospital?" I asked.
Sophia lifted her hand. "No," she said. "No hospital. No police."
"Why? Whoever did this has to pay."
She shook her head while we walked. Tears were rolling fast across my cheeks.
"I did this," she said. I could tell it hurt for her to talk. "I did this to myself."
Anger rose in me. "No. That's a lie and you know it!"
"Just help me get inside, will you? I need a shower. I don't want my kids to see me like this. Could you help me keep them away until I'm in the shower?"
I sighed feeling helpless. I had to respect her wishes even if I didn't agree on not reporting it to the police. I also really wanted her to go to the emergency room to be checked up. But I couldn't force her.
"Of course."
42
2012
I told the kids to keep watching the movie in the bedroom and that their mother was just in the shower and that she would be out
in a few moments.
When Sophia got out, she didn't look much better than before she went into the shower.
"That bad, huh?" she asked when she saw my reaction.
I shook my head. "Worse. Don't you think we should have a doctor look at you?"
She shook her head.
"What about the baby? We need to make sure it's alright? We need to be sure that you're alright?" I argued.
Sophia coughed. I could tell it hurt. "Well I'm not, am I? I'm not okay."
"Let me at least help you in bed. You need rest."
Sophia tried to nod, but it was too painful. I helped her into her bedroom, then put her under her covers. I went to the kitchen and made her some soup from a can, then fed her with a spoon.
"So are you ever going to tell me who did this to you?" I asked.
Sophia sighed deeply and turned her head away.
"It was Stephan, right?"
She didn't have to answer. The fact that she didn't protest told me all I needed to know.
Sophia exhaled. I gave her another spoonful of soup. She was crying. "I thought he was a good one, Emma. I really did."
"I know sweetie. He seemed really nice too." I stroked her hair gently avoiding the bruises on her forehead.
Sophia scoffed. "It was the thing with the food that ticked him off. Because we didn't want to eat his food. He got so mad, Emma. I don't think I've ever seen anyone explode like this. He was yelling and screaming at me. I thought he would wake up the kids, so I told him to take it outside. Then he hit me with something hard and dragged me outside, pulled me by the hair. I don't know much about what happened after that. But I do remember it hurt when he kicked me." She tried to look at me. "Do you think the baby is alright?"
"I don't know sweetie. I honestly don't know. You need someone to take a look at you. You really do." I was trying hard not to cry, but I failed miserably.
"It's embarrassing, Emma. You know how they talk on this island. If I call Dr. Williamsen everybody will know what happened. His secretary, Lise will make sure to tell. She never was able to keep quiet about anything. I just can't face that right now. I don't want my kids to be the trash of town, if you know what I mean?"
"My dad is a doctor. Will you let him take a look at you? I promise he will not talk about it to anyone. He's an outsider. He grew up here and knows how it all works and hates it more than anyone. Please? I'll tell him to be quiet."
Sophia closed her eyes and leaned back her head on the pillow. "Alright, then."
Five minutes later I had my entire family at Sophia's house. Maya and Victor stayed with the kids and Maya tried to take care of all of them, while Dad examined Sophia. I waited outside the door and as soon as he opened it I looked at him waiting for answers.
"It's bad," he said. "She's really badly beaten up. Who did this to her? Some boyfriend?"
"Yes. What about the baby? Is the baby alright?"
My dad sighed and nodded. "I think it'll be fine. It's still too early to say for sure, but I am optimistic. I will check in on her tomorrow, so it's good I was planning on staying, huh?"
"You are a lifesaver. You have no idea, Dad. This means the world to me. Thank you."
"You're welcome kiddo. Make sure she stays in bed and that she is careful in the coming days. She suffered a severe trauma to her head and she needs rest. All the rest she can get."
I nodded. "We'll have to help her with that."
"I guess we all need to get to work then," Dad said. "I'll help you."
"Me too." I heard something, turned my head and saw Maya standing behind me. "How long have you been standing there?"
"Long enough. I'm old enough to understand more than you think. I'll like to help Sophia out. Besides next week is fall break, so I don't have school. I'll take care of her kids with you."
I felt a pinch in my heart. I leaned over and kissed my daughter who I suddenly realized had become taller than me. I looked at her proudly.
"Let's get those kids over to our house," I said. "Lord knows we have enough room for all of them."
"What about Victor?" Maya asked. "He doesn't do well with many people around."
"Don't worry about Victor. I'll take care of him," I said.
43
1985
Sebastian was crying. Ever since his mother died he had felt so lonely. Her body was still on the bed, where she had last looked at him, last spoken to him, last touched him. He picked up her cold hand and put it against his cheek, pretending that she was stroking him like she used to.
Then he called her name. "Mommy? Please wake up. Please talk to me."
Her lifeless body looked strange and somehow these small flies had suddenly found their way into the shelter and were swarming her. Sebastian felt so alone, so abandoned and so scared. He knew about death. His mother had told him about it, but he didn't know that it looked like this.
Sebastian let go of his mother's hand and turned to watch his spiders. They were crawling around on the walls of the shelter. He grabbed one of them and played with it in his hand. He let it crawl up his arm and up till it reached his throat. He picked up another one and played with it in his hand. He glanced at his mother. He didn't like to look at her anymore, her face, yes, but not her legs.
I'm so sorry, Mommy. You know I'm sorry, don't you?
Sebastian crept up in his own bed and continued to play with his spider when suddenly he heard something. A sound coming from ... Oh God, could it really be? There it was again. Another sound. Coming from the other side of the door. The outside that he had never seen, only heard and read of in the books the lady had brought him. Could it be her? Was she finally bringing him food?
Sebastian jumped up from the bed and walked towards the iron door. He heard a rattle and a clatter just like they used to hear when the lady came with the food. It had to be her. It just had to be. Sebastian prepared himself for seeing her and telling her what had happened to his mother.
Will she understand? Will she blame me?
Another rattle and the lock was unlocked. Sebastian knew this sound and was filled with hope and joy. Finally someone came. Finally he wasn't alone anymore. She hadn't forgotten about them. The lady still remembered.
The lock was removed and the door opened carefully. What appeared once it had opened entirely shocked Sebastian in a way he would never forget. It wasn't the old lady that stuck her head in like she used to. No this was something else. It was a small girl. Her hair was braided in each side and she was wearing a purple dress. Sebastian had never seen such a beautiful creature before except in his books and kept staring at her. She smiled and waved at him. Then she spoke:
"Hi."
Sebastian swallowed hard. He didn't know if he was supposed to answer. He didn't know if she was dangerous. The girl kept looking around like she had never seen such a place before in her life. There was something about her, something intriguing, something alluring and Sebastian felt all kinds of emotions he had never experienced before.
"Who are you?" she asked.
Sebastian stood up straight thinking that in case she turned out to be dangerous he wanted to make sure she knew he wasn't going to give up without a fight.
"Sss ... Sebastian," he stuttered.
She waved again with a smile. "Hi Sebastian. You know you have a spider on your face, right?"
Sebastian felt his cheek and the spider climbed back on his hand. He looked at the girl, then reached out the hand with the spider on to hand it to her.
The little girl didn't seem as thrilled as he was with the small creature. She wrinkled her nose, then let out a scream. It startled Sebastian and he pulled his hand away. He looked behind her and spotted light coming from the open door behind her. The second door that his mother had talked about. The one leading out to the ... leading outside.
The girl kept looking at him. "Do you want to play?" she asked.
That was when Sebastian remembered what his mother had once told him.
If the door opens and you
have the chance, you run. Do you hear me? You run, Sebastian. Run all you can, don't let anyone stop you. And don't talk to anyone, don't tell them who you are or where you're from. Do you promise me that, son?
Yes Mommy.
"Yes, Mommy," he repeated now standing in front of the girl.
"What?" she asked, but Sebastian didn't hear her. The alluring light coming from the big outside pulled him forward, as he sprang towards the girl and pushed her aside. She let out a small shriek as she fell to the side and Sebastian sprang for the door. He pushed it all the way up and was blinded by the strong sunlight that he had never seen before. But he was able to see enough to run. So he did, Sebastian sprinted across the yard and behind him he heard a male voice calling:
"Emma? Eeemmaaa? Your grandmother is coming back from the hospital now. Her car is pulling up now. Where are you Emma?"
44
2012
I'm standing in front of a boy. I have never seen him before. He has a spider on his face. I'm asking him to play with me. I'm four years old and visiting my grandmother for the first and last time in my life. The boy doesn't want to play with me. He runs away. My dad is calling. I go back to the house and get ready to greet my grandmother. I tell him I saw a boy in the yard. He tells me to not make up stories. My grandmother's car is driving up into the driveway. She has been in the hospital for three weeks. Broken hip and she needed a replacement. She gets out of the car and walks up towards me leaning on her crutches. I am looking forward to talking to her, after all she is family, my grandmother, my dad's mother. She must be happy to finally see me, but she's not. She is angry. She yells at my dad. I feel angry, I yell at her to be nicer to my dad, then she turns and yells at me. She calls me a brat.
"We never should have come," my dad says and pulls my arm. "Nothing has changed."
I woke up bathed in sweat. It was morning, but still early. None of the kids were awake. I was panting heavily.
It was just a dream, I told myself. But I knew it wasn't true. It happened. I had this dream over and over through my childhood. Suddenly I remembered. Suddenly I recognized it.