“No,” he shouted, rapping his knuckles against the glass. “I’ll sit out here and keep knocking if I have to. That’ll really piss you off.”
“You would.” Asher grumbled as he pushed himself up. Gabe couldn’t hear him, and he took a minute to gather himself together. He didn’t have to let him in; he’d get bored of waiting eventually. However, if he wanted to find out how Emma was doing he’d need to speak to Gabe. He’d been to the hospital.
Asher’s chest ached when he thought of her—recalled that state she’d been in when they’d smashed the window. He doubted he could ever close his eyes again without seeing her.
He wrenched the door open. “I won’t be needing you for a while. You can go back to the shelter.”
“Not a chance,” Gabe said as he pushed through the gap between Asher and the door frame. “You need someone and Priss can’t be here, so I am. Now put the kettle on. I need a brew. It’s already been a long day.”
“It’s best if you leave me alone.” He shut the door, resting his back against it. “I have too much going on up here.” He tapped his temple.
“And that’s why you need me. Otherwise you’ll shut everyone out. I get it. Being on your own while you have heavy stuff going on isn’t good. We both know that. I hate to go all female on you, but you should talk about it. Get it all out.”
Asher rolled his eyes. “Like you did, you mean?”
“Don’t you see? That’s how I know what you should do. I messed up by keeping secrets. I confided what I could to Priss though. And you should too. Ash, look at you. You’re a mess without her next to you.”
“She doesn’t need me to scar her any further.” He looked down at his swollen knuckles. “I did what I vowed never to do. I’m saving her the heartache.”
Gabe barked a laugh. “Hero, aren’t you?”
“Watch your mouth.” Asher glared at him in warning.
To his credit, Gabe stood his ground. “You’re taking away her choice. That’s not saving her. That’s being a coward. Go and see her. She doesn’t think you did anything wrong. Well, expect maybe taking it a bit too far. She knows you were protecting her.”
Asher’s shoulders sagged, his legs giving out as he slid down the door and sat on the shop floor. “I won’t risk hurting her.”
“You won’t. Remove what you did and think about the circumstances. You have to look at it a bit clearer.”
“It’s hard when I’m the one with blood on my hands.”
Gabe walked around the counter and picked up the broom. “We’ve both tried to deal with things alone. That hasn’t gone well for either of us. It’s time to make different choices, Ash. Maybe we should choose a different path this time?” He turned his back and started to sweep the glass up, leaving Asher to his thoughts.
Chapter 26
Emma
Emma winced as she pulled herself out of her father’s car. As she stood up straight she clutched the door, her ribs disputing the movement. She shouldn’t have discharged herself from the hospital. The doctor had wanted her to stay another night. So did her father for that matter, but there was only one place she wanted to be.
The boarded up window at the front of Asher’s shop saddened as much as it distressed her. The shop had been a happy place, holding many memories of her evolving relationship with the man she loved. She’d attempted to call Asher on five occasions in the last two hours. Not once did he pick up. Not even when she’d used her father’s phone so that he didn’t know who was calling. He was obviously laying low. She refused to let him hide away from it. And she refused to let him deal with it all alone.
“Maybe I should go and talk to him first?” her father said as he closed the driver’s door.
They’d been over this, and he didn’t appear to want to drop it. Emma just scowled in his direction.
“It’s an option. He could be upset.”
She grasped his unspoken words, not liking his thoughts at all. “He won’t hurt me, Dad. I’ll be fine.” Fluttering her hands, she shooed him away.
“I’d much rather wait out here.”
“I could be a while.”
“And you could be five minutes,” Jonathan pointed out. “Emma, I’m not leaving you here.”
“Dad, I’ll be—”
Jonathan shook his head, and she knew there would be no point arguing. “Fine. Whatever pleases you. But I’m not rushing because you’re waiting out here.”
His response was a raise of his eyebrows and tilt of his head. She muttered to herself as she walked to the shop door and knocked three times. It was clear someone was inside; she could hear them, and yet no one answered. Emma knocked again. There was definitely music playing, punctuated every now and again by the rumble of a voice. Given the way her stomach flip-flopped she realised the voice could only be Asher’s. Nevertheless when she banged on the door again, there was still not response.
“Are you getting back in the car then?” Jonathan asked.
“No,” she replied firmly as she turned back to face the door. “Asher, I know you’re in there. Open the door.” When the door remained closed, she decided there was only one way in. “Asher, I need to sit down. I should be resting, not standing out here shouting at you while I’m still in pain.”
The music stopped.
Emma felt a little guilty even though it worked. The guilt was washed away by a wave of happiness when the door opened. Gabe grinned at her. “Hey, Priss. Sorry, I didn’t hear you. I was singing along to the music.”
“Hey, Gabe. Can I talk to Asher?”
He looked to the floor, shifting uncomfortably on his feet. “Um, he…”
“I know he’s here. I heard him.” She exhaled. “Let me in, Gabe.”
His brow furrowed as he debated. She took the choice from him when she pushed her way through the door and passed him. Pain lanced through her side and her gasp echoed around the book shop.
“You okay?” Gabe asked, placing his hand on her elbow and easing her down onto a chair. She clutched her ribs; each inhalation fired new shards of agony along her torso. “Where is he?”
Gabe looked up at the ceiling. “He’s trying to stay away from you. He thinks you deserve better.” Bringing his gaze back to her, he added, “He thinks he’s snapped and can’t be fixed.”
“Bullshit.” She smirked as Gabe’s eyes widened with surprise. “He’s perfectly fine with you, isn’t he?”
“Of course.”
“Then why the hell does he assume he’s going to hurt me? He’s not totally wrong though, he did snap but we both know why.”
Gabe shrugged. “I’ve told him that. He isn’t listening.”
“And that’s why he sent you to the door? Decided to hide upstairs until you get rid of me?”
He agreed, moving away from her to pick up a bottle of water. He offered it to her, placing it on a bookshelf when she refused. “Asher didn’t think it through though, did he?”
“Or he knew you wouldn’t send me away.”
Gabe pointed up to the ceiling. “You know where he is.” He helped Emma to her feet. “Just go easy on him. His head’s messed up. Knows what he wants but doesn’t think he should have it.”
“Then he’s being stupid.” Before making her way upstairs, she turned back to Gabe. “How are you doing with all this? You’re not blaming yourself, are you?”
“I guess. I dunno. It is my fault really. When you look at it.”
“Not when you see it from my point of view. Will isn’t your responsibility. His actions don’t reflect on you.”
“I hear you, Priss. Someday soon I might start believing you too.”
Acting on instinct, Emma enveloped him in a tight hug. “Don’t let the bad stuff change you.”
Gabe hugged her back, although he kept his arm lose around her waist. “Is that why you’re so nonchalant about what my brother did to you?”
“Just because I’m not on the floor sobbing doesn’t mean I’m not upset. My father would say I’m avoiding
dealing with it. I’d say I was choosing to channel my energy elsewhere.”
“Asher,” he said, letting his arms drop to his sides.
“Not him specifically. You’re included. I’m focusing on the good things. Asher, you, and my job.”
“But he beat you up bad, Priss.” He grimaced. “How can you forget that?”
Emma swallowed down the rising bile as she recalled the night in question. She stared at Gabe, refusing to look at the destruction left in the shop. Her blood was still mixed in with the shards of glass and fallen books. “I haven’t. I won’t. I’m sure it doesn’t surprise you that I tend to focus on others before looking after myself. I’ve had a friend who I took care of for years. It was only when Asher pointed out what I was doing that I analysed it all. It made sense then why I work at the shelter. Why it’s so important for me to help all of the kids there. Right now I’m dealing with yours and Asher’s confusion and hurt. Mine will come, and hopefully you two will be there to help me.”
“Without a doubt. Go to him. Help him. Whether he admits it or not, he needs it.”
“I know. Thanks for coming here. I appreciate it.”
Emma turned and walked toward the stairs. Ascending them ached, and she gripped onto the rail, using it to pull her up each step. Each slow movement higher had her gasping, and when she reached the top step she took a moment to wipe the sweat from her brow. The exertion had really taken it out of her, and for one small moment she accepted that her father was right—she should be at home in bed.
She would heal, although she wasn’t so sure about Asher. He’d been through a great deal in his life and this would give him yet another reason to shut himself away from people. She hoped he wouldn’t do that to her.
Emma knocked on the door, listening to any sound of movement. Knowing he was in the flat didn’t help, because if Asher was hiding she couldn’t exactly kick the door down given her current state. Besides, the man was beyond stubborn.
“Asher, it’s me. Please let me in.” To her utter shock to door opened right away. He hadn’t waited to greet her. In fact, Asher was already walking toward the kitchenette, his back to her. The atmosphere was strained. He kept his back to her, filling the kettle with water while she loitered near the open door. “Gabe let me in,” she said, knowing it was a stupid statement.
Asher hummed and turned the kettle on. He didn’t face her, and she noted his knuckles were turning white from the grip he had on the counter.
“I came here to talk to you.” When he didn’t respond, she continued, her tone growing brittle. “Came here from my hospital bed. I had to know you were okay, but if you’re going to ignore me then I’ll leave. My father’s waiting.”
Her heart crashed hard against her chest, the rapid beat making her dizzy. Being harsh right now was her only plan to get through to him. His invisible wall of protection was well and truly up. Asher was replicating what she saw on a daily basis at the shelter.
This was a response she knew how to deal with, and determined to stay strong she turned, ready to leave.
“Can I make you a hot chocolate?” he croaked out.
It took every ounce of strength she had not to rush to him and wrap her arms around his waist. Instead, she walked into the flat, closing the door before she sat down on the couch. Even after she sat down her head spun and sweat still coated her forehead. Distracting herself from the aches and muscle fatigue, she watched Asher as he moved around the kitchenette. He still hadn’t looked at her, leaving her struggling to cope with his rejection.
“You should still be in hospital,” he said gruffly as he reached over to hand her a mug. Finally his gaze met hers, and the mug was flung across the room. “Fuck!”
The mug hit the wall, splattering hot chocolate and shards of ceramic over the paintwork and floor. His roar of anguish echoed around the flat, and Emma shrunk back when he moved closer to her. In a complete contrast to the anger radiating from him, the hands that reached up to cup her face were tender and gentle. His eyes bore into hers, his jaw tight and harsh. His hands shook when he spoke. “Look what he fucking did to you, angel. Look at you.”
The first tear fell onto her cheek. “I’ll heal. I’m coping with that. What I’m not coping with is you. Shutting me out and hiding here isn’t helping me. It isn’t helping you either.”
He swiped away a tear with his thumb. “I’m not good for you. This is what happens when you’re around me. You’re better—”
“Better than what?” Anger surged within her, lacing her blood with its hot intensity. “Better than you? Asher that’s ridiculous given that William Dearing had nothing to do with you. He came into my life because of my job, not you.”
“He hurt you.” His fingers flexed on her face.
“And you’re hurting me by blaming yourself. Shutting yourself away from me isn’t helping.”
Asher touched the bruising around her eye, as well as the cuts that had been stitched near her eyebrow. “You’ll have scars.”
“Then we’ll match. Unless that idea disgusts you.”
“Why the hell would it disgust me? I have my own. What I mean is, that animal has left his mark on you forever.”
“And you should know that scars only show the path we’ve walked. It doesn’t show anyone the journey I’m taking.”
Asher fell silent as he appeared the mull over what she’d said. So many questions bubbled inside her, though she couldn’t bring herself to ask them just yet. This tiny moment of calm, with his hands on her was exactly what she’d longed for. “Asher? Why did you stay away?”
Dropping his hands, he put some space between them and sat on the coffee table facing her. Only their knees touched. “Since I’ve met you I’ve had issues with emotions.”
“I would argue that you’ve had them long before we saw each other again.”
Asher nodded and carried on speaking. “I’ve had so few things in my life that mean as much as you do. Other than Ike and my father I’ve never loved anyone, and look what happened to each of those.” He gulped. “When I saw you on the floor, covered in blood I lost my senses, and Gabe seems to think I lost my mind for a while too. I was driven to protect you, and to get vengeance for the damage he’d already caused.”
Emma was stuck on Asher’s first sentence. She replayed it over in her head as hope began to smoulder. “If you care then why would you turn your back?”
“Because my feelings for you make me volatile. I won’t be like those men my mother hooked up with. I’ve fought too hard to be different.”
“And you’ll keep fighting. But you’re not like them.”
He reached between them, linking their fingers. “I could go to prison for what I did to William.”
“My dad—”
“Isn’t a miracle worker, Em. I can’t deny that I beat him up pretty bad. Your father can’t argue that point. It’s a fact.”
“He’s working on it. He promised me.”
“Then I’m sure he’ll do his best.”
He didn’t believe that. She could tell by the way he dismissed her comment. “Asher, don’t ignore me. It’s not fair.”
“I don’t know what to do with you,” he said honestly. “Whenever things have gotten bad before people have bailed.”
Suddenly, she understood. “And that’s what you were doing? Bailing on me because that’s all you know?”
He shrugged. “I was never any trouble for Ike. I never wanted it to be so bad for him that he’d have no choice but to kick me out.”
“So you’re trying to get rid of me before I do the same? Asher.”
“But then you turned up and I knew I didn’t have the strength. Any conviction went out of the window.”
Emma wasn’t as convinced. “So how long before you push me away again?”
Dropping his head, he groaned. “Life’s going to get ugly. I’m on bail, Emma.”
Feeling the rejection brewing from him, she pulled her hands from his and tried to stand up. Asher stopped he
r by gripping her hips.
“I haven’t finished.”
“I don’t think I want to hear the rest.”
He looked up at her, his brown eyes making her heart melt. “You will. I can see you’re tired, Em. Sit down, please?”
Using her arms to brace her, she lowered herself back down onto the couch. “Before you start, I have to say this. I love you, but I’m not going to keep up with this. We’re either together or not. You can’t keep running away when it gets difficult.”
“But I like running, angel,” he said through a crooked grin.
“Well, I’m in no shape to do the chasing. Or to clean up that hot chocolate mess.”
“Forget the fucking hot chocolate. I want to tell you I’m sorry for being a fuck up. I want to be so much better for you. I should be because you deserve someone better.”
“You keep saying that.”
“Because I want it to be true.” He stroked her bruised cheek.
“So make it true. Stop running away and be the man you want me to have. Just so you know, I only want you. Not some imaginary bloke.”
His brows furrowed. “How can you say that after what I did?”
“Asher. Get over it. I know what you did was overkill and it was wrong, but you had your reasons, and your reason was me. You have to start dealing with your past and how that affected you.”
He moved to sit next to her, placing his arm around her shoulder. He exhaled when she rested her head against him. “I sort of have. I spoke to my mum. Lost it with her and finally said what I had to.”
“And did you feel better afterward?” she muttered.
“Yes. And I’ll feel better finally saying the words I need to.”
“Huh?” she asked, looking up at him.
“I kind of said it before but you missed it. Now I’m saying it properly. Emma Carnes, I love you. I’m sorry I’m fucked up but as you don’t seem to mind, I guess that’s okay. I know you’re my one. No one else would put up with this crap.”