My eyes found his. I knew it was bad by the look in his eyes. "What happened?" I demanded as he joined me.
"We don't know. All we know is that Mac and Bentley were in an accident. Jill is on the phone with the hospital now," he said, reaching for my hand.
Ice buckets of water cascaded over me. Time stood still as I digested his words. They couldn't be true. We'd already survived one horrific accident. We couldn't be here again.
Twenty-Two
Jill hung up the phone with tears streaming down her cheeks. Time sped back up as everyone moved into activity. Purses were found, keys were grabbed. We left the house as a unit, separating into our cars to make the journey to the hospital. Jill didn't tell us much before we left the house. All she knew was that Mac and Bentley had been involved in a multi-car pileup on I-4.
It was all so familiar. The only difference was the perspective. Before, I'd been inside looking out, now I was on the other side looking in. Both perspectives sucked major ass as far as I was concerned.
"You okay?" Brian asked, following the line of cars out of the neighborhood.
"I feel like I'm one step from freaking out. I'm not sure I can handle this," I answered, raising my knees to my chest. I felt weaker than I had in a long time.
"You can and you will. We've all done it before." His hand clutched the steering wheel in a death grip.
I nodded. He was right. After all, he was living proof that survival was the only option. At times it was easy to forget exactly what Brian had lost, and even harder to imagine what he must have gone through. I reached over, pulling his hand from the steering wheel and lacing my fingers through his.
We drove the rest of the way in silence, both of us too tied up to find the words to express how we felt.
The hospital was unusually quiet when we stepped through the ER doors. The silence mocked us, teasing our senses into believing all this was a nightmare. Brian and I stood off to the side in a cluster with my parents and his as Jill and Chris headed to the front desk. My heart cracked a little for them as I saw their shoulders droop and the frantic looks on their faces. They'd been here before. They'd stood hopelessly by waiting to hear about the fate of their only daughter. It wasn't fair they were here again.
Mom must have sensed it too. She left our side and wrapped an arm around Jill as a nurse checked on the status of Mac and Bentley. Jill seemed to wilt as soon as Mom put her arms around her. I could hear her sobs across the waiting room and they felt like darts to the chest. Each one more dangerous than the last. I couldn't believe Mac wouldn't be okay. I'd just seen her yesterday. She'd been thrilled she was able to make it across campus without the use of her cane. She'd practically glowed with excitement at hitting such a significant milestone. She had to be okay.
Jill's sobs pulled us in like a beacon. We moved forward, lending the limited support we could. Nothing we could do would truly give her the support she needed. The only person capable of that was somewhere beyond the swinging doors.
We watched those doors, waiting for the nurse to return. Willing her to hurry to know what this moment was doing to all of us.
I was on the verge of taking matters into my own hands. I could push through those doors easily enough and find the answers we were so desperately seeking. Before I could do that, the doors opened toward us and Mac was there. Shaky and bruised, but she was there, alive and whole in front of us.
Jill let out a cry that could have pierced a dog's eardrum and rushed toward Mac, enveloping her into a hug that suggested possible strangulation. Mac returned it with her own tears streaming down her face. After a moment she pulled out of Jill's embrace.
"Bentley is in surgery. He stopped breathing on the way to the hospital." Her voice broke as her eyes sought me out. I pulled away from Brian and moved toward her. My feet felt like I was walking under water trying to get to her. They willed me to flee the other way. I knew what Mac was feeling. I'd been in her shoes a lifetime ago. I couldn't bear being there again. It would be so easy to leave, to hide away from the pain, to avoid the hurt. I'd done it before. I could do it again. This was the very reason why I'd hidden from the world for so long. I'd promised my heart I would never compromise it again.
But I didn't leave this time. Instead, I gathered my friend into my arms and gave her the only thing I could—me. She wept against me, worried and scared. My own tears joined hers as I kept her wrapped in my embrace. How long we stood there I didn't know, but I would have stood there a lifetime if need be.
Eventually our group was hustled to another room to wait to hear from the surgeon. Bentley's own family was there, and we understood the fear they felt. As the hours ticked by, our group slowly dispersed until only Mac, Jill, Zach, and I remained. Mac had tried to tell Zach he could go home, but he stoically sat by her side, holding her hand. My heart wept at the sight. Zach and I knew how Mac felt, and we were terrified for her as we waited for the outcome.
Bentley's father paced the room while his mom sat on Mac's other side. Every so often she and Jill would talk, but most times the room was cloaked in silence. Even Bentley's sister was silent in the far corner of the room. She had earphones in her ears and the hood of her hoodie drawn up over her head, but every so often I watched her hand sneak up to swipe away a tear.
It felt weird to be on the other side of an accident. My mind conjured up other images. Images I'd never seen but I could easily believe were true. A larger group than this in a similar room waiting to hear the fate of six high school graduates. I could picture Dad pacing much like Bentley's father was while Mom sat sandwiched between Jill and Patricia. Did Patricia, Trina, and Gloria sit by Mom offering their support after they'd learned of their losses, or did they leave soaked in their own grief? I wondered who held Jill's hand when doctors told her that Mac's leg had been crushed into nothing or who stood by Gloria when doctors told her Zach was paralyzed and would spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair. I could now see the fatal flaw in our group. We'd been so closely knit that when tragedy struck it hit all of us.
I glanced over at Zach, wondering if he was struggling as much as me. His face was a mask, unreadable and hard to decipher. I envied his ability to hide his feelings, wishing I had that power at my disposal.
Brian showed back up with Mac's father, Chris, before the sun went down. They were both carrying trays of coffee and bottled water. They offered them to Bentley's family, who took them gratefully. Neither of his parents took a sip. It was as if they'd taken the beverages so they'd have something to do with their hands.
Mac refused a coffee, standing up instead. She looked at me for a moment before heading toward the door. I stood and followed without hesitation. Mac waited for me right outside the door, tears streaming down her cheeks.
"I don't want him to die, Kat," she cried. "Do you think I'm selfish? You didn't want to lose Dan and he died. Zach loved Tracey and he lost her, and yet all I can think about is how unfair it will be if Bentley dies."
"It will be unfair," I said fervently. "Dan's death was unfair and so was Tracey's, but that doesn't mean you should also suffer. I don't want him to die either, Mac. I feel like my heart will finally implode once and for all if he dies, and he doesn't even belong to me. You don't deserve this."
Mac sniffled, walking slowly down the hall. "I thought you'd hate me if you knew what I'd been thinking the last few hours. I felt like the most selfish person in the world."
"You know what I was thinking?" I asked.
She looked at me but continued walking.
"All I can think about is how awful it must have been for our parents that night. How hopeless they all must have felt. All of them had a stake in that accident, which meant they couldn't lean on each other for comfort. It's the one fatal flaw of our group."
She nodded, drawing her lower lip in between her teeth. "What's the alternative? Divide our group?"
I shook my head. "Is it wrong that I couldn't imagine it any other way? I don't know what I would have done without all
of you growing up. My best memories are tied so tightly around the past we all shared. I feel like we were the luckiest kids ever. We got to go on vacations, spend holidays and birthdays together. All of you knew me better than I knew myself. Despite all the pain the last two years, I wouldn't change a thing."
"Besides getting into the SUV that night," she added.
"True. I'd definitely redo that."
"I used to torment myself with the what-if game. What if I wouldn't have insisted we spend grad night driving all over the place? What if I wouldn't have paused getting into the car that night?" she mused.
We turned when the hall ended and headed back the way we'd come. Our footsteps faltered when we spotted a doctor heading into the waiting room. Mac's hand gripped mine. I laced my fingers through hers letting her hang on as tight as she needed. Whatever happened from this moment on I would be there for her. I would not leave her again.
"He lost a substantial amount of blood. We were able to repair some of the internal damage, but we weren't able to save his spleen," we heard the doctor say as we pushed into the waiting room. "It's going to take some time for him to recover, but I don't see why he won't make a complete recovery. He'll spend the evening in ICU, and we'll re-evaluate his condition in the morning during rounds," he added.
"He's going to be okay?" Mac choked.
I slid my arm around her shoulders, holding her up.
Bentley's doctor turned toward us. "He's going to be okay," he said, smiling at her.
"Thank you, Doctor," Bentley's dad said, shaking his hand while Bentley's mom silently wept in her chair. I glanced over at Bentley's sister and saw she'd lowered her hood, revealing a face that was deathly pale and glistening with tears. My eyes moved to Zach, who had dropped his head into his hands with relief. This is what the other side looked like.
My own tears nearly choked me as I swallowed them back. I promised myself that later when I was all alone I would give them their chance. I was afraid if I gave them free rein now I wouldn't be able to pull them back in. For this reason I kept my eyes averted from Brian, afraid the emotions I was bottling up would bubble out of me like a can of shaken soda. Later I would tell him all the conclusions I'd reached. Later I would lay it all out there.
We stayed with Mac's and Bentley's parents until he'd been moved to ICU and they'd gotten a chance to visit him. Bentley's mom lied and claimed Mac was Bentley's fiancé. Two years ago Mac would have run for the hills if she'd been associated with a title like that. School and job came first. Marriage would be something she'd do once she was established in her career choice. Now, though, Mac practically beamed at the fake title, and I couldn't help wondering how far off it was when that title became a reality.
"How is he?" I asked Mac.
Tears filled her eyes. "He looks rough. He has so many tubes coming out of him, I was afraid to touch him. But he's alive," she said, smiling through her tears.
"He's alive," I agreed, giving her a tight hug. "And you'll be here for him. You'll be a pro at helping him recover."
"True. His mom told me he used to be a bear when he was little and got sick. I think she's happy to hand the nursemaid duties off to me."
"She seems to like you a lot. I didn't miss the fiancé comment."
A blush streaked Mac's cheeks. "That was just so I could see him."
"I noticed you didn't seem to mind the title all that much. There was a time when the word marriage would have broken you out in hives."
She smiled again. "It's amazing how things change," she said as Bentley's parents came back into the waiting room.
I gaped at her but didn't comment as she winked at me.
"Kat, are you ready to head out?" Brian asked, appearing at my elbow. "I told Zach we'd give him a ride. If we fold his wheelchair, it should fit in the back."
I nodded, giving Mac and Jill one last hug. The atmosphere in the waiting room had shifted ever since Bentley's doctor came. It was amazing how a little positive news could change so much. I was so relieved the news had been good.
We were a silent group as we left the waiting room and headed down the elevator. I suspected we were all spent from the emotional toll the night had taken on us. Zach and I had gotten a firsthand look at the suffering our families had gone through. I wondered if Zach was thinking about how easy it could have been for our families to receive the devastating news on us. Was he thankful our families had been the ones to receive the good news? Brian and his family hadn't been as lucky. They knew what it felt like to receive tragic news.
The car ride was as silent as our departure from the hospital had been. When we arrived at Zach's I waited in the car while Brian helped get him in his chair. Zach waved at me as we pulled away and I returned it with a smile, though I wasn't sure he could see it in the dark.
I expected Brian to start talking once we were alone. I felt like there were a million things we needed to say to each other, but he surprised me by turning up the radio and making any kind of conversation impossible. I didn't mind the noise. It allowed me time to sort through my thoughts and get them in order. I knew what I wanted to say to him, but I didn't want to blurt them out and dilute their meaning. I could wait to say what I needed to say. The words would keep.
Twenty-Three
I must have dozed on the drive home. I closed my eyes for only a moment and the next thing I knew Brian was switching off the car in front of my building. I sat up, yawning.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep," I said, climbing from the car.
"That's okay. Tonight was an emotional endurance. You were great with Mac." He sounded as if my behavior had been a surprise.
His shock stung a little at first, but I had no leg to stand on. Time and time again I'd proven my selfishness by running away. It was only natural everyone would expect me to do it again when times got tough. I would have to prove to everyone I'd changed. Starting with Brian. Once we got into my apartment, I would show him.
"It was scary being on the other side," I answered, avoiding his implication.
"I think it's scary being on either side," he said, holding his hand out for my keys so he could unlock my front door.
"It is. It makes you want to lock your heart away so it never gets broken again."
His eyes clouded over at my words. "I understand," he said, pausing in my doorway.
"You understand what?" I asked.
"I understand what you're trying to tell me. I don't need to be hit over the head with it. I could see it on your face all night long."
He was talking in riddles. I had no idea how to make sense of what he was trying to say. By his stiff posture it was clear he was upset about something, but I didn't have the faintest idea what I'd said to upset him.
"What are you talking about?" I asked, tossing my purse on the couch.
"I'm talking about your heart. You don't have to spell it out for me. I get that you don't want it to get damaged again." His words were rough. I could tell he was holding back. I had the feeling he wanted to shake me, convince me to take a chance. He had it all wrong.
"Tonight was rough," I said, approaching him. I reached for his hand and gently tugged on it so he was in my apartment. I closed the door and locked it before turning back to him.
"I know it was," he said. "I get it."
I shook my head. "No, I don't think you get it all. When your brother died, I thought I would surely die too. I believed there was no way the broken parts of my heart would ever fissure back together. I'd lost the love of my life that night, and I swore I would never experience that kind of pain again."
Conflicting emotions skated across his face in rapid succession before settling on resigned panic. He opened his mouth to say something, but I placed my finger against his lips to halt the words before he could utter them.
"But tonight I watched Mac fall apart and I realized that if I was in her shoes, I'd be willing to take the risk. I don't want to be afraid of falling in love because something bad might happen. Closing myse
lf off from love won't save my heart. I miss being in love. I miss caring about others and telling them I love them. Most of all, I miss living. I will always love your brother, but tonight I discovered the love he and I shared had been eclipsed by a new love. A different love. A love he and I were never given the chance to mature into."
The panic lifted from his face as his hands found my hips. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?" he asked, pulling me closer.
"That depends," I teased. "What do you think I'm trying to say?"
His eyes were serious, wiping the smile from my lips. "Kat, do you love me?" he asked.
"I do."
"I need to hear you say it before I'll believe it."
"Brian, I love you. I love you more than I thought would ever be possible again. I've always loved you. You're my best friend, my confidant, and the man who now holds my heart. I'm terrified of losing you, but I would suffer a lifetime of heartbreak for one hour with you. Does that scare you?" I asked, wondering if I was revealing too much too soon.
"The only thing you could ever do that would scare me is leave me. I loved you my whole life, Kat. I loved you when we were only friends. I loved you even when my brother loved you and there was no way you'd ever be mine. I loved you when you were broken and had given up on life." He crushed his mouth to mine, sealing his declaration.
My once broken heart swelled with so much emotion at his words I truly believed it would burst.
Brian's arms swept under my knees. He held me against his chest, never releasing my lips. He carried me to my room where he showed me without words all the ways he loved me. We'd both been hurt and we both had survived. We would now take the journey together.