Pulling up to Kimber’s house, I was slightly less than shocked by all of the cars parked outside. The only one that was a bit unusual was the car with two stickers on the back that said “I’m only here because my server is down” and “My other ride is a TARDIS.”
I wondered, as I entered the loud and dimly lit house, if Tawny had already done whatever horrible thing she was supposed to do to Parker. I almost hoped that she had so that I wouldn’t have to witness it and feel terrible.
Without the distraction of Parker, I could start on operation “Topple Tawny.” Originally I had called it “Operation Push Tawny Off Of Her Stupid Pedestal And Make Her See What It’s Like To Be Ruthlessly Ridiculed And Picked At,” but that title was too long.
And possibly a little creepy.
“Good, Reagan’s here,” I heard Tawny’s all-too-familiar voice say right beside me.
I turned to face her, my new enemy, and couldn’t help but flinch at how gorgeous she was.
So untouchable and fierce.
I was hoping that I had just made her out to be some perfect person in my mind, but she really was every bit as beautiful and frightening as I had remembered. It stung a little, seeing her standing there smiling at me even though I knew what she had done.
I could also smell her cotton candy perfume, which only reminded me how much Zane’s room reeked of that stuff and how I should have put two and two together. But I was the new and improved Reagan now. I wasn’t going to let some silly thing like nerves get the best of me. I was going to beat Tawny.
“You look awesome,” she said, surveying me proudly and nodding her approval. “I so wish I had your back. It’s like, movie star perfect,” she added, running a finger down my bare spine and making me feel special for a moment.
Just one moment, though—before I remembered what a life-ruining psychopath she was.
Her red lips curled up at the corners as she looked at me. She really did remind me of the devil sometimes; all subtlety, glamour, and deviousness.
“I don’t even need to tell you how perfect you look, of course. Who even has a body that flawless?” I asked rhetorically, finding it much easier to play along now that I really knew the truth about her. “So, where’s our little target?” I asked with a wicked grin in her direction.
Playing along was easy, but having to steamroll Parker to do it was going to be tough.
“Oh, don’t worry, Kimber’s already laying the trap,” she answered slowly, letting her eyes wander over to a dark corner of the living room where Kimber stood way too close to Parker, whispering something to him.
I could tell he was nervous by the way his brown eyes were widening. Even in the dim light I could see him blush.
I felt suddenly defensive of him, like I wanted to go over and protect him from whatever was coming, but I kept my resolve firm and stayed still, grinning as if I didn’t feel like a horrible person.
“What is she doing?” I asked, pretending I really wanted to know because I was excited, not because I was hoping I could stop it somehow.
“Asking him to meet her in the closet down the hall in five minutes,” Tawny informed me gleefully, quite happy with her plan. “Once he’s in there, she’s going to lock the door so he can’t get out. It’s loud enough in here that no one will hear him banging on the door until long after the party’s died down. Then she’ll slip the key under the door and bolt,” she finished triumphantly. “So perfect, right?”
“Her parents’ closet locks?” was all I could say to the horrific thing I had just heard.
“They don’t trust the maid,” Tawny answered with a wave of her hand, as if this were an obvious concept.
“This has to be your most brilliant plan yet,” I said, wrinkling my nose up at her conspiratorially.
Wow. I was actually a much better actress than I thought, since what I really wanted to do was rip her hair out and push her down a flight of stairs.
“I know, right? I’m glad you said that because I was starting to think you were backing out on me for a minute there,” she said, jutting her hip out to the side and posing like she always did.
I saw Kimber walking up to us and Parker leaving the room, a scared but possibly excited look on his face, and I wondered fleetingly if he had actually ever kissed a girl before.
“Like you ever have to worry about me going soft,” I reassured her easily, rolling my eyes at the very thought that I could possess a conscience.
“Phase one, complete,” Kimber said happily when she reached us. “And phase two,” she began, pulling a key out of her pocket, “initiated.”
“I’m surprised she even knows what that word means,” Tawny said dryly as Kimber walked out of the living room to go lock Parker in the closet.
“Idiot,” I agreed, matching Tawny’s unimpressed tone.
Being Tawny was much easier than I had expected. All I had to do was say every mean thing that came to my mind. It was like living without a filter. Of course, the only reason I could keep this up was because I knew there was an end in sight. Being this awful every day would be exhausting.
Over the next hour I laughed with Tawny and the other members of The Squad over the stupid little inside jokes we had accumulated over the years. I had watched Kimber a bit too closely when she rejoined us, taking note of the fact that she dropped the key to the closet in an expensive looking vase on an end table.
“I wonder why Zane isn’t here yet,” I said to Tawny, keeping my voice disinterested and neutral.
“His car got smashed up yesterday; I think he’s getting it fixed,” she said automatically. I caught an emotion I had never seen flash through her eyes the second she realized her mistake.
“Wait, his car got smashed up? How? When did you hear about that?” I asked in mock shock, quite enjoying watching her squirm for the first time in her life.
Unfortunately, my pleasure was cut short, since it took her all of two seconds to regain her composure.
“Some guy on the soccer team told me about it when I was trying to get him to come over. He said he had to help Zane with his stupid truck problem,” she lied easily.
I guess when you had been practicing your whole life, it was easy to make up lies on the spot.
Throughout the night, I managed to mirror Tawny’s behavior and play my part expertly. My thoughts, however, where stuck in a closet with my poor guildie. I tried to ignore the guilt I felt over Parker’s current predicament and I started to panic, wondering if he could breathe in there. The poor boy had been stuck for over an hour already.
Finding the perfect opportunity when Tawny was tangled up in some other boy from the soccer team (who I wasn’t dating), I slipped over to the vase, plucked out the key, and snuck into the dark hallway without anyone seeing me. If Tawny ever untangled herself, I could just say I had gone to the bathroom.
Standing outside of the closet door, I was struck by how silent it seemed to be inside. Had Parker passed out because there was no air? What if he was dead and it was my fault for not warning him just because I was trying to be covert?
I considered sliding the key under the door and running back to the party, but that would be even worse if he was passed out and I locked the only key to the stupid closet in there with him.
Taking a deep breath and trying to convince myself that this was a good idea, I quietly unlocked the door and peeked inside, assuming I could use the excuse that I thought it was a bathroom. What was it with me and bathroom excuses?
A small sliver of light fell across Parker’s face in the otherwise darkened closet. His eyes were closed, his head resting against the wall. He was sitting on the floor of the closet and I instantly jumped to the worst-case scenario, even though I could clearly see his chest moving up and down. He had fallen asleep.
Not sure of what I should do, but also not wanting to be caught releasing the prisoner by The Squad, I stepped into the closet and closed the door behind me, locking it from the inside.
It took a moment for
my eyes to adjust, but once I could see relatively well, I sat on a dusty old box across from the boy I knew so well through the game, but not at all in real life. It was weird to be this close to him—to actually see him in the flesh. I hadn’t noticed from my lunch table how sharp his cheekbones were, or the fact that he didn’t look like the greasy, unwashed nerd I thought he was.
I sat in the darkness for a moment, staring at him and trying to come to grips with the fact that this was the same person I had told so many secrets to and spent more time with than any boyfriend I had ever had. It was a weird and kind of sad realization.
“Parker?” I said tentatively into the darkness, hoping that if I whispered he wouldn’t recognize my voice.
He didn’t respond to my quiet question, so I reached my hand out and tapped him on the shoulder. He jumped and instantly grabbed my wrist, causing me to let out a little shriek, which I quickly stifled with my free hand.
Parker stared at me in the darkness but didn’t say a word. Confusion passed over his face, then recognition, then annoyance.
“Nice party. I’m really glad I came so that you guys could torture me more,” he said angrily, releasing my wrist and slumping back against the wall, looking anywhere but directly at me. “I really don’t understand what your problem is. How is this even fun for you guys?”
He had presented me with a question I couldn’t answer. It wasn’t fun. Not for me, at least.
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly.
And I was. I was so sorry for the fact that Tawny had gone after Parker with more fervor than she had ever attacked someone before. I was sorry that I had let her torment him. And I was sorry that I was too insecure to tell him who I really was—his best online friend.
“You’re what?” he asked, finally looking at me, his face a perfect mask of skepticism.
“I’m sorry,” I repeated, not too proud to do at least one thing right.
“I don’t believe you,” he answered with narrowed eyes.
I couldn’t blame him.
“I brought this for you,” I said with a shrug, holding up the key to the closet door like a peace offering. “Don’t tell them I let you out,” I added quickly, still whispering in an attempt to mask my voice at least slightly.
He stared at me for a moment longer, the anger still not gone from his eyes.
“They didn’t send you in here?” he asked.
“They’d probably tear me to pieces if they knew I came,” I answered honestly, imagining the look on Tawny’s face if she could see me right now, locked in a closet with a nerd.
“So you’re different than them?” he asked, the irritation leaving his face and being replaced by interest.
“No,” I answered honestly.
I may have been nicer than them, but the fact that I went along with whatever Tawny did meant that I was no different from her. I was a passive-aggressive version of the devil herself.
“But you want to be?” he pressed.
I knew what he was doing. Ever since he had brought up the possibility that I might be different in the game, he had been romanticizing me as some pretty girl who secretly wanted out of her life, and he was going to be the hero that helped her achieve her goal.
Unfortunately for him, I didn’t have a heart of gold. Even though I wanted to be a nicer person, that didn’t mean I didn’t have mean thoughts and tendencies. Ugly thoughts. I did want to be a better person, but I didn’t know if I was capable of it.
I wasn’t brave enough to face high school without the shield of popularity.
I didn’t answer his question. Instead I just shrugged and looked down at my very exposed legs, feeling slightly uncomfortable in my short skirt for the first time ever.
“I think you’re better than them,” he said finally, after we had sat in awkward silence for some time. “You didn’t pour your soda on me.”
“How did you know that’s what I was going to do?” I asked, forgetting to mask my voice for a moment and instantly regretting it when he gave me a curious look.
“It was pretty obvious what you were supposed to do,” he explained. “But thanks for not doing it. I know it doesn’t mean anything to you, but that book was really expensive.”
I stopped myself before I could tell him I already knew how expensive the book was, because I desperately wanted the same one on my shelf. Instead I stared at him, lost in the feeling that someone could actually think of me as a good person.
Before I could really think about what a stupid thing I was about to do, I slid my butt off the dusty old box and let my knees hit the floor in front of me. I grabbed Parker by his shoulder and pulled him up so that he was no longer sitting on the floor, but was mirroring my position—and then I did it. The stupid thing I shouldn’t have done.
I kissed him.
I kissed the nerd in the muffled darkness of the dusty cramped closet. And I enjoyed it, which was probably the worst part of it. I wrapped my arms around his neck and his hands shakily found their way to my bare back.
I didn’t really let myself think about how much this was going to confuse him—or me, for that matter. I didn’t think about the fact that he’d want to talk to me about what all of this meant. And I definitely didn’t think about how Tawny would run me over with her car if she saw this. Instead, I just kissed him breathlessly and with more passion than I had ever kissed my stupid, shallow boyfriends.
I pulled back after a few minutes and stared at him, wide-eyed. I was shocked by what a good kisser he was and had to bite down hard on my bottom lip to keep from kissing him again.
He stared back at me too, stunned into silence. His thick-rimmed black glasses were askew and his brown hair was a complete mess from how many times I had run my fingers through it. As ridiculously stereotypical as it was, his mouth was even hanging open in shock, and I let out a little giggle over how shocked he seemed to be.
I could still feel his hands shaking on my back as the guilt began to wash over me. I guess this whole incident proved that I really wasn’t a good person deep down. I was just as horrible as Tawny. Obviously Parker and I weren’t ever going to work out as a couple, so I’m pretty sure kissing him was nothing more than me leading him on. Who knew how long he was going to wonder if I was just a good person trapped in a bad person’s life?
I had definitely done a bad thing, giving him hope like that. I wasn’t nice and I couldn’t change, and now he’d spend his time thinking I could.
And yet part of me wanted to tell him everything. I wanted so badly to tell him that I was actually Xandris, and that I wanted to be a good person instead of the life-ruining snob I had somehow become.
But I didn’t.
Instead I just placed my finger over his lips as he opened his mouth to speak. I pressed the key to the closet into his free hand and then stood up.
“Please don’t tell anyone. Please.” I pleaded before sneaking out of the closet and running to my car, trying to escape the confusion Parker brought into my life.
I’d have to make up some excuse to Tawny on Monday about why I left the party without telling her . . . One that didn’t involve me kissing a nerd in a closet.
I brought my fingers up to my still-tingling lips as I sped away from Kimber’s house. I definitely shouldn’t have kissed Parker. I knew that it was wrong, but why, then, had it felt so right?
10. Intentional Fizzle
“Do you have a hangover?” I heard my annoying little brother ask from the foot of my bed on Sunday morning. “Because if you have a hangover, that means you’ve been drinking alcohol and you’re not old enough to drink alcohol,” he recited, as if reading this from some parenting brochure.
“Get out of my room, Cannon,” I grumbled, pulling a pillow over my head.
“It’s one o’clock and you’re still in bed.”
“It’s one o’clock and you’re still in my room after I told you to get out,” I countered grumpily, trying to kick him away.
He just rolled out of the way of my
feet, proving to be better than me at yet another thing.
Wonderful.
“Did you drink at that party?” he asked again, though I wasn’t sure where all of this was coming from. Maybe Mom had put him up to it.
“Ugh, no, I don’t drink. Now get out, you little monster!”
“Touch your finger to your nose,” he instructed dutifully.
“Get out!” I yelled, finally removing the pillow from over my head and chucking it at him full-force.
He dodged it easily, of course, and ran out of the room yelling, “She’s clean, Mom!”
“Brat,” I muttered as I rubbed my eyes and sat up.
The sun was streaming through my bedroom window and it took me a minute to remember all of the events of last night. I may not have had a hangover from alcohol, but I definitely had one from stress.
My dreams that night had been overrun with thoughts of Tawny trying to murder me. And then there were the dreams of Parker—the ones I tried desperately to forget but couldn’t deny no matter how much I tried.
I had kissed him.
And enjoyed it.
And a big part of me wanted to kiss him again.
How could I have been so stupid? I wasn’t going to date him, and I definitely wasn’t about to quit The Squad so that I could prove a point or something. The whole idea was ridiculous.
It was a shame Parker wasn’t on a sports team. At least then I could plausibly be with him without ruining the years I’d spent weaving my carefully constructed disguise of popularity, however fake that popularity might be.
But as it stood, I’d just have to relive my one moment of kissing him over and over in my head until I finally reminded myself what a bad idea that had been.
I glanced over at my silent computer. The screen was black and my headset was sitting on the desk, just asking to be used. Normally by this time on a weekend I’d be neck-deep in gaming mode. As it was, we had a raid at two and everyone in the guild was probably already freaking out about the fact that I wasn’t logged in and making my way to the meeting point.