We were beyond that, weren’t we?
“I’ll give you my cell number,” I said, diverting over to the small whiteboard on the wall next to his drawing station, scribbling my number on it. “Will you call me if you need someone?”
“Elle... ” he warned, herding me toward the door.
“Okay, I get it, but I’m not leaving it here, you know that right? I’ll be back later.”
“Elle... ” he repeated, but I cut him off. I stepped close to him, cupping his cheek with my hand and looking directly into his blue eyes.
“I will work out the enigma that is Jonah Quinn.
You can’t hide forever.”
I didn’t listen to his protests, simply kissed him on his lips and left his apartment. I didn’t want to see the denial as it contorted his features and tried as best I could to focus. I needed a plan, a way in, because I was not about to let him get away. Something inside was screaming at me to save him, and it couldn’t be overlooked. I could see for myself that he needed someone; I would be that person. So with my mind made up, I went back to my apartment, knowing I wouldn’t sleep.
I had a name and a medication or two to Google.
I tried to sleep, but having been awake for more than twenty-four hours, I was now beyond tired. I tossed and turned, pushing and tugging my duvet every which way, all in the hope of getting comfy enough to soothe myself to sleep.
It didn’t work.
It was obvious comfort wasn’t my problem.
Eventually, I gave up and climbed out of bed with a huge groan. I pulled on a large, slashed neck sweatshirt and some shorts, before meandering into the kitchen to brew some coffee. It was days like this that I was glad my job wasn’t your typical nine to five. Today would have been a sick day. Meow followed, jumping up onto the kitchen counter and purring. He glared at me, waiting until I paid attention to him.
“Feeling left out, Puss?”
His tail flicked in answer as he nudged my hand with his head.
“You’ll have to wait. Coffee comes first.”
He continued to purr and rub himself along my arm as I poured the ground beans into the coffeemaker. I grabbed a mug from the shelf and placed it onto the counter, flicking through a magazine while I waited for my coffee to brew. The world would seem a much better place when I was caffeinated. When I heard the spluttering of the machine, I sighed, thankful it was done. As I began to pouring it, my phone rang. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone, but answered it anyway.
“Where the hell have you been?”
“Good afternoon to you too, J.J.”
I moved into the living room, slumping onto the couch, after placing my hot coffee onto the small table.
“I’ve been worried!” I rolled my eyes, pleased that she couldn’t see me. “Eli and I came back into the bar, but some friend of Jonah’s said you’d both gone. I’ve been trying to call you since midnight.”
“Well, now you have me. Calm down. I’m fine.”
“So how did it go? Did you guys make up?”
I exhaled deeply into the receiver, then I told her about the roof, the rain, and the amazing time I’d had with him up there. She’d wanted to know everything, but I grew quiet, not sure if I wanted to share the events of his breakdown with her. My need for reassurance outweighed anything else, and I began to tel her the truth of the aftermath.
“Elle, he doesn’t seem too stable. You should really leave him alone.”
“Thanks for the concern,” I replied drolly.
“However, I thought you liked a good mystery.”
“On TV, sure, but the reality is rather different.
What do you know about this guy, other than the fact that he knows how to get you off? Oh, and that he’s rather temperamental.”
“J.J... ”
“No, Elle,” she interrupted. “It worries me that this guy wrecked his apartment while high, on Lord knows what, and then gets you to care for him while he’s coming down. I think you need to tell him to leave you alone.”
“I can’t,” I said, my voice quiet as I hugged my knees to my chest.
“Figures. You always loved a good sob story. Can you at least promise me one thing?”
“Yes?”
“That you’ll be careful? And I’m not just talking condoms, okay?”
There was a slight lift to her pitch, and I knew she was backing down. She was a good friend. She was only concerned. I’d feel the same about her if the roles were reversed. J.J. was just somewhat more assertive with her opinions than I was.
“I will. I’ll call you later. I want to check out a couple of those meds that Jonah had in the medicine cabinet.”
“You do realize that he could have just involved you in his scam, right?”
I frowned even though she couldn’t see me. I had considered that, but then, I hadn’t told her about the possibility that Jonah wasn’t actually Jonah. If I’d confessed that piece of information, she would have been relentless in her search for the truth.
“I’m positive it’s not like that, J.J. The pills were prescription. I’m sure he’ll tell me in time.”
“So his impression of a wrecking ball didn’t put you off?”
“Maybe I’ll wish it did, but right now I think he needs a friend,” I answered.
“Friends don’t have sex, Elle.”
“Thanks for pointing that out,” I sneered. “And on that note, I’m hanging up.”
“I’m on a job tomorrow, some new designer.
Catwalk, blah, blah, but call me of you need me.”
I settled for a short goodbye and ended the call. I rested my chin on top of my knees and gazed around the room. I’d never really felt lonely here, but right now every bone in my body ached with it. I didn’t understand It. Maybe it was the longing for a connection; a connection like I thought Jonah and I had, or maybe I was finally homesick.
I’d become complacent after the months passed and homesickness never hit me. Perhaps now I was paying the price.
I moved to pick my cell back up, intending to call my Mom. I just wanted to hear her voice, but the noises coming from Jonah’s apartment stopped me. My heart reacted to the sounds, giving a double beat in recognition. I listened to the creaking and heavy footfall, anticipating another rampage, but the sounds never grew any louder. It seemed as if furniture was being pushed around. I wondered what he was moving. I turned all the furniture upright before I’d left, moving them into the spaces I could remember them being in before, but it appeared I’d gotten it wrong. I tried to convince myself that he was just placing his belongings back in their correct places. Regardless, I couldn’t get rid of the uneasy feeling I had about his current state of mind.
Meow pounced, jumping onto the couch next to me and glared in my direction.
“I’m not going,” I denied as if he’d spoken.
He continued to stare at me.
“No.”
When he nudged my hand with his nose, I picked him up, feeling his purr rumbled through his lithe body. I lifted him, his face in front of mine, his body sagging like a rag doll.
“I won’t. Jonah needs to be left alone.”
He meowed. It was the cat equivalent of “Go!” Or at least that was what I was telling myself as I pushed my feet into a pair of flip flops and grabbed my keys. I closed the door and walked to the stairwell. I was up the first flight when I realized I still had Meow tucked against my side.
“What am I doing, Puss?” I asked, mocking myself for talking to my cat, and yet continuing to climb the stairs to Jonah’s floor.
I exited the stairwell and walked up to his front door. My heart was beating so fiercely that I could feel my pulse throbbing at my wrists and neck. My mouth was dry, and my hand trembled as I reached up to knock on the wood.
A curse came from inside, before the door inched open. His blue eyes pierced mine, aggressive for a fleeting second, and then softening once he recognized it was me.
The sides of his mouth lifted in a sma
ll smile, easing my anxiety a little.
“Hi,” I grinned nervously.
“Um, hey.”
He pushed the door all the way open, stepping back to allow me entrance into the apartment. He looked like I felt: exhausted. I had to force myself not to reach out and touch him. Glancing around the room, I could see he’d pushed the pieces of furniture back in their places and had started tossing the broken or damaged items out onto the fire escape. His black wife-beater was soiled with streaks of dust and dirt, and his hair was sticking up in random spikes where he’d pushed his fingers through it. I fought the need to smooth it.
“Meow wanted to see how you were,” I blurted out, comprehending how lame I sounded.
“Meow did?”
“Sure,” I replied, deciding to go with it I already looked somewhat foolish.
I was rewarded with a low, throaty chuckle, before he reached out and stroked the cats head. “Well, buddy, I’m doing just fine. Though I appreciate the thought... and the visit.”
With each sweep of his hand across Meows head, his fingertips skimmed my arm. I didn’t need to look at the skin to know it had broken out in goose bumps. It was taking every ounce of strength I had not to move closer to him.
“Are you really feeling better?”
Jonah gestured for me to take a seat on the couch. I perched on the edge, setting Meow on the floor.
We both watched him as he padded around, sniffing the air and rubbing his back against the furniture.
“I should really be asking about you,” he rasped. “I think I scared you.”
“You did, but I’d rather hear how you are than discuss what I’m feeling.”
“Funny,” he snorted. “Because I feel the very same way, but I know I’ve got to give you something. You must be very confused.”
I nodded, wishing I hadn’t set Meow down. I needed something to distract me. Petting Meow would have done that. Jonah appeared calmer than I thought he would be. I assumed he’d be on edge, or at least cautious about me arriving here, but he looked just like he had most mornings by the mailboxes.
Shy and incredibly attractive.
“Do you trust me, Jonah?” I questioned.
“I don’t trust anyone,” he answered.
I appreciated his honesty, but the declaration sent a chill down my spine. What had happened to him to cause such caution and doubt? I briefly considered that J.J. could be right; that I should be running in the other direction.
Instead, I moved to sit next to him. He gripped my hand tight and gave me a slight smile.
“You can trust me. I know telling you that isn’t really confirmation, but you’ll see.”
He didn’t deny that. It was like a silent plea for me to continue. Jonah needed me, even if it was only for friendship. He wouldn’t open up though, I couldn’t do this alone.
“I could have Googled those meds, you know, but I didn’t. Do you know why?”
“Because it was obvious what they were for?” He snapped.
I wasn’t shocked. That was how this man functioned. Whenever I got too close he erected a wall of anger, however this time I wasn’t buying it. So I remained silent, and raised my brows in response, waiting for him to back down and give me a proper answer. He exhaled, tracing a pattern onto the back of my hand with the tip of his finger before giving in.
“You want me to tell you what they are for, and why I need them. I know that, Elle. You’re the first person I’ve ever considered doing that with. It’s just going to take time. I hate the fact that I’m basically asking you to prove yourself before I can confess my sins.”
“Sins?”
“Nothing illegal. Don’t panic,” he laughed, relaxing the mood in the room. “Thanks again for taking care of me.”
“Stop thanking me, Jonah. I wouldn’t have left you.”
He closed his eyes for a moment, and took a sharp breath, mustering the courage to speak to me.
“I stopped using my real name when I was seventeen. I had to leave my family and haven’t ever been back. I’m Jonah now – have been for a long while, and that’s the way I liked it. Until I saw you.”
My mouth fell open, but I couldn’t find the words.
“The first time I saw you, you were standing at the mailboxes, still breathless from your run. The skin on your face and chest was pink. Your hair was falling out of its tie. I was stunned and stopped just to stare at you.”
“When?”
“I could tell you the date, but I doubt it’s of any significance to you. Just know that you stopped me in my tracks, and I’ve been mixed up since then. You’ve distracted me for some time. I used to wait until I could see you coming back from your run before I’d go down to collect my mail. In fact, thinking about it now makes me seem somewhat creepy.”
“No more than me. You know I used to wait down there? I’d do stretches until you showed up,” I responded sheepishly.
Jonah chuckled, surprising me when he brought our joined hands to his lips and kissed my knuckles. He looked at me, waiting for my reaction, but all I could do was grin. Whenever our eyes met everything else disappeared.
We had no past, no baggage, it was just us.
“I guess this is the start of something.”
“I guess so.”
He leaned in and kissed my knuckles again, escalating my blood pressure and causing my voice to lower to a sultry whisper.
“You really left home at seventeen? That’s amazing to me. I was petrified coming here. My Mom still begs me to come home. Wow, did you really wait for me?”
“Yes, Elle, you captivated me,” he exhaled. “I’m going to try and explain it all to you, but it could take me some time. I have no right to ask you to enter into something that you know nothing about, but I hope you want to. I’ve never had an experience like I had with you on the roof. I don’t mean the sex, Red, I mean just being with you and feeling so free. I had no worries.”
“I can’t make it all go away,” I urged.
“I know. I really do, but for once, I feel positive.”
I retreated a bit, removing my hands from his and tried not to let his hurt expression get to me. We needed to talk about this. Honesty was the only option. I wasn’t the kind of person that could start something and not be completely on board.
“You’re putting a lot on me already. Do you see that?”
“I’m trying not to. I’m trying to make it clear that there are parts to me that will take time for me to reveal, but I’ve only ever wanted to explain them to you. No one else.”
I took a moment, needing to regroup and consider every aspect of this, but I only kept coming back to one thing, one person. Jonah. I liked him, I felt drawn to him and couldn’t imagine going back to a time before him.
“Can we go back a little? Just be friends and see where it leads us? Maybe then you’ll see I can be trusted with whatever haunts you.”
He cringed, but reached out for my hand again.
He linked his pinkie into mine, and my heart melted. It was cute, like a teenager with their crush. I was powerless.
“Want to go on a date, Red?”
I grinned. “As long as it’s not to one of your gigs, yes.”
He enveloped me in a hug that threatened to cut off my air supply. His vulnerability surrounded me, bringing tears to my eyes, as he whispered thanks into my ear and clung tighter.
“Dinner? Or... Tell you what, you just get dressed up. I’ll surprise you.”
He looked so happy, and even though I was smiling, I clarified, “We have a long way to go, Jonah. A hug, kiss, and a dinner date doesn’t make a friendship.
Truth and honesty do.”
He nodded, and picked up Meow. “They say cats are good judges of character, right? Well, Meow here likes me. He’s virtually been living up here for the past month.
So, I can’t be all that bad, can I?”
“He just goes wherever there’s food,” I chuckled.
“He loves my neighbor, Mrs. Kindle
because she’s always feeding him,” I tried to reason, but knew my argument was as weak as his.
“So... ” he stammered. “Did you really come here to see how I was?”
“Yes. I wanted to look at those cuts on your side.
You should have had sutures.”
Jonah brushed my comment off with a wave of his hand but tugged up his wifebeater anyway. I hissed at the sight of the raw, shredded skin.
“I’ll get some more peroxide. I think you’ll have to be really careful if you’re not going to see a doctor.”
“Yes, nurse,” he teased as he stood up and walked into the kitchen. “Your bedside manner leaves a lot to be desired.”
I giggled as I waited for him to return to clean the cuts again. Our conversation remained light, avoiding the obvious. I was determined to know more, though. He wouldn’t be able to evade this conversation we needed to have, forever. When he was ready to let his guard down, I’d be there to prove that he could trust me.
No matter what he had to hide.
I spent the whole day fretting about our date. I tried to work; I had deadlines to meet, but I couldn’t concentrate.
My head was swimming with thoughts of Jonah. I’d opened another window on my browser, intending to look up the meds or perhaps his given name, but I wanted him to explain everything to me. I wanted him to trust me enough to divulge his past. He was hiding from something, maybe someone, that much was obvious.
I understood his reluctance to share such personal information with someone he didn’t know very well. We had, without a doubt, gone about this relationship backwards. It was time to return to the beginning and allow a slow, natural progression. Then we could build something, because right now I wasn’t sure what we were.
I growled in frustration and pushed my chair away from my desk. My eyes were dry and itchy from staring at the monitor, so I slipped on my glasses and padded into the kitchen. I poured a cup of coffee and looked up at the ceiling when I heard footsteps.
Jonah was home.
I hadn’t talked to him about our date, so all I knew was what he’d told me last night – to dress up. I tried not to think about it, because I didn’t want to get excited then have him let me down. That left me here, an hour before he was due to arrive, still unwashed and wearing the oldest clothes I owned. I couldn’t ignore it anymore; Jonah wasn’t calling this off.