“Lanen?” I called again. She did not respond as I closed the door, and I knew could not approach her. I was beginning to learn the Attitudes of the Gedri, and Lanen’s especially. There is a set in the shoulders, a something in the tension of the back even under her shift, that speaks as loudly as words and warns off even a husband from a tooswift approach. I “listened” for her mindvoice and heard nothing.
I addressed her in truespeech, for my heart’s fears threatened to break through the fragile calm I had imposed on them. “Dearling, forgive me, but I fear for you. Rella told me a Healer had been to see you but that you are not yet well.”
I listened in the dark and the quiet and heard only the faintest response. As though from a great distance I heard her calling in truespeech, longing, desperate, lost.
“Akor! Akor! Help me—oh sweet Lady, help me—”
I had her in my arms all in a moment, comforting her with mind and voice and holding her tight to me. “Lanen my heart, I am here, I am here,” I repeated. Senseless, I know, she knew perfectly well that I was there, but it seemed to be the right thing to say. She held on to my arms with all her strength and I did not hear her breathe for the longest time, when suddenly between one breath and another she shook me off and stood up. She began to pace the room, her arms crossed before her, her bare feet shaking the floor as she stamped her anger on the boards. She was breathing as though she had run a race.
“Akor—the Healer said—I can’t—”
She stopped pacing and stared at me, holding her arms tight round her chest, shaking. “Akor, I’m pregnant. And the Healer said—the Healer said it’s killing me. That’s what’s been wrong with me, why I can’t hold down food, why I’ve been so tired and swollen and had a headache for so long.”
I felt the world’s fool, but I could not help it. “Forgive me, dearling, I know not that word. What means ‘pregnant’?”
“I am carrying our child,” she said quietly.
I was very glad that I was sitting down, else I would have fallen. “What, already?” I said stupidly.
“Yes, already,” said Lanen, annoyed. “How long did you think it would take? We’ve been lovers for nearly four moons!” She cracked a little at that and managed a small smile. “And making good use of the time, as well.”
“Dearling, you have taught me much, but of the getting of younglings in this body I know nothing. It takes us years to conceive, and the younglings grow for the best part of two full years before they are born.”
“Oh Hells, Varien, I’m sorry. I forgot you really don’t know,” she said, coming slowly to where I sat. “We can conceive after just one encounter, and we give birth nine moons later.”
“Nine moons!” I cried.
“If all goes well. And it isn’t.” She stood again and wrapped her arms about her. “Varien—the Healer said I was warring within myself, that—that it would be better if I could lose the child. And she said”—Lanen started pacing again, striving to speak past the tightness in her throat—“she said it would be as well, that my body knew what it was doing, that it was”—her throat closed again, but she managed to speak through it, her voice rough—“in case it wasn’t—in case it was so ill-made it wouldn’t live anyway.”
That was it, that was the terrible thing past. I sprang up and caught her as her strength left her at last. She wept for a moment in my arms, allowing me to see her weakness as I held her to me. In Lanen that was an intimacy as deep and vulnerable as physical nakedness.
I lifted her tenderly in my arms and laid her gently on the bed, and she sat up against the pillows. I laid the blankets over her bare legs and sat down beside her.
“Lanen, kadreshi, your pain is mine,” I said, stroking her hair, surprised at how tight my own throat was, “for this child you carry is mine as well as yours.” I gazed deep into her eyes. “Dear one, if the Healer is right, what must we do?”
“No!” she cried. “No, I don’t believe her! She tried to get rid of it without telling me, in any case, and couldn’t.” She sighed and put a hand on her belly. “I’m glad she couldn’t. She doesn’t know about you. Of course it is difficult for the babe.” She laughed, harsh laughter through her anger, and said as quietly as she could, “Name of the Winds, Akor, it’s got half a Dragon for a father, of course it’s going to have a hard time being born.”
“Could it be as simple as that?” I asked, stunned. “But surely if I have the form of a child of the Gedri, I am of the substance of the Gedri as well!”
“Are you so certain?” she replied. “You stopped that sword with your arm the night the barn burned, and you were only cut.”
“A cut to the bone, and it still aches,” I said.
“Akor, if you were a normal man you would now be onearmed if you were alive at all. I saw that bastard, he was huge. And don’t forget what you did to the pell—I find it hard to believe that a man of your build could be so strong.”
“What has build to do with it?” I asked, confused. “This form I was gifted with is light but very strong, muscle and bone, and—”
“Just like dragons. I’ve wondered how in the world such vast creatures manage to fly at all. It shouldn’t be possible, unless you have wildly strong bones, hollow like a bird’s, and muscles many times as strong as a man’s.” She paused, looking at me. “And if you are made still of the same stuff, only in the form of a man—sweet Lady—no wonder the Healer couldn’t help you! And poor Jamie’s pell!”
She was excited now, her anguish gone, her eyes sparkling in the dim candlelight. I love that spirit in her, that will not surrender to despair.
“Varien, that must be it! You are still in many ways one of the Kantri—your form is changed, but you are made still of the same stuff, and”—she glanced down at her belly, suddenly solemn—“and that is what is wrong. That’s the war, it must be. This child is—oh Shia—”
Both her hands covered her mouth, as if she were trying to recall those words. I bespoke her, thanking the Winds and the Lady for truespeech.
“This child is what, Lanen?”
In reply I heard an echo in her mind, her memory of a voice I never thought to hear again—Rishkaan, who died half a year ago, speaking what were nearly his last words when Lanen stood trial before the Kantri.
She would mingle the blood of the Kantri and Gedri! Her children will be monsters, the world will, fill with Raksha-fire and none to stand between because of her!
I took her by the shoulders and shook her. It made her angry, but it got her attention. “Stop it, Lanen! You are guessing. You know none of this as fact. All that you know for certain is that you are ill with this pregnancy.” I managed a laugh, though it was not much of one. “Name of the Winds, dearling, if I were truly of the substance of my old people you would know dreadful pain when we joined in love, if indeed you survived it at all! Be reasonable. The seed of the Kantri would not quicken one of the Gedri, it could never happen. Rishkaan spoke from his hate, dearling. Do not be foolish. It cannot be.”
She closed her eyes for a moment, hearing my words for the truth they were. She relaxed suddenly and sat again on the bed. “You’re right, thank you, of course you’re right. It just couldn’t happen.” She looked up at me, her eyes bright in the dim candlelight. “But I am having trouble with this child.”
“Yes.” I grinned. “I think we have come around to where we began. The question before us—before you—is, what is to do about it?”
“The—the Healer said we need to find a Mage,” she said. “Fast:”
“Then that is what we must do. Where should we find such a person?”
“They live all over, there might even be one here in Kaibar, but the school that trains them is in Verfaren. But that’s not the worst of it, Varien,” she said quietly. “She said I had to find a Mage very quickly or I’d die of this child. Verfaren is three or four weeks away.”
A vague idea had begun to form in my mind. “Lanen, do not fear it. There is always a way.”
She stared at me, but I did not dare speak of what I was thinking. Not yet.
“In the meantime, am I correct in thinking that Mages are simply very strong Healers?”
“In general, yes,” said Lanen. “That woman was only a Healer of the second rank. Mages are more than twice as powerful. Maikel was a Healer of the third rank and you saw what he could do. Mages would be called fifth rank if they could be called anything, but after the fourth I gather that their gifts differ in kind, not just in ability.” She frowned. “I would guess there would be someone around here who can help, Kaibar’s a big place and trouble in pregnancy isn’t all that uncommon.”
“Then let us seek out a Mage, my heart,” I said. I had caught some of her hope, and combined with the mad thought that had occurred to me, I dared to think that both the child and Lanen might live yet.
Lanen stood and shrugged on her clothes. “Let’s get down to dinner and ask Rella, or the innkeeper. Someone is bound to have some idea where we should look.”
The smells rising from the common room as we came out of our room were delicious. Lanen clattered down the stair with more energy than I’d seen from her in weeks, and the small grain of hope that had been planted in my heart sent a tiny green seedling into the light and the air.
The variety of foods that the Gedri have created from simple ingredients has never yet ceased to amaze me. There was a thick vegetable soup and a slab of nutty brown bread with it, then a roasted ham served with some kind of root vegetable I had never seen—when Lanen told me it was called “parsnip” I laughed aloud at the sound of the name—and potatoes that had been magically transformed into a fluffy white mush. They were delicious. I was delighted to see Lanen eating heartily. She had lost so much flesh as we travelled, for the food we had carried was intended only to sustain on a journey and after the first se’ennight or so she could not keep it down. The Healer had done good work, however, and for the moment at least Lanen seemed much better. She was still far too thin, but her cheeks were no longer sunken with constant pain. The seedling grew another tiny leaf.
Rella was pleased at Lanen’s recovery as well, and seemed almost surprised to see her. “Are you feeling better, my girl?”
Jamie frowned over at Lanen. “Yes, I heard you had a Healer in, lass.” He looked long at her.”About time, too. You’re too damn thin and I know fine you haven’t kept a full meal down for days.” His kind eyes belied the gruff words he spoke.”And you’ve been such a pest this last se’ennight I’d guess you must have been in a lot more pain than you said. What did the Healer have to say?”
Lanen
For the first time, for just a moment, I knew the joy that I had always felt was the right of one carrying a child. “I’m pregnant, Jamie.” I grinned at him. “If I live through this, you’re going to be a grandfather.”
Bless him, his face lit up like a fire in midwinter, and he leapt up from his bench to embrace me, laughing. “You horrible child, are you in such a hurry to make me an old man?” he said, delighted. “How wonderful! Ah, Lanen, I’m so pleased for you.” Then he realised that both Rella and Varien were still looking fairly grave. “And so,” he said soberly, sitting down again. “‘If I live through this,’ you say. You needed a Healer, all is not well. Tell me.”
I sat down and told him what the healer had said. All of it. “But I’m not finished yet, Jamie. I feel so much better now! My stomach isn’t heaving, I don’t have that damned headache, and my back hardly aches at all.”
“Where are we to find a Mage in this town?” he asked.
“My job,” said Rella immediately. “The girl’s not going to fall over this instant, and I know a place I can go tomorrow where I can learn all I need.”
Jamie started to object but I laid my hand on his arm. “I’m not daft, Jamie, and I have no intention of dying. If we cannot find a Mage here, we must find a way to get swiftly to Verfaren, that’s all.”
“It’s three weeks, best speed, my lass,” he said heavily.
“Well? I’m no weakling, Jamie. I can do anything for three weeks. Besides, there are Healers along our path, are there not?”
“Yes,” said Rella dryly, “but probably not as many as you’ll need.”
“I have managed this long without one, I’m sure I can last between one Healer and the next.”
“It’s too damned far,” said Jamie sharply. I was surprised and stared at him. He glared back. “You have only just managed to get here, Lanen,” he said. “You will not be able to ride nearly so far, especially if you are unwell with this babe. We should think about finding a safe place to stay.”
“No,” I said. “Hideous as that woman was, she was right in one thing—Verfaren is the best place for me to be with this child.”
“Hells’ teeth, Lanen. Have you forgotten what else is in Verfaren?” he said, his voice little more than a whisper. It barely carried to me. “Berys the Bastard, Berys Child-killer is there. The one man in the world you need to avoid, and he is squatting like a toad in the one place in the world you need to be.”
“Then we must ensure that we bring a Mage to Lanen rather than taking her there,” said Varien quietly. “Surely, there is somewhere near enough to Verfaren that Lanen need not enter the city itself.”
“Well spoken, lad,” said Rella. Varien looked surprised at being called “lad,” but seemed to take it in good part. “It’s true, there are any number of little villages where we could take shelter and simply send for a Mage. We’ll have to get a damn sight closer, but at least we don’t have to go into the bastard’s very clutches.”
“I still don’t like it,” said Jamie.
Rella turned full to him. “Neither do I, Master, not at all, but we all must dance when demons pipe.”
Varien turned to me, his eyebrows lifted. “What in all the wide world does she mean by that?” he asked plaintively in truespeech.
I laughed. It felt good to laugh, to let go the fear and the gloom even for a moment. “She means that sometimes life pushes you into a corner and you are forced to do something you would not choose to do otherwise,” I answered aloud, smiling. “As long as we don’t draw attention to ourselves, we should be able to creep in under his nose and creep out again when all is done.”
Jamie looked doubtful but Rella nodded. “There’s a good chance, in any case, that I’ll be able to find a Mage here in Kaibar,” she said. “Just you take it easy tonight, my girl!”
I laughed. “You have my word of honour,” I said.
“Taken and bound,” she replied with a smile. “I’m off tonight, I’ll see what I can find out.”
“Off where?” asked Jamie gruffly. “We just got here.”
“Wherever I wish to go,” she said, turning to him and laughing. “There is no more I can do for Lanen tonight. I have not been in a city for nearly three moons now, and though I can trail along back roads and through forest and field with the best, I am a daughter of Sorún at heart. Kaibar is only second-best but it will have to do. And I need not answer to you, Master Jameth,” she said lightly. “I found myself a different Healer and I’ve had my back seen to. I too feel better than I have since before midwinter, and tonight I am going to enjoy myself.” She grinned, and there was a mischievous light in her eye that I had never seen before. It suited her. “I will see you all tomorrow. I assume we are staying tomorrow night as well?”
“We have seen no sign of pursuit,” said Jamie very quietly, “and both we and the horses will be the better for the rest.”
“Fine. I’ll see you here tomorrow afternoon. Tell them to keep dinner for me,” she said to me, rising and putting on her cloak. “It’s the best food I’ve had in ages and I don’t want to miss it.”
I grinned at her. “Have fun, Rella,” I said. She caught my eye and we laughed, leaving the men to wonder what on earth we were laughing at.
I adore Varien, and Jamie is the father I never had, but they can both be so stupid at times.
And sweet Goddess, but it felt good to la
ugh, if only for a brief moment.
Salera
When the green was just beginning to rise above the cold earth but the trees were yet bare of leaf, I woke one morning as though to the sound of a voice. It was not His, I could not truly be certain that I had heard anything at all, but it had a sense about it of—of family, of home. I shivered and went out of the shelter where I awaited His coming, out to breathe deep of the morning air and see the sky. I heard nothing in that cold clear morning but the voices of our far cousins the birds, so I rose on wings stiff with too much waiting, revelling in the feel of air, and greeted the dawn with a sprightly wing-dance. With me in the air I soon found, to my surprise, some few of my own kind, like me celebrating the warmth of the morning and the simple pleasure of a bright day. All were of the first kind, the Heart-speakers, those I knew I could trust. We came to land as if by consent in a place I had passed through on my journey to the only home I knew.
It was a high place, up in the hills and safe. Most of it was grassy and as flat as any field, save for the two talons of rock that ran out from the high cliffs and enclosed the larger part of it. There was a small wood at one end, and from it the scent of water drew us to a small pool, where we drank.
That was the beginning. By the end of the day a few more had joined us, and as the time went on it seemed that whatever had drawn me into the air had affected all my kinfolk as well.
We gathered, not knowing why, not asking. A few one day, none the next, more the next. We did not question it, nor ourselves. We could not speak but we showed each other visions, thoughts, of the places we had come from. Some came as couples, some with young, and my heart knew pain when I saw mothers and kitlings together. I could not remember my mother’s eyes, but I remembered her passing.
I missed him so. He had taken me in, been mother and father to me, given of love freely and kept my own heart’s-fire alive. Where was he?
Lanen
“Fire, water, earth and air, keep us in the Lady’s care …”