Chapter 23 Doubt’s War Closet
Long after the servants were asleep, they carried Death down to the dining room and propped him at the head of the table, dressed in his usual dark suit and Halloween mask. Doubt and her three friends took places at the table, and amid the wild profusion of Confusion’s decorating scheme, Doubt opened the meeting.
“I’ll speak for my brother,” she said. “He wants us to devote ourselves to saving the house from Humility and Faith. We must be united in using every means to influence Pride—because they are. I don’t think I need to point out that if we lose this battle every one of us will be out on the street again.”
“It’s snowing outside,” said Worry. “Looks to snow all night.”
“Thank you for the weather report,” Doubt sneered. “Now, Pride has become convinced that these Heavenites are just sweet philanthropists who wish him well. He is seriously considering everything Reason tells him, and we know she’s already under their influence so—listen to me Tedium!”
Tedium looked up dully.
“Turn it off.”
She sullenly switched off her wrist TV, took out her earplug, and focused her eyes on the tabletop.
“I’m telling you that we have to strike first. We have to get legal control out of Pride’s hands and into ours, before he does something disastrous. Now I want ideas. Tell me how we’re going to make it happen.”
Tedium sat like an entranced tadpole. Confusion looked interested but mindless. Worry put her head in her hands and moaned softly.
“I’m leading an army of morons!” said Doubt. She turned to her brother. “How can I get anything done with them?”
“What’ll I do?” whined Worry. “My relatives won’t have me; not a person in the world will help me. And it’s snowing.”
“Enough about the snow!” Doubt turned to Confusion. “How can we convince Pride to wait?”
“Why, I’ll just counsel him privately,” Confusion said. “I can help him see through those dogmatists.”
“Good, and Worry, you must help her. In fact, maybe we could all three talk to him at once. We can tell him that letting these Heavenites in won’t rid him of Pain, and that he’ll just end up a servant in his own house. That’s good for a holding action. But how will we get him to give the house to me? Tedium! Pay attention. You’re not contributing. How will we get Pride to sign the house over? We need ideas.”
Tedium slumped lower in her chair and peevishly avoided Doubt’s eyes.
“Say something, we need an answer.”
“I don’t know,” Tedium said in a hurt, little girl voice. “Anything. Tell him he’s going crazy.”
Doubt thought it over. “You mean mental incompetence? That might be just the thing. I could have our lawyer prepare a document for him to sign. Not to be committed, of course; he’d never go for that. But he could still name me as the person to handle his affairs. We’ll smooth it all over, just tell him he needs a rest. Brilliant, Tedium!”
Doubt turned to her brother. “I know,” she said. “Yes, Conscience will have to go, and Reason, too. We’ll make do without them somehow, you and I. The place will fall to ruin, of course, but at least Grace won’t get it.”