The vineyard was silent. Hazel pulled away from Elizabeth, looking out over the grapevines, to the house. Her sleepy eyes tracked the roofline to the upstairs windows. When she turned in my direction, she startled, as if she’d forgotten I was there, and then she smiled, a slow, shy, radiant smile. Reaching for me, she squealed in delight, and the high-pitched noise broke a fine line into my nut-covered heart as cleanly as it would have split a delicate crystal glass.
I pulled her to me. We slid down from the tractor and crouched in the vines. Hazel pressed her face into a cluster of grapes, and I joined her. Picking one, I pierced it open with my teeth and gave a tiny sliver to Hazel. She had already been taught. Together we chewed the skin, swished the soft middle from cheek to cheek.
I smiled. 75/7. The grapes were ripe.
7.
I placed my blue box on the bookshelf, in the empty space next to Grant’s orange one. The cloth-covered boxes fit snuggly between a botany textbook and a poetry anthology, in the space they’d occupied when Grant and I had lived in the water tower together the year before.
It was Thanksgiving Day. All morning I’d helped Grant, chopping vegetables and whipping potatoes and cutting roses for the table. Any moment, Elizabeth would arrive. Hazel, too. Grant wanted everything to be perfect. When I’d left him in the kitchen, he’d been pacing in front of the gravy, checking the temperature of the oven often enough to let out most of the hot air. The turkey wouldn’t be ready until late evening, but it didn’t matter to me. I wasn’t going anywhere.
I’d left the vineyard only twice since tasting the grapes with my daughter, once to help Marlena with a five-hundred-guest wedding—our biggest yet—and the second time, just the day before, to pack up my things. After emptying the apartment, I’d driven to The Gathering House and knocked on the front door, offering free rent in exchange for work as a floral assistant. Two girls volunteered, and I hired them on the spot, driving them back to the apartment. Marlena had been waiting, nervous, and I watched as she showed the girls around and then went over the calendar. They listened quietly as she described the many tasks for which they would be responsible. Afterward, I turned to leave, confident I would not be needed in the near future, but Marlena pulled me aside, desperation in her eyes. “But they don’t know the flowers,” she’d whispered.
“Neither did you,” I’d reminded her, but she didn’t look entirely reassured. I promised her I’d be back, soon. I just needed a little more time.
Pulling Grant’s heavy green duffel bag to the third floor, I thought about the promise I’d made to Marlena. I loved Message, loved the look on my brides’ faces when I handed over their wedding scrolls, loved the thank-you cards that poured in every day with the mail. We were building something, Marlena and I. Bethany and Ray had already booked Message for their first, fifth, and tenth wedding anniversaries. Bethany credited me for the fulfillment she’d found in her relationship; I credited her with the growing success of my business. I would not let her down, and I would not let Marlena down, either.
It would be possible, someday, to have a business and a family, both. I would commute back to San Francisco in the mornings and return in time for dinner like any other working mother. I would pick Hazel up from Elizabeth’s and buckle her into her car seat, drive her back to the flower farm, and sit with her at the long dining room table. Grant would have dinner made, and we would chop Hazel’s food into tiny pieces and talk about our day, marveling over the growth of our businesses, our daughter, our love. On days off we would take Hazel to the beach, Grant carrying her on his shoulders until she was old enough to run safely among the waves, her footprints in the sand growing with each passing month.
One day, I would be able to do it all.
But not yet.
Right now, I knew it would require all my strength and attention to rejoin my family. Though she was worried, Marlena understood. The task ahead of me was great. I needed to accept Grant’s love, and Elizabeth’s, and earn the love of my daughter. I needed to never, under any circumstance, leave any of them again.
The idea filled me with equal parts joy and terror.
I’d lived with Grant before, and failed. I’d lived with Elizabeth; I’d lived with Hazel. Each time, I had failed.
This time, I told myself, looking around Grant’s old bedroom, it would be different. This time, I would take smaller steps, and enter our unconventional family in a way that I knew I could handle. From breast-feeding I had learned the dangers of throwing myself fully into something and risking a complete collapse. It was why I had decided, for now, to live in the water tower alone. Hazel would remain with Elizabeth, visiting more and more often, and for longer periods of time. As my fear eventually turned to trust—in my family, but mostly in myself—I would move in to the main house with Grant, and we would bring Hazel to live with us. Less than a mile away, Elizabeth would be our support. And the water tower, Grant promised, would always be mine for a brief escape, a moment of solitude. It was everything I needed to stay.
I unzipped my bag and began to transfer my belongings, stacking jeans and T-shirts and shoes in the corners, hanging blouses and belts on a row of rusty nails on the wall. Outside, the front gate squeaked open. I went to the window and watched Elizabeth push a stroller through the opening, returning to latch the gate. Hazel’s patent-leather shoes peeked out from beneath a wide canvas hat, pulled low to shield the sun from her face.
I found my only dress inside the duffel bag and shook it out. Undressing quickly, I slipped it over my head. The dress was a black cotton shirtwaist with a thin, cloth-covered belt of the same fabric. I pushed my feet into my dark red flats and fastened a crystal necklace Elizabeth had given me around my neck, one Hazel liked to grab.
Combing my fingers through my short hair, I returned to the window. Elizabeth had reached the bottom porch step, where she braked the stroller and pushed up the shade. Hazel squinted into the sunlight. Her eyes traveled up the water tower, and I waved from behind the third-story window. She smiled and reached up, as if wanting me to pull her out of the stroller.
Elizabeth saw her outstretched arms and leaned over to pick her up. With the baby on her hip, she reached under the stroller and pulled something out of a storage area beneath the seat, holding it up for me to see.
A ladybug-shaped backpack. Inside, I knew, were Hazel’s pajamas, diapers, and a change of clothes. Elizabeth’s face was joyful and determinedly brave; mine, I knew, was the same. Looking at my daughter filled me with a love I once thought myself incapable of feeling, and I thought about what Grant had said the afternoon I reappeared in his rose garden. If it was true that moss did not have roots, and maternal love could grow spontaneously, as if from nothing, perhaps I had been wrong to believe myself unfit to raise my daughter. Perhaps the unattached, the unwanted, the unloved, could grow to give love as lushly as anyone else.
Tonight, my daughter would spend the night for the first time. We would read books and rock in her rocking chair. Afterward, we would try to sleep. Maybe she would be scared, and maybe I would feel overwhelmed, but we would try again the next week and the one after that. Over time, we would learn each other, and I would learn to love her like a mother loves a daughter, imperfectly and without roots.
Victoria’s Dictionary of Flowers
Abutilon (Abutilon) … Meditation
Acacia (Acacia) … Secret love
Acanthus (Acanthus) … Artifice
Agapanthus (Agapanthus) … Love letter
Allium (Allium) … Prosperity
Almond blossom (Amygdalus communis) … Indiscretion
Aloe (Aloe vera) … Grief
Alstroemeria (Alstroemeria) … Devotion
Alyssum (Lobularia maritima) … Worth beyond beauty
Amaranth (Amaranthus) … Immortality
Amaryllis (Hippeastrum) … Pride
Anemone (Anemone) … Forsaken
Angelica (Angelica pachycarpa) … Inspiration
Apple (Malus domestica) … Tem
ptation
Apple blossom (Malus domestica) … Preference
Aster (Aster) … Patience
Azalea (Rhododendron) … Fragile and ephemeral passion
Baby’s breath (Gypsophila paniculata) … Everlasting love
Bachelor’s button (Centaurea cyanus) … Single blessedness
Basil (Ocimum basilicum) … Hate
Bay leaf (Laurus nobilis) … I change but in death
Begonia (Begonia) … Caution
Bellflower (Campanula) … Gratitude
Bells of Ireland (Moluccella laevis) … Good luck
Bird of paradise (Strelitzia reginae)… Magnificence
Blackberry (Rubus)… Envy
Black-eyed Susan (Rudbeckia)… Justice
Bluebell (Hyacinthoides non-scripta) … Constancy
Bougainvillea (Bougainvillea spectabilis) … Passion
Bouvardia (Bouvardia) … Enthusiasm
Broom (Cytisus) … Humility
Buttercup (Ranunculus acris) … Ingratitude
Cabbage (Brassica oleracea) … Profit
Cactus (Opuntia)… Ardent love
Calla lily (Zantedeschia aethiopica) … Modesty
Camellia (Camellia) … My destiny is in your hands
Candytuft (Iberis) … Indifference
Canterbury bells (Campanula medium) … Constancy
Carnation, pink (Dianthus caryophyllus) … I will never forget you
Carnation, red (Dianthus caryophyllus) … My heart breaks
Carnation, striped (Dianthus caryophyllus) … I cannot be with you
Carnation, white (Dianthus caryophyllus) … Sweet and lovely
Carnation, yellow (Dianthus caryophyllus) … Disdain
Celandine (Chelidonium majus) … Joys to come
Chamomile (Matricaria recutita) … Energy in adversity
Cherry blossom (Prunus cerasus) … Impermanence
Chervil (Anthriscus) … Sincerity
Chestnut (Castanea sativa) … Do me justice
Chicory (Cichorium intybus) … Frugality
Chrysanthemum (Chrysanthemum) … Truth
Cinquefoil (Potentilla) … Beloved daughter
Clematis (Clematis) … Poverty
Clove (Syzygium aromaticum) … I have loved you and you have not known it
Clover, white (Trifolium) … Think of me
Cockscomb (Celosia) … Affectation
Columbine (Aquilegia) … Desertion
Coreopsis (Coreopsis) … Always cheerful
Coriander (Coriandrum sativum) … Hidden worth
Corn (Zea mays) … Riches
Cosmos (Cosmos bipinnatus) … Joy in love and life
Cowslip (Primula veris) … Pensiveness
Crab-apple blossom (Malus hupehensis) … Ill-tempered
Cranberry (Vaccinium) … Cure for heartache
Crocus (Crocus) … Youthful gladness
Currant (Ribes) … Thy frown will kill me
Cyclamen (Cyclamen) … Timid hope
Cypress (Cupressus) … Mourning
Daffodil (Narcissus) … New beginnings
Dahlia (Dahlia) … Dignity
Daisy (Bellis) … Innocence
Daisy, Gerber (Gerbera) … Cheerfulness
Dandelion (Taraxacum) … Rustic oracle
Daphne (Daphne) … I would not have you otherwise
Daylily (Hemerocallis) … Coquetry
Delphinium (Delphinium) … Levity
Dianthus (Dianthus) … Make haste
Dittany (Dictamnus albus) … Childbirth
Dogwood (Cornus) … Love undiminished by adversity
Dragon plant (Dracaena) … You are near a snare
Edelweiss (Leontopodium alpinum) … Noble courage
Elder (Sambucus) … Compassion
Eucalyptus (Eucalyptus) … Protection
Euphorbia (Euphorbia) … Persistence
Evening primrose (Oenothera biennis) … Inconstancy
Everlasting pea (Lathyrus latifolius) … Lasting pleasure
Fennel (Foeniculum vulgare) … Strength
Fern (Polypodiophyta) … Sincerity
Fern, maidenhair (Adiantum capillus-veneris) … Secrecy
Feverfew (Tanacetum parthenium) … Warmth
Fig (Ficus carica) … Argument
Flax (Linum usitatissimum) … I feel your kindness
Forget-me-not (Myosotis) … Forget me not
Forsythia (Forsythia) … Anticipation
Foxglove (Digitalis purpurea) … Insincerity
Freesia (Freesia) … Lasting friendship
Fuchsia (Fuchsia) … Humble love
Gardenia (Gardenia) … Refinement
Gentian (Gentiana) … Intrinsic worth
Geranium, oak-leaf (Pelargonium) … True friendship
Geranium, pencil-leaf (Pelargonium) … Ingenuity
Geranium, scarlet (Pelargonium) … Stupidity
Geranium, wild (Pelargonium) … Steadfast piety
Ginger (Zingiber) … Strength
Gladiolus (Gladiolus) … You pierce my heart
Goldenrod (Solidago) … Careful encouragement
Grapevine (Vitis vinifera) … Abundance
Grass (Poaceae) … Submission
Hawthorn (Crataegus monogyna) … Hope
Hazel (Corylus) … Reconciliation
Heath (Erica) … Solitude
Heather (Calluna vulgaris) … Protection
Helenium (Helenium) … Tears
Heliotrope (Heliotropium) … Devoted affection
Hibiscus (Hibiscus) … Delicate beauty
Holly (Ilex) … Foresight
Hollyhock (Alcea) … Ambition
Honesty (Lunaria annua) … Honesty
Honeysuckle (Lonicera) … Devotion
Hyacinth, blue (Hyacinthus orientalis) … Constancy
Hyacinth, purple (Hyacinthus orientalis) … Please forgive me
Hyacinth, white (Hyacinthus orientalis) … Beauty
Hydrangea (Hydrangea) … Dispassion
Ice plant (Carpobrotus chilensis) … Your looks freeze me
Impatiens (Impatiens) … Impatience
Iris (Iris) … Message
Ivy (Hedera helix) … Fidelity
Jacob’s ladder (Polemonium) … Come down
Jasmine, Carolina (Gelsemium sempervirens) … Separation
Jasmine, Indian (Jasminum multiflorum) … Attachment
Jasmine, white (Jasminum officinale) … Amiability
Jonquil (Narcissus jonquilla) … Desire
Laburnum (Laburnum anagyroides) … Pensive beauty
Lady’s slipper (Cypripedium) … Capricious beauty
Lantana (Lantana) … Rigor
Larch (Larix decidua) … Audacity
Larkspur (Consolida) … Lightness
Laurel (Laurus nobilis) … Glory and success
Lavender (Lavandula) … Mistrust
Lemon (Citrus limon) … Zest
Lemon blossom (Citrus limon) … Discretion
Lettuce (Lactuca sativa) … Coldheartedness
Liatris (Liatris)… I will try again
Lichen (Parmelia) … Dejection
Lilac (Syringa) … First emotions of love
Lily (Lilum) … Majesty
Lily of the valley (Convallaria majalis) … Return of happiness
Linden tree (Tilia) … Conjugal love
Lisianthus (Eustoma) … Appreciation
Lobelia (Lobelia) … Malevolence
Lotus (Nelumbo nucifera) … Purity
Love-in-a-mist (Nigella damascena) … Perplexity
Love-lies-bleeding (Amaranthus caudatus) … Hopeless but not helpless
Lungwort (Pulmonaria) … You are my life
Lupine (Lupinus) … Imagination
Magnolia (Magnolia) … Dignity
Marigold (Calendula) … Grief
Marjoram (Origanum) … Blushes
Marsh marigold (Caltha palustris) … Desire for riches
Meadow saffron (Colchicum autumnale) … My best days are past
Meadowsweet (Filipendula ulmaria) … Uselessness
Michealmas daisy (Aster amellus) … Farewell
Mignonette (Reseda odorata) … Your qualities surpass your charms
Mimosa (Mimosa) … Sensitivity
Mistletoe (Viscum) … I surmount all obstacles
Mock orange (Pittosporum undulatum) … Counterfeit
Monkshood (Aconitum) … Chivalry
Morning glory (Ipomoea) … Coquetry
Moss (Bryopsida) … Maternal love
Mullein (Verbascum) … Take courage
Mustard (Brassica) … I am hurt
Myrtle (Myrtus) … Love
Narcissus (Narcissus) … Self-love
Nasturtium (Tropaeolum majus) … Impetuous love
Nettle (Urtica) … Cruelty
Oats (Avena sativa) … The witching soul of music
Oleander (Nerium oleander) … Beware
Olive (Olea europaea) … Peace
Orange (Citrus sinensis) … Generosity
Orange blossom (Citrus sinensis) … Your purity equals your loveliness
Orchid (Orchidaceae) … Refined beauty
Oregano (Origanum vulgare) … Joy
Pansy (Viola) … Think of me
Parsley (Petroselinum crispum) … Festivity
Passionflower (Passiflora) … Faith
Peach (Prunus persica) … Your charms are unequaled
Peach blossom (Prunus persica) … I am your captive
Pear (Pyrus) … Affection
Pear blossom (Pyrus) … Comfort
Peony (Paeonia) … Anger
Peppermint (Mentha) … Warmth of feeling
Periwinkle (Vinca minor) … Tender recollections
Persimmon (Diospyros kaki) … Bury me amid nature’s beauty
Petunia (Petunia) … Your presence soothes me
Phlox (Phlox) … Our souls are united
Pineapple (Ananas comosus) … You are perfect