Jane opened her mouth and didn’t know what to say except, “Hey!”
“So your mother’s idea isn’t so crazy after all?” Brandy laughed and headed back to her car. “Call me! Let me know how things work out!”
* * *
One of PB&G’s early shows dealt with a steel spinner nest at a farm in the South Hills. The appreciative farmer gave Jane two dozen newly hatched banty chicks. Jane had been caught off guard by the gift and simply stuck them in the back of the production truck while she dealt with Brian Scroggins, the fire marshall. (It takes a flamethrower to safely clean out a nest of the giant spiders. Brian eventually agreed with Jane that the farmer should have warned PB&G that he used the remote shed to store wood pallets, used engine oil, and nearly a hundred half-empty cans of spray paint. The damn aerosol cans went off like bottle rockets for an hour.)
By the time she remembered the chicks, they’d imprinted on Chesty. The big elfhound was doing the best he could, but clearly the golf-ball-sized chicks threw him into confusion as they attempted to tuck themselves under their “mother.”
Cuddling wasn’t something her family did. Most acquaintances knew that the Kryskills weren’t the touchy-feely types and kept out of striking range. Joey was as determined as the chicks to tuck himself up against his new family. Every time Joey hopped up onto the lap of one of her brothers, they went wide-eyed with surprise. They understood that Boo would see them brushing Joey off as rejecting her. They knew too that Joey desperately wanted the comfort of knowing he was loved and protected as their “little brother.” It helped that he was a sweet little boy. So her brothers soldiered on despite being clueless how to “mother” the little boy. It would be comical if it weren’t so sad. Alton was doing the best, but then he’d ended up with the chicks too.
Yesterday had been a very impromptu meal of spaghetti heavily supplemented with vegetables raided out of her garden. Today her family came prepared to cook, because that was what Kryskills did to celebrate.
Jane’s mother made her famous fried chicken (but only after Boo and Joey gave her puzzled looks and asked “Chicken is yummy, why wouldn’t we eat it?”). Geoffrey grilled corn on the cob while mixing up jalapeno butter. Marc made baby red potato salad with blue cheese and bacon. Guy tossed a salad of mixed greens and fresh-picked tomatoes with strawberry vinaigrette dressing. Duff made sauerkraut, sharp cheddar cheese and potato pierogies with caramelized onions. Alton used the blueberries that Boo and Joey helped pick for berry-and-cream-cheese turnovers dusted with confectioners’ sugar. In the spirit of “we’re all one big family,” the kids braided friendship bands with leather cord and red silk twine and tied them to everyone’s left wrist.
Jane answered all the “where do you keep” questions, washed pans as they were done being used, and kept Hal out from underfoot. Seriously, the man was like a three-year-old in the big kitchen, wanting to lick bowls and steal bacon. One would think he knew not to get close to her brothers while they wielded knives.
Nigel had the good sense to anchor down one of the barstools at the island. He asked quiet leading questions to keep the conversations going. Taggart used mad ninja-stealth to film the cooking. Their videos were to be Pittsburgh’s voice on Earth; her family’s pain had to be recorded and shared.
It reminded her of the viceroy standing grief-stricken by the river. The oni had kidnapped his bride. And Boo might know where she was being held.
* * *
On the pretense that she wanted help setting the great table, Jane got Boo alone in the main dining room. Last night they’d eaten in turns in the kitchen, as Jane’s everyday table only sat her mother and brothers comfortably. Jane’s family had moved on without Boo, unconsciously sizing their lives to six siblings, not seven. Luckily the addition of Joey, Hal, Nigel and Taggart helped keep it from being painfully obvious to Boo.
Jane unlocked the windows and rolled them up to air out the room. A summer thunderstorm was blowing in; the wind was picking up. It caught the sheers and made them dance in the gloaming. She would have to close the windows quickly if it started to rain. “You went blueberry picking with Alton?”
“Berry picking. Berry eating. Tree climbing.” Boo’s voice came from up high.
“It was so nice to go in any direction I wanted.” Boo stood on the railing of the second floor balcony that overlooked the main dining room, arms outstretched to feel the wind. “No one to stop me but me.”
“Like hell! Get down from there! What the hell do you think you’re doing up there?”
“I’ve always liked being high.” Boo walked barefoot quickly along the railing to the bannister, making Jane stutter with fear and anger. “I’m getting down!” And she came sliding down the bannister like she was six again.
Was it a tengu thing to be high? Was Boo afraid that being too much tengulike upset Jane? Well, it did. Jane didn’t want Boo to know it.
“You’re just like your brothers,” Jane focused back on the windows so Boo couldn’t see her face. “Trying to give me a heart attack with Kryskill craziness.”
Boo hugged her from the back, pressing her face against Jane’s shoulder blade. “It’s so hard to be stuck on the ground,” she whispered. “It’s like I’ve been buried alive.”
So it was a tengu thing. Cope with it, Jane, cope with it. Jane took a deep breath. “You need to set a good example for Joey. At least until we can get him back to his aunt and uncle.”
Boo whimpered softly. “We can’t. They’re dead. The oni killed them.”
Jane breathed out a curse. “I thought—the way he talks—”
“He doesn’t know. I haven’t told him. The oni wanted to capture the whole family. With just Joey, they could only make copies of him. If they’d gotten the entire family, they would have taken one or two apart to see how they were put together. I’ve seen Kajo do it with fish at the hatchery; shatter animals down and put them together differently. Make monsters.”
Boo trembled, her voice breaking. “But they killed all of Joey’s family. That’s why they made me tengu. With a copy, they had someone they could sh-sh-sh-shatter…”
“You’re safe!” Jane turned and gathered her into a hug. “I won’t let anyone hurt you. You’re safe!”
* * *
Only after the tears were dried, the table wiped free of dust, a trolley of the good dishes and silverware wheeled out and placed on the table did Jane remembered why she’d gotten her sister alone. By then the cooks were finishing up the food and Nigel was bandaging Hal.
Why had the oni taken Tinker? To shatter her down? Jane felt sick at the idea.
“Do you know where any oni camps are?” Jane asked quietly and at the farthest point from the kitchen she could get Boo.
“Not anymore. Danni made Kajo move all the camps because Pure Radiance came to the Westernlands. A deadly game of hide and seek, she called it. All the camps that I knew of were abandoned. The hatchery was the only one of Kajo’s that stayed in place. I don’t know if Lord Tomtom moved his; I never knew where they were in the first place. Kajo and Lord Tomtom never got along.”
Jane breathed out in disappointment. At least she didn’t have to decide what to do if Boo did know where Tinker was being held.
* * *
The food cooked, they sat down to eat. Hal tried to start before blessing and both Jane and her mother slapped him. It was a wonder he’d survived her family for so many years.
It was all good and happy until the last crumb of the blueberry turnovers. Family tradition said that the youngest three had to clear the dishes, generally because they’d been spared from having a cook a dish. Guy bussed the table with the ease of a trained waiter. Boo scrambled to keep up, wanting to help but without the years of experience. Joey carried a plate at a time into the kitchen with exaggerated care. Everyone else leaned back from the table and drank equal parts of fresh milk and strong Assam tea. (After years of being smacked, Hal stopped asking for coffee after meals. Nigel and Taggart seemed to relish the tea as m
uch as her brothers.)
With deceptive calm, her mother lifted up her cup and said, “Mitsy Barker called me this afternoon. She said Nigel was on the noon news. Something about a giant river monster?”
The table went silent and her family all stared at Jane.
Telephone, telegraph, tell a Barker.
To be fair, Jane had to expect someone to tell her family after warning the entire city. She was really hoping, though, it would be after she killed it. She wanted it to be like rescuing Boo; the Kryskill family circus wouldn’t know what Jane was planning until after all the shooting was over.
Jane spread her hands. “We’re filming dangerous stuff that lives in the backyard like we always do. It’s kind of like a saurus that lives in the river. It’s not like river sharks because it doesn’t stay in the water. You could call it a jumpfish with legs.”
“You’re going after the namazu?” Boo cried with obvious horror.
Jane inwardly cringed. She’d forgotten that Boo probably knew exactly what they were hunting. Nor could she smack her baby sister to keep her quiet. She tried glaring at her instead.
“The what?” Alton asked.
“The namazu!” the two kids cried.
“The god fish!” Joey stood on his toes and held his arms wide as possible.
“It is a very big, crocodilelike fish thing!” Jane stated loudly to override the kids. “Hal and I have been dealing with shit like this for years.”
Which was a mistake as her brothers all turned to Hal. While Hal could host-dazzle Maynard, he was intimidated by her family. “It is a smidge larger than our typical fare.” He turned to her and saw her face. “I-I-I have all confidence that Jane can handle this. Given a big enough gun and a hunting stand and the monster call.”
Chaos erupted. Her brothers’ main focus started with “You’re taking Bertha?” After Boo informed the table that “It can throw lightning,” their concern forked to include the dangers of hunting the monster alone. (Her brothers did not count Hal because they’d helped teach him how to shoot. There was a reason Hal liked dynamite to solve problems.) Jane tried to squash the idea that the Kryskill Family Circus would join her on the filming. It was bad enough that they would be creating video evidence of the illegal firearms that her family owned; she didn’t need her brothers on film too.
Her mother’s loud whistle cut through the conversation.
Jane, her brothers and Hal snapped to standing attention. After a heartbeat of silence, Nigel and Taggart also stood up, looking slightly bewildered.
“I went and listened to the report myself,” her mother said calmly into her cup of tea. “I know how big you believe this thing to be. You will need Bertha but you’re not taking her out by yourself. She’s a family resource. You’ll need to mount her on a vehicle and brace the vehicle against recoil. You’ll need someone to drive that vehicle and someone who is a better shot than Hal as your backup.”
Her mother took a long sip of tea; chaos returned. Jane said nothing. There would be no arguing with her mother. Besides, she was completely right. They’d need to take the Chased by Monsters production truck with Taggart filming. Hal was as good a driver as he was at shooting, which was to say only adequate. Nigel was still moving gingerly from being almost eaten by the saurus just the day before and was unfamiliar with the area. Someone from her family would have to drive the gun platform.
Her brothers were all stating loudly why they should be the ones to accompany Jane. Alton was playing the “oldest son” angle. Geoffrey was the most mechanically minded, thus able to deal with any problems with the chain-fed cannon. Marc stated that he was a cop, and thus the one able to get her around police detection. He was also the best driver among them. (Also his decommissioned EIA Humvee was already modified to be a gun platform. It was the most logical vehicle to use.) Duff was the best shot of her brothers (though Jane beat him three out of five shoot-offs.) Guy pointed out that as a minor, if they did get caught, he’d get into the least amount of trouble; besides, he just had summer school while everyone else worked.
Her mother sipped and listened, her eyes narrowing slightly as she considered the arguments. As she lowered her cup, the Kryskill boys all went silent. Her empty teacup chimed loudly onto the china saucer. “Marc and Geoffrey, you will back up your sister.” She raised her voice over the wordless outcry from the other three brothers. “Alton, you’ll be responsible for the safety of Boo and Joey. Duff, since you’ll be the only one at the bakery tomorrow morning, you’ll be the communication hub. Set up code words before you leave tonight. All calls are to go to Duff to coordinate activities and use the code words he provides. Guy, you can stay one hour and then head home and play the stereo loud enough to make your ears bleed.”
“What?” Guy cried.
Their mom clarified. “Stick to your usual Sunday schedule.” Their mother checked her phone and stood. “Tonight is bingo night at the fire hall. I’ll have to hurry or people will notice that I came in late. The oni have to consider the possibility that Boo and Joey escaped in the chaos last night. The most reasonable thing for Boo to do is to contact her family. The oni might be watching us to see if there’s any change in our schedules that would indicate that she’s returned. Last night we had the excuse that Jane had guests to feed, one of which had been attacked by a saurus. Tonight we have to return to our regular routines. Go do what you normally do. Not a word to anyone, not even your cousins. Is that understood?”
“Yes, ma’am!” the Kryskill’s siblings answered.
Guy gave Joey a nudge and the little boy cried out, “Yes, ma’am!”
“Keep your eyes open, your heads down, and your guns close,” their mother said.
“Yes, ma’am!”
“Make your father proud.” Their mother flicked her hand to indicate that they were free to start. “Dismissed.”
* * *
“Who or what is Bertha?” Taggart asked quietly after her mother had kissed and hugged everyone including him and Nigel goodbye. (Normally her mother didn’t take to strangers so quickly but they had returned Boo to her family. She didn’t usually kiss or hug either, but she wanted an excuse to linger on Boo, cuddle Joey again, and size up Taggart for son-in-law material.)
Jane’s brothers were starting their traditional dishwashing activities, which meant the dishes and kitchen would be spotless and her brothers would be sopping wet. (In the winter, this usually required a traditional clothes-washing activity afterwards.) Jane had pulled Taggart aside to keep his camera from being damaged when the water volleys started.
“Do you know what a M242 is?” Jane asked. Most people wouldn’t but he was a war correspondent.
Taggart stared at her. Obviously he knew the gun. “Why does your family have a chain-fed auto-cannon?”
“I’ll take you to the museum sometime to see the wyvern they have mounted. It could carry off the saurus we killed the other day. Dragons are supposed to be bigger. My dad didn’t like surprises. Bertha was his answer for any surprises that cropped up.”
“And we do have a big surprise to deal with,” Hal murmured, as he brushed between them, clearing a path for Joey who was still carrying dishes from the dining room to the kitchen. Hal was surprisingly good with kids, having done a year of children’s science programming. (Apparently he focused too much on blowing things up and setting things on fire for the comfort of PBS lawyers.) Hal added in “Mine” before disappearing into the kitchen.
“Yes.” Jane didn’t like the idea of pulling Bertha out of her hiding place but she wanted something that would definitely kill the high-voltage, massive jawed beast before it had a chance to close on her team.
Taggart glanced after Hal, eyes narrowing slightly. He caught Jane by the arm and pulled her into the quiet of the entry hall.
She guessed what he wanted. “No, I don’t know where my dad got Bertha. It was before Geoffrey was born…”
“No, that’s not what I wanted to know,” Taggart said quietly. “Are you in love
with Hal?”
“What?” Jane cried. “No!”
“He’s in love with you.”
She wondered why Taggart would think that and then remembered the video from Hal’s “phone call” from Mercy Hospital where he thanked her profusely. At the end Hal had stated that he loved Jane. “He was drugged. He gets loopy and says shit that he doesn’t mean.”
“Oh, he meant that. You can’t spend a day locked in the car with the man and not know that he’s afraid of losing you.”
“Afraid of losing his producer. I’ve been the only person that can work with him without getting maimed. That includes filming on Earth too; he once set a PA on fire.”
Taggart scrubbed at his face, laughing. “I almost pity the man. Look, I learned through several painful experiences, that when I start liking a woman, the first thing I need to find out is if she’s already in love with someone else. There’s nothing worse than falling head over heels for someone, and then have them go ‘I’m sorry but I’ve realized that he’s the love of my life.’ Losing something makes it suddenly clear that it’s very important to you. So, step one, clear the playing field. Quickly. While there’s still a chance to back out without the desire to go drown myself in a metric ton of whiskey.”
They stared at each other in silence a moment.
“Are you?” Taggart asked.
“Am I what?”
“In love with Hal?” Taggart cried.
“No!”
“Are you sure? Think about it.”
“Are you hitting on me?”
“Maybe.”
“It seems like a stupid way to go about it. Don’t you normally ask if the girl likes you first? Just because I’m not in love with Hal doesn’t mean I like you.”
He nodded slowly, hunching his shoulders. “Can you qualify ‘not like?’ Is that in ‘I’m not attracted to you’ or ‘I hate your guts’ or whatever?”
Jane blushed and looked away. “I didn’t say that I didn’t like you. It just seems like an ass-backwards way of going about things.”