'There are so many cases against you. Which one are you referring to?'
'It is an old murder charge, dating back to 2002.'
'Whom did you kill?'
'It was Mohammad Mustaqeem, a worthless heel who had dared to challenge me. The prosecution case was very weak, based only on circumstantial evidence. Now suddenly a new witness called Pradeep Dubey has come forward, claiming that he saw me shoot Mustaqeem. The court hearing is on the fifth of next month. If the judge convicts me of murder, it could be curtains for my political career. As you know, Guruji, the Chief Minister is already biased against me.'
'According to your horoscope, all this is the result of Saturn sitting in the fifth house. The bad period will last for another four months. After that all your troubles will disappear.'
'So what should I do during this period, Guruji?'
(Laughs.) 'You know what to do. After all, the entire police force is under you. But start wearing blue sapphire. It will counteract the influence of the malefic Saturn.'
'When I talk to you, Guruji, I feel at peace. I really believe all my troubles will disappear.'
'That is what gurus are for. Can I also trouble you over a minor matter?'
'Tell me, Guruji, and I will attend to it personally.'
'I bought a small plot in Kanpur, some twenty acres. Now I am told squatters from a nearby slum have erected their huts on part of the land. I am leaving very shortly for a world tour. If they could be evicted before I leave it would—'
'Say no more, Guruji. Tomorrow I will have the bulldozers sent in.'
'Good. Give my regards to Vicky. I hope he is wearing the coral ring I got specially made for him.'
'Of course, Guruji. Till his case is resolved, he dare not disobey your advice.'
'OK, Jagannath. I have to go now. Richard Gere is here to meet me.'
'Who is he, Guruji? Some car manufacturer?'
(Laughs.) 'No, he is an American actor. Bye now. Jai Shambhu.'
'Jai Shambhu, Guruji.'
*
'Tell me, Mr Tripurari Sharan, are you my chief sidekick or am I your sidekick?'
'What has prompted such a strange question, Bhaiyyaji? Have I done something wrong?'
'But of course. Since eight o'clock I have been waiting patiently for your call to find out if you managed to speak to the witness, but you did not phone. So I am phoning you.'
'I was going to call you in the morning, Bhaiyyaji. I didn't want you to have a disturbed sleep.'
'So the news is bad, eh? What happened? Was Pradeep Dubey not available?'
'No, I met him. He seems to be an idealistic young man. I offered him a lot of money to keep his mouth shut, even went up to ten lakhs. But he refused to budge. Said he will definitely testify against you. My hunch is that he has been put up by Lakhan Thakur.'
'Hmm . . . (Long pause.) So Lakhan is playing games again. He has not heeded my warning.'
'Why should he? He fancies himself as the next Jagannath Rai. Hard to imagine that five years ago he was just a petty gangster. Ever since he won the assembly election, his star has been on the ascendant. It is said he owns half the timber factories in Saharanpur. Now his ambition is to become a minister, like you.'
'That bastard will never succeed as long as I am around. We'll deal with him at an appropriate time. But first tell me what should we do with this Dubey fellow?'
'Bhaiyyaji, if Dubey squeaks, you are sunk. He has to be prevented from testifying at all cost.'
'Then we'll ensure he doesn't testify. You tell Mukhtar to see me.'
'Don't you know about Mukhtar? He got picked up by the police yesterday in Ghaziabad.'
'What? How could they arrest Mukhtar?'
'I think there is some rape charge. You know Mukhtar, Bhaiyyaji. He cannot keep his pyjama cord tied. Always running after young girls.'
'Who is the police officer who has dared to arrest Mukhtar?'
'There is a new Superintendent in Ghaziabad. Young IPS chap called Navneet Brar. He is a bit over-zealous. Wants to stamp out crime from the State. It appears to be his handiwork.'
'It is actually the handiwork of the stars. They are aligned in an inauspicious manner. That is what Guruji told me. But as long as I have his blessings, I can take on any challenge. You failed with the witness, Tripurari. Now see how I sort out the police officer. Get me his mobile number immediately.'
*
'Hello. Navneet Brar speaking.'
'Navneet, this is Home Minister Jagannath Rai speaking.'
'Well, what I can do for you, Sir?'
'I believe you have arrested a man of mine. Mukhtar Ansari is his name.'
'Yes, Sir. He has been arrested for raping an under-age girl. It is a non-bailable offence, Sir. Section 376, in conjunction with 366. No leniency can be shown.'
'I am not requesting you to show leniency. I am directing you to release him immediately.'
'You cannot issue such an order, Sir. The matter is before a magistrate. Now Mukhtar can be released only by a court order.'
'How dare you defy the Home Minister of the State!'
'I am sorry, Sir, but I have been tasked with upholding the law.'
'It looks as if you are not too bothered about losing your job.'
'I am more bothered about doing it correctly, Sir.'
'Then do the correct thing. Obey the order of your superior.'
'I regret to say, Sir, that I cannot obey an illegal order.'
'So you refuse to obey me?'
'I refuse to abet a criminal activity.'
'You are a young officer, Brar, and hot-headed. You are making the biggest mistake of your career.'
'I am prepared to face the consequences.' (Disconnect.)
*
'Jai Hind. Director General's residence. Constable Ram Avtar speaking.'
'Is the DGP there?'
'Yes. Who is calling?'
'Home Minister Sahib wants to talk to him.'
'It is past midnight. DGP Sahib is sleeping.'
'Wake him up, you ass, otherwise together with the DGP you will lose your job.'
'But DGP Sahib has given strict instructions not to disturb him.'
'It appears you have not experienced Bhaiyyaji's wrath. Ram Avtar, if you don't get me DGP in the next ten seconds, from tomorrow you will be selling bananas in Hazratganj, understand?'
'Yes, Sir. Sorry, Sir. I am putting you through immediately to DGP Sahib's bedroom.'
'OK.'
Beep. Beep. Beep.
'Who is the bastard disturbing me at this time?'
'Jagannath Rai, Home Minister, will speak to you. I am passing the line.'
Beep. Beep. Beep.
'Hello. Maurya?'
'Good evening, Sir. Good evening. Why did you take the trouble of calling at this hour, Sir? I would have come to your house.'
'Maurya, tell me how long have you been Director General of Police?'
'Eight months, Sir.'
'And who made you the DGP?'
'You, Sir.'
'Then why is it that you do things which make me regret my decision?'
'What . . . what, Sir? What has happened?'
'Your police have picked up Mukhtar Ansari from Ghaziabad. I think you know very well that Mukhtar is my right-hand man. How could you allow this to happen?'
'This is the first I have heard about this, Sir. Must have been a local operation.'
'Your SP in Ghaziabad, a chap called Navneet Brar, is the man responsible. Now listen to my instructions. I want Mukhtar released first thing in the morning. And departmental action should be initiated against Brar for insulting the Home Minister.'
'Er . . . if I may make a suggestion, Sir, why don't we just transfer him?'
'OK. Then transfer him to . . . to Bahraich. The good life in Ghaziabad has gone to his head. Let him cool his heels for a while in the boondocks!'
'Sir, your instructions will be carried out immediately. '
'Good. I knew I could count on you, Maurya.'
>
'If you don't mind, Sir, could I also remind you of your promise to speak to High Command about giving my wife Nirmala the MLA ticket from Badaun?'
'Yes, I have not forgotten. But there are still two years to go before the State elections.'
'Still, Sir, preparations have to begin well in advance. I can assure you Nirmala will be a most loyal party worker. Actually so am I, Sir, it's just that I cannot say so openly, being still in uniform.'
'I know, Maurya. Now go back to sleep.'
'Good night, Sir.'
*
'Mukhtar?'
'Boss? As-salaam alaykum. Thanks for getting me out so quickly. Now I am going after that sisterfucker Superintendent of Police.'
'You will do nothing of the sort. I have already had Brar transferred to Bahraich.'
'The bastard! He is lucky to be alive.'
'Who was the girl?'
'Nobody you know, Boss. Just a neighbourhood kid.'
'When will you learn, Mukhtar? If all the girls you have raped delivered babies, half of UP's population will consist of your illegitimate children.'
'Sorry, Boss. I will be more careful next time.'
'Now listen, Mukhtar.'
'Yes, Boss.'
'There is a man called Pradeep Dubey who is threatening to testify against me in the Mustaqeem murder case. He needs to be neutralized. And after you take care of Dubey, you need to take care of his mentor, Lakhan Thakur.'
'Lakhan Thakur? The MLA from Saharanpur?'
'Yes. Why? Is the job too big for you?'
'No, Boss. No job is too big for me. It's just that getting rid of Thakur may be more complicated. He travels with five bodyguards.'
'So get rid of all of them. Come to the house tomorrow and get the cash from Tripurari.'
'I will be there. Khuda hafiz, Boss.'
'Khuda hafiz.'
*
'Hello.'
'Hello. Can I speak to Prem Kalra?'
'This is Prem Kalra speaking.'
'Then listen carefully, motherfucker. This is Jagannath Rai speaking. And this is my last warning to you. If you publish one more story against me in the Daily News, both you and your rag will be history.'
'Such language does not behove the Home Minister of our State.'
'So you think abusing someone is the exclusive preserve of journalists? I have tolerated your nonsense for a long time, but enough is enough.'
'At least tell me what has prompted your ire.'
'Your latest piece, alleging that I had Pradeep Dubey bumped off. When the police have confirmed that he was killed in a road accident, how can you make such a baseless allegation? I can sue you for character assassination.'
'But the allegation was not made by me, Jagannathji. Lakhan Thakur made the allegation on the floor of the Assembly. I have merely reproduced it.'
'And in the process you have become the mouthpiece of the opposition. How much is Lakhan Thakur paying you?'
'I don't do this for money. It is a social service that I render.'
'No one renders greater social service than we politicians. The least we expect in return is some appreciation from the media . . .'
'I cannot promise appreciation, Jagannathji, but I can promise restraint. Goodbye.'
*
'Hello. Home Minister's residence? Chief Minister Sahib wants to talk to Home Minister Sahib.'
'Put him on.'
'No. You put him on. Chief Minister is senior to Home Minister.'
'OK, OK, no need to get angry. I will pass to Bhaiyyaji.' (Music.)
'Hello?'
'Hello. Jagannath?'
'Namaskar Chief Minister Sahib.'
'I am under lot of pressure, Jagannath.'
'Now what has happened? The murder case against me has been dismissed.'
'It's about your son. High Command is saying that perhaps you should step down because of Vicky's involvement in the Ruby Gill murder case. If the verdict goes against him, our party's image will suffer greatly.'
'Why? The party's image did not suffer when the High Command made me Home Minister, despite the fact that I have thirty-two criminal cases against me. But have I been sentenced even in one? No, na? Then why are you making such a big issue over my son's involvement in just one murder case, when the judgment has not even been delivered?'
'It is no ordinary case, Jagannath. It has become the most high-profile murder case in the country. All the channels are only talking about this case.'
'So will we now be judged by the media? You are a lawyer yourself, Chief Minister Sahib. And the fundamental rule of law is that the accused is innocent till proven guilty. If ministers had to resign simply on the basis of being charged, two-thirds of your Cabinet would be empty. So I say let the case be proven against my son, then we shall see.'
'I have managed to persuade High Command to hold off any action till the local elections. But that journalist Arun Advani continues to cause trouble. Did you read his latest column? He is alleging that you are trying to bribe the judge. It is giving us very bad publicity.'
'Let him write what he wants. The good thing is none of our voters know English. I was telling the Education Minister that we should ban all English-medium schools in the State. We should teach children only in Hindi. If we take away the bamboo, how will the flute play?' (Laughter.)
'And also Urdu. Don't forget our Muslim voters.'
'Yes, of course, Chief Minister Sahib. Urdu is equally important. In fact, I am brushing up on my Urdu these days. Iqbal Mian has been teaching me Ghalib's poetry. Would you like to listen to a few couplets?'
'No . . . no. I have to go for the inauguration of a primary school. Just remember, Jagannath, I have managed to save you for now, but if Vicky is convicted even I won't be able to do anything for you.'
'Don't worry. That eventuality will not arise.'
'See you at the Cabinet meeting tomorrow.'
'Yes. See you, Chief Minister Sahib. '
*
'Hello. Rukhsana?'
'I am not talking to you, janaab. I sent you five hundred text messages. You didn't respond to even one. '
'Arrey, what can I do? The whole day I was busy in that wretched State Development Council Meeting which the Chief Minister is so fond of.'
'How can a meeting last a whole day?'
'It can if you have a room full of prize idiot bureaucrats, each one droning for hours about roads and bridges and schools and orphanages. Sometimes I feel it was a mistake to go into politics. When I have to travel hundreds of kilometres every day through dusty villages, when I have to listen patiently to ignorant farmers wanting me to ensure that the monsoon does not fail, when I have to sign endless files about matters that don't concern me remotely, I realize the price one has to pay for being in politics.'
'Then why don't you quit?'
'Easier said than done. Politics is a bitch, but it is like government. You crib about it but you can't do without it either.'
'And what about me? Can you do without me?'
'Arrey, you are my nasha, my addiction. Listen to this couplet which I composed in your honour: "Although love's pangs may fatal be, there can be no way out Without love too this heart would grieve, for want of things to grieve about."'
'You have become quite a poet. Looks like my love has made you a real Majnu.'
'Indeed . . . "Love has made me good-for-nothing, Otherwise a useful man I used to be." '
'What can I say, janaab, today Urdu poetry is flowing from your mouth like bullets from a gun.'
'Don't talk about bullets, darling. This is the story of my life. The moment I try to become romantic somebody brings up the subject of guns and spoils the mood.'
'I am sorry.'
'Forget it. Tell me, how was your day?'
'Good. I went to the beauty parlour. Got full waxing done. Also facial. My body is like silk. You will find out when you touch me.'
'I am dying for that. Sumitra will leave for Farrukhabad on Friday. I will come to you on S
aturday and stay the night.'
'Why don't you divorce your wife? She is only causing you grief.'
'My children are no better. I have a son who has had a penchant for getting into trouble ever since he was a kid. And a daughter who adamantly refuses to marry. With great difficulty I have managed to get her engaged to an excellent boy from our own caste, a Thakur belonging to the royal family of Pratapgarh, but she keeps postponing the marriage. Her favourite pastime is to chat with the sons and daughters of the sweepers and washermen who live behind our house. My biggest fear is that one day she will decide to elope with some street loafer and grind our family's nose in the dust.'
'Don't worry about something that might never happen.'
'Guruji says the same. You and Guruji are the only people who understand me.'
'But you don't understand me. For months I have been asking you to take me on a foreign trip, but you never oblige.'
'Arrey, when there are so many pending issues to be sorted out in this damned place, where is the time to think of going abroad? This is the problem with you. You are never content with what you have.' (Sob.)
'Jaaneman, have I upset you? Look, I am giving you a kiss.'
(Kissing sound.)
*
'Dad?'
'Yes, Vicky?'
'Is it all set?'
'Yes. But I have asked for judgment to be postponed till 15 February. That is when the inauspicious period will end, according to Guruji.'
'So I need not worry?'
'Not as long as I am around. But have you ever thought how much grief you've given me? How long can I keep bailing you out of trouble?'
'That's what dads are for.'
'You are a real motherfucker; you know that, don't you, Vicky?'
'Well, from a purely technical point of view, that would be you, Dad, wouldn't it?'
'You bas—'
(Disconnect.)
7
The American
TODAY IS the happiest day of my life. Even better than the day Vince Young led Texas on a fifty-six-yard touchdown drive against USC in the game's final minutes to give the Longhorns their greatest ever victory in the Rose Bowl.
I am finally going to India. Land of maharajahs and mutton curry. Home to elephants and kangaroos. And to the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world. Sapna Singh, who will become my wife in two weeks' time.
I really dig Indian weddings. Just rented that flick Monsoon Wedding the other night. I love the way Indian girls dance and the wild music simply drives me crazy.