I nodded.
Major gave me a pointed look. “Emotions are a dangerous thing, Tessa. It’s best to keep them under your control at all times.”
He made a dismissive gesture and I heaved myself out of the chair. I turned before I reached the door. “Sir, as I’m sure you know, Madison’s funeral is in a few days. I’d like to go to say good-bye. I think it would help me get over everything that’s happened.”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot allow that.”
“But sir, I wouldn’t give myself away. I would be careful not to be seen.”
“I’m not trying to be mean, Tessa. I understand your rationale, but I don’t think your being there would be wise. It wouldn’t accomplish anything and I think you should stay put for a while.”
His expression made it clear that no amount of pleading would change his mind.
I bit my lip and turned around, hoping he hadn’t seen how much his refusal hurt me.
“You did well, Tessa. Everyone thinks that. I know you’re upset and confused and maybe you even feel a bit guilty, but what you did was honorable. The FEA is trying to protect the general public and you did your part. Soon you’ll see it that way, too.”
I hoped he was right.
CHAPTER 25
* * *
It was five A.M. when I finished my first lap in the pool. I was grateful for the solitude. The sound of a door falling shut broke through my concentration and I swam to the edge of the pool, looking for the source. Alec watched me from afar. He was wearing black pajama pants. I doubted he planned on swimming in them. I swam toward the ladder and climbed out of the pool, careful to keep my arms in front of my body and the heinous mark I didn’t want him to see. “What are you doing up so early?”
“I couldn’t sleep,” he said. “And I saw you heading for the pool. I’ve been wanting to talk to you.”
The sound of water lapping over the edge of the pool filled the silence. I couldn’t look away from his eyes even though I wanted to, couldn’t move even though I wanted to bridge the few steps between us. I dropped my arms and stared at my bare feet, breaking the spell of his gaze.
Alec sucked in a breath. I blinked up at him through my wet lashes, wondering what the matter was until I realized what he was staring at. The red A cut into my skin peeked out from under my swimsuit. I covered it with my palm and turned to walk away, my skin aflame with anger and mortification. His hands on my shoulders stopped me. I closed my eyes, hating how much my body still craved his touch, how it overwhelmed me every time he was close, even though I’d tried so many times to forget him. He spun me around and gently pushed my hand aside.
“You don’t know how much I wish he wasn’t dead. How much I wish I could kill him myself.”
The viciousness of his words mingled with the roughness of his voice washed over me, filling me with a strange sense of relief.
Gently he touched his fingers to the mark. “Does it still hurt?”
The question felt weird coming from Alec. I looked up at him, not caring if he caught the emotion in my eyes. “Nothing ever hurt as much as watching you with Kate.”
He stepped back. His eyes wandered over my face, and suddenly it felt like he could see through every layer I’d built to protect myself. “Why do you love her?” I’d asked myself that so often; ever since they returned from their first mission as a couple.
“I don’t—I can’t—” He exhaled. “It’s complicated with me and Kate.”
“Complicated,” I repeated. “Okay.” That was all he had to say about the matter?
He cupped my cheek, and I leaned into the touch. I knew he wanted to kiss me again, knew it from the look in his eyes and the way his fingers traced my cheek, but even more than that, I knew I couldn’t let it happen. Not as long as there was Kate. Not as long as every kiss was nothing more than an empty promise. His eyes flickered with hesitation as if he was thinking the same thing.
I was worth more than that.
And though it was almost physically painful, I stepped away. His fingers slipped off my face. “I’m sorry Alec, but I can’t do this anymore. Whatever’s between us, consider it over.” Before I could change my mind, I walked away. He didn’t follow me.
• • •
The sun was rising. Golden beams caught on the piles of toast and dozens of eggs Martha had laid out for her breakfast preparations. I ate my second plate of French toast. One of the things I’d missed most about the FEA was Martha and her cooking. She took care of me and cooked for me the same way Linda had done. The FEA wasn’t a traditional family, but I had come to realize that it was close. Maybe that was enough.
I’d spilled my guts to Martha about my poolside talk with Alec and she’d listened patiently. She’d given me the same advice she always did when I talked to her about Alec: everything will fall into place if I could just be patient. But I’d run out of patience a long time ago. I’d have to find a way to move on without him.
I finished my last bite of raspberries and put my fork down. Even Martha’s fabulous food couldn’t calm my stomach. What I was about to do was more than just a minor breach of the rules.
“Madison’s funeral is today. Tony asked me to talk to you,” Martha said suddenly.
“Why?” I whispered. Had Major found out about my plan? Had Kate gotten a glimpse into my head and seen it?
“He’s worried about you. He noticed that you haven’t put Livingston behind you yet.” She wrapped an arm around my shoulder. “You have to learn to let go.”
“I know.” I nodded solemnly. I’d learned that lesson this morning. I didn’t look directly at her, too worried she might see something in my face that would give me away.
“Sometimes a good-bye from afar is enough.” She kissed my temple. “You need to release your pain. We want our old Tessa back.”
“I want the old Tessa back, too. Minus her Alec obsession,” I said with a shaky smile.
Martha put a hand over her heart, her eyes widening ridiculously. “Be still my heart. Did you just make a joke, mein Mädchen?”
I pressed my forehead against her shoulder, feeling guilty for not heeding her pleas. But I’d made up my mind and nothing would stop me now.
I hurried back to my room, where the clothes Holly had stolen from Summers were waiting for me. I slipped into them and shifted into the image of Summers. Holly had made sure that I wouldn’t run into the real Summers, who was giving Holly a private Variation lesson.
I forced myself to walk through the corridors slowly, despite my fear of running into Major. Some of the tension disappeared from my body once I was finally outside and approaching the airfield. Tanner was polishing his favorite helicopter and straightened when he saw me.
“We need someone to fly Tessa to Livingston. Major and I have decided to let her attend the funeral. Everything should be ready in ten minutes.” Summers’s voice came out strong and certain.
Tanner frowned but nodded. “Sure thing.”
I turned and left before I could give myself away and returned ten minutes later in my own body. My heart didn’t stop pounding until we were off the ground, and even then I barely allowed myself to relax. Once Major found out what I’d done, and there was no doubt that he would, I’d be punished. But I’d worry about that later. For now, I knew what I needed to do.
CHAPTER 26
* * *
The helicopter dropped me off in a meadow near Livingston before turning to make its way back to headquarters. Nobody had stopped us. Surprisingly Tanner hadn’t tried to entertain me during the flight. Maybe he’d sensed that I wasn’t in the mood for joking before a funeral. I planned to spend the night in a motel in Manlow and take a train back to the FEA the next morning. I reasoned that maybe Tanner wouldn’t get in too much trouble that way.
Instead of going directly to the cemetery and waiting for the funeral to begin, I walked to the Chambers’ house. I snuck into the back garden and peered through the living room windows.
Everyone was gathered
inside. Linda and Ronald, Madison’s aunts and uncles, her grandparents, Ana, and Devon. He was the only one who understood what had happened, the only one who knew his sister hadn’t died a week ago but had actually been gone for much longer. Somehow Major had convinced him to keep it from his family, to tell them the lie the FEA had prepared.
Devon looked out into the garden as if he could feel my presence. I ducked. It wasn’t right for me to be here. This was their private moment of grief. I had no place in their lives.
A door creaked—the back screen door. I knew the sound by heart. Before I could slink away, Devon stood in front of me, dressed in black from head to toe. There were dark shadows beneath his eyes.
I tried to back away from him but he cornered me at the end of the backyard, bordering on the forest. His hand curled around my arm, preventing me from slipping away. I didn’t try to shake him off. Whatever he had to say, I would bear it. I deserved it all. I pulled my coat tighter around my body and looked up. Fatigue crowded at the edges of his eyes and mouth. “You shouldn’t have come.” His voice was quiet and gentle. A lethal blow served with serenity.
I recoiled and his hand slipped lower, his fingertips tracing the bare skin of my wrist. Sparks shot through my arm at the contact. I jerked, but his touch remained steady. His eyes searched mine. Softly he said, “You’re hurting.”
I freed my wrist from his fingers and wrapped my arms around myself. “I’m not hurt,” I whispered.
“You know what I mean.”
I scanned the trees, their withered bark green with moss. The air hung around us, heavy and humid. It had barely stopped raining over the last few days.
“Sometimes anguish can be so strong that it turns into something physical, something I can feel.”
“Can you heal it like you do wounds?” My voice was so quiet, I wasn’t sure he heard it over the pitter-patter of rain hitting the leaves above us. But then he shook his head. I nodded, blinking back the tears threatening to spill over my eyes. I took a shuddering breath. “So what did you tell your parents?” For a dangerous moment I’d wanted to say “our parents.”
Devon looked back at the house as if he could see them through the walls. “Major Sanchez told them. He said that Madison followed Ryan into the house and he killed her. I tried to save her, but it was too late.” His voice was hollow, the words mechanical.
“They believed him?”
Devon let out an empty laugh. “Do you even have to ask?”
I shook my head. Of course not. The story made sense. And Major could be very convincing.
He cleared his throat. “I need to get back inside. We have to leave soon.” His eyes held mine but they were guarded. “Tessa, I’m sorry. But I don’t think you should come. It’ll only make it worse.” Without another word he headed for the back door and disappeared inside.
• • •
Though Devon didn’t want me to attend the funeral, I couldn’t bring myself to leave. I’d come all the way from headquarters and risked everything to find closure.
The cemetery was crowded with people. Everyone, it seemed, felt compelled to say good-bye to a girl who’d died too young.
I followed in their wake—like a shadow. Tears rolled down my cheeks but they weren’t for Madison alone. I’d said good-bye to her weeks ago. This good-bye was for everyone. Linda and Ronald, Mom and Dad as I’d come to think of them, walked ahead of the crowd, the mourners right behind them like a cloud of sadness. But in front of them all, like a beacon of light, was Madison’s white casket. It glowed despite the gloom of the day.
People gathered around the hole in the ground. An ocean of black clothes and pale faces. So many faces I knew. People I’d called friends in recent weeks. People whose laughter was as familiar as my own. People who didn’t know the real me, and never would. I stood on a hill, shrouded between trees, with a good view over the gravesite. Nobody would notice me there.
Ana leaned against her stepfather, clutching at his coat. Her face was blotchy and for once she wasn’t wearing makeup. I felt a pang when I realized that the friendship I’d felt with her had never existed, our warmth had never been real.
I didn’t dare look at Linda and Ronald just yet, afraid of what I would see on their faces and how it would make me feel. I tucked my body behind one of the trees, afraid that if Devon caught sight of me he would come to send me away. Then something else caught my attention. A good distance behind the family stood a man in a black coat and sunglasses. He wasn’t paying attention to the funeral; he was staring at me. I didn’t recognize him, in fact I was fairly certain I’d never seen him before. Had I drawn attention to myself standing up here alone? Was it really that obvious that I didn’t belong here? He probably wondered why I was hiding between trees and gawking at him. I looked away and pulled up the collar of my coat.
The first notes sounded of the song her family had chosen. “The Rose.”
I stared at the golden pendant in my hand. When I looked up, my eyes finally sought out Madison’s family. Linda clutched the front of Ronald’s suit, her tearful, pale face half buried in his chest. I wanted to go over and wrap my arms around them. I wanted to tell them I was sorry—for more things than they’d ever know—and I wanted to tell them how much I’d come to care for them. I wanted to tell them that I’d do anything for parents like them.
Linda and Ronald walked up to the gaping hole in the ground and threw white roses on top of the casket. Devon was next, a few tears trailing slowly over his face. The others followed until an ocean of pure white covered the wood of Madison’s final resting place. Linda raised her head and for a moment our eyes met. My body flooded with stolen memories and emotions, and my heart swelled with a love I knew I shouldn’t feel. Her face showed no recognition at all. To her I didn’t exist and never would.
I clutched the rose pendant against my chest so tightly that the edges of it cut into my palm. It was a gift that wasn’t mine and never had been—like the love Madison’s parents had showed me. And yet sometimes I’d dared to imagine how it would be if they loved me, if someone loved me as unconditionally as they’d loved Madison.
More than two years had passed since I’d left home and not once had my mom tried to contact me, not once had she asked if I was well. She didn’t know a thing about my life now. Unconditional love was something my mother didn’t understand. My hand clenched until my nails dug into my skin, but no matter how hard I pressed, the ache deep within me overshadowed anything else I could possibly feel.
A gentle touch took hold of my hand and loosened my fist. The hand entwined its fingers with mine and I didn’t need to look up to know who it was. I’d recognize that smell of spring and spearmint, and the steely strength behind his careful touch, any time. He’d found me; he always did.
“What are you doing here?” I asked softly.
“Holly told me. I came looking for you. I knew Summers and Major wouldn’t have allowed you to attend the funeral, so I took a helicopter and rushed here.”
“Major let you take another helicopter? So he knows?”
“I didn’t ask him. But he’ll notice eventually.” His voice had a hard edge to it but softened for his next words. He had defied Major—for me? “My God, Tessa, I was so worried. You shouldn’t be here alone. You have no clue how dangerous it is out here.”
“Dangerous?”
“I overheard Major talking to Summers. Abel’s Army has a spy in town who kept an eye on Ryan and the investigations. They know far more than we realized. And do you think they would pass up the chance to kidnap you?”
“But why would they pay me any attention?”
“Major thinks that Abel’s Army realized the FEA sent you to pose as Madison and now they want you for themselves. He’s been discussing ways to protect you. They want to keep you on lockdown in headquarters until this whole thing blows over.”
I was still in shock. “But why would Abel’s Army want me?”
“You are far more valuable than you think.” For
a moment, he looked like he wanted to take the words back. Was there more? “Your Variation would be very useful to them. You can be whoever you want to be, whoever they want you to be. Just imagine the possibilities for someone as ruthless as Abel. Believe me, Abel’s Army would be crazy not to target you.”
I felt cold all over. My eyes searched the crowd for the spot where the man with the sunglasses had stood but he was gone. He hadn’t worn the glasses to hide his crying—he’d worn them to hide his eyes.
“There was a man with sunglasses. He was watching me.”
Alec gripped my shoulders. “Where is he?”
“I don’t know. He was there a minute ago, but he’s gone.”
“Are you sure he was looking at your face? That he saw your eyes?” His grip tightened until it was almost painful.
“I think so. His sunglasses blocked my view. But if they already know about me, it doesn’t really matter that he saw my eyes, right?”
He let go. “Right.”
That didn’t sound convincing.
“Look, we don’t know who the man was. Maybe he wasn’t even Abel’s Army. And I’m safe in headquarters.” I didn’t feel the certainty my voice conveyed.
“You’re right. They won’t get you. I won’t let them. I’ll do anything to keep you safe.” He sounded fierce, as if he’d do anything for me.
I didn’t look at him because then he’d have seen it all in my eyes.
“You mean too much to me, Tess.”
Those words ignited a hope I wanted to trample down with my FEA-assigned boots before someone else could, before he could.
“Why?” The choked sound gave it all away, laid me bare to him, made me vulnerable, but I couldn’t help it. I’d been strong for so long, and I was tired of it. So tired of it all.
“You know why.”
But those three words weren’t enough anymore. They would have been enough a month, even a week ago, but today I needed more. No more empty promises, no matter how beautiful they sounded.