Papa’s eyes were heavy with sadness as he walked toward me and Joel walked away, never once looking back. I stood there with Kira clinging to me, feeling like I’d lost the whole world, like I’d never be happy again. And when Papa reached me, I leaned into him with a burning throat, comforted by his big, strong arms as he whispered consolations in Russian. But I kept it together, transferring Kira to her mother before making a plate under my mother’s watchful eye.
So much of Russian happiness is tied up in food and the care of others, and they’re not afraid to tell you exactly what to do if they’re worried about your well-being. Like eat.
I picked at my food, opting mostly for pirogi. Because if ever there was a food that would solve problems, it would be chocolate-stuffed dumplings.
Our family friends left after a little while, and then it was just the Belousov clan, including Andrei. Once Mama, Roxy, and I had moved the food from the table and into the kitchen, we all sat down, with the exception of Kira, who had fallen asleep on the couch.
I scanned their faces, landing on Andrei. He sat next to Papa, the thinner, harder, less hairy version of his older brother. They had the same icy cold eyes, the same color hair, all salt and pepper, but that was where the similarities ended. His smile was thin and frosty where Papa’s was big and warm, Andrei’s jaw clean and sharp where Papa’s was hidden under his heavy beard.
“I want Mama and Papa to retire,” I said in Russian, without the energy to beat around the bush. “They can’t sell the business because you’ve been laundering money through the store. So, I have a proposition.”
His smile pulled up on one side. “Of course you do, Annika. You have my ingenuity. What do you propose?”
I sat straight enough it almost hurt, but he didn’t intimidate — I was angry and determined, but not intimidated. It was hard to be intimidated by a man who had given me piggyback rides and bought me ice cream.
“Pay Mama and Papa to manage the shop and hire some of your goons to run the day to day. They can’t sell, and they can’t quit the shop, so this way everyone wins. They can stay home, you can keep your front, and no one is the wiser.”
He shrugged lightly, still smirking. “This is fine. Better, even — we can do more without putting Maxim and Dina in harm’s way. I agree to your terms,” he said with a single nod in my direction.
I blinked, surprised it had been so easy. At least until I thought about it. He cared less about what my parents did and more about their happiness, which I knew. But for some reason I’d expected a fight. I relaxed, smiling back. “Thank you.”
“You are welcome. Anything else?” Still with the smirk.
“No, uncle.”
“Then it is my turn to thank you. You did all of this for Kira, and you helped your papa — you want the best for all of us. And Max, Dina, you have run that shop, never asking questions of me. For that, I am grateful.”
Papa nodded solemnly. “I would do anything you asked, brother.”
“And that is why I will happily agree to let you stay home without strings, without anything but my gratitude.”
Mama poured us all drinks, and we raised our glasses.
“Brotherhood is the best wealth,” Andrei said, and we poured the vodka down our throats in unison.
Exhaustion slipped over me as soon as I set my glass down, all my responsibilities now checked off, and I sagged a little. Roxy bumped me with her elbow.
“You ready? We should get Bunny home.”
I nodded. Mama loaded us up with leftovers, and we said our goodbyes before loading into the cab I called for the short ride back to our place. Kira didn’t wake at all that I saw, not as Roxy carried her inside or hauled her upstairs to put her in bed. I kicked off my shoes and walked into the living room, sinking into the couch with a sigh. Tears pricked my eyes when Kaz didn’t appear to jump in my lap, and everything felt lost, changed, foreign.
Roxy joined me a few minutes later, sitting silently next to me.
My eyes were on my feet propped on the coffee table. “That was a lot.”
She nodded, propping her feet next to mine. “It was.” She paused. “He came.”
I rested my head against the cushion behind me. “He did.”
“How do you feel?”
“Gutted.”
She didn’t speak for a second. “But he came.”
“Not for me. He made sure I knew.”
“Yeah.” More silence. “I’m sorry.”
My eyes were locked on a chip in my big toe’s polish. “It’s okay. Or it will be. I hope. Eventually.”
“You’re working tomorrow?”
I nodded.
“Is there any way to make it right with him?”
A lump climbed up my throat, and I swallowed, forcing it down. “I don’t know,” I answered quietly. “I don’t think so.”
“But you miss him.”
I bit my lip and nodded again.
Another sigh. “There’s got to be a way to fix this.”
“He’s done. I betrayed him, and that’s the unforgivable transgression in his world. I don’t even know how I still have a job, honestly. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m going in tomorrow just for the firing squad. I can’t do my job. Joel is done with me. The whole shop is. I thought I was so smart, thought I had a big plan to protect us both.” I laughed, the sound dry and tired. “I should have listened to Laney from the start.”
“But … I don’t know, Annika. I’ve never seen you like that with a guy. You were with him like you are with us, with your family. You were you, not work you, but the real you. I know he did that.”
“It doesn’t matter.” The ache in my chest twisted and burned. “I humiliated both of us. I’ve been insulted and rejected, and I can’t blame anyone but myself. I can’t even be mad because I earned this.” I took a breath. I let it out. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“All right,” she conceded.
But the white flag wasn’t enough, so I hauled myself off the couch. “I’m heading to bed.”
“Okay. Thanks for everything today. I’m glad it’s over.”
“Me too,” I said as I turned for the stairs, wishing the whole thing was over, even as I knew it had barely begun.
WORST CASE
Annika
I WOKE UP STILL EXHAUSTED from a fitful sleep, and as I got ready for work, I tried to prepare myself for the day. But I had no idea what I was preparing myself for. I had the suspicion that this was it — I couldn’t see a way to keep working on the show. Never mind Joel, that cause was lost. So lost. And I was still picking shrapnel out of my heart, piece by bloody piece.
I imagined talking to him, imagined him freezing me out again. Imagined him yelling, screaming like he did that day, the day when everything went nuclear. Imagined him forgiving me, holding me, telling me he understood, but only for a moment. A moment was all I could stand before I closed that hope behind an iron door.
The ride to work was quiet, and I steeled myself, ready as I could ever be for the unknown.
No one noticed my exit from the car or my entrance to the control room, everyone going about their business as if I were a ghost. The thought gave me no comfort as I walked into the office, finding Laney just where I knew she’d be. But when she looked up and smiled, I found a dangerous glimmer of hope again.
“Hey,” she started, closing her laptop. “How are you holding up?”
I assumed she was talking about my cat and said, “I’m okay, thanks. Kira wanted to have a funeral for Kaz, so we did that yesterday.” I took my seat, feeling stiff and uncertain. “How’s it going here?”
She sighed. “Better. It definitely helped having you out for a few days. I’ve got everyone starting to get back into a little bit of a rhythm, and they’re talking to me in one-on-ones, but it’s still tense.” She watched me for a beat. “You saw him yesterday?”
I nodded. “We didn’t really speak though.”
“I gathered that. He hasn’t said much, when he’s be
en here.” She folded her hands in her lap, sitting back in her chair. “I owe you an apology, Annika.”
I blinked once, stunned. “I’m sorry?”
She chuckled. “No, that’s my line.” She let out a slow breath, assessing me. “I’m sorry about this. About Joel. The show. My behavior. It’s just … this is exactly what I was trying to avoid. I saw this — you and Joel — coming a mile away, and it didn’t take me long to figure out that there was no way out of it for you without someone getting hurt. I know I didn’t go about it the right way, and I’m sorry for that too. I only wanted to stop you from this. Exactly this. You being unable to produce the show. Me being put in a position to have to figure out what to do with you. The shop being in the middle of a coup. I wanted to protect you, and I handled it all wrong, and for that, I’m sorry.”
I sat there with numb hands, surprised and full of shock. “I’m sorry for not listening. I thought I could handle it. Produce my way out of it.”
“And you might have been able to do it. But it just didn’t work out that way. I’m sorry we couldn’t film right away, but it just wasn’t possible, and I’m sorry you couldn’t tell him.”
“It’s all right. You were right — I know there was nothing we could have done.” I took a breath, steeling myself for the question I didn’t want to hear the answer to. “So, what are you going to do about me?”
“Well, I have a plan. But I don’t know if you’re going to like it.”
“Are you firing me?”
Her brow quirked. “What? No. Why would I do that?”
“Because you should have done it already.”
“I probably should have, but no. I’m not firing you. But you might find that preferable to what I have to offer.”
I recrossed my legs in an effort to relieve the squirmy feeling racing through me. “All right. Let’s hear it.”
“Well, as we well know, Tonic doesn’t want to talk to you. The footage from Joel’s table flip all included you. The interviews, you. You’re everywhere.”
A tingle worked its way up my neck, across my cheeks. “Oh, God. Laney, no.”
She nodded. “You’re a part of the show, and the only way out I can see is to stop fighting it and put you in front of the camera.”
I dropped my face into my palms, trying to keep my breath steady. “Fuck,” I said into my hands.
“You’ll still produce, just nothing inter-personal, and they’re going to fight you, but it’ll be on camera. You’ll work on the big segments and with scheduling and all, but I’ll do the rest. Basically, we’ll split the production up, both of us EP, but you’ll be in front of the camera too.”
I couldn’t even look at her. “You’re right. This might be worse than getting fired.”
She chuckled, and I sat up, feeling a little faint.
“He’s never going to go for this.”
She let out a long, slow breath through her nose. “It’s the only way I can see to keep you on the show in any context, so I hope you’re wrong.”
“When are you going to tell him?”
“Well, that all depends on you. First, do you accept?”
I thought it over for a second, but in the end, I knew she was right. “If it’s the only chance at keeping my job, then it’s worth a shot.”
“Good. So the next question is, do you want to tell him or should I?”
That one wasn’t answered so easily, and I sat back, considering it.
Sure, Laney could tell him, but I found myself not wanting to let her. Because the truth was, I missed him. Over everything, through all of it, he wouldn’t talk to me, really talk to me, and this was a chance, an opportunity to get him face to face. Maybe now he’d listen to me after the long days of silence, the two of us hurting in our own corners, alone. Maybe he’d talk to me. Maybe I could convince him to at least begin to forgive me.
“I’ll tell him,” I said and only hoped I wouldn’t regret it. I nibbled my bottom lip, already rolling over the speech I’d give him. “When?”
“Whenever you want. He’s downstairs now in the shop.”
“Now?” The word squeaked a little on the end.
“Yes, but you don’t have to go down there now. I was only saying he’s there.”
The thought of going down there made me feel sick. The thought of waiting, sitting here for any length of time just thinking about it, made me feel even sicker. So I stood and smoothed my skirt.
“Now’s good.”
She nodded. “You sure?”
But I was already heading for the door. “I’m sure.”
So down the stairs I went, adrenaline rushing through me until my hands were icy and shaking. Out the door of the building and into Tonic I walked, chin up, looking far more confident than I felt.
Joel sat at his desk sketching, his shoulders broad in a Henley. He turned and looked over his shoulder with a jovial expression that hardened the second he saw it was me. But I didn’t waver, just walked up to his booth with everyone watching me.
“May I have a word with you in your office?”
He didn’t answer, just burned a hole through me with his eyes as I stood there, waiting.
“It’s about the show.”
It was one of the few things he couldn’t refuse, just like I’d hoped. He stood, and I turned, walking back toward the office with my heart thumping like a drum.
He followed me in, and I nodded to the door. “Privately, please.”
Another hard look before he closed the door and stood almost against it, folding his arms across his wide chest, closing himself off to me.
I took a breath, my eyes on his. “Laney has a new plan for the show, and I need to discuss it with you before we can move forward.”
“Why couldn’t Laney talk to me about it?”
“Because it involves me, and I wanted to be the one to tell you.”
His eyes narrowed. “Tell me what?”
All of a sudden, I didn’t want to say it. I fought the urge to leave, to tell Laney she could tell him herself, or better yet, that I could just leave the show. But really, it was the last thing I wanted to do, to give up, to walk away from Tonic. From Joel.
“We can’t edit me out of the show. I’m already a part of it, and that’s what she wants me to do. Join the cast and produce the segments unrelated to the relationships in the shop.”
He said nothing. I waited. He didn’t speak.
“Joel, I know …” you’re angry, this isn’t easy, this sucks. It all felt wrong, shitty, trite. “I know I fucked up. I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I thought … I hoped you would understand. You told me you did, before, in the beginning. Because there was no way out for me. You have to know that. And now, the only way for me to keep my job is to join the cast. This is it.”
He swallowed, watching me like a wolf. “What do you want from me?”
Forgive me. Kiss me. Take me back. I took a breath. “I want to know if you’re okay with it. If you agree to work under those conditions.”
A flush crept into his cheeks as he drew in a breath. “You want to know if I’ll work with you in front of a camera when I don’t want to work with you behind the camera?” Incredulous, that was the only word to describe it.
“At least if I’m in front of the camera, it’s honest.”
A mirthless laugh shot out of him. “Honest. That’s fucking rich.”
My heart flinched at the insult.
Joel shook his head. “So, what? You want my blessing? Well, I’m not here to make you feel better about any of this, not when you’ve made the entire shop miserable. Not after what you’ve done.”
He couldn’t say it, what I’d done to him. I opened my mouth to speak, but he kept going, cutting me off.
“I can’t with you. I can’t hear your voice. I can’t see your face. I just … I can’t. But I don’t really have a choice, either. Do I? Because you and Laney will do whatever you want, and who gives a shit who you ruin along the way. It’s about your job. It’s a
lways been about your job. There’s no room in you for anything else. Not me, at least.”
“Joel, that’s not fair.” My nose burned, and I blinked to keep the tears back.
He fumed. “Don’t tell me what’s fair and what isn’t, Annika.” My name was a curse on his lips. “I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to see you, not in any context, in front of the camera, behind it, in the shop or out. I don’t want to even think about the fact that you exist in the universe because it’s just easier that way. So no. I won’t give you my permission to fuck with me any more than you already have.” He unfolded his arms, clenching his fists at his sides. “Anything else?”
I shook my head, my lips pursed, and he turned and pulled open the door with a whoosh before disappearing from the threshold. He’d taken everything I had left to give, except for one thing. Just one. And I’d give it gladly.
BULL IN A CHINA SHOP
Joel
THE REST OF THE DAY was a blur, a wash of emotions that I couldn’t sort through. I hated her. I wanted her. She hurt me. She healed me. And now, everything between us would be exposed and exploited on national television.
It was the absolute worst case scenario. And I knew she didn’t feel any better about it than I did. That, at least, gave me some comfort.
That night, I found myself sitting in my living room with Shep, sipping my beer to the sound of The Dandy Warhols. We hadn’t spoken in probably an hour, both of us lost in our thoughts. I was drained, sapped of all energy.
Until someone knocked on the door. Then I buzzed with anxiety that it was her.
Shep and I exchanged glances, and he got up to answer it as I stared straight ahead of me.
“What are you doing here?” he said in a tone that made me turn to see who it was.
It had been a couple of years since I’d seen Liz, but she looked much the same — chin-length black hair with straight bangs, big, blue eyes that went from sweet to crazy in a heartbeat, red lips that would curse you and kiss you in a breath.
“Good to see you too, Shep.” She met my eyes. “Can I come in?”
I stood, nodding my assent to Shep, who moved out of the way with a huff. “Guess so.” He watched her for a second as we stood across the room from each other. “Well, I’m gonna make myself scarce. Try not to break anything, okay?”