But it did.
And even if none of those mattered, their friendship should’ve been more than enough to warrant a freaking Hey in return.
She typed again, This is where you say Hey back.
But by the morning, he still hadn’t. She actually debated swinging by his place on her way to work to make sure he was okay, but he was probably fine and she’d end up seeming desperate and clingy. Sighing, Kristina shot off a new text, to Kate this time. You around tonight?
For YOU, always, she replied quickly, a lifeline Kristina didn’t realize she’d needed so desperately until she had it.
Breathing a sigh of relief, she responded, You are the literal best.
Of course I am!
If was the first thing that eked a smile out of Kristina since she’d awakened alone.
Kate agreed to stop by after a work dinner, which was perfect because Kristina really didn’t want to describe what had happened out in public. Not knowing Kate the way she did. When Kate arrived a little after nine, Noah still hadn’t responded. And she’d sent another text and tried calling him once, too.
“Uh oh,” Kate said, taking one look at Kristina as she walked in the door. Kate wore a form-fitting black suit and a pair of killer black heels. “What happened?”
“Want a glass of wine?” Kristina asked.
“I better not. I had two at dinner. But I think you definitely should.” She kicked off her heels and settled onto the couch.
“Ha, well, I had two already, too, but another one can’t hurt.” Kristina poured herself a glass of white and grabbed a Diet Coke for Kate.
“You have dark circles under your eyes,” Kate said as she accepted the can of soda. Kristina dropped on the couch next to her. “The only other time I think I’ve seen that was that time junior year when your dad disappeared and the police found him five days later wandering the streets in L.A.”
God, Kristina remembered that. He’d believed someone was trying to harm him, and that he had to get far away as quickly as he could. So he’d taken a taxi to the airport and purchased a ticket on the first flight that would take him far away, to L.A. The only reason he hadn’t left the country was because he hadn’t taken his passport. But for five days she and her mom had no idea where he’d gone or if he was even alive.
“Well, this isn’t about my dad,” she said. He’d been doing much better for the past year so, the result of a new combination of medications. Well enough that he was now selling the beautiful furniture he’d always loved to make by hand. “It’s about Noah.”
“After what you revealed at dinner the other night, I thought it might be.” Kate took a drink of her soda, and Kristina recounted what’d happened. She hadn’t gotten any further than telling about their just-sex/just-for-one-night agreement, when Kate interrupted. “Oh, honey.”
“Yeah.”
“Did you really think that would work?” Kate asked.
“Honestly, at the time, part of me thought it could work and part of me didn’t care. He needed me, and he wanted me, and I wanted him, too. So I decided it was worth the risk and I just…went for it.” Kristina pulled a pillow into her lap and hugged it against her stomach.
Kate’s gaze narrowed, but after a moment, she nodded. “Okay, fair enough. And?”
“And the short version is that we had sex five times, had a fun dinner together, and fell asleep together. And when I woke up in the morning, he was gone. And now he’s not responding to any of my messages.” Tears threatened, clogging her throat and pricking at the backs of her eyes.
“You know at some point I’m going to want all the sexy details,” Kate said, her expression sympathetic. For some reason, Kate taking this so seriously made the pull of those tears even greater.
“Yeah, I know,” Kristina said, her voice strained. She’d been resisting the urge to cry since she’d woken up alone yesterday morning, telling herself over and over again not to jump to conclusions.
But two days had passed, and now the pressure was building up inside her, and she wasn’t sure what other conclusion to come to other than he wasn’t responding on purpose. Because she knew for a fact that the Cortezes would’ve called her if he’d been in an accident or something. Heck, after Josh, she was the second person Mrs. Cortez had called when they’d learned what’d happened to Noah in Iraq.
Kate scooted closer, close enough that their knees touched, and she placed her hand on top of Kristina’s. “First of all, I get to call him a bastard for doing this to you. So, fucking bastard.”
Kristina gave a watery laugh.
“Second of all,” Kate said, squeezing her hand, “tell me where you’re at. Are you just upset that you two slept together and then he went back to the avoidance routine he’s been pulling the past few months, or is it more than that?”
Looking down at her lap, Kristina swallowed around that lump. And then tried again. But it was getting thicker and thicker. Tears spilled from the corner of her eyes. She forced a deep breath and shook her head, and then she managed a whisper. “I…” She shrugged. “Love him.”
Saying the words opened a flood gate inside her, and Kristina couldn’t fight the tears anymore. They fell no matter how many times she wiped them away. And no matter how hard she fought for composure, her breathing shuddered and hitched.
“Kristina,” Kate said. “You’ve loved Noah Cortez since the day I met you.”
And that was when Kristina really lost it. She curled around the pillow, and Kate put an arm around her and pulled her in.
Long minutes later, Kristina managed to calm herself down again, and she dried her face with the long hem of her top. “Okay,” she said blowing out a long breath. “Okay.” She sat back into the corner of the couch.
Kate braced her head on her hand. “Am I right?” she asked quietly.
“Maybe. I don’t know. Yes,” Kristina said, admitting what felt so obvious now, but what had eluded her before this moment. “I mean, he’s been my best friend since I was five years old, so I knew that I loved him. But somewhere along the way, I fell in love with him. I can’t even pinpoint exactly when it happened,” Kristina said, thinking over the past days and months. “But it was before we slept together, for sure. And now that we did that and I know how I really feel, I don’t know what to do.”
“Yes, you do,” Kate said, giving her a no-nonsense look.
Kristina’s stomach fell. “I have to tell him?”
Kate nodded. “You do. You owe it to yourself and to him. And if he can’t handle that or doesn’t reciprocate, you need to know that, too.”
“But what if I just…I don’t know, played it cool? See how things are between us? See if things progress naturally?” She picked at the white fringe on the edge of the pillow.
“Do you really want to put on an act for the man who has been your best friend all these years and who is the man you now love?”
Well, when she put it like that, it didn’t sound nearly as rational. “No, of course not, but—”
“Look, Kris, I said this the other night. There’s no going back. There’s only going forward. And you can’t do that based on lies. Right?”
Kristina’s shoulders fell, but this straight talk was exactly why she’d needed to see Kate. “Yeah.”
Kate gave her hand another squeeze. “Then it sounds like you need to see him as soon as you can. You won’t know anything ‘til you do.”
“Tomorrow’s the last day of school,” Kristina said, thinking out loud. “I could head over to his place as soon as I finish cleaning out my classroom.” It was a half day, and the teachers and staff usually stayed around for a lunchtime party. She could leave right after that.
“Sounds like a plan,” Kate said.
But whether it was a good plan remained to be seen.
Chapter Fourteen
Kristina stepped up to Noah’s apartment door full of determination. Part of which had been fueled by Kate, who’d been sending her encouraging texts all morning. Things like,
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Stop waiting for Prince Charming. Go find him. The poor idiot may be stuck up in a tree or something.
COURAGE: Do one brave thing today…then run like hell.
Just chuck it in the fuck it bucket and move on!
Stay stroganoff. Which she quickly followed up with, Bahahaha! Best autocorrect ever!
Kristina knocked on the door. After about a minute, she did it again. Glancing out at the parking lot, she reconfirmed that Noah’s car was here. She waited another minute or two, and knocked a third time, this time with her fist instead of her knuckles.
She pulled out her cell and texted him, I’m not leaving until you open your door.
Twin reactions coursed through her—irritation at his continued avoidance, and worry that maybe there was a reason he wasn’t answering.
She texted again, I’m using my key to come in.
At that, she dropped her phone in her purse and dug out her keys, which included the one he gave her last weekend. She slid the key in the lock and opened the door.
Inside, everything was quiet and dim, all the slats on the blinds pulled shut. “Noah?”
She dropped her purse on the coffee table and passed through the big open living area to the hall that led toward his bedroom, the bathroom, and the office. Something crunched underfoot.
Frowning, Kristina reached into the bathroom and flicked on the light switch. The bathroom mirror was shattered in a giant spider web of cracks that radiated out from a single, central break.
Kristina rushed toward the bedroom and pushed through the mostly closed bedroom door.
Noah was sprawled on his stomach wearing only a pair of black boxers, most of the sheets, blankets, and pillows knocked to the ground. Blood stains streaked across the top of the sheets. Kristina’s stomach fell to the floor and she was on the bed in an instant, grasping his shoulder as gently as she could in her growing panic. “Noah.” She shook him.
He came awake on a holler and flipped over, pinning her to the mattress with his forearm high across her chest. The movement was so fast and so unexpected that it’d happened before she fully realized what he was doing.
She should’ve known better than to scare him awake like that. “Noah, it’s Kristina!”
“Kris?” He flew back off of her onto his knees and kept on going, stumbling off the edge of the bed and backing into the chest of drawers beyond it. “What? What are…” He shook his head, then dropped it into his hand on a groan.
“I’m sorry I scared you,” she said, her heart racing in her chest. “You weren’t answering your door and then I saw the broken glass and the blood.” And now that she was regaining her wits about her, she noticed something else. A sickly sour smell. Sitting up, she saw a plastic trash can pulled to the side of the bed, something watery sitting in the bottom of it. “You got sick?” she asked, looking back to him again. “Jesus, Noah, what happened?”
He staggered to the edge of the bed and sank down onto it, his back toward her. He braced his elbows on his knees and stared down at the ground. “Please go,” he said.
“What? No. You need me,” she said, standing up.
“No. No, I don’t. I want you to go.”
“Well, that’s too damn bad.” She turned on the bedside lamp.
Noah groaned.
“Let me see your hand,” she said, coming around to his side of the bed.
“It’s fine.” He blocked whatever injuries he had with his good hand.
“The sheets look like it bled a lot. You could need stitches.”
“I don’t.” He spoke without looking at her.
Sighing, Kristina turned away, grabbed the trash can, and carried it into the bathroom.
“Don’t go in there,” Noah called.
Ignoring him, she tried to step around the broken glass, most of which covered the sink and vanity, and dumped the contents of the bucket into the toilet. She flushed on a grimace, then put the bucket under the bathtub faucet and filled it halfway up to rinse it out.
Standing in the bedroom doorway, she saw he hadn’t moved from where she’d left him. “When was the last time you ate?”
“I don’t want you here, Kristina,” he said, shoulders rounded and down.
“Too bad.” She pushed away the hurt his words caused, because she could only imagine how much he’d hate anyone seeing him this way. But none of that mattered right now. Not why she’d come or what she’d wanted to tell him or what might or might not be going on between them. Not when he was in such bad shape. “I’ll sweep up the bathroom floor and then make you something to eat. Then maybe you could take a shower.”
“Don’t touch a piece of that glass,” he said, heaving himself to his feet. He turned to her, and holy crap, his abdomen looked noticeably leaner since she’d seen him three days ago, and his face appeared almost gaunt. He came around the end of the bed.
Kristina stepped right in his way. “Listen to me, Marine. You’ve been puking and you’re bleeding all over the place, so I’m giving the orders and I’m telling you to sit your stubborn ass down and give me five freaking minutes to take care of you.” She jabbed her finger toward the bed.
He glared at her for a long minute, then sat wearily, like even that took some effort.
Satisfied that he was going to cooperate, at least for the near future, she found the broom and dustpan tucked into the gap beside the refrigerator. She finished rinsing out the trash can and then cleaned all the broken glass off the sink and vanity into it.
“I hate that you’re doing that,” he said from the other room, his tone full of frustration.
“I know,” she called back. What had made him punch the mirror? Between this, the weight loss, and getting sick, something bad had been happening to him the past few days. That much was clear.
The tile in the bathroom and the hardwoods in the hall made sweeping what had fallen to the floor fairly easy, but it took it a few minutes to wipe up all the little tiny slivers. When she was done, she spread out a big towel on the floor of the bathroom just in case she’d missed anything.
“Bathroom’s all yours,” she said.
Then she went on a hunting and gathering mission in his kitchen, where she was hoping to find— Yup. At least some things didn’t change. Among the boxes of cereal and protein bars, he had a whole stack of instant cup of noodles soup. For some reason, he’d always loved the stuff.
Down the hall, the bathroom door clicked shut. A moment later, the beat of the shower water sounded out.
She nuked a big cup of water, spending the time wondering what had happened to him while she’d been fretting about him not calling. Guilt settled on her shoulders like a wet woolen blanket. She should’ve come sooner.
The microwave dinged and she poured the near-boiling water into the soup’s Styrofoam container. By the time the noodles were soft, the shower water was off again.
She set everything on the table and sat down to wait.
A few minutes later, Noah emerged wearing a pair of old black sweat pants and a gray T-shirt with water droplets showing through the cotton where he hadn’t bothered to dry off. And, God, he was beautiful to her even when he was so torn apart. He sat heavily in the chair beside her. “Kristina—”
“Eat first, talk second.”
He grumbled under his breath but picked up his spoon and dug into the broth. Noah ate slowly at first, but then much quicker, like he was so hungry he couldn’t get the food in fast enough. Band-Aids covered four places on his knuckles and fingers, and the bruising looked worse this time than when he’d gone head-to-head with the shower tiles. Without asking, she made him a second container of soup. He ate that one slower, but finished every last bit of it.
“When did you last eat?” she asked.
“I can talk now?” He gave her a look.
She gave him one right back.
“I’m not sure,” he said. “What, uh, what day is it?”
The question was like a sucker punch to the gut. She nearly gasped. “It’
s Friday afternoon,” she managed.
“Uh, then, yesterday morning. I think. I had some cereal.”
And she’d seen what had become of that.
“What’s going on with you?” Everything inside her wanted to reach out to him, touch him, comfort him, but he was radiating a desire for space so loudly that it nearly hurt her ears.
Staring down at the table, he shook his head. “Not in a good place right now. Had another flashback. Flipped out over it, and then I felt so drained all I wanted to do was sleep. So that’s what I did.”
An ache bloomed inside her chest. “What made you get sick?”
“My equilibrium was all fucked up and it made me nauseous.” God, his voice sounded so flat.
“Is it better now? Do you need me to drive you to your doctor?”
He lifted his eyes to her, and they were flat, too. “Why are you doing this?”
“Why am I—” She shook her head and bit her tongue, taking a moment to rein in the anger his question caused. “You know why I’m doing this, Noah.”
He didn’t say anything for a long minute.
She rose and started clearing his place. He gently grabbed her hand. “Stop. Just stop.”
Kristina sank back into her chair. And for possibly the first time in her life, she had absolutely no idea what to say to Noah Cortez.
No way was she sharing her feelings when he was like this. But asking questions didn’t seem to be helping him. And it felt like they were two sentences away from an argument she had no interest in having.
“I texted you,” she finally said. “I was…worried.”
He gave a tight nod. “I saw a few, but then my battery died. I’m not even sure where my phone is right now.”
“Why didn’t you respond?” she asked, working hard to keep her tone neutral. Because she really didn’t want to fight with him.
A long pause. “I didn’t know what to say.”
The echo of her own thoughts from a moment ago made her heart feel like it was about to break in half. “Anything would’ve been better than nothing.”
He chuffed out a humorless laugh. “Nothing.” He shook his head. “You’re right. Anything would be better than nothing. But neither would be as much as everything.”