“Gossip sites? You don’t seem like the type that would be into those.”
Brooke slapped me playfully on the arm. “Please, I have to get some excitement out of life some kind of way. Heaven knows that I don’t have anything going on.”
“So what’s the latest?”
“Ah, see, you’re nosy, too, Damon.” We continued walking toward the sports-figures section. “Well, that rapper Taariq is dating Reaction and his girlfriend Ana Marie found out about it. They’ve been all over the place lately. Taariq is claiming that Ana Marie used to turn tricks, and Reaction is saying that she’s pregnant. It’s what they call a hot ghetto mess.”
“Sounds like it,” I said, then laughed. “You’re really into that stuff.”
Brooke stopped in her tracks and stared at me. “What?”
“I’m just saying. I didn’t peg you for the type.”
“Look, if people want to put their business out in the streets, why shouldn’t I listen to it?”
“True.” I got excited when I saw the Muhammad Ali wax figure. I handed Brooke the camera. “Take my picture with Ali.”
As she was snapping the photo, an older couple walked by. The woman said, “Want me to take one of both of you?”
Brooke said, “Yes,” then handed the woman the camera. “That would be great.”
The man stated, “That’s the only thing about coming places as a couple. You never have someone else to take the pictures. Gloria and I have been going through that for fifty-six years now.”
Brooke was standing on the opposite side of Ali, grinning from ear to ear, as the woman took our picture.
“Fifty-six years?” I said after I finished posing. “How do you two do it?”
The couple looked at each other with a love in their eyes as if they had just met. “I knew Randolph was the man for me the first time I laid eyes on him,” Gloria replied.
Randolph chuckled. “Yeah, she did, even though I was engaged to someone else.”
Brooke walked closer to them. “Really? So she stole you away from the other woman?”
“She stole my heart and I had no choice but to leave. I couldn’t live a lie.” He looked at his wife and took her hand into his. “Never regretted my decision for a single day.”
Gloria looked Brooke dead in the eyes. “That’s what’s important in life, dear. Not having any regrets. If you care about someone, you need to tell them. You need to show them. Otherwise, you might never get that chance.” Then she stared at me. “Every once in a while, God winks at you.”
“What does that mean?” Brooke asked.
“It means that He’ll let you know where you’re really supposed to be, even if you are in the wrong place.”
“We’d better get going, Gloria.” Randolph glanced at his watch and then at us. “We’re supposed to be having dinner with the grandkids.”
I asked, “How many do you have?”
“Eight,” Gloria replied. “Our life is full of love.” She leaned forward and whispered something in Brooke’s ear. Then she gazed at me and walked off, with Randolph behind her.
“You all have a nice day,” Brooke called after them.
After they were out of earshot, I asked, “What did she say to you?”
Brooke blushed, then shrugged her shoulders. “It wasn’t important.” She walked over to Tiger Woods, who was about to take a shot on a golf course. “Take my picture with Tiger.”
I decided to drop it—for then. We still had quite a few sections to walk through, and I had some other plans that Brooke knew nothing about.
“This is so beautiful.” Brooke was sprawled out on the blanket at Hains Point, watching the planes fly overheard—both military and commercial. The water of the Potomac River was glistening, even though it was full of pollution. “I can’t believe that I’ve never done this.”
“Been here?” I took out the bottle of sparkling apple cider from the picnic basket I had prepared and started opening it. “This place has been around forever.”
“I’ve never been here and I’ve never been on a picnic.”
“Are you serious?”
“I mean, my parents took me on picnics once or twice of course, and I’ve been to my share of cookouts, but not a picnic. Not like this, with a …” She paused. We both knew she meant a romantic picnic with a man.
“Well, I’m honored to be the first.”
My cell phone started vibrating in my pocket again and I knew it was Carleigh. She had been blowing it up, practically since I’d left home. I was not feeling good about myself or my actions; not at all.
Brooke was looking at me strangely. “Damon, is something wrong?”
“No, what makes you think that?”
“The expression on your face, maybe.”
I grinned. “I’m starving; that’s all. Let’s dig in.”
Brooke smiled. “What you got in there?” she asked, eyeing the picnic basket.
“I’ve got some blue cheese and pecan over spring-mix salad, some turkey-and-Gouda-on-rye sandwiches, and some mixed tropical fruit.”
“Wow. Sounds gourmet. You didn’t fix this stuff, did you?”
“Actually, I did. Something else you didn’t know about me. I love gourmet cooking. One day, I’ll have to fix you my specialty—beef burgundy.”
“Damn, that sounds great.” She picked up half of a sandwich. “And this smells delicious.”
“Dig in.” I sat there and watched her take the first bite. She definitely was feeling the taste. “I have plenty.”
After we finished eating, I don’t know what overcame me, but the next thing I knew, I was spilling my guts.
“Brooke, I want you to listen to me, and don’t say anything.”
She had been lying down, looking at the sky, but she sat up when I said that.
“No matter what comes out of my mouth, promise me that you won’t comment until I’m done.”
She reluctantly said, “Okay,” and stared at me.
“I’m sure it’s obvious to you that we’re playing with fire. There’s something going on between us, and it’s growing deeper. Sure, it may have started out because of the accident. That’s how we initially crossed paths, but, like they always say, everything happens for a reason.
“We saw each other in the gym before then and maybe we were supposed to connect then, but it wasn’t the time. It wouldn’t have had the same impact as what happened.” I looked down at my prosthetic arm. “You were right when you told me last night that I’d gained something when I lost my arm. I gained a new outlook on life, on what’s important.”
Brooke seemed like she was dying to say something, but held it back.
“My wife always saw me as a trophy; something that she could show off to her friends. I was the perfect man, in her eyes, and that’s the only reason she ever wanted me.”
Brooke sighed and bit her bottom lip.
“After I lost my arm, I wasn’t perfect anymore. She began to distance herself from me. She became ashamed of me. Now I think she’s beginning to regret it, maybe, but she’s already proven that her love for me wasn’t unconditional. When you get married, it’s supposed to be for better or for worse, in sickness and in health. When I said those words to her, I meant them. She was everything to me. I wanted to put the sunshine on her face every day. I wanted to protect her, to be her knight in shining armor. In a sense, I guess that I was being that knight when I pushed her out of the way of that SUV.
“I don’t regret doing it. Like that couple said earlier, life shouldn’t be lived shrouded in regrets.” I reached out and touched Brooke’s cheek. “I don’t regret the way I feel about you, either. I love you, Brooke. I do.”
She pulled her face away from me and started to fight back tears.
“But you and I both know that I’m not the kind of man who could cheat on his wife. I’m tempted, and for the first time in my life, I can understand how it’s possible. How a good man, a really good man, could stray outside of his marriage. I used t
o look down on my friends who did it, even though most of them do it for the sex. I still don’t agree with that. But what about when there are genuine feelings involved? When two people honestly fall for one another and one or both of them is already taken? What happens then?”
Brooke blurted out, “I have to say something.”
“No,” I said, holding a finger to her lips. “Let me finish, please.”
She nodded and motioned for me to continue.
“Carleigh’s not the best wife in the world, but I never expected her to be. I never believed that she was perfect, and I didn’t marry her because I thought she was. I married her because I thought she was my soul mate. What’s happening between you and me is not her fault, and she can’t suffer for our actions.
“What I’m saying is, if Carleigh and I don’t work out, I’ll be making a beeline for your door. But that’s not fair either, and I don’t expect you to wait for something that may or may not happen. I can’t simply leave her. She doesn’t deserve that. While she did treat me badly right after the accident, she didn’t walk away from me, and she could have. I’ve read a lot of stories about people who’ve become disabled and their spouses divorce them. She hasn’t done that.”
Brooke stood up and walked over to the railing by the river. Her back was to me and I could tell that she was crying, trying to prevent me from seeing it. I followed her and put my arms around her waist. She rested the back of her head on my chest.
“Brooke, you are so special, so damn special. You need a man who can give you everything that you need, and not only part of it. I wish that I could be that man. That I could be the one to greet you every day when you come home from your new career at the pharmacy. That I could be the one to run you a bubble bath every night, to wash your hair for you, and rub your feet. That I could cook for you, clean for you, make love to you, and make you feel special.” I paused. “But I can’t be that man.”
She tried to pull away from me, but I wouldn’t let her.
“I realize that I’m the one who’s been asking to spend so much time together. I realize that I’ve fanned these flames, and that’s not fair.” I shut my eyes, hating to have to say the words that would come out next. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore. If we don’t stop this, I’m going to lose all self-control and we’re going to end up making love, no matter how much we try to fight it. If I could, I’d be inside of you right this very second. When I’m near you, all I think about is touching you, tasting you, becoming one with you. We’ve got to stop this train before it wrecks.”
When Brooke tried to pull away from me again, I let her go, now fighting back my own tears. She walked a couple of feet from me and turned around. Her eyes were bloodshot and she was wiping them with her sleeve.
“Please, just take me home,” she whispered.
“Don’t you have anything else to say?”
“You told me not to say anything.”
“Until I was finished. Now, I’m finished.”
“No, now we’re finished.”
It hurt to hear her speak that out loud, even though she was right. We had to stay away from each other. That was the only way to ensure that we wouldn’t end up doing the unthinkable.
Brooke walked back to my car while I gathered up all of the picnic items. Then I drove her back to Destiny’s apartment in complete silence. No talking, no radio, no breathing.
As I watched her disappear into the building, I wondered what life would be like without seeing her face, hearing her voice, watching her smile.
“You’re doing the right thing,” I told myself as I pulled slowly away from the curb.
Brooke
July 22, 2008
DESTINY walked into my bedroom, passed my bed, and opened the blinds. “I’m not taking one more day of this shit!”
I sat up. “What’s wrong? Did something happen with Harold?”
She plopped down beside me. “No, I’m talking about you, heifer. I’m sick of you moping over that married-ass man.”
“Don’t go there.” I put my index finger up to her face. “I don’t want to talk about Damon.”
“You need to get over him. He did the right thing, and you know it. You have no business being someone’s mistress.”
“This coming from the woman who always proclaims that we all have to get used to sharing dick?” I lashed out in anger. “At least he cares about me. A lot of women are sleeping with someone else’s man and they don’t give a shit about them.”
“So you did sleep with him?” Destiny folded her arms across her lap. “Lying ass.”
“No, I kissed him. Like I said.” I wanted to kick myself in the ass for telling Destiny everything that had gone down between Damon and me. But I needed to vent and I didn’t have anyone else to talk to. “Would I have slept with him? Probably. Definitely, if things had gone there, but they didn’t. He made sure of that.”
“And you need to get down on the ground and kiss his feet.” She smacked her lips. “Okay, I admit that I know Harold fucks around, but I can handle it. I expect it; I accept it. You’re not that chick. You couldn’t handle Patrick’s escapades, and he damn near worshipped the ground you walked on.”
“He’s been calling me lately.” I sighed. “Patrick’s trying to get back into the picture.”
“Did you speak to him?”
“No, I never answer. I let his calls go straight to voice mail.”
“And he leaves messages?”
“Yeah, asking me to call him back. He wants another chance. Blah, blah, blah.”
“Blah, blah, blah, nothing.” Destiny stood back up and walked toward the door. “Patrick loves you. He’s willing to provide for you, even marry you. Men like him don’t come walking into our lives every day. You never realized how lucky you were to have him. You need to rethink what you’re doing.”
She left out and slammed the door. I got up and put on a bathrobe, then glanced at my pile of textbooks in the corner. I was falling behind, but I was determined to achieve something in my life. I sat down at my desk and opened up a book on prescription pills. My mind kept wandering to Damon, which it always did. I missed him. When he told me that he loved me that day, I wanted to say the words back to him so badly. I’d tried to sugarcoat my feelings, pretend like they were innocent and friendly. But I did love him, more than anything.
They say that love is the best emotion in the world. But what about when you are not free to love? Damon did the right thing by saying that we should not be around each other. We were dating, regardless of what we made it out to be. I am sure that he had started lying about his whereabouts to his wife, and he was not the type of man to feel comfortable running around behind a woman’s back. That was a positive trait about him, and I didn’t want to ruin it. He was a good man, one of the last good men. I only hoped that Carleigh appreciated what she had.
Tony was on the prowl again during the dinner shift. This time, his mark was openly gay, like him, but he was on a date with his man. Tony didn’t give a flying shit though. He was going to get him some.
“Look at the two of them over there, all lovey-dovey.” He was staring at the two men in a corner booth. Both very attractive. “The one in the blue shirt has been checking my ass cheeks out since they came in here.”
“How do you know he’s been looking at your ass?” I asked Tony as I cut a piece of pecan pie for a customer. “You have eyes in the back of your head?”
“Don’t need them. I can sense it. When a man wants a piece of me, my ass starts twitching in anticipation.”
I decided to be nosy. “Can I ask you something?”
Tony was putting two glasses of soda and two glasses of water on a tray. “Sure, give me a second though.”
He took the tray over to a family of four and took their order. As he was passing the table with the two men, he paused and said to the one in the blue, “Can I get you anything else?”
The other man, in black, jumped in. “We’re fine. Thank you.??
? The sarcasm in his voice was heavy. “When you get a chance, just bring us the check.”
Tony was rolling his eyes as he walked back toward me. I’ll be damned if the one in the blue was not boring a hole in Tony’s ass though. Tony knew his shit.
“He is staring at your ass,” I informed him, as soon as he made it back to me. I’d dropped off the pecan pie to my counter customer while Tony was gone.
“Chile, I know what’s up!” Tony flung his head back over his shoulder and winked at the one in the blue. He blushed in return. “What did you want to ask me?”
“This may be none of my business, and goodness knows I have no practical reason for wanting to know this, but …”
“Spill it already.”
“I hear you talk a lot about men wanting your ass, so does that mean that you’re a bottom?”
“Indeed.” Tony turned around and started popping his ass up at me. “Bottom’s up.”
“You’re wild.” He turned back to me. “So you never do the giving?”
“I have but it’s really not my thing.”
“So when a man decides that he’s gay, how does he—”
“Men don’t decide shit. I get so tired of people assuming that we wake up one day and decide to fall in love with dick. You’re either gay or you’re not gay. I don’t believe in any of that bisexual nonsense either. Some gay men sleep with women, but they’re still gay. There’s no such thing as partiality or going both ways.”
“I feel you, but what I’m asking is, how do you determine whether you want to be a top or a bottom? Do you experiment with both and then make a choice? Do you do both an equal amount of the time? When you have a lover, do you do each other? How does that work?”
Tony looked at me like I was crazy. “What? You dating a gay man or something?”
I frowned. “I’m not dating anyone. Nobody wants me.”
“Aw, hell, not a pity party.” Tony ran his fingers through my hair. “Look at you, Brooke. You’re gorgeous, even when you walk around here acting like the sky has fallen. You’ve just been dealing with the wrong assholes, that’s all. The right man will come along.” He paused and cleaned out some dirt from his fingernail. A nasty act, considering he was serving food. “What about that tall drink of water who came in here looking for you a few weeks ago, when Hank the Stank gave you some time off?”