"Yes, they were, and your poor father, may he rest in peace, was so ashamed."
'Thank you for that information, mama. I never meant to hurt either of you."
"NO, and you don't now either. You just have a very stubborn streak and it costs you and your family dearly. You think that you can do exactly as you please and there aren't going to be any consequences. Well, if you hadn’t run off with that straggly lunatic, you would probably be married by now."
"I've admitted that Grigori was a mistake. I've paid the price. What more do you want from me."
"That long dirty hair of his, what were you thinking?'
"Mama, enough about the past and Grigori, this conversation is going nowhere. Jan is on his way, and if you don't mind I'd like to get ready."
"Sure, go ahead. You paid the price alright and you'll pay again with this one. You're gonna see."
Shaking her index finger at me like a knife my mother always knew the perfect words to cut to the core of my being.
At six thirty, Jan arrived as he did every evening. Placing a basket of strawberries on the table he turned to me and handed me a box of chocolates.
"I went into town to get these for you. I hope you like them"
"Thank you. I'm sure I will."
"Chocolate is no good for your skin" my mother grimaced.
"Thank you for the advice, mama, Jan and I are going out for a walk"
We left.
"Excuse her, she's afraid of you, because you aren't Rom."
"It's okay, I'll win her over. It might take time, but I'll do it." He smiled and I saw those dimples again.
Jan was a good listener, and I had a lot to talk about. It had been so long since I had the luxury of leaning on anyone. I was the one mama depended upon and it was my responsibility to be strong.
I told him, as we sat under a weeping willow tree, how I had learned to trade horses with the gago. Instead of being put off, I saw appreciation in his face. Against better judgment, I invited him to come and eat with my mother and me and then to watch the girls dance at the campfire.
"Will you dance for me?"
"Me? I haven't danced in years."
"Did you forget how?" he winked
"You never forget."
"Then you'll dance for me?"
I couldn't help but laugh. He had this way of looking at me with his head tilted and a twinkle in his eyes that sent a warm glow through my entire body.
The night he came for dinner, I was nervous. I wasn't sure what my mother might say to him, or how the others would treat him. But he didn't care. His eyes never left me. And, for the first time since I met Grigori I joined the girls in the dance. Jan sat with his legs crossed under him and watched me. He never looked at any of the others.
I danced for him.
The violins played the haunting Romany melodies and as I twirled my china blue skirts floated in waves around my body. My hair was loose and black curls fell about my face as the campfire burned like the passion between Jan and I.
When the rest of the Kompania took their eiderdowns out and laid them under the stars, I took Jan's hand and led him away. I caught the look of horror on my mother's face, but I did not turn back.
For a mile we strolled silently hand in hand bathed by the illumination of a full moon. I looked up at the sky and saw a falling star.
"Look quickly, do you see that? It's a falling star. Make a wish, if you do it will come true."
He closed his eyes and I watched him take on a serious expression as he spoke to the dropping silver speck of light.
"Little star it is my wish that you make this woman love me as much as I have come to love her."
He was so genuine. When he looked at me with eyes bright, innocent and blue, I felt a slight twinge in my heart.
"I do love you." He said.
I believed him.
For the first time, he kissed me. It was a soft and gentle kiss. Taking me in his arms I felt the powerful muscles close gently around me enveloping me in a cocoon of strength and safety. His warm lips brushed against mine.
I took his hand and guided him to the ground.
It was I who initiated our love making.
He would never have been so bold. Not because he was weak, but he would never have risked offending me.
I slipped my blouse over my head and let my skirts fall to the ground. Standing naked before him, I saw the desire and admiration in his eyes. I knelt beside him and unbuttoned his shirt. He reached up and caressed my face with a gentle hand. Then I unbuttoned his pants. As light as a breeze, I ran my fingers across his chest and then his stomach. I felt the hard muscles jerk with excitement beneath my hands. I wanted to explore and come to know every part of him.
"You never cease to amaze me." The hoarseness in his voice caused a shiver between my thighs.
I removed his pants and kneeling between his legs I took him into my hands. He was hard and throbbing. Leaning over I allowed my hair to brush his bare thighs. His body quivered. Placing my lips over his erect manhood, I listened as he sighed deeply. Kissing, licking and sucking him almost caused him to lose control.
Lifting me up to his face he kissed me and looked into my eyes and then carefully placed me on my back. Deliberately and unrushed, he kissed every inch of my body lingering with his lips and tongue as if I were a fine wine to be savored. Finally when we joined as one he never closed his eyes.
"I want to look at you. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."
Our bodies moved together in a rhythmic dance of heated passion and when we reached our climax it was me first and then him just seconds later.
He was a tender, considerate lover. I felt as if my body were being worshiped. To him I was a Goddess, and he made sure I knew it.
When it was over, he held me for a long time running his hand through my hair.
"Marry me. I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone or anything. I realize we might have a difficult time, but I'm willing to fight for you, you're worth it. I'll win your mother, and your people, and mine will accept us or they can be damned. You're everything I have ever wanted."
I felt the tears begin to well in the back of my eyes.
"Jan, before I can say yes, there is something that I must tell you. Once you know you might change your mind, you may not want to have anything to do with me.
"I doubt that. There is nothing that you could tell me that would ever change how I feel about you."
"Before you say that, perhaps, you should listen."
Chapter Eight….
M
y temples pounded and I felt dizzy like I'd gotten up too quickly after lying down for a long time. I had to tell him. Finally I might have a good life, a husband, perhaps children. With all of this at stake I could have chosen to keep my secrets, but what kind of marriage would we have? No I decided, as it became difficult to take a deep breath, he had always been truthful with me so he deserved honesty. So, I would let the cards fall where they may.
"Jan," I swallowed hard, my throat as rough as sand, "there was another man before you."
"Who was he?"
" He was a healer. Some called him the mad monk because of his wild eyes and black robes that he wore. I met him when my family traveled through Siberia."
"Did you love him?"
" I was so very young," I licked my lips pleading, praying he would understand " and he was powerful, much older and persuasive."
I dropped my head, I could not look at him, I could not bear to see the pain I knew would be in his face. Instead I ran my fingers over the fabric of my skirts, twisting the cotton in my sweaty hands. "I became pregnant, and because of it, for a while, I left the Kompania."
I told him everything, all of it. It felt like my heart had opened and my life's blood was pouring out. In a small voice, barely audible, I explained how Grigori had been like a drug to me. He possessed me.
Jan listened quietly as I divulged the powers I had and the spell I cast on Grigori
to keep him safe from danger. Because of his way of living he had many enemies. I could not heal, or protect him from disease, but as long as he carried my blessing he could not be murdered.
I went on to tell him about losing the baby and the terrible dark winter when Grigori left me alone. I described that small empty room in Siberia where the walls felt as if they would cave in on me, and the frigid cold and endless loneliness I suffered. And then I told him about the guilt I felt for bringing shame upon our family and causing the death of my father.
In the moonlight, his eyes looked glassy as if he were going to cry. Beneath me the dew on the grass felt cold although it was a warm night. I felt a shiver rise up the back of my neck and run its icy finger through my hair. I was sure I had lost him. Why would a man want a woman who was so tarnished?
Without a word he got up. My heart was pounding so hard I was afraid I would vomit. I thought that he would walk away leaving me alone to endure this life I had made for myself, but he didn't. He came to me and took me in his arms. Tears of joy mingled with tears of regret and also of relief spilled down my face washing away the anguish, and for the first time in my life I felt safe. I sobbed in his arms and his tenderness allowed me to do so. I had never said this before, to anyone.
"I love you."
"Oh God, that is all I've ever wanted in life. I love you more than I ever loved anyone. You are more precious to me than everything that I own. More precious than my life."
He began kissing me and once again we lay together.
When I told my mother that Jan and I planned to marry she was furious.
"So, he's gonna give up his farm and he's gonna move into our wagon with us?"
"No mama, I'm gonna move on to his farm and you're welcome to come and live with us."
"You would do this to me? You would make me live under his roof, and I'm gonna be obligated to him?"
"No, I'm not going to make you do anything. Jan was nice enough to offer to take to you in, if you don't want to come that's your choice. I can find one of the other families to take you along with them."
"Such a headstrong girl. What a terrible curse. How did you get this bad? Before you met that slob you weren't so ornery."
"Mother, I'm not. But, I love Jan and I want to marry him. Please try to understand that you cannot control my life the way you could papa."
"Oh if your father were alive, you would never treat me like this. No...not if he were here. But since I'm nothing but a lonely widow, you think....ehh...so what...I leave my mother behind to fend for herself. She's old, she won't live long. She...."
"Mama, you're driving me crazy. I want you to live with us."
"That gago doesn't....just look at him with that blond hair. Oh, what did I ever do to deserve such a terrible child? Why could you not be like the other girls? Marry a nice Romany boy, bring a hefty bride price so that your old parents could live in luxury. No, you run off with a madman, and instead of a bride price you bring shame. My only child, when you were born I had such hopes for you. Such dreams, and you were so pretty any boy from any Kompania would have been proud to be your husband. But what do you do? You..."
"That's it, that's enough. I'm going outside to wait for Jan."
My mother was difficult but he won her over. In fact by the time Jan and I were to be married, I think she liked him better than she liked me.
Mama insisted that we marry among the gypsies, and Jan did not protest. My happiness was his greatest concern and he learned the Romany ways, taking to them as if he had been born one of us.
On the day that we were to marry, I woke before dawn. Sitting in the gray cool of the morning, I sipped strong sweet coffee. As the sky turned a light orange and then a soft blue I thought about how lucky I was to have found such a wonderful man. I must admit, my thoughts did drift to Grigori. I wondered if he still held that terrible mesmerizing power over me, and prayed I would never see him again. I did not trust myself, I did not want to find out what might happen.
With a smile on her face, Mama stretched awake under the shade of a weeping willow tree.
"Ah, what an auspicious day! Look, over there, you see the blue bird? Look, look , quickly..... Good luck, yeah?"
"Yes mama, it is. And I feel so lucky, so very fortunate."
"Well, make sure you don't do nothing to ruin this do you, understand?"
"Of course, mama."
Even when she was happy, it took every ounce of patience I had to tolerate her comments.
"Come into the vurdun with me. I have something for you."
I knew what it was. I had longed to wear mama's wedding dress since I was a little girl. It was a rich red satin that fell off my shoulders and then tight at my small waist with the fullest skirts you can imagine billowing out all around me.
When she was a girl mama was thin as I was now, and I knew the dress would fit perfectly.
Most Romany girls only wear red on their wedding day, but I loved the color and, against my parent's wishes, I wore it often. It offset my pale skin and raven hair. I tried the dress on and my mother gasped as tears came to her eyes.
"You are so beautiful. My beautiful daughter on her wedding day. Your father is here in spirit. I wish he were with us to marry you."
"It's okay, mama. Uncle Fonso will do it for papa. He is papa's closest brother."
"Your girlfriends have the twigs, water and bread ready?"
"Of course mama. You know how Lala is, always taking over and making sure things are right. Tsura will do whatever Lala tells her. Don't worry, the girls have everything we need."
"The sea salt, the cup, the bucket, the knife, the cord. There is so much to remember."
"Mama relax, it will be fine. You're making me nervous. I set up the bread and the sea salt. I will go to the river and fill the bucket now." Although she was anxious I could see in her face how excited and happy she was.
Much to my surprise, Jan arrived early to see my mother. He gave her a brooch that had belonged to his grandmother, a lovely gold butterfly with sparkling sapphire chips inlaid in its wings. For me he gave me his mother's pearls.
Mama came in proudly carrying the gifts. "Look what my new son in law brought for us."
My necklace was magnificent. White as a Siberian virgin snow, the pearls lay on my collarbone showing off the brightness of my smile.
Mama wore her gift with pride and for the first time since I had run off with Grigori she held her head up amongst the other women.
As my uncle explained the meaning of the bond of marriage and snapped the tree branches, I glanced over at Jan. He looked so filled with love and so proud to be my husband that my heart melted.
My best friend Tsura walked over to the wedding wagon and came back with the traditional bag of sea salt, loaf of bread and bucket of water. My cousin Bo took the cup from his pocket and handed it to my uncle who filled it. Uncle Fanso handed the challis to me and then to Jan. We both drank and then setting it on to the ground, with his foot Jan pushed the cup deep into the earth.
I smiled over at my new husband as my uncle gave us each a piece of the bread, then he sprinkled the remainder over our heads and over the ground.
Now came the part that I had always dreaded, the joining of the blood. Lala handed a sterling silver knife decorated with amethyst to my uncle who made a thin cut in Jan's arm. He did not flinch, but I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth as I received my slash. Then as was the custom, our wrists were bound together with a white silk cord that was knotted three times. For fertility, my uncle said as he tied, for consistency, and long life.
As I looked into his face, Uncle Fanso looked so much like my papa that I felt a tear drop down my cheek and wet the bodice of my dress. Handing each of us the sea salt we were instructed to throw a handful over our left shoulders. Then the blood stained cord was removed and cut into two pieces, one given to each of us. "You must keep this string for two years and if you should ever choose to divorce you must bring this with you."
By
the look I saw on Jan's chiseled face and the way that my heart skipped a beat, I didn't think that divorce could ever be possible.
The previous day deep pits had been dug for the fires that would prepare the wedding feast. Food was plentiful, there was roasted hedgehog, rabbit, and chicken. On a spit someone was barbecuing a whole pig. Potatoes, carrots and cabbage boiled with garlic in a large cauldron. The men drank our special homemade whiskey, brandy and beer. Many of the women drank as well. There was the traditional coffee, and the violins played.