“A towel, some clothes, my backpack. So they’d stay dry.”
The dots were connected. “Which is why I found your white jacket here in the closet.”
Lorna beamed. “You found it? That’s great! I hated leaving it behind, but I had all these wet, heavy clothes to stuff in my backpack and the jacket was one thing too many. I figured some tourist took it. Do you still have it?”
“Of course I do.”
She grinned happily. “Will you bring it to me? I always thought it was lucky. That’s why I wore it that night.”
“I’ll bring it. I tried to clean it up, but I couldn’t get all the stains out.”
“Thanks, Jackie.”
“Do you want your sneakers too?”
The question seemed to puzzle her. “My sneakers? That old rotten pair? Why would you keep those?”
I couldn’t answer that. It required more language ability than I had just then.
Lorna sighed. “Anyway, once I dried off, I knew I had to get out of town quickly without anybody seeing me. I wanted to hitchhike up-Cape, but if somebody from town picked me up, my whole plan would be ruined. I walked to the East End on the beach wearing this big slicker I got at Marine Specialties—I figured nobody would be able to recognize me in that, but there was nobody out but me in that weather anyway. I saw these guys loading up their car in front of the Bayside Inn, and I figured they were tourists leaving town, so I asked them if I could have a ride. They were going to New York City, which was perfect. Even if they eventually heard the news that some girl from Provincetown had drowned, they’d never connect it to me. They took me to Hyannis and from there I got a bus to Boston and then I went on up to Maine to find my dad.”
By then I was beginning to trust my voice and my ability to reason. “You did all this so you could run away and find your dad? Couldn’t you have just told us where you were going and taken the bus from here?”
She grinned. “What fun would that have been? Anyway, I wanted my mother to think I was dead. She deserved that.” She stood up and opened the blanket to reveal her stomach, solid and round under her shirt. “Also, there were certain things I didn’t want people to know. At the time, I wasn’t planning to come back.”
I stared at her body, trying to make sense of all this information, received too quickly. Lorna wasn’t just heavier, she was pregnant. Lucas had not lied about that. Still, still, still, I couldn’t understand. “You were never coming back?”
“That was the plan.” She wrapped herself up again and paced around the room. “Don’t look so shocked, Jackie. You know I like doing things I’m not supposed to. Just let somebody say, ‘You better not’ and whatever it is, I’ll do it. I can’t wait to do it. It’s like an itch in my brain and the only way to scratch it is to go rogue.”
Even though I hadn’t really digested what I’d heard so far, I wanted more information. I wanted the whole story. “So, did you find your dad?”
“I had an old address for him, and it turned out he was still in the same place. Even if he’d moved, I’d have found him. He has family around there.”
“And that’s where you’ve been? For four months?”
“Pretty much.”
“But why? I mean, why?” My voice suddenly careened into a wail. My shoulders buckled, and in seconds I was sobbing. “Oh, my God, Lorna, we thought you were dead!”
She came over to me and put her arms around my quivering shoulders. Her touch made my nerves jump under my skin, as though I still wasn’t convinced she wasn’t some supernatural spook. I grabbed onto her arms again and held on tight enough to leave red marks. I thought I might never let go, but Lorna was strong enough to disentangle herself.
“I’m sorry Jackie,” she said, backing away. “I had to. I didn’t see any other way out.”
“I would have helped you! Finn would too!” But even as I volunteered Finn, I wondered what his reaction would be if this baby really was Lucas’s. Would that make him stop loving Lorna, or would nothing, no betrayal of any kind, halt his devotion?
I sucked up my tears. “Whose baby is it? Lucas says you told him—”
“That was an idea I had at the time, but . . .” She shook her head.
“So, Lucas is not the father?”
She frowned, maybe annoyed by the question. “I’m not 100 percent sure at the moment.”
“But you think that Finn is . . . ?” Was that a better option? Better for whom?
“I’m so thirsty these days,” she said, grabbing a bottle of water from the kitchen counter. She took a long drink and then announced, “The baby’s a girl, by the way. Due middle of January.”
“Oh.” I had no idea how to react. What I felt like saying was, “What difference does that make? That’s the least important piece of information you’ve given me.” Instead, I just said, “A girl. That’s nice.”
“I want to name her Lucy. That’s a good name, isn’t it?” When I didn’t answer, she said, “You want to know who the father is, but I can’t tell you right now. It could be Finn.”
“You don’t know?”
She tipped her head to the side like a puppy who knows he’ll be forgiven. “Could be somebody else altogether.”
“Somebody else? Who?”
“I can’t tell you right now.” She smiled at me. “I’m sorry. Am I shocking you?”
I stood up, holding on to the lip of the table. It felt as if my eyes were bouncing out of my head like those joke glasses with plastic eyeballs on metal springs. “Are you kidding me? I’m so far beyond shocked, there’s not even a word for it! You didn’t drown. You jumped in the water on purpose. You’re pregnant. And the baby’s father is either your boyfriend or some unnamed stranger. I feel like I’ve wandered into an alternate universe!”
I almost never got angry at anyone, and here I was yelling at Lorna who was not, after all, dead, but standing right in front of me. I knew I should be so relieved that I didn’t care about any of the rest of it. But apparently I did care.
“I thought you’d be happy to see me,” Lorna said, pouting a little. She flopped back onto the couch, her knees pulled up to her chin, the blanket anchored tightly by her stocking feet.
I massaged my forehead, as if I could knead Lorna’s revelations into my brain. “I am happy to see you. Of course I am. But I thought you were dead! We all did! Do you get that? There was a memorial service. We cried for days! For weeks! We still do!”
She looked surprised. “Really? There was a memorial service? Whose idea was that? I’m guessing not Carla’s.”
“Ms. Waller organized it, but your mom was there.”
Lorna suddenly sat forward. “Did she cry? My mom. Did she?”
“I . . . I’m not sure. I mean, I couldn’t see her very well.” I thought of Carla, sitting in the front row in her black pajamas, rustling through her purse, looking distracted.
Lorna gave a snort. “I bet she didn’t. I’m surprised she even showed up. Do you know that crazy bitch didn’t even get in touch with my dad? She thought I was dead and she didn’t even tell my father! Of course, I figured she wouldn’t—they haven’t spoken since he left us. If she’d contacted him, the cat would have been out of the bag right away. So, who else came to the memorial?”
“A lot of people. Kids, parents, teachers. The auditorium was full.”
“Really?” Her cheeks glowed.
“Of course!”
“Are you glad I’m not dead, Jackie?” There was no self-pity in the question. She really wasn’t sure.
I sank down onto the couch next to her and grabbed her hands. “Of course I am. Are you kidding? I just can’t quite believe it yet—it’s like a dream come true.”
She nodded. “Thanks.”
“Tell me the rest of the story,” I said. “You went to Maine and found your father, and then what?”
She rolled her eyes. “My dad lives in East Snowshovel. He’s a carpenter, handyman, whatever, but also kind of a hermit. He doesn’t even have a phone. Can yo
u believe that? Communication is not his thing. Which I liked at first—just the two of us alone. It was so quiet and peaceful. I sat around and read library books for two months. Dad was kind of flipped out that I was there, so I kept a low profile. I told him I’d run away because Mom had gotten even crazier, and, of course, that part was true and easy for him to believe. I thought he might want me to finish up the school year, but it didn’t seem to occur to him. He’s not really normal either. Big surprise.”
“It sounds kind of nice, though,” I said.
“It was, at first. I didn’t tell him I was pregnant, but after a few months it became kind of obvious. He warned me right away he couldn’t stand crying babies. Never could. And since I’m the only crying baby he’s ever been around, I guess he really meant he couldn’t stand me. Anyway, I could tell it wasn’t going to work out. I had this fantasy that he’d be happy to see me again, and he’d get all excited about being a grandpa, but that wasn’t going to happen. He likes being alone. I figured once the baby was born, there was a good chance he’d just leave us. That’s his pattern. Which would make me my mother, poor and alone, with nobody to take it out on but my kid. No thanks.”
“So you came back here,” I said.
“Not right away. I’ve been in Boston for the last few weeks. I stayed at a women’s shelter for a while. That’s where I went to a clinic and found out I was having a girl. I thought maybe in the city I’d meet somebody who’d help me out.”
I was confused. “Like who?”
She shrugged, and then grinned. “A guy, maybe. Men always like me.”
“What do you mean, ‘a guy’?”
She sighed. “Jackie, you’re so perfect, you don’t know what it’s like for somebody like me.”
“Are you kidding? I know you better than anybody does.”
“You think you do.” Her eyes sparkled like glass. “I needed money, Jackie. I thought about hooking. Thought about it seriously.”
My shock was only tempered by the realization that Lorna was enjoying shocking me.
She gave a short laugh. “I didn’t do it. I mean, I’m pregnant. I have to take care of myself for the kid’s sake.”
“Well, I’m glad something stopped you!” I didn’t want to sound like a judgmental prude, but I couldn’t help it. This latest revelation was too much, even for Lorna. Although, it had never crossed my mind that she’d faked her death either, so maybe I had no idea what was too much for Lorna.
She hugged her knees. “I have this crazy idea that I can be a better mother to my daughter than Carla was to me. That shouldn’t be too hard, right? She set the bar pretty low.”
That was an understatement. As soon as I thought of Carla’s mothering skills, I had to forgive Lorna for everything. I thought again of that awful day on the beach when Carla gleefully untied the bow on Lorna’s bikini. Escaping from her mother was so necessary for Lorna, I didn’t blame her for doing whatever she had to do to get away.
“Of course you’ll be a better mother than she was,” I said. “No contest.”
She picked at the knobs of fuzz on the old blanket. “I guess we’ll see. Anyway, by the time I got to Boston, I needed money. The people at the shelter tried to help me get a job, but it turns out I can’t even apply for a job.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m dead, Jackie. Lorna Trovato’s dead. And if I’m not her, who am I? I’m nobody, and you can’t get a job if you’re nobody. So I had to come back. I had to bring Lorna Trovato back from the dead.”
I laid my head against her shoulder. “I’m glad she’s back. I’ll help you. Whatever you need, I’ll help you.”
Lorna smiled a lazy smile. “Thanks, Jackie. Knew I could count on you.”
“You should have come to me sooner. Before you came up with this whole terrible scheme. Did you think I’d be mad at you because of the baby? I would have stuck by you, Lorna. I would have helped you.”
“Yeah, well, there was this other problem too.”
The cabin suddenly felt claustrophobic. Dark, airless, full of secrets.
“You mean, a problem with the person who’s not Finn or Lucas? The guy you think could be the father?”
“Yeah.”
“Is he the father?”
She shrugged. “Probably.”
My head was spinning, but I had to know all of it now. “Does he think you’re dead too?” Lorna nodded and I sucked in a lungful of amazement.
“I know, I know,” she said. “I’m going to see him. Soon. But you have to keep this a secret until I do. Please! I need to talk to him before anybody else knows I’m here.”
“Even Finn?”
“Especially Finn. Promise me.”
“But—”
“Jackie, please!”
“Okay, I promise, but Finn needs to know you’re alive, Lorna. You can’t imagine how upset he’s been. He still loves you so much.”
Her mouth turned down at the corners. “Oh, Finn.”
“You still love him, don’t you?”
She stared into the distance and wrinkled her forehead as if she was trying to frame her answer correctly. “I always liked Finn, Jackie, but not as much as you did.” She stuck her legs out in front of her and caressed her belly. “I’ve only ever loved one person.”
One person who was not Finn, I thought. And not me either.
22.
I stumbled through the A&P in a fog, picking up a box of Saltines, a jar of peanut butter, a bag of Chips Ahoy! cookies, Lorna’s favorite foods. I bought strawberries, melons, a wedge of Jarlsberg cheese, yogurt with honey, apple cider, Cherry Garcia ice cream, thick salsa, and chips dusted with lime—I wanted to overwhelm her with food, with concern, with gratitude for coming back. I spent all the cash I had on me, but managed to keep myself away from the ATM for fear I’d empty out everything I’d saved for college and hand over every bit of it to Lorna. Just because she wasn’t dead.
I was headed out through the automatic door when I heard somebody call my name, but my reaction time was slow, and by the time I turned around, Lucas had passed me on his way in. Which gave me ten seconds to think of what to say to him while he entered the store, then came back out through the exit.
“You look like you’re sleepwalking,” he said. “I called you three times before you heard me.”
I tried to smile like a normal person would. “Sorry. Daydreaming.”
“Worried about tonight, I guess.”
Tonight? I gave him a blank look as I struggled to remember what was happening tonight.
“Your show? At the Center? Jeez, Jackie. Are you okay?” He put a hand on my arm as if to steady me.
Lorna’s reappearance had so completely overshadowed everything else that I’d forgotten what was supposed to be the most important day of my life so far. Lucas was looking at me as if I’d lost my mind. If I couldn’t keep the secret from him, what chance did I have of deceiving Finn?
It took all my energy to haul up a chuckle from deep inside. “Oh, the show. Yeah, sorry, I’m a little distracted. My mom isn’t feeling well and I’m in kind of a hurry to get this stuff home to her.”
Lucas peeked in the top of my bag. “Strawberries and ice cream? That’s what your mom wants when she’s sick?”
I tried to keep the phony laugh bubbling. “Well, she’s not really sick. You know. She’s just . . .” Just what? "Cramps. You know.”
I couldn’t believe I’d fallen back on such a stupid excuse, as if my mother really sat around eating ice cream when she got her period. If Lucas had had a mother or a sister, he wouldn’t have bought it, but, lucky for me, his family was all men. He just blushed and shut up.
“I’ll see you tonight, huh?” I tried to sound excited, happy, just a little rushed, as I scurried away down the sidewalk.
“If you want to wait, I’ll give you a ride,” he called after me.
“I’m good.”
“Okay.” He waved and disappeared into the store.
By the time
I got back to Cabin 5 I was sweaty and just a little sick to my stomach.
“Okay, I got you a few things at the store. And I stopped for coffee.”
Lorna grabbed for the hot cup as I took the food from the plastic bag. “I can bring you more stuff from home tomorrow if you want, but, I mean, you aren’t going to be hiding out here much longer, are you? It’s getting cold at night. You’re going to tell people soon, right?” It had to be soon. Already I couldn’t stand the pressure of knowing this enormous secret and not being able to tell the people who needed to know it.
“A day or two. That’s all. I just need to talk to . . . somebody. Then I can be alive again, which, believe me, nobody wants more than I do.” Lorna dipped a cracker into the peanut butter jar.
I still had hours before I needed to dress for the opening, but I was afraid if I stayed any longer, I’d find out more secrets I didn’t want to know and certainly didn’t want to keep to myself. I didn’t know how I’d keep this one. “Listen, I have to get going. I almost forgot that my pictures are hanging in the gallery at JSAC tonight. An opening. It was Elsie’s idea.” For some reason I didn’t want to go into the whole thing with Lorna, didn’t want to seem proud of myself in front of her.
“Your photographs? Really? You’re having a show?” Peanut butter dripped onto the Formica table.
“Yeah, it’s not a big deal.” Of course it was a big deal! “Elsie’s trying to help me get into college. Art school. You know.”
Lorna dipped another cracker. “She’s, like, in love with you.” She made it sound shameful. Or unfair.
“Not really. We like each other.”
“She’s Finn’s mother.”
“So?”
She shrugged. “It’s weird that you’re such good buddies.”
“I don’t think so. Anyway, I have to go.”
“Go, then.” She sounded a little put out.
“I’ll be back in the morning. Okay? Early.”
“Don’t forget to bring my jacket.”
“I won’t.”
I half expected to be seen leaving the cabin, but the beach at Dugan’s was as deserted as always. I guess there was a part of me that wanted to be caught. To be forced to tell someone the incredible news.