But when I looked up, she was smiling. “I don’t know why you’re apologizing. You saw an opportunity and you took it. I would have done the same thing.”
“No, you wouldn’t.”
“Of course I would! And if I were Finn, I would have kissed you back.”
“He didn’t though. He pushed me away.” I wanted to be sure Lorna believed me. Finn was blameless.
“Well, Finn doesn’t always make the right choices,” she said. “He may live to regret that one.”
26.
“I can’t believe you slipped out while I was on the telephone,” Mom yelled the minute I walked in. She’d obviously been standing in the kitchen, waiting. “You fainted last night, Jackie! You shouldn’t even be out of bed!”
“Mom, I’m fine. I told you, it was just because I forgot to eat yesterday.”
My mother’s fists seemed to be planted permanently into her waistline, her elbows pointing in opposite directions. “Nobody ‘forgets to eat.’ That’s ridiculous. If you could have seen how pale you looked when Finn brought you home last night. Poor kid was so scared, I thought he was gonna pass out.”
“I was only unconscious for a few seconds.” I didn’t want to dwell on the memory of Finn’s arm around my waist, my heavy head resting against his shoulder. Even at the time I’d tried to pretend it wasn’t happening.
“More like a minute is what he told me. He was so worried. He said you stood up and just fell over!”
“I know, Mom, but I’m fine now. Really.”
“What was so important you had to go out this morning, anyway?”
“I didn’t have to go out. I wanted to take a walk. Get some fresh air.”
She smacked a cast-iron skillet on top of the stove. “Well, now I want you to go up to your room and get in bed and rest. Get some old, stale air. I’m making you lunch. Some protein.” Under her breath, she mumbled. “Forgot to eat, I never heard such a thing.”
I piled a few pillows against the headboard of my bed and climbed in under the covers. It was kind of nice to have Mom making a fuss over me today. I was tired, tired of thinking about what would happen next, who would be ecstatic and whose heart would be broken. I deserved some special care, if only for a few minutes. Once the truth came out and all hell broke loose, rest might be hard to come by for a while.
As I waited to hear Mom’s footsteps on the stairs, my eyes fell on the small shrine in the corner of my room, the bookshelf where Lorna’s old sneakers had waited for four months. But what had they been waiting for? Lorna didn’t want the shoes she used to strut down the street in, the shoes she twirled and jumped and danced in. I have kept your shoes/in case I need them. When I wrote that line across the photograph, I wasn’t sure what I meant by it. I still didn’t know. Did I think the shoes, like the jacket, would turn me into Lorna? Maybe I just needed the shoes as a reminder of my amazing childhood that got lost in outrageous grief.
Mom came in with a tray and saw me looking at the sneakers.
“I wish you’d throw those smelly things away,” she said as she cleared a space on my bedside table. “Here. I made you a grilled cheese sandwich. And I want you to drink this whole glass of milk too.”
“Thanks, Mom.” The gooey, delicious sandwich was just what I needed.
She straightened up and glared at the shoes.
“Can’t I just get rid of those?”
“No! If you want me to eat, don’t touch those shoes.”
She sighed. “They’re not magic, you know. They won’t bring her back.”
Something did. “Maybe I’ll wear them someday,” I said.
“Don’t be silly. They’re not even your size. Your feet are much bigger than hers.”
It was true. Everything about Lorna was small and tight and measured. She didn’t have accidents. She didn’t faint or fall. She didn’t have large, clumsy feet that didn’t know where they were going or what to do when they got there.
Mom wandered over to the bookcase and picked up the photograph that stood guard over the shoes. “This is a good picture. You caught the real Lorna. She’s looking at you, but at the same time, you can tell she wants to get away.”
“Let me see that.”
She brought the picture to my bedside and handed it over. “It’s like she wants to walk out of the frame or something.”
I’d never been satisfied with that photograph. I didn’t think I’d managed to capture Lorna, to frame her wildness, to nail down her rebellious spirit, but now I could see what my mother saw. This was why Lorna hadn’t liked being photographed. Photos tried to contain the uncontainable, which Lorna couldn’t bear. I would need to take a hundred pictures, a thousand to tell a story as complicated as hers. But my mother was right—this was the real Lorna, always on the move, always hidden, always trying to escape. The picture I’d wanted to take was of the person I wanted Lorna to be. The Lorna who would stop moving and wait for me.
• • •
“Jackie! Did you hear me?” Mom yelled from the bottom of the stairs.
“What?” There was drool on the pillow. I must have dozed off.
“Finn’s here. He wants to see how you’re doing.”
I swung out of bed fast. “Tell him I’ll be there in a minute.”
I tried to calm down as I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and pulled my hair back into a ponytail. In a few more hours he’d know, I told myself, and then things would be the way they were before. Or at least, whatever way they were going to be from now on out. I decided not to brush any color onto my cheeks or change my shirt. Because it didn’t matter whether I looked good or not. It didn’t make any difference now.
Finn stood just inside the kitchen screen door, playing with the hook and eye, locking and unlocking it.
“Supper’s in an hour,” Mom said, standing in her usual spot at the stove. “If you want to stick around, Finn, you’re welcome to some fish stew.”
I was surprised Mom was being so nice to Finn. Because he escorted her feeble daughter home last night? Or because she went to the Center and saw for herself that the Rosenbergs were not pretentious snobs? Whatever it was, I was pleased about it. I couldn’t, however, believe I’d passed up the chance to eat chicken pesto pasta at Ciro’s last night when the only food that ever seemed to land on my own dinner table was fish.
“I can’t stay, Mrs. Silva, but thanks. I just wanted to see if Jackie was well enough to take a short walk.”
Mom frowned at me. “She already went out once today when I thought she should stay in bed.”
“I’m fine,” I said. “I took a nap.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll have her back soon,” Finn said. He gave Teresa his knight-in-shining-armor smile.
My camera was lying on the kitchen counter and I picked it up before I went out the screen door. Not because I thought I’d be taking pictures on the walk, necessarily. I just felt more comfortable with it hanging around my neck. Like Elsie said, it was my protection.
“You sure you’re feeling okay?” Finn asked as we started toward the bay beach.
“Yes. I don’t know why everybody’s making such a big deal out of this. You’d think I was the only person who ever fainted.”
“Easy for you to say—you didn’t see it happen. You scared the crap out of me.”
I grimaced. “I can’t believe I passed out in front of a whole restaurant full of people.”
“Well, they might not have noticed if they hadn’t already been staring at Rudy and Cooper’s pissing match.”
“That’s right. I forgot Rudy and Cooper were arguing.”
“Yeah, it was quite a scene. The two of them kept tossing back martinis and poking each other with sticks. I was surprised Cooper did it in front of Mom. She got to see his dark side for a change.”
Obviously Finn was pointing it out to me too in case I’d been too sickly to notice. “I wasn’t paying much attention,” I said, hoping to avoid an argument about Cooper. Was it really his fault? Rudy was pretty belli
gerent too.
“Of course, Cooper won with that line about his father shooting himself,” Finn said.
“Oh, my God, I forgot that!”
“It shut Rudy up, but later he said he didn’t think it was even true. Apparently that’s what happens in Cooper’s book.”
All of a sudden I realized we were headed straight for Dugan’s Cottages, and I stopped in my tracks. “Could we sit down a minute? I guess I’m not feeling as great as I thought I was.” Understatement. Just a glimpse of the cabin had made my stomach roll over.
“Sure.” Finn cleared away the seaweed from a sunny patch of sand and we sat down. I hugged my knees to my chest and rested my head on them. Could Lorna see us here if she looked out the bedroom window? I’d have to tell Finn I was tired so he’d walk me back home. There was no way I could sit here with Finn, practically in Lorna’s shadow, and keep this enormous secret. I was afraid to tell him and I was afraid not to tell him.
Meanwhile, Finn was concentrating on making a highway in the sand between us, or maybe he was digging a trench. He seemed nervous. “I have to tell you something, Jackie. The thing is . . . I haven’t been fair to you the past few months, and I feel stupid about it now. It’s been hard for me to face . . . the truth. In fact, I’m just starting to realize what the truth is.”
Oh, God, was this going to be a serious talk? I didn’t think I could stand it if he started being all honest with me, especially sitting right here, fifty yards away from the real truth.
“Do you remember that day we were walking on the beach under the pier and you, you know, kissed me?”
He wasn’t really bringing that up, was he? I could feel him looking at me, but I didn’t meet his eyes. My legs felt shaky, and I wondered if I could get to my feet if I wanted to, if I could get up and run.
“The thing is, Jackie . . .” He scooted across the homemade gully between us and leaned his leg against mine, put a hand on my arm. “The thing is, I couldn’t deal with it then. It was too soon . . .”
“Absolutely. I totally get it.” I moved my leg, but his hand still grasped my arm. “I don’t know why I did that. I was just so sad, I guess.”
“It wasn’t only sadness. We were so close then, Jackie. It scared me how close we’d gotten. I’d just lost Lorna, and I was afraid to feel that way about somebody else.”
Finn tried to look into my eyes, but I closed them. What the hell was happening?
“I think about that day all the time and I wish I could do it over.” Finn’s voice massaged me and I felt my spine loosen. “I think about you all the time, Jackie, even though I try not to. I was so confused after Lorna died, but I’m starting to see things differently now. I’m starting to see them the way they really are. And I think I want to be with you.”
And then he pulled me into his arms and kissed me, sweetly, lovingly. For a moment my heart broke open and let him in. I couldn’t help it. This was what I’d wished for so long. I think it was the camera, caught between us and digging into my chest that reminded me where I was and who was waiting in a cabin just down the beach.
I broke away. “Finn, we can’t do this.”
“Sure we can, Jackie. You’re the one who said it to me. We have to live our lives.”
“I know, but I haven’t been honest with you either.” I pushed away from him and got unsteadily to my feet.
He jumped up. “You mean you don’t feel that way about me anymore?”
“No, that’s not what I mean.” I held out my hand and he took it. “I might as well just say it. I’ve loved you for a long time, Finn, but it doesn’t matter now.”
A smile broke over his face. “Of course it matters!”
I shook my head. “There’s something you don’t know. Something . . . big.” I started walking down the beach, pulling him with me.
“Is this about Cooper?” His voice dropped to a lower register.
“No.” Cooper. Did I love him too? Maybe, but not like this. Not like Finn.
“What then?” He tried to pull me close, to keep me from walking, but I was on a mission.
“You’ll see. It’s not far.”
By the time we got to Cabin 5, my legs felt almost too weak to hold me up. From this moment on, everything would change, but what choice did I have? I banged on the door, eager to get it over with.
Finn was confused. “Why are we here? The cabin’s closed up.”
“Not entirely,” I said.
The door swung open, first just a little, then all the way. Lorna, wearing the stained white jacket that no longer fit her, gave me a tight smile. “Way to keep a secret, Jackie.”
Slowly she turned her gaze to Finn and I could see it in the way her lip trembled, the way the muscle in her cheek jumped. Lorna was scared. Without really thinking about it, I raised the camera and I caught it.
27.
Finn stared at Lorna as the late-day sun illuminated her flaming hair. His eyes blinked rapidly and he didn’t seem to be able to move or speak. When Lorna backed up, I led him into the cottage by the arm.
“You promised you’d wait, Jackie,” Lorna said.
“I couldn’t. Not another minute.”
When Finn looked at me, I could feel his shock. I’d known this and I hadn’t told him.
He kept looking back and forth between the two of us until finally he realized that what seemed to be true was true. “Lorna!” His voice was raspy and her name was a prayer on his lips. “Oh, my God, Lorna! How . . . ? How . . . ?”
Lorna seemed resigned, but once again in control. She held out her arms, and Finn rushed into them, crushing her to his chest.
“Sit down, Finn,” she whispered to him. “Sit with me and I’ll tell you.”
They huddled close together on the old couch, their hands clasped, as Lorna began the story of how she didn’t die, but swam against the tide and was swept up on the bay beach like a goosefish, only not quite dead.
I turned away from them and walked to the door of the small bedroom. I didn’t want to hear the saga again, but I couldn’t get far enough away in the small cabin. The story washed over me again, an unstoppable wave. There were a few slight inconsistencies between this version and the one Lorna had told me. I wished I wasn’t looking for them.
“I’m sorry, Finn,” Lorna said, tipping her head sideways. “I know I hurt you. I didn’t want to.”
But it wasn’t Lorna Finn seemed to blame. He looked at me the way I was afraid he would, as if I’d betrayed him. “You knew?”
“Only since yesterday morning. I found her here.”
He turned an ear toward me as if that might help him to better discern whether I was telling him the truth now or spouting more lies. “But you knew all day. You knew at the opening, and at dinner, and just now, on the beach—and you didn’t tell me.” The voice that had soothed me moments ago snapped at me now. I wasn’t surprised. I could have written this scene myself.
“I asked her not to,” Lorna said, drawing Finn’s attention back to her. “Don’t blame Jackie.”
“But I don’t see why . . . ?”
“I knew it would be a big shock for you, Finn,” Lorna continued, “and I wanted to tell you myself, but I needed to do a few things first. Carla doesn’t even know.”
“Well, let’s go tell her! Let’s tell everybody!” Finn jumped up and tried to pull Lorna toward the door, but she stood firm.
“We will soon, Finn. Tomorrow.” She beamed at him and I could see his body vibrate as the smile hit its target. “I’ve missed you.”
“You’ve missed me?” His laughter was pure effervescence bubbling up from a deep well. “I just . . . I can’t . . . this is the happiest day of my life!” He embraced her again, this time kissing her, hard, wild, crazy.
I couldn’t stand it. Could. Not. Stand. It. Minutes ago Finn had been kissing me, but obviously those budding emotions were easily washed away by Hurricane Lorna. I expected that, didn’t I? Why was I getting so upset about it? I tried to think about Cooper and how
he made me feel. I wasn’t his second choice. But even thinking of Cooper didn’t make up for having to witness the joyous reunion in Cabin 5.
“Aren’t you going to ask her why she did it?” I lost control of my thick, furious voice. “She made us think she was dead! And I guess you’re just going to ignore the fact that she’s pregnant!”
Finn looked down at Lorna’s stomach, his face registering surprise, but also . . . what? Eagerness? Delight?
“You’re amazing,” he said, as though getting pregnant was a difficult accomplishment for a teenage girl. As though he’d been hoping to find his presumed-dead girlfriend merely knocked up instead. I realized then that nothing else mattered to him. For Finn, the only important thing was that Lorna was back. His fingers wove through her hair. “I can’t believe I can see you and touch you. It’s a miracle.”
“And a virgin birth too, I guess.” My voice was flat and accusing. I hated myself for being mean, but I couldn’t seem to stem the flow of nastiness.
“Jackie’s right,” Lorna said, leaning into Finn’s shoulder. “I owe you an explanation, Finn. The thing is, I was desperate. When I found out I was pregnant, I knew Carla would freak out and want me to have an abortion or something. I wasn’t thinking straight. I knew I had to get away from her.”
Finn nodded, his arm still tightly around her waist. “I’m not mad at you. I just wish you’d come to me for help. Why didn’t you?”
It was a question Lorna hadn’t yet answered to my satisfaction either. Why hadn’t she let us help her? Why did she have to pretend to be dead, for God’s sake?
“I know,” Lorna said, her head bowed. “It seems crazy now, but I had this idea that I’d go live with my dad in Maine and start all over. I was desperate to get away from Carla—I wasn’t going to let her ruin another person.”
“You aren’t ruined.” Finn hugged her close. “You’re perfect. And the baby won’t be ruined either. I won’t let that happen. But tell me, the baby, it’s not Lucas’s, is it?”
Lorna hesitated only a second and then raised her eyes to stare into Finn’s. “No. It’s not.”