Contents
1. The Cheese Man
2. Just Say Right!
3. The Invisiblest Guy
4. Spooky and Scary
5. My Worstest Night Ever
6. Flatsos
7. Snarlies and Snufflies
8. Scary-face Me!
1/The Cheese Man
My name is Junie B. Jones. The B stands for Beatrice. Except I don’t like Beatrice. I just like B and that’s all.
I am in the grade of afternoon kindergarten.
Today we got school pictures taken at that place.
School pictures is when you wear your bestest dress. And you go to the cafeteria. And a cheese man is there.
He makes you say cheese. Only I don’t actually know why.
Then he takes pictures of you. And your mother has to buy them. Or else you will get your feelings hurt.
School pictures is a racket, I think.
I wore my new dress with the dinosaur on the front.
“A dinosaur, huh?” said the cheese man.
I smoothed my skirt very lovely.
“Yes,” I said. “It is a Tyrannosaurus Dottie.”
“You mean Tyrannosaurus Rex,” he said.
“No. I mean Tyrannosaurus Dottie. ’Cause Rex is the boy. And Dottie is the girl,” I explained.
The cheese man stood behind his camera.
“Say cheese,” he told me.
“Yeah, only guess what? I don’t actually know why I have to say that word. ’Cause what’s cheese got to do with it?” I asked.
“Cheese makes you smile,” said the cheese man.
I shook my head.
“Not me. Cheese doesn’t make me smile,” I said. “’Cause sometimes I eat a cheese sandwich for lunch. And I don’t even giggle when I swallow that thing.”
The cheese man did a big breath.
“Could you please just say it?” he asked.
“Yes,” I said. “I can please just say it. Only don’t forget to tell me when you’re ready. ’Cause one time my grampa Frank Miller was taking my picture. And he didn’t tell me he was ready. And then one of my eyes turned out opened. And the other one turned out closed.”
I made the face to show him.
“See? See my eyes? See how one of them is opened and the other one is…”
All of a sudden, the cheese man took my picture.
My mouth came wide open at him.
“HEY! HOW COME YOU DID THAT? HOW COME YOU TOOK MY PICTURE? ’CAUSE I WASN’T EVEN READY YET!”
The cheese man kept on clicking his camera.
Pretty soon he looked at the next person in line.
“Next,” he said.
I stamped my foot.
“Yeah, only I wasn’t ready, I tell you! And so I need another turn!” I said.
Just then, my teacher came over. And she pulled me away from there.
She sat me next to her on a bench.
Her name is Mrs.
She has another name, too. But I just like Mrs. and that’s all.
Mrs. said settle down to me.
Then me and her watched the rest of the children get their pictures taken.
My bestest friend named Lucille went next.
She had a blue satin ribbon in her hair.
“My nanna says this ribbon brings out the blue in my eyes,” she told the cheese man.
She opened them real wide.
“See them? See their color? They are robin’s egg blue…with just a hint of lavender.”
The cheese man sucked in his cheeks. He was getting fusstration in him, I think.
“Could you please just say cheese,” he grouched.
Lucille smiled real big with all her teeth.
“Cheese!” she sang very loud. “Cheese! Cheese! Cheesie, cheese, cheese!”
Then she kept on singing cheese, till the cheese man said, “Knock it off.”
After she was done, Lucille skipped over to me and Mrs.
“Did you see me?” she asked. “Did you see how good I said cheese? That’s because I’m going to be a model when I grow up. So I already know how.”
She fluffed her fluffy hair.
“The camera is my friend,” she said.
Mrs. rolled her eyes way up at the ceiling. I looked up there, too. But I didn’t see anything.
After that, it was time for the class picture.
The class picture is when all of Room Nine lines up in two rows.
The biggie kids stand in the back. And the shortie kids stand in the front.
I am a shortie kid. Only that is nothing to be ashamed of.
I stood next to Paulie Allen Puffer.
He looked very admiring at my dinosaur dress.
“Dinosaurs bite people’s heads off,” he said.
I did a frown.
“Yeah, only they don’t even scare me. ’Cause there’s no such things as dinosaurs anymore,” I told him.
“So? There’s still such things as monsters that can bite your head off,” said Paulie Allen Puffer. “A monster lives right under your bed, I bet. My big brother says that everybody has a monster under their bed.”
He poked his finger at me.
“Even you, Junie B. Jones,” he said.
I got shivers on my arms.
“No, I do not either, Paulie Allen Puffer,” I said.
“Yes, you do too,” he said back. “My brother is in seventh grade. And he says the monster waits till you’re asleep. Then he crawls up next to you. And he lies down on your pillow. And he practices fitting your head in his mouth.”
I covered up my ears. But Paulie Allen Puffer talked louder.
“I can even prove it,” he said. “Didn’t you ever wake up with a drool spot on your pillow?”
I thought very hard.
“Yeah…so?”
“So where do you think it came from?” he asked. “It came from the monster under your bed, that’s where. It was monster drool, Junie B. Jones.”
I shook my head real fast.
“No it was not, Paulie Allen Puffer! You stop saying that! And I mean it!”
He raised up his eyebrows.
“Well, where did it come from then? You don’t drool on your pillow. Do you? You’re not a baby, are you?” he said.
“No! Don’t call me that! I am not a baby!” I yelled.
Paulie Allen Puffer crossed his arms.
“So where did the drool come from then?” he asked again.
“I don’t know,” I said. “But my daddy told me there’s no such things as monsters.”
“So what? Daddies have to say that,” said Paulie Allen Puffer. “That’s so you’ll go to sleep at night and not bother them.”
He squinted his eyes at me.
“Why do you think daddies and mommies sleep together in the same room, anyway? It’s so they can protect each other from the monster. Or else their heads might get chewed off.”
Just then, I wrinkled up my nose at that terrible thought. Then I hanged out my tongue. And I did a sick face.
And guess what?
The cheese man took the class picture.
2/Just Say Right!
After school pictures, we went back to Room Nine.
I put my head down on my table.
“There’s no such things as monsters. There’s no such things as monsters,” I whispered to just myself. “’Cause my very own daddy told me that. And he wouldn’t even lie to me…probably.”
Mrs. said for me to sit up in my chair.
She passed out work for us to do.
It was called printing our letters. Only I didn’t actually feel like doing that.
I tapped on my bestest friend name
d Lucille.
“Guess what, Lucille? There’s no such things as monsters. There’s really, really not. And so a monster doesn’t even live under my bed, probably. Right, Lucille? Right? Right?”
“Shh! I’m doing my letters,” she said.
“Yes, Lucille. I know you are doing your letters. Only I just wanted to tell you about the monster. ’Cause he’s not even real …right?”
Lucille didn’t say right.
“How come you’re not saying right, Lucille? Just say right. Okay? Just say monsters aren’t real. And I won’t even bother you anymore.”
All of a sudden, Lucille did a mad breath.
“Now look what you made me do, Junie B.! You made me ruin my big G! I told you not to bother me!”
She quick grabbed her paper and runned to Mrs. to fix it.
I tapped my fingers on my table.
Then I turned around and looked behind me.
I smiled at a boy named crybaby William.
“Guess what, William. There’s no such things as monsters. And so a monster doesn’t even live under my bed, probably. Right? William? Right? Right?”
William moved his seat away from me.
I followed him in my chair.
“I’m right, don’t you think, William? A monster really doesn’t live under my bed, does he? Plus also, he doesn’t put my head in his mouth.”
William sliled his chair away some more.
I scooted after him.
“Just say right. Okay, William? Just say there’s not a monster under my bed. And I will be on my way.”
William picked up his chair. He carried it all the way to the middle of the floor.
That’s how come I had to carry my chair to the middle of the floor, too.
I sat down and smiled very sweet.
“Right, William? I’m right, aren’t I?” I said.
Only too bad for me. ’Cause just then I felt hands on my shoulders.
I looked up.
It was Mrs.
I did a gulp.
“Hello. How are you today?” I said kind of nervous.
Mrs. zoomed my chair back to my table.
It was not fun.
I quick picked up my pencil.
“Guess what? I am going to do my work now,” I said. “Plus also, I am not even going to talk. ’Cause I don’t actually like anyone in this area.”
Mrs. tapped her foot at me.
“Love your shoes,” I said real soft.
Her foot kept tapping.
Only just then, a very great thing happened. And it is called, the bell rang for the end of school!
I hurried up out the door.
Then me and my other bestest friend named Grace runned to the bus together.
“Grace! Grace! Guess what? There’s no such things as monsters! And so I don’t even have one under my bed, probably. Right, Grace? Right?”
That Grace didn’t say right.
That’s how come I grabbed her by her shoulders. And I jiggled and jiggled her. ’Cause I was fed up with these people, that’s why.
“How come you won’t say right, Grace? How come nobody will say right? ’Cause I’m getting at the end of my rope with this thing!”
That Grace took my hands off of her.
“I can’t say right, because a monster really might live under your bed, Junie B.,” she said.
My eyes got big and wide at her.
“No, Grace! No! Do not say that! Do not say a monster might live under my bed! ’Cause that cannot even be true. Or else I would have spotted that guy by now!”
“No, you wouldn’t,” she said. “My big sister said that monsters can turn theirselves invisible when you look at them. And so that’s how come nobody ever sees them.”
That Grace looked serious at me.
“That makes sense, don’t you think? Huh, Junie B.? Right?”
Just then, my throat got dry. And my stomach got the shakies.
I looked out the window very upset.
And I didn’t say right.
3/The Invisiblest Guy
I ran in my house and hollered for my grandma Helen Miller.
“GRANDMA MILLER! GRANDMA HELEN MILLER! I AM SO GLAD TO BE HOME! ’CAUSE TODAY WAS NOT A VERY GOOD DAY AT MY SCHOOL!”
Grandma Miller was in the kitchen. She was holding my baby brother named Ollie.
I jumped up and down in front of her.
“PICK ME UP! PICK ME UP! PICK ME UP!”
“I can’t right now, Toots,” she said. “I’ve got my hands full with Ollie.”
“Yeah, only put him on the floor,” I said. “’Cause I need a hug down here, Helen.”
Grandma Miller leaned down and hugged me.
She said don’t call her Helen.
“Why don’t you go change your clothes?” she said. “Then you and I will make some popcorn. And you can tell me all about your day. How does that sound?”
Just then, my whole face got happy. ’Cause popcorn is my most favorite thing in the whole wide world!
“Hurray!” I shouted. “Hurray for popcorn!”
I ran right to my room. Then I took off my shoes and socks. And my feet did a happy dance on the floor. It was called the Happy Feet Popcorn Dance.
They danced around and around. Also, they jumped on my bed. And they springed to the floor. And they did a giant twirly on my rug.
I clapped my hands real joyful.
“Grandma! Hey, Grandma! Guess what? I am having a good time in here! And so I am not even thinking about the monster under my bed!”
Just then, I did a gulp.
’Cause I shouldn’t have said that, I think.
I looked at my bed kind of nervous.
What if the monster was under there right this very minute?
And what if he was looking at my piggy toes?
And what if he wanted to eat them?
“Oh no,” I said. “Oh no. Oh no. ’Cause piggy toes look just like little wiener sausages, I think.”
I freezed right where I was standing.
“GRANDMA MILLER! GRANDMA MILLER! COME QUICK! I NEED YOU!” I shouted.
Grandma Miller flied to my room. Then she picked me up. And she hugged me real tight.
“What on earth is the trouble?” she asked.
She sat down with me on my bed.
“NO, GRANDMA! NO! NO! WE CAN’T SIT HERE!”
I squeezed out of her arms and ran out my door.
“THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED!” I yelled.
I jumped up and down.
“RUN, HELEN! RUN LIKE THE WIND!”
Only Grandma Helen Miller didn’t run. She just flopped back on my covers. And she closed her eyes.
“No, Junie B. Please. We’re not going to go through this monster business again, are we? We’ve talked about monsters before, remember? We decided that there are no such things as monsters.”
“Yes, but I have new information,” I said. “’Cause the monster under my bed turns himself invisible whenever we look at him. Plus at night—after my eyes are closed—he climbs next to me. And he puts my head in his mouth.”
Grandma Miller did a big breath. Then she went to the kitchen. And she brought back my daddy’s flashlight.
She shined it under my bed.
“No monster, Junie B. None. I don’t see one single monster under this bed,” she said.
“See?” I said. “That proves it, Grandma! He turned himself invisible!”
Grandma Miller shook her head.
“No, Junie B. The monster did not turn himself invisible. The monster is simply not there. He does not exist. Period.”
“Yes, he does, Grandma! He does too exist. ’Cause Paulie Allen Puffer’s big brother even said so. Plus also I’ve seen the drool.”
Grandma Miller said to calm down my voice. She got me a drink of water.
“Why don’t we forget about the monster for now, and we’ll go make popcorn. You can talk to your mother about this when she gets home. I bet Mother will know exactly
what to do.”
I thought and thought.
“What, Grandma? What will she do?” I asked.
Then—all of a sudden—a light bulb went on in my head.
“Hey! I know what she’ll do! Mother will get the broom and bash the monster’s head in! ’Cause I saw her do that to a roach before! And she is excellent at it!”
Grandma Miller closed her eyes again.
She said I am a strange one.
4/Spooky and Scary
Pretty soon, Mother came home from work.
I zoomed to her speedy quick. And handed her the broom.
“MOTHER! MOTHER! COME ON! COME ON! LET’S GO! LET’S GO GET THE MONSTER!” I hollered.
Mother turned her head real slow. And she looked at Grandma Miller.
Grandma sucked in her cheeks.
“A monster,” she said kind of quiet. “Under the bed. We’ve been waiting for you to come home, so you can bash its head in.”
I tugged on her sweater.
“Plus tell her about the drool, Grandma!” I said.
But Grandma Miller headed to the door. And she said the words I’m outta here.
I pulled on Mother’s arm.
“Come on! Come on, Mother! The monster’s really real! ’Cause Paulie Allen Puffer told me everybody has a monster under the bed! Plus that Grace said it can turn invisible. And so that is how come we never saw that guy before.”
Mother sat down at the kitchen table. And she lifted me onto her lap.
Then she said that Paulie Allen Puffer was just trying to scare me. Plus that Grace didn’t know what she was talking about.
“There is no monster under your bed, Junie B. I promise you. Monsters are not real,” she said.
“Yes, they are! They are too real! ’Cause Paulie Allen Puffer’s brother even said so! And he is in seventh grade! And he said monsters crawl on your bed! And they fit your head in their mouth! And so that is where the drool comes from! ’Cause I am not even a baby!”
Just then, I heard the front door open.
It was my daddy! He was home from work, too!
“Daddy, Daddy! There’s a monster under my bed! Only you said monsters aren’t real. But they really, really are!”
I pulled on his arm.
“Come on, Daddy! Let’s get him!”
Daddy looked at Mother a real long time.
They went in the hall and did whispering.