The funeral car pulled up out front of my mum’s house and we made our way to the cars, now my mother had nothing to keep herself busy with, she went back inside herself, she barely glanced at his coffin before scuttling in to the car behind the hearse.
Henry’s is the first funeral I have attended since Jas’s. I tuned out of the service, thankfully he was being cremated so I didn’t have to endure doing the graveside part.
It was mostly family back at the house, Ava hadn’t left my mother’s side since we got back. Rose was being her usual self making sure everyone had food and drinks. I joined Alex and Nat outside, it was getting colder and it didn’t seem to bother them.
“Hey” I spoke, getting their attention.
“How is mum?” Alex asked.
“Pretty much the same, Ava is with her”
“Have you seen Jack and Jasmine-Lily?” Nat asked.
“Yeah they are fine”
I didn’t dare say they were hiding upstairs in their room here, bored playing on their phones and gadgets.
“What are you doing out here anyway?”
“Just having a breather. Do you remember our first Christmas together, the next morning when you went downstairs and found him still at your mums? Your face was a picture,” Nat laughed, bringing up happier times.
“How could I forget, I knew then he was different, would become permanent” he said, “Which could have been awkward if you didn’t forgive him for punching you that time Jas was in the hospital” he said, pointing his drink at me.
“Yeah, he landed me on my ass that day” I laughed.
“To Henry” Nat toasted, holding her glass up.
“Rest in peace old man” I said, clinking glasses with them both.
I sat outside after Alex took Nat back into the warm, for the beginning of September it was colder than usual.
Saying goodbye to Henry today brought back memories of saying goodbye to Jas, I always associate Henry with Jas, he was a part of her life for so long, then a part of ours it was hard not to. It feels like I’m beginning to lose every connection I have to Jas, with Henry passed on and Rose retiring to Australia, my last connection is Ava. Probably the biggest connection of all, however she didn’t have the memories Henry, Rose and I share.
I know by now I should be well over her, most likely remarried or at the very least in a relationship totally committed to another, but the thought of that type of life will never be for me.
“Here you are”
I snapped back into focus to see Ava had sat beside me, pulling her jacket tighter around herself.
“What are you doing out here on your own?” she asked.
“Just taking a breather” I managed to say with a small smile.
“It still doesn’t feel real, I keep expecting to see him walk through the door.”
She had remained strong throughout the service, she didn’t shed one tear. Now with only me around she was beginning to open up, another trait she has in common with Jas.
“I remember bits of my adoptive parent’s funeral but I was too young to understand what was going on, I’m glad of that now because this hurts too much” she said, beginning to cry.
I moved closer to her and held her in my arms, I understand how she is feeling all too well. The more she sobbed, the tighter I held her. She is in pain and there isn’t a thing I can do to help her, the same frustrations I had not being able to help Jas began to resurface.
“It’s okay Ava” I soothed.
“It’s not fair, and now Granma is on her own” she sobbed harder.
“She isn’t on her own, she has all of us” I reminded her.
“I suppose” she sat up straight and wiped her eyes on her jacket sleeve, “I should get back in, are you coming?”
“I’ll follow you in a minute”
I looked across the gardens, all very well-tended to and scenic. I would have to find someone who could come and help with the upkeep, my mum isn’t going to be able to keep on top with gardening, not at her age.
Finally, with something to focus on I stood ready to join everyone back in the house.
Chapter Fifteen
The last few months have been dreadfully quiet. Since Henry’s funeral, everyone has been doing their own thing. Alex and Nat have been rebuilding their marriage, Jack is still struggling with his dads’ affair, but Jasmine-Lily is happy her dad is home again. I have seen big changes in him, he is happier then he used to be, I sometimes think this has made them stronger as a couple. No doubt Nat still has worries, thankfully she is going to work through them, I still don’t understand what he was thinking, he could have lost the best part of his life and he is lucky to get them back.
Rose finally left a couple of days after the funeral, she debated about staying for my mothers’ sake, but I promised her I would look after her, we all did. She still keeps in contact, one of the good things about being rich is it doesn’t matter about the overseas phone bills, I know she keeps regular contact with my mother.
Ava and Layton decided to extend their honeymoon by a month, travelling around the world, Henry’s death affected her the most besides my mother. I knew they had a bond but I didn’t realise how strong it was. Once they returned, she lost herself in her work. I worry about her more than ever now. She had never lost anyone before, apart from her mother but she hadn’t known her like she did Henry.
My mother was suffering, she scared me most days when I saw her. She was herself to a degree, but she had that distant everything about her. She smiled at us, spoke to us, made herself busy preparing us food as soon as any of us arrived but she wasn’t really there with us. My guilt at the sight of her, knowing what I was seeing in her was what she had to see in me for all these years tore at my chest.
She looked so lost without him, just like how I have felt without Jas. I don’t think I could cope if I had to watch Ava live like this, it was amazing my mother had done it for fifteen years and not crumbled.
Life really has a way of kicking you while you are down, I never once thought about families or a happy ever after before Jas, as soon as I knew that was what I wanted in life, she was taken away from me, we never stood a chance. My mother did and I’m grateful she had Henry for as long as she did. He was her happy ever after, he left her in the natural order of life, unlike Jas.
As for me, I work, spend a lot more time with my mum and sleep when I could. I am content knowing this is my life, I wouldn’t want it any other way unless it involved Jas. Knowing she is the only woman who captured my heart makes it all worthwhile. I’m not the kind of man who could settle down with anyone for the sake of appearances, and anyway, who says you have to be in a relationship to be happy? I have my daughter and my family and I’m happy, as much as I can be without her.
Times when we do all get together makes it more special these days, nobody is invincible, any one of us could be taken next, and I intend to spend as much time with them as possible.
Starting with Christmas, the whole family is spending it at mine, it is the only house that doesn’t hold any bad memories like the others.
Currently, boxes of decorations and a tree that could compete in the tallest tree award was covering the living room floor. Every year Ava and I decorate the tree together and put lights round the room, Jasmine style.
It started the first Christmas after she died, Rose had brought over the tree and decorations Jas had. Apparently I had asked for them in one of my drunken stupors. It was in one of these drunk stupors when I decided to put the decorations up, it could have been one of many reasons, I was drunk, I have no decorating style or the one I like to think is that Jas was with me because when I woke the next morning, the tree was a mish mash of baubles and tinsel but the lights were in place perfectly like Jas loved.
Ever since then, it has always been the same, and when Ava came to live with me, she jumped straight on it and wanted to carry it on. So now, it is our tradition to keep Jas with us at Christmas.
“Are you
ready to do this?” Ava smirked grabbing at the tinsel.
“Hell yeah” I smiled.
“I’ll take the bottom half of the tree this year” she said out of nowhere, “You concentrate on the top half”
“Okay” I said, dazed by her order.
The good thing about basically throwing everything at the tree, is it doesn’t take us long to finish. Ava curled up on the sofa while I put the lights up around the room. I joined her on the sofa when I had finished.
“I can see why she found the lights fascinating, they are so pretty, I could sit here for hours watching them” she said.
“She did sometimes, sit for hours I mean. I would wake up in the night and she would be lying there just watching them,” I said, remembering better times.
God I missed her, especially at this time of year because I know in just over a week’s time, will be sixteen years since she left me. Having Ava around makes it easier to cope with.
“I was thinking, we might stay here tomorrow night so we don’t have to drive on Christmas morning, if that is okay?” she said, yawning.
“Of course it is” I told her, silently cheering at the prospect I wouldn’t have to wake up on Christmas morning on my own, “Your working too much, you look knackered” I said disapprovingly.
“It’s a good job it’s the holidays now then, don’t worry I’ll rest for the next two weeks” she promised.
Eventually she went home, leaving me watching the lights. I was going to make this Christmas extra special. We had all had a shitty second half to the year and with Henry and Rose not here this year, we all needed a day to relax and enjoy ourselves.
I was the first one down on Christmas morning, I busied myself preparing breakfast and laying the table ready, my cooking skills have fared much better over the years. I was in the middle of dishing up when Ava and Layton came through.
“Good morning and happy Christmas”
“Happy Christmas dad”
“Smells good Chris, I’m starving” Layton commented looking over the food before him.
“There is plenty, help yourself” I said, joining them at the table.
“This looks amazing, and look the eggs are actually fried. Well done dad,” Ava joked.
Layton dug in, filling his plate with eggs, bacon and sausages, but Ava was going green. I saw her trying to slow her breathing, her eyes glazing over and getting heavier.
“Excuse me” she muttered, before running out of the room.
“What is wrong with her?” I panicked.
This was exactly how I spent Christmas morning fifteen years ago, trying to eat breakfast while the most important woman in my life was throwing up.
“She is okay, she will be back in a minute” Layton said, barely stopping eating.
His disregard for my daughter made me see red, to the point I wouldn’t regret punching him.
She didn’t eat much last night so she couldn’t have food poisoning, come to think of it she hasn’t been eating a lot lately and has been looking tired all the time. Oh god! Please no! I was told it wasn’t hereditary, if she were ill she would have told me, then again I know how much she likes to keep me hidden from whatever she thinks will hurt me. Damn daughter of mine, what isn’t she telling me?
“Are you okay?” I asked, as soon as she walked back into the kitchen.
“I’m fine dad, sit down” she said, taking her seat again.
“What is going on Ava?” I demanded.
“I wanted to tell you later with everyone else, but you’re not going to let this go, are you?”
“Definitely not!”
She and Layton shared a smile before she spoke again,
“Okay, you are going to be a grandad” she beamed.
“What?”
My mouth went dry, pains in my chest caused me to believe I was having a heart attack. Pregnant?
“Here, have some water” Layton laughed, handing me a glass from the counter.
“I’m pregnant dad” she clarified.
As it sunk in I started laughing.
“I’m going to be a granddad” I repeated her words, “Bloody hell”
Something I thought would never happen, my eyes were wet, I had tears of joy.
“Congratulations” I stuttered.
“See I said you had nothing to worry about,” Layton smiled at Ava.
“Worry? This is brilliant news” I said, “Definitely something to celebrate,” I added.
Ava spent the rest of the morning sleeping on the sofa while Layton helped me prepare Christmas dinner. He had taken to calling me grandad at any opportunity he could and I liked it.
Throughout the morning I found myself looking forward to the prospect of becoming a grandad, I’d never thought about it before in much detail. I anticipated the day would eventually come, especially as they are married now, now it was happening, I was excited.
I was even thinking about whether I would have a grandson or daughter when Alex and Nat arrived. Ava asked to make her announcement during dinner and I promised not to say anything.
“Someone looks very happy today,” Nat said, taking her coat off.
“It’s Christmas,” I said, covering the real truth behind my grin, “Come on guys, your presents are in here” I told them all.
Before we all chance to sit my mother arrived, and she arrived with Rose.
“What are you doing here? We thought you were spending Christmas with your sister?” I asked in delight she was here.
“She decided to go on a cruise, so I decided I would come home and spend it with you lot” she smiled.
“Perfect” I beamed, taking her coat.
“Happy Christmas mum” I said, passing her to put away their coats and scarves.
“Merry Christmas son, now, where have you got to with the turkey?”
“I told you I am cooking dinner this year, sit down and relax”
I wanted one day where she didn’t have to run around after us.
“I appreciate the thought, but cooking does relax me, come on Rose, let’s see what damage he has done” she said, walking towards the kitchen.
I gave up, secretly happy, my cooking wouldn’t taste nowhere as good as theirs.
By the time everyone had opened their gifts, I couldn’t wait for the food to be ready, I was struggling not to say anything. The more time I spent thinking about it, the more excited I became. To think, the first thought that comes to mind whenever Ava isn’t feeling well is of Jas, fearing she is going to follow her fate and all along it was because she is pregnant.
I have to let go of the fear I have, Jas was Jas and Ava is Ava. She isn’t going anywhere, and I wanted to scream she is going to be a mother.
She could not make me any prouder then I was of her today.
Finally Rose called to say dinner was ready. Everyone near enough ran to the table. The food looked glorious and I was starving.
I took the chance before everyone tucked in to say a few words, that way Ava can make her announcement and I’ll be free from the secret.
“Just so everyone knows, I prepared the dinner, I can’t let mum and Rose take all the credit this year” I laughed, “This year we all have had our ups and downs, and the last few months haven’t been kind to us, but today is Christmas, Henry would want us to celebrate our ups and look to the future…” Ava nodded, she was giving me permission.
“Are you sure?” I asked first.
“Yes”
Everyone looked less bored now and sat up straighter.
“And, we have something to celebrate this year…we are going to have another addition to our family, I am going to be a grandad” I smiled, finally able to talk about it.
Everyone erupted into cheers.
“You’re going to be a great grandmother Fi” Rose teased softly.
“That makes me feel very old,” she said.
“Congratulations Ava, how far along are you?” Nat asked.
“Three months, it has killed me keeping it a s
ecret,” she said.
“A July baby, you might be sharing your birthday this year?” she mused.
The rest of dinner was full of baby talk and planning. She was three months gone so it wasn’t considered bad luck.
I saw my mum quietly retreating to the kitchen, no one noticed when I left to follow her.
“Why are you hiding in here?” I asked, watching her lean over the sink.
“I needed a minute, that’s all” she replied.
“Too much?”
She laughed before a wave of guilt washed over her.
“It’s difficult to be sad when good things happen”
Oh, she was feeling guilty for being happy for Ava when Henry wasn’t here to celebrate it with us.
“Henry wouldn’t want you to be sad, not today”
“I miss him”
“I know you do,” I said, pulling her into my arms.
“Forget about me” she said stepping back and wiping her eyes, “I never thought I would see the day when my son would become a grandad” she smiled proudly.
“Tell me about it, neither did I”
“You don’t seem scared?” she said. Scrutinising my face.
“For the first time in my life, I am not scared, not about this” I admitted,
“Come on, let me get you a drink,” I added leading her back to the table.
Later that day once the dinner had long been forgotten about, the dishes had been cleaned away and we were lounging in the living room, Jase, Anna and Sophia turned up. Sophia joined Jasmine-Lily while Jase and Anna fell onto the spare sofa. It didn’t matter that he got married and began a family, each year he still comes round at some point on Christmas day.
Of course the grandad jibes were being thrown about, I was the first to be crowned that title, so I took them in good spirits, I didn’t care.
I missed out on this with Ava, I’ll be damned if I miss a single moment with my grandchild.