"I'll take you there. I can come in and help you with whatever."
I shook my head, putting my phone in my pocket as I stood. "I just need to get there fast before I lose my position. Shit!"
Benji smiled. "Oh, I can get you there fast."
The Mustang's brakes squealed as we pulled away from Gigi's and then again when we skidded to a stop in front of the Fitz.
I climbed out, holding open the door and laughing. "Thanks for not killing me."
"We still on for studying tomorrow?"
I looked at Benji for a moment, wondering if that was a good idea, and then nodded. What the hell? "Sure," I said.
I pushed the door shut and turned to climb the steps, but Benji called my name. The passenger-side window was rolled down nearly all the way by the time I flipped around to face him.
"Can I sit with you in class again?"
It felt strange to keep saying yes to Benji after telling him no for so long, but I wasn't enough of a badass to endure seeing that sad look on Benji's face again. He was a good person. He deserved way better than I could ever give him, but that didn't mean I had to punish him for trying to be my friend.
"Yeah," I said.
Leaving him behind, I jogged up the stairs and into the lobby. My pace slowed as I descended the north stairs to the basement, trying to process the day.
Once I opened the lab door and walked in though, the moment of peace had returned to chaos.
Both Cy and Dr. Z were rushing me, asking where I was, why I was late, whom I was with, and a dozen other questions.
I held up my hands. "I'm sorry! I've been working every night for six weeks! I needed a break!"
"You couldn't call?" Cy snapped.
"I should have called Dr. Z. I'm sorry."
The professor patted his chest. "I'm glad you're okay. Of course, you work very hard and should take breaks, Rory. But please, for god's sake, let me know when you decide to disappear."
Disappear. For the love of all things holy. "Dr. Z, I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking."
He waved me away, walking toward the door. "Please. We're ahead of schedule, and all thanks to the two of you."
Dr. Z left, locking the door behind him.
"Selfish!" Cy growled behind me.
I flipped around, preparing to let him know that I didn't report to him, but the second I faced him, he crashed into me, wrapping his arms around me, his fingers digging into my skin.
"I thought..." he said, his voice thick with worry.
I just stood there, not knowing what else to do. No one had touched me like that in a long time, yet it felt natural, as if he'd held me a hundred times before. I slowly hugged him back and rested my chin on his shoulder. The longer he held me, the better it felt.
After a full minute, Cy finally relaxed his grip and took a step back.
"My apologies," he said quietly. He looked down and then pushed his glasses up to sit higher on the ridge of his nose.
"You thought what?" I asked.
He shook his head and turned around, retreating to his desk.
"I'm not depressed, if that's what you think."
"I didn't think you killed yourself, Rory."
"Then, what is it?"
"I just...I don't want anything to happen to you."
I grinned, dropping my backpack beside my desk. "Something has already happened to me. You should stop worrying."
Cy opened his mouth to say something, but he decided against it.
FOR FOUR WEEKS, Benji and I had inevitably eaten two meals a day together, nearly every day, and I'd found I was beginning to look forward to it. My grades had returned to normal, and Ellie had even seemed to be around less. For the first time since I'd moved to Helena, I was smiling more often than not.
Spending time with Benji seemed to take up my days, and being ignored by Cy took up my nights. We would sit across from each other, barely speaking, barely making eye contact. I'd tried asking questions I didn't need the answers to. I'd even tried bringing up the fact that he'd shown up at my door weeks before in the early morning hours to check up on me, figuring that would get him talking. But every time, he would find some way to answer in one or two words or say he was too busy to talk.
I pretended not to notice, but I wanted to punch him for pulling me into that amazing hug as if he gave a shit and then spending nearly a month making me feel as if I were invisible. I wanted to punch myself for caring, for allowing someone to make me feel that way in the first place.
Halloween night, while everyone was dressing up and attending parties, Cy and I were in the basement, punching numbers. The Fitz was one of the oldest buildings on campus, and it struggled to keep itself comfortably heated in the winter and cooled in the summer. The basement was particularly miserable and felt like an icebox on very cold nights.
I sipped my water and then put it down before pulling the sleeves of my sweater further over my hands.
Cy cleared his throat, and for the first time in weeks, he spoke to me first, "I can talk to Dr. Zorba about a space heater."
"He'll never go for it," I said, wiping my lips with the cuff of my sweater. "He wouldn't risk a fire or a significant temperature change affecting the specimen."
"It won't affect the specimen. It came from space."
"Exactly. Where it's cold."
"Who says the planet it originated from wasn't able to retain higher temperatures?"
"Like Venus?"
"Exactly like Venus. I mean...I'm sure that it's possible. I'll look into a space heater."
I watched him expectantly.
"What?"
"No Uranus jokes? I'm disappointed."
"What do you mean?"
I chuckled. "Never mind." My fingers began clicking against the keyboard again, and from the corner of my eye, I was sure that I caught Cy staring at me. I glanced over at him. "What?"
"You're much more attractive when you smile, and your laugh is lovely."
"Uh...thank you."
"You're--"
"I'm welcome. It's okay. I say thank you to you a lot, apparently."
"I just want you to...I don't know what I want."
He stared at me for a few moments more and then continued with his work. My face caught fire as the blood pooled under my cheeks. My fingers wouldn't work after that, and I couldn't concentrate on the numbers.
Cy stood up and left the room without a word. Right about the time I decided to get up and look for him, he returned, setting a Butterfinger on my desk.
"Trick or treat, right?" he said.
"Is that a Halloween joke? I mean, that's cool. I just didn't know you had a sense of humor."
"I'm surprised you're here. There are costume parties all over campus."
I shook my head. "I don't really do parties. Just once in a while when I'm bored out of my mind, but I avoid Halloween parties at all costs."
"Why is that?"
"Fake blood. Dead people. Slutty costumes. None of it screams fun to me."
Cy grinned. "I suppose not. We still have an hour or so of work to do. Would you mind if I walk you home when we're finished?"
"Why?"
My response took Cy off guard.
He blinked a few times and then cleared his throat. "I think that maybe my insistence not to form attachments here was incorrect. We spend a lot of time together in this lab, and I'd like to get to know you better. As much as one can in the time I have left."
"You're going back home?"
He nodded.
"When?"
"Soon."
"So, that's why you've been ignoring me? Because you know you're leaving?"
He hesitated. "In part, yes."
"What's the other part?"
He squirmed in his chair. "You...intrigue me."
I wanted to high-five myself. The few times we'd interacted before I thought he was being nice in spite of feeling an extreme loathing toward me. Instead, it was the opposite. To Cy, I was intriguing.
I shrugged,
trying to pretend I wasn't irrationally pleased. "If you want."
He smiled and then continued with his work. Despite the difficulty I had focusing, I forced myself to get through the pages of data on my desk. My mind kept wandering off, questioning why I felt so drawn to him. Cy wasn't my type. He was leaving. His lack of concert tees told me that we likely had nothing in common. But even then, I had a strong feeling that there was a reason life had thrown us together.
An hour later, I put the last sheet in the bin and turned to Cy. "Need any help?" I asked.
"No, I was just working on a few things for tomorrow while you finished up."
"Show-off," I said, grabbing my bag.
Cy and I walked out of the building, toward my dormitory.
"Would you like my coat?" Cy asked.
I shook my head.
"So," Cy said, shoving his hands into his pockets, "what is your major, Rory?"
"I'm considering Bio Med. I have a thing for Astrobiology though, and Dr. Z and my father..." I began, but got lost in the thought.
"Were astrobiologists? Nothing wrong with having similar interests as a parent. It's quite honorable where I'm from."
"It just feels as though I'm repeating something that shouldn't be repeated." I shook my head. "It's hard to explain."
"No, I get it."
"No, you don't," I said. It wasn't the right thing to say or even remotely polite, but I became weirdly defensive when it came to my pain and memories. No one got anything about me, not even Dr. Z, and they didn't get to say they did. If they understood or related to me, it meant I had to share something that belonged only to me.
When Dr. Z, my counselors, or my social worker tried to offer understanding, I let them know they weren't within a thousand light-years of my truth. Pretending was a waste of everyone's time, and I had endured hell to keep mine. It felt wrong to waste it.
"You're right. That was inconsiderate of me. I'm sorry."
"What's your major?" I asked, trying to pretend I didn't just make our little nature walk completely awkward.
"Interplanetary Culture."
I laughed once. "I'm pretty sure Kempton doesn't offer that."
"I chose Kempton for my semester abroad. It's part of my curriculum at home."
A group of students dressed like various characters of The Wizard of Oz jogged by. Dorothy, of course, had hairy legs and a goatee.
Cy smiled, and we continued. "Your culture is definitely one of my favorites."
"You don't celebrate Halloween?"
"No, but if you mean dressing up and begging for candy, then technically, neither do you."
"Touche."
"Did that really just happen? I won an argument?" he asked, grinning.
I narrowed my eyes at him. "Did you just gloat?"
"I guess I did."
"Feel better?"
"Yes. Yes, I do."
"Good. I would say that's out of character for you, but you seem like the gloating type. You're kind of a show-off in general."
Cy seemed offended. "I most certainly do not show off. I am quite focused on remaining in the background."
"No. You're definitely a show-off. All those off-the-wall questions you ask in Dr. Z's class? Show-off."
"I suppose gaining information is not what university is about then?"
"You ask questions a certain way, as if you already know the answers."
"That doesn't even make sense, Rory, and it's actually quite rude."
"I'm not insulting you. I'm describing you."
Cy frowned. "That isn't a very nice way of describing someone."
"I also think you're a little bit...somewhat attractive, and your eyes are incredible. There, that should heal the bruise on your ego."
"No, it doesn't."
I shrugged.
"You think I'm attractive?" he asked.
"Now, you're fishing for compliments. Showing off and now this? Now I know you're a narcissist."
"What?" Cy said, his voice rising an octave.
I burst into laughter, bending over and clutching my stomach. When I finally stood, I lilted a sigh. "Wow. I needed that."
"To insult me?"
"No, to laugh. I was fucking with you, Cy."
His eyes widened.
"I was joking, messing with you, just kidding?"
He nodded, seeming nervous. "Oh."
I shook my head and patted him on the arm, looking up at the four floors of windows on my dormitory. Most of them were dark. "This is me. Thanks for walking me home and for asking this time."
He ignored my mention of him showing up at my door.
"You're never going to explain that, are you?" I asked.
"I don't think I need to."
"So, my hypothesis that you followed me after I left the lab is correct?"
Cy didn't answer.
"Why?"
"I've already told you. I wanted to make sure you were okay."
"That's all?"
"That's all, and for some reason, I needed to see you."
"Why?"
"Why must you ask so many questions, Rory?"
"Weren't you just defending the right to learn while in college?"
Cy lowered his eyes and took a breath. "And just like college, some things we must wait to learn."
"But we learn them."
He managed a small smile and then fidgeted for a bit before reaching for me. He pulled me against him, and my entire body stiffened.
He held his warm cheek against mine and whispered in my ear, "No one knows everything."
He let me go and walked away quickly, his hands in his pockets.
The next day in class, Benji sat next to me and immediately began filling me in on everything that had happened since I saw him last. I opened my laptop, ignoring him for the most part and thinking about the night before. It was nice to walk with Cy and to talk about classes and my major instead of the rock. I thought about how soft and warm his skin was against my cheek and how good he smelled.
Benji prattled on, oblivious to the fact that I was clearly preoccupied, and then Cy walked in. He did something he'd never done before. He looked up at me. Before I did anything stupid, like wave, Cy's eyes drifted to Benji, and Cy's entire face tightened. Benji noticed, too, and they traded strained glances.
Benji leaned into my ear. "Is it just me, or did he give me a look?"
"It's just you."
Cy continued to his desk, and Benji continued with his story about the value of good study habits and his clear superiority over integers.
"Hey..." Benji said, stopping mid-sentence.
"Huh?"
"I can't help but wonder if that was a glint of jealousy in Cy's eyes or just curiosity."
"Neither. You're imagining things."
Dr. Z greeted the class and began his lecture.
Before I could even type the date, Benji leaned in again, his brown eyes lit with mischief. "You don't think I could make Cy jealous? That hurts."
"What is your deal today?"
His playful expression faded. "I saw him walking you home this morning. Are you guys..."
"That was at two o'clock. Why were you hanging around my dorm at two in the morning?"
Benji puffed out a laugh. "I wasn't hanging around your dorm. I was running."
"At two?"
He shrugged. "I couldn't sleep. Are you avoiding the question?"
"No. We're not doing whatever it is you think we're doing. And shh...I'm trying to learn."
"It's okay, you know, if you like him. You don't have to worry about me."
My eyes met Benji's. He looked wounded. "I never asked you to like me."
He shook his head. "No, I know. I just...I will always be your friend. It doesn't matter if you reciprocate those feelings or not. I don't need you to love me to love you."
I pulled my mouth to one side in an awkward half-smile and then faced forward. He loves me? Since when?
Our relationship had been strictly platonic since freshman
orientation. At least, that was what I thought. I didn't know how to feel about that, much less respond.
"Really?" I hissed. "This is how you tell me? Are you serious right now?"
"Sorry, Rory, I didn't mean to--"
"It's okay," I whispered, waving him away. "We don't have to talk about it now."
"Fair enough," he said, his shoulders sagging.
The rest of class, I felt nauseous and panicky, flattered and sympathetic.
"Are we cafe-ing it today?" he asked.
I just shook my head a few quick times and intentionally didn't look over to see his reaction. Benji feeling hurt was beginning to affect me in ways I didn't like or appreciate. I wanted us to go back to being friends, as we were before, but it was becoming clear that we couldn't. I never asked him to be my friend in the first place or to like me or love me or however he felt about me. Why should I have to take on this guilt when I tried to keep a respectable distance from the beginning? It wasn't my fault. He was the one who was dishonest. It ruined everything, and now, Cy was finally coming around.
I could feel Benji's disappointment radiating from his perfectly ironed peach oxford. What self-respecting guy wears peach--even if the color does look amazing with his skin and eyes--or feathers his hair since 1991, for that matter? I fought the guilt with anger, and for the time being, it was working.
Class dismissed, and I took my things and darted past Benji, not even saying good-bye. I wasn't sure if he tried. I refused to look.
Since eating lunch at the cafe was out and the college cafeterias were always too full of obnoxious people during that time of day, I opted to head down to the Fitz and get a few samples lined up and ready for Cy that evening. I was hoping that thought would lead my mind to think more about Cy, but I couldn't get Benji's defeated expression out of my head.
My mind was made up: interaction with Benji would have to be limited. We'd gotten too close, even after the Ellie ridiculousness. He was sneaky, and I was stupid. I should never have kissed him. I knew how he felt about me.
I could feel my entire face compressing into a tight, troubled frown, but both my emotions and my face unraveled when I saw Cy at his desk, already lining up samples.
"Hello, Rory. Surprised to see you here during the day."
"I was going to say that exact same thing to you." I walked over to his desk where he had petri dishes and small square stickers marked with consecutive numbers.
"I guess you don't need me at all," I teased.
"Oh, I need you. Make no mistake about that."
I was standing a bit behind him, so I watched, hoping he would turn around and wink or smile or somehow indicate that what he said meant more.