We all settled down on the mattress pads. Between the cold and the constant walking and then the release of sex, I was exhausted. I pushed all thoughts aside and immediately fell into a deep, comforting sleep.
A few hours later, I found myself awake. I paused for a moment, then realized I needed to use the bathroom. The room was cloaked in shadow—the lights were out except for a single lantern on one of the tables. As I sat up, I saw Jason and Tam sitting by it, talking. They didn’t notice me—I was good at being quiet when I wanted to, and I didn’t want to disturb whatever conversation they were having. I quietly slid out from beneath the covers and padded silently toward the bathroom. But as I drew close, my enhanced hearing kicked in.
“Are you ever going to tell her?” Tam was asking.
Jason shrugged. “I don’t see why I should. She’d hate me. I know she used to have a crush on me, but I’m so glad that passed—it was awkward.”
“I’m grateful it did too, because it meant I had a chance.” Tam paused, then he said, “I still think she deserves to know. Jason, someday you will have to tell her and the longer you let it go, the worse it will be.”
“What do you suggest I do? Walk up and say, ‘Hey, Kae, I used to fuck your mother. We were having an affair before you were born’? What’s she going to do with that?”
“You don’t have to put it that crudely and you know it.”
I froze against the wall, my heart in my throat. All I could think about was escape. I needed to get out of here so I could think before a panic attack hit me. I really didn’t want them to know I had overheard them until I could process the whirl of thoughts that were clouding my brain.
I realized that I was very close to the bathroom door. I could probably slip in without being noticed. I edged over to the opening, softly turning the doorknob, grateful that there was only a pale light inside the room. I slipped in and softly closed the door behind me, leaning against it.
As the reality of what I had heard began to sink in, I folded onto the floor, blocking the door as I leaned back against it.
The explosions began to ring in my head.
Jason and my mother had an affair… Boom.
He had been her lover… Boom.
I tried to recall any memory of him other than as my parents’ friend, but nothing came to mind. He had been a frequent visitor and my father had liked him, so he couldn’t have known. And then I froze again as another thought—one that sickened me to the core—began to creep in. Jason had an affair with my mother before I was born. Could I be…was he…?
“No,” I whispered fiercely. If he was my father, I’d be part hawk-shifter.
Not necessarily, a little voice taunted. Leonard isn’t, and his mother is a hawk-shifter. Plus, you’re Theosian, which changes everything.
I leaned down, wrapping my arms around my knees as I rested my head on them. This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be. And Tam had known—he had known that Jason had been my mother’s lover, and he didn’t tell me.
Desperate to go outside—how could I possibly sleep now?—I tried to figure out a way to get dressed and out the door without anybody noticing. My stomach clenching, I slowly pushed myself up again, and cracked the door just a peek to see if they were still talking. But luck was with me. Tam and Jason seemed to have gone to sleep.
I used the toilet, then washed my hands and face, avoiding my reflection in the mirror. I really didn’t want to face anybody—least of all myself—right now. Once again, I cracked open the door and slid out, softly creeping to my bed. I eased down on the mattress and slid into my jeans and turtleneck, then put on socks. Carrying my boots, I tiptoed along the wall, keeping to the shadows, till I came to the door to the outside. Without a word, I gently opened it to face a whirl of wind and snow. I slipped outside before anybody noticed I was gone.
Chapter 9
My feet were freezing as I dashed through the snow to a nearby bench, where I was able to sit down and put on my boots. The chill coming on the heels of having been so warm and cozy inside reverberated through my body and I wished I’d thought to bring my coat. At least the turtleneck had long sleeves, but the material wasn’t all that warm, and I pulled the end of the sleeves down, tucking them in my hands as I hunched over trying to keep myself warm.
The snow was trickling down in tiny flakes like glitter confetti. I stared at the ground for a few minutes, trying not to think. I tried to push what Jason had said out of my mind, but it kept echoing through me, like a pendulum that wouldn’t stop ticking off the seconds of a clock.
Tick… She’d hate me… Tock… I know she used to have a crush on me, but I’m so glad that passed—it was so awkward… Tick… What do you suggest I do? Walk up and say, “Hey, Kae, I used to fuck your mother… Tock… We were having an affair before you were born.”
My face flared and I realized that I was embarrassed. Humiliated, if I was honest with myself. That he knew that I had a crush on him was bad enough. But that he had been my mother’s lover was worse. The two secrets together? Unbearable. He had slept with her, while my father was alive, and then went on pretending to be just her friend.
A thought crossed my mind. Had my father known? Had he looked the other way? Or had Marlene kept her lie all the way through? Had she really loved my father or had she just been pretending? And even worse—what if Jason was my father? It wasn’t out of the question.
The thought that I might have had a crush on my father made me sick to my stomach and the shock and humiliation combined to churn what I had eaten for dinner into a sudden rush coming up in my throat. I stumbled off the bench and fell on my knees in the snow, vomiting until everything I had eaten was a puddle in front of me. I pushed myself back, grabbed a handful of the clean white snow and thrust it in my mouth, holding it there till it melted and I could spit it out. After a couple of times, my mouth felt clean, and I took another handful, this time swallowing it for water.
By now, I was freezing. I had to go back inside or I could freeze to death.
A sudden movement to my side made me turn. I prayed it wouldn’t be Jason or Tam. I couldn’t talk to either one of them right now. But I was in luck. It was Zhan.
“You are ill?” he asked, nodding to the mess I had made.
“I’m all right. I just…my stomach was just upset.” My teeth chattering, I reached for the bench to help myself stand, but he was at my side, giving me his hand before I could touch the stone. I accepted his help and rose. Shaking, I sat down again.
“What is wrong? Should I alert Jerako?”
I shook my head. “No. I’ll be all right. I just had…something of a shock. I was going back inside.” But even as I spoke, the sting of tears hit my eyes. I didn’t cry often, but the dam broke and harsh sobs escaped my throat as I leaned over, pressing my face to my hands.
“You are sad.” The hedgemite sat beside me and gingerly put a hand on my shoulder. “Tell me what I can do?”
“Nothing. That’s the problem. There’s nothing anybody can do.”
I raised my head, the sting of betrayal hitting me on all sides. My mother had betrayed my father. And it felt like she had betrayed me. Jason had betrayed my father, and then me by keeping silent all these years. Even Tam. He had known but never once said a word to me. Although I understood—it had never been his place to say anything—it felt wrong, especially now that we were together.
Maybe he promised Jason long ago. You wouldn’t respect him if he broke his promises, would you? But how could he? How could he love me and keep such a secret? You’ve made promises in the past, would you break them because you’re suddenly in a new relationship?
The internal bickering continued as I tried to get a hold of myself. I wiped my eyes on my sleeve, sniffling as the cold drips from my nose froze against my face.
“I’m sorry. I don’t want to worry you. I’m just stressed out and having a rough evening. I need to sleep but I’m afraid I won’t be able to.”
Zhan snapped his fingers. “I can
help you with that. Wait here. I’ll be right back.” He dashed off and I felt bad. The hedgemite was trying to be helpful.
Good to his word, Zhan reappeared shortly after with a mug in hand. “A sleeping tea. It won’t harm you, no fear of that, but will let you sleep without worry through the night till morning. Please, drink.”
I sniffed it cautiously. The aroma enveloped me like soft gauze, and my headache started to lift from just smelling the drink. I sipped it—peppermint, honey, and something else that reminded me of lemons, but…not quite. The warm liquid trickled down my throat, soothing the harsh strain from crying and phlegm. I drained the mug and handed it back to Zhan. I was already feeling the slow spread of warmth inside. My stomach began to unknot and while I was still feeling melancholy, I was able to breathe deeply again.
“That works fast.”
“Oh, yes. You’d best go back inside and crawl into your bed. You’ll be asleep before you know it.” Zhan stood, holding the mug. As I joined him, I wished there was something I could offer in return.
I held out my hand. “Thank you. I appreciate your kindness.”
He contemplated my fingers for a moment before taking them. “It’s my pleasure to help, Fury. Now sleep deep, and perhaps things will look brighter in the morning. They often do.”
I wanted to ask how anything like what I had learned could look brighter, daylight or not, but suppressed the urge. Zhan had been kind, and his kindness would allow me to sleep away the shock. Better to just be gracious.
“You’re right. They often do. Good night.” I turned and quietly re-entered the building, taking off my boots by the door. I tiptoed back to my mattress and removed my still-damp socks. Tam and Jason looked to both be sleeping deeply from what I could see, and so I slid back under my covers. Zhan’s drink worked like a charm. Within seconds, I was slumbering softly, and my sleep remained dream-free till morning.
When I opened my eyes the next morning, my body felt deliciously relaxed, until I remembered what I had overheard. I pushed myself to a sitting position and yawned. Greta, who was sleeping on my left, was already up and dressed. She was arranging plates on the table. Jason was nowhere to be seen, but Tam was setting out the food that the hedgemites had brought, and the others were in various stages of getting dressed. I was the last one up.
I was still dressed from my trip outside, so I pulled on socks and my boots, and spent a few moments in the bathroom, tidying up. As I returned to the table, everyone was there and breakfast had started without me.
“These are the best eggs I’ve ever eaten,” Tam said, passing me the platter of scrambled eggs and bacon.
I gave him a thin-lipped smile as I loaded my plate. I still wasn’t sure how I felt about him hiding Jason’s indiscretion from me. Indiscretion, my ass, a voice inside whispered. Jason fucked your mother and pretended to be your father’s friend. That’s a little more than an indiscretion.
“Are you all right?” Tam mouthed at me.
I nodded, shoving a forkful of eggs in my mouth so I couldn’t answer. This was neither the time nor place to discuss what was bound to become one hell of an argument. I jammed a strip of bacon between my teeth and turned away.
We were almost done when the main doors to the hall opened and Zhan, along with two other hedgemites, entered. They stopped at the head of the table.
“Jerako would like to see you when you’re finished with breakfast,” the hedgemite said. “Please, follow me, if you’re ready.”
He waited while we finished and dressed, then led us outside, across the blanket of snow that covered the expanse. We followed the hedgemites for ten minutes until we reached yet another hall, and Zhan opened the door for us. As we entered, I realized that—while it was warm inside—it wasn’t the warmth of our lodgings. But there was a semicircle of chairs. In front, Jerako was sitting on a large stool. He waited patiently while we joined him.
After we were seated, he cleared his throat, sounding a lot like a motor that had tried to turn over one too many times.
“Welcome and I bid you morning. I trust you slept well in our care?” Without waiting for us to answer, he continued. “Hecate told me what has been happening. The Greenlings will guide you safely to the tunnels of the Bonny Fae. But you must know, the plants are waking up. Whatever is going on, and I don’t know the half of it yet, it has prodded Gaia into action. She’s unsettled and moving. She wakes the plant world and calls the Greenlings to stand ready should she choose to act. We are preparing for battle.”
I glanced over at Tam, who looked grave. Elan and Laren also looked wary. Tam had been through the first World Shift—he had seen what Gaia did. The realization that we could be facing something just as drastic made me break into a cold sweat, beading on my forehead. I shivered and moved closer to Greta, who was standing next to me. She absently reached for my hand and I took it. Right now, holding hands felt like a very good idea.
“Then will you go to war against Lyon? Or the Conglomerate?” Tyrell asked.
Jerako shrugged, the great branches of his shoulders heaving with a rustling sound as the holly leaves rubbed against one another. “Whatever Gaia chooses to do, we are her willing servants. And now, gather your things and pack your horses—they will be brought round to you—and we’ll be off to the other side of the island.”
“Our horses must stay here,” Tam said. “Jerako, can you make certain they find a good home? They won’t be able to travel through the tunnels with us, and I don’t want to set them free where the zombies might have a chance to get hold of them.”
“I can and will do as you ask, Lord of UnderBarrow. That you are concerned for their welfare is commendable.” Jerako excused himself. We finished eating and then sorted through what we wanted to take back with us.
“It seems odd, to have come all this way just to return to the city,” Hans said. “But I must admit, I have missed it. The Wild Wood is lovely, but it’s not my home.”
“How about you, Fury? Have you missed the city?” Elan asked.
I nodded, trying to keep my mind on what we were doing. But my thoughts kept returning to what I had learned, and I finally turned to Jason and Tam.
“Before we go, I need to talk to the both of you.” I wasn’t the most discreet person, and if I didn’t confront them now, I knew it would slip out at the wrong place or the wrong time.
“All right, where?”
They followed me as I led them outside into the cold morning air. The snow had stopped and the sky was a brilliant blue. For the first time in a while, the sun had broken through to shine down, casting a brilliant reflection on the carpet of white that covered the Arbortariam.
We stopped near the hall, at the bench where I had rested the night before. I noticed that my upchucked dinner was nowhere in sight. Either it had been covered over or magically turned into fairy dust. I pointed to the bench and they sat down, waiting.
“I’ll come right to the point. I heard you talking last night, after we all went to bed.” I caught Jason’s gaze, holding it. “You fucked my mother? You had an affair with her and you kept it quiet all this time? What I want to know is, should I be calling you Daddy?”
Jason inhaled a sharp breath, holding it for a moment before letting it whistle between his teeth. “Crap.”
“I told you she’d find out,” Tam said, very softly.
I turned on him. “And you, you never told me? I get that you might have some sort of male solidarity with your brother-in-arms, so to speak. A bonding ritual, maybe. But how long were you planning on keeping this a secret? How long were you going to go along with Jason, never letting on that you knew?”
Furious, I paced back and forth, wearing a path in the snow. “I can’t believe that you kept this from me, Jason. I can’t believe you let me reach thirty without ever once admitting that you had been involved with my mother. You betrayed my father and pretended to be friends with him, and that’s bad enough, but…” I paused, narrowing my eyes. “If he really was my father.
I don’t know what to think now.”
Jason held very still before he narrowed his eyes. “My relationships with other women are not—and never were—your business.”
“They are if the other woman is my mother. Was my mother. They are if there’s the slightest chance I could be carrying your blood in my veins!” I had passed the point of caring what I said. I flailed, feeling out of control. “You knew I had a crush on you all those years—how could you let me continue feeling the way I thought I felt when…when…” I froze as a ball of flame appeared in my hand. It was brilliant and crackling. Instinctively, I knew that I could do one hell of a lot of damage with it if I were to direct it toward someone.
Jason froze, staring at the magical fire. Tam stiffened and stood.
“Love, chill the fire. Come on, you don’t want to do that.” He held out one hand, catching my gaze.
While I did want to lob the ball of flame directly at Jason, I knew it was my anger speaking and not my heart. I stared at Tam, and the fire slowly began to die. It fizzled out after a moment. My hand was still tingling as I wiped my palm on my jeans.
“Tell me one thing. Are you my father?”
Jason hung his head. “No, I’m not. Do you want to hear the whole story?”
I shook my head. “I can’t even talk to you right now. We’ll work together since what we’re facing requires it. But for now? I don’t want to hear an unnecessary word. I don’t want to chat with you, talk with you, or even be in the same room with you. When the business with the zombies is done, we’re finished.” I turned to Tam. “Never lie to me again. I realize that you may have promised Jason to keep this a secret, but if you ever hold anything like this from me again, then we’re done too.”
And with that, I headed back inside.
The Greenling was true to his word. Jerako led us across the island to the southern tip, which took us until two p.m. I walked beside Elan, who seemed to understand my need for silence. Jason was walking near the back, and Tam not far behind me. I didn’t say a word to either one as we crossed the wide swath of snow-covered grass.