She went on to talk about how people weren’t free to speak the truth if there were people over them who didn’t want to hear that truth. She even talked about her own family and how some of them had been killed and some had just disappeared.
“We don’t know what happened to them,” Ashley said. “They were taken away in the middle of the night and we never heard from them again. This is why my people think that if we are ever invaded again we must go to war or forever be slaves.”
That was strong and I was ready to go to war already.
The other team’s debater came back with some fuzzy idea about how the possibility of war against Ashley’s people made people think about it in the first place.
“If everyone in the world condemned war, if there was no glory to conquering another people, then we would not support leaders who would seek war as a solution to international problems.”
The dude went on about how war was a global mentality kind of thing and we had to change that mentality. To me it was the same old same old. Bobbi was up for us next, but Phat Tony wanted to go and Bobbi let him. I thought it was a mistake because Phat Tony is dumb — in a smart kind of way — but dumb.
“My name is Tony and I ain’t no phony and they call me Phat because I’ll give you a fat lip, a fat jaw, and a fat head when I be beating your brains out and spreading them across the street so the pigeons can eat, and when I turn your head inside out and you hear all the people shout that the inside of your head all bloody and red looks like a Domino pizza with extra ketchup and all those little black things ain’t olives but little pieces of my black past which have caught up to you and now you ain’t nothing but a memory of what used to be and as you lay down dying with your nose on the cold cement with your head busted open and your body bent in ways you didn’t even know it could fold and you realize for the first time that the world belongs to the strong and proud and not to the can’t-we-all-just-get-along crowd and as your miserable life comes to a cease the only thing that’ll come into your mind is later for peace! ’Nuff said!”
Mr. Siegfried was mad. He turned red and gave Phat Tony a look that would have killed a lot of kids. But that wasn’t the worst thing that happened. The worst thing that happened was that Bobbi got the giggles and couldn’t stop, and even Kelly put her head down and smiled. I decided to be good and stay above the whole thing but then I saw Phat Tony mean-mugging the kids from Jersey City and that was funny, but then Bobbi tried mean-mugging them, too.
Bobbi is barely five feet tall and her eyes are too squinty to mean-mug anybody. If she tries to mean-mug you she looks as if she’s got her eyes completely closed.
The rest of the debate was stupid, just the way I thought it was going to be, and when it was time for us to go and we were supposed to shake hands with our hosts they didn’t look us in the face.
The three judges all picked the Jersey charter school as the winner.
“I have never been so embarrassed by a group of students in my entire life!” Mr. Siegfried was saying as we passed through the Holland Tunnel. “You did not represent Da Vinci well, you did not represent New York City well, and you did not represent yourselves well.”
Nothing we could say, really. We were busted, guilty, doing the perp ride back to Harlem, and we were just waiting for our sentences. I came up with an idea I thought would save the day.
“Mr. Siegfried, we were just trying to show how wars developed when people refuse to debate stuff,” I said.
“Zander, shut up!”
I dug where he was coming from. For a while. Until exactly six-fifteen when I was checking out “What did the fish represent in Ernest Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea?” and Mom banged on the door, opened it before I could say anything (again!), and announced that Mr. Lord was on a cable channel.
I went in to check it out and saw Lord wearing a shiny suit and a little African hat standing next to one of the ladies from the Virginia Woolf Society.
“Turn up the sound!” I said, looking around for the remote. Mom had it and turned up the volume.
“So I went to Mrs. Brownstein from the Virginia Woolf Society and asked her for her support not just for a few gifted children, but for our entire community!” Lord was saying. “And she has graciously agreed to expand their level of support to include as wide a range of programs as possible.”
“Yes.” Mrs. Brownstein looked a little nervous. “I did speak to Mr. Gourd this morning —”
“That’s Lord.”
“Yes, of course.” Mrs. Brownstein moved her head away from Mr. Lord as she spoke. “And he agrees with the changes we have proposed to St. Francis.”
“This is a result not just of my efforts, but the efforts of a community that has stepped forward!” Lord went on.
“That dirty —”
“Watch your language!” Mom put her hands over her ears.
Besides me, only Kambui had seen the interview, but by the next day we were all talking about it in school.
Bobbi said we should send an op-ed piece to the Amsterdam News exposing the truth.
Kambui said that we should picket Mr. Lord’s office on 138th Street.
“I don’t care what he says,” LaShonda said. “St. Francis is really happy with me and Chris because they’re going to get some additional funding from the Virginia Woolf people and they got this guy who’s going to work part-time for them — for free — to help them raise more funds. If nothing else happens, me and Chris will be able to stay together until I get a job and get my own place.”
“Amen to that,” I said.
The question we were debating in Jersey City was if war was ever necessary. Lord seemed to think so. And he could make himself a winner even if he lost. Which he did. The Cruisers beat him fair and square but he turned it around to make it look like he was a winner.
It’s hard to tell who wins sometimes. Phat Tony thought he won in Jersey City even though our team lost. I thought the Cruisers had beat down Mr. Lord but he was declaring himself the winner.
LaShonda won in a way and in another way she didn’t win because her situation was still bad. It just didn’t get any worse and I guess that can be a win sometimes.
Mom won when we made the duck thing but when we were sitting around the table it wasn’t our true family, just a made-up family of the Santanas, the Cruisers, Chris, Mrs. Owens, and Mrs. Askew. But it was something she could say to my father that we did together and that was something. Maybe that’s what life was all about, finding something to say was a win.
We go to a movie. Right in the middle of the movie she reaches over and takes my hand. I pull away. Then she leans against me. I move away. I remembered that the last time we went out she came back to school and said I was all over her, so this time I wasn’t even going to get close.
Then she got near me and tried to kiss me on the cheek. I got away faster this time.
“Zhade said you were scared of girls,” Caren whispered into the side of my face.
Then she kept making like she was laughing but covering it up with her hand so I wouldn’t notice. Only I had to notice because she kept doing it.
I said I had to go to the bathroom. I went and texted Kambui and told him what was going down.
What should I do?
Man up!
What was that supposed to mean?
I texted LaShonda.
Kiss her!
Typical girl response.
I texted Bobbi.
Kiss her, Zander. I got your back!
I went back to my seat. I put my arm around Caren and when she looked up at me I went to kiss her. She turned away at the last moment and I kissed the back of her head.
I had the definite feeling that I had just lost big-time. But it was a nice kind of feeling.
ACT SIX
By Zander Scott
Romeo
Zander Scott
Juliet
Bobbi McCall
Iago
Cody Weinstein
Othello
Kambui Owens
Hamlet
Demetrius Brown
Scene: a small office in Midtown Manhattan. DR. IAGO WILLIAMS sits behind an ornate wooden desk. On either side of the desk sit ROMEO and JULIET.
IAGO
So, what brings you to marriage counseling? Perhaps you can begin, Miss …?
JULIET
Montague, Juliet Montague. To put it mildly, we’ve grown apart. I mean, really, really, REALLY apart. Romeo hasn’t had a job in years, and —
ROMEO
Neither have you, baby! We get by because my family has a little money. Don’t leave that part out.
JULIET
Money wouldn’t make my life any better, Romeo. I am bored out of my mind! Out of my mind! All that he does is to come home at all hours in the morning, sleep until noon, and then get up in time for lunch and his stupid video games.
IAGO
But besides being bored, Juliet, I need to know your inner feelings toward your husband.
JULIET
I see this man and his potbelly in the morning, I see him in the afternoon. I watch television in the evenings BECAUSE I’M HOME BY MYSELF! And then the whole thing starts over again the next day. I can’t remember the last time we went out to dinner. He acts as if he doesn’t even know that I exist.
ROMEO
I’m a free spirit. You used to like that in me. You thought it was romantic when I stayed out all night. I remember the first night I climbed up on your balcony. Do you know what time it was? Two o’clock in the morning. You nearly swooned.
JULIET
You couldn’t even climb up a fire escape these days. You’re so out of shape you’re sagging in places some people don’t even have places! And he dresses like a slob. Tights? At his age?
IAGO
I’m hearing anger, but I’m not hearing communication. Have you tried sitting down and talking to each other?
ROMEO
She won’t listen.
JULIET
Try me!
ROMEO
Okay, so what I’m trying to say is that I haven’t changed over the years. I’m still the same happy-go-lucky guy I always was. Happy-go-lucky but ready to give my life for the girl I love.
JULIET
The girl you loved has grown into the woman who is tired of you, Romeo. Look, read my lips. I am very much exhausted with the idea of being married to a juvenile delinquent.
IAGO
Well, you know, some marriages just don’t work out. I mean, I would hate to see the two of you break up. To me marriage is sacred … precious … divine … blah, blah, blah. But there must be happiness within the home. And there must be a meeting not only of the hearts, but the minds as well. Look, I’m going to leave the room and I want you both to pour out your hearts to each other. Say everything you’ve been holding back.
IAGO stands and exits right. JULIET glances over at ROMEO, then rolls her eyes upward.
ROMEO
Look, Juliet. I don’t want to be just another statistic. Last year, 14,000 people got divorced, leaving 23,000 children in broken homes!
JULIET
We don’t have children.
ROMEO
We could buy a dog.
JULIET
So I can walk him and pick up his poop? That’s what I’m being reduced to? A pooper-scooper?
ROMEO
Shouldn’t we be talking about our problems, not just yours? You being bored is not a problem for me. I didn’t even mention the fact that you’re fat because —
JULIET
I’m fat? I’m fat? I thought you didn’t even care about how I looked. What happened to all of that stuff about me shining like a diamond in the ear of some black dude? How about me being lovelier than the moon? Now I’m fat? You don’t take me out, all I do is sit around the house all day, and the one thing I have going on (begins to cry), the one thing I have going on is a few tidbits in the afternoon.
ROMEO
Bowling! You want to go bowling?
JULIET
The romance of it overwhelms me. A bowling alley reeking with the stink of beer. I wear a pair of sweaty rented shoes over the sticky floor, throw a ball down the alley, and all of a sudden my whole life is reset?
ROMEO
No, we do it in the comfort of our own living room. I can get the video game tomorrow. We hook ourselves up and we control the whole game. You see what I mean?
JULIET
Let’s call Dr. Iago back in here. Some marriages need to be broken up, and I think this is one of them.
ROMEO
So you’re saying, once and for all, that you don’t love me?
JULIET
Love I’m not sure about. What I am sure about is that I can’t stand you!
ROMEO
Tell me, is there someone else?
JULIET
Like who?
ROMEO
I don’t know, but I can’t see how you can just walk away from what we had. I mean, mostly (profiles), me!
JULIET
My family was right. I should have listened to them. You Montagues don’t have a clue.
Enter IAGO.
IAGO
So, how are we doing?
ROMEO
Uh, not so good. But we’re working on it. She’s learning to communicate.
JULIET
I’m learning? You are such a —
IAGO (quickly)
We have to remember that not all marriages are made in heaven. Sometimes … well, sometimes we need to consider other options. Especially when it’s clear that the woman couldn’t possibly love the man involved.
ROMEO
Couldn’t possibly?
JULIET
That’s a little strong, isn’t it, Iago?
IAGO
Romeo, you have loved wisely, but far too well. For love is a smoke made with the fume of sighs that lead us all to hell.
ROMEO
I see what you mean.
JULIET
You can’t be saying there’s no hope for us? I mean, aren’t you supposed to be saving marriages?
IAGO
Well … yeah, okay. Look. As we’ve agreed, I’ve invited some of your friends over, the ones you’ve already been talking to about your marriage, to ask their opinions. I’ll send them in.
ROMEO
Oh, okay.
JULIET
I’m sure that … well, okay.
IAGO leaves.
Enter HAMLET.
JULIET
Oh, great. Hamlet, the king of gloom himself.
HAMLET (gloomily)
Hi, Julie. Hi, Rommy.
JULIET
Hamlet, it’s Juliet and Romeo. Not Julie and Rommy. Do we call you Ham?
ROMEO
Yo, sit down, my man. What’s up?
HAMLET
I got a new job, I’m selling condos now.
JULIET
In this market? You working on commission?
HAMLET
Yeah, kind of. I get one percent of the final sale or two percent, whichever is higher. It’s pretty tricky. Math, percentages, that kind of thing.
ROMEO
Remember I told you what the marriage counselor said about asking our friends if our marriage can be saved?
HAMLET
Well, if you still think she’s a fat pig and kind of stupid, then I —
JULIET
A fat pig? Kind of stupid!?
ROMEO
No, no, I didn’t mean any of that. I just said it that time you locked me out. It wasn’t personal.
JULIET
Not personal? When you call your wife a fat pig it’s personal, Romeo friggin’ Montague!
HAMLET
If you broke up you could buy two separate condos. As it turns out, I only have two left. A studio on the ground floor, apartment 1A, and a two-bedroom luxury suite on the second floor with a built-in spa. Apartment 2B, just right for whoever gets the bigger settlemen
t.
ROMEO
So you’re thinking we should actually break up? After all these years?
HAMLET
Unless you want to share the luxury suite. It’s got two bedrooms, so if you still hate the way she snores you could just —
JULIET
Hate the way I snore!? You told Hamlet about what goes on in our bedroom?
ROMEO
Words, words, mere words. All I know is that heaven is here, where Juliet lives.
JULIET
O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo? Sometimes I look at you with such delight, but sometimes you’re as fickle as a candle wavering in the night.
Then there’s a knock and enter OTHELLO.
OTHELLO
Hey! What it is! Am I late?
JULIET
Othello Jones. Oh, my God! It’s been so long!
OTHELLO
When I heard you needed me I dropped everything and came running. Feast your eyes, darling. It’s me, Othello Jones, the OJ man himself at your service.
ROMEO
Who is this Othello guy?