"I was just at the Headmaster's office," I said and floated towards my dresser with my file in my hand. I wanted to put it back.
Mick turned and looked at me. "Why were you with Salathiel?"
I lifted my file and showed it to Mick. "I wanted to talk to him about the missing pages in my book."
Mick froze, and then he floated towards me. "I told you I'd help you with that. There is no need to bother Salathiel with that. Why are you spending time on that now when you are recovering? You need rest. Flying to Earth with Abhik certainly didn't help your recovery, you look more tired than ever, and now this? Now you want to spend energy on that stupid file? When are you going to focus on what's important?"
Mick floated close to me and grabbed me around my waist. Then he pulled me closer and kissed me. "This is what is important. This. Us. You and me. Nothing else."
I smiled and kissed him back. "I know," I said. "You, me and the baby."
Mick lowered his eyes, and then pulled away. I studied his reaction. What was it with him every time I brought up the baby all of a sudden? I didn't understand it. I knew he wanted to be a father. I knew he had wanted it all of his life. I knew he was looking forward to it, but lately it was like he didn't even want me mentioning it. Could it be because he was scared of the way it would change our lives, like Abhik had said? Or was he afraid it was going to pull me further away from him?
"What did he say?" Mick said when he reached the window. He was looking out and not facing me when he spoke.
"What did who say?"
"Salathiel. What did he say about your files?" Mick said.
I looked down at the folder, and then put it back in the drawer. "He thinks I might have chosen to block out certain events in my life since they were too hard for me to remember. It makes sense, I guess. I mean all about my dad's burst appendix and him almost dying is gone. The only thing I remember is sitting on my knees and praying. And all the stuff you told me of course, but somehow I can't picture it in my mind. It's like my brain is still blocking it out. I guess I need to wait till it comes back to me and maybe prepare myself for something really bad. I just can't figure out what could possibly be so bad I would choose to block it out of my memory? As far as I know I had a wonderful childhood and I loved my parents. They definitely didn't do anything to me. That much I know." I paused and looked at Mick. He had turned and was now facing me. He was smiling. "I'm rambling. I know it," I said. "I'm sorry."
"No. No, I love listening to you ramble on." Mick flew closer and reached out his hands. He grabbed my head and held it between them while he looked at me. It made me warm inside. I loved it when he looked at me like that. Like he was proud of me, like he loved me more than anything. I smiled.
"I'm sorry I am such a mess," I said.
"You are a mess, but you're my mess," he said and kissed me again. "I'm glad we finally solved the mystery about the missing memories. Now we can focus on us."
Later that day when Mick went out again I sat on my bed reading my baby books. I had read most of them and it didn't take long till I began to feel bored. I felt like I was well enough prepared by now for the birth and the baby, as well as anyone can for such a big thing, I guess. So I put down my book and floated towards the window to look out. I sat in the windowsill and stared down into the Butterfly Garden. How I missed going there and watching the butterflies twirling around over my head. Above the castle students were practicing their flying and sitting on clouds. They were tumbling around, tripping over each other and landing on clouds. They were laughing and rolling around. I remembered the feeling of freedom from my first year, that feeling when I just learned how to master the basics to flying. I thought about Abhik and how he had always been such a wonderful friend to me. I missed surfing on clouds with him and I wondered if I would ever feel that kind of freedom again?
The thought made me pull away from the window towards my dresser. I opened the drawer and took out the mirror I had gotten from Mick on our wedding day. I looked in it and couldn't believe what I saw. Mick was right, I thought with a gasp. I looked horrible. Like I was completely worn out. I reached up and touched my cheeks. I didn't understand this at all. I had been told that our bodies and appearances didn't change. How come mine did? Was it because of the pregnancy? My cheeks were sunken, my eyes were reddish and I looked exhausted. Maybe it had been too much after all? Maybe I had taken on too much?
"Are you there?" I whispered as to see if I could get my reflection to talk to me again. I felt bad about myself. I hated that I was looking like this, I hated that I was such an emotional mess. I had been so unstable lately, I thought. I couldn't get my thoughts straightened out properly. It was all just in there, one big chaos and confusion. I had no idea if I trusted Mick enough to stay with him, or if I even had the courage to leave? Would he ever leave me alone if I did? I knew he'd pursue me persistently. I knew he wouldn't let me go easily. Did I want the fight? Was it worth it? And what if I stayed? Would I just get the life that Abhik's sister had? Would I be able to live with a man that constantly wanted to know where I was and who I was with? Would he be able to control his anger and jealousy?
"I'm here," sang the voice from the mirror.
I smiled. There was something so alluring about talking to myself in this way that I truly enjoyed. It was like talking to your own conscience. It hurt a bit, but at least you got the truth.
"Ugh," she exclaimed and made a grimace. "What did you do to us?" She leaned over and studied me closer. "We look absolutely horrifying."
I chuckled. "I know. I have no idea how it happened. I guess I have been doing too much when I needed to rest instead."
"Please stop everything you're doing. You're ruining our good looks. And you're pushing Mick further away."
"You think so?" I asked knowing the answer.
"It's like you want him to get mad at you," she said. "It's like you do it deliberately to hurt him. Going off with Abhik when he had just caught you two in a very intimate hug. No wonder Mick is scared. You have to take your history into consideration. He almost lost you to Jason, remember? He is constantly afraid that you will run off with somebody else, and you know perfectly well why he feels that way."
I swallowed hard and looked at my reflection while she spoke. I felt a huge pinch in my stomach.
"Because you don't love him the way you're supposed to, the way he loves you. You don't love him as much as you love Jason."
On that remark I took the mirror and threw it back in the dresser with the intent to never pick it up again.
CHAPTER 24
I WENT TO see Abhik later that day hoping he could cheer me up. Mick still hadn't come back and I was planning on not telling him where I had been when he asked. I had already prepared a lie. I was going to tell him I had been at the library. Maybe he wouldn't even know I'd been gone since I was only planning on a brief visit. I needed desperately to talk to someone. I felt bad for actually planning on lying to Mick, but I didn't want to fight anymore. I couldn't stand anymore accusations. What would a small lie hurt anybody?
Abhik wasn't in the guest chambers. I found him at the stables about to take one of the Pegasus’s out for a ride.
"Do you want to come with me?" he asked when he saw me.
"I'd love to, but I don't think it's such a good idea," I said and looked over my shoulder to make sure that no one was watching us that would tell Mick where I was.
Abhik exhaled deeply. "And so it begins," he said brushing harder on the Pegasus' back.
"What begins?"
"The lying. The sneaking around. Mick doesn't know you're here, does he?"
"Well no, but ..."
"And you weren't planning on telling him either."
I exhaled, annoyed. "Okay, so what if I wasn't. You know what? I am sick and tired of people telling me I do everything wrong. I am sorry about your sister, but I'm nothing like her. Mick and I are happy and in love and we will work out whatever little differences we might have and be perfectly happ
y. No marriage is without bumps and problems and whatever. I actually came here to get in a better mood, to hang out with my friend and maybe feel encouraged but you insist on pulling me down."
Abhik bowed his head. He floated to the other side of the Pegasus and came close to me.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'll get off your back. There, did you feel that? That was me getting off your back. Feel any lighter?"
I laughed, and then messed his wild thick hair up with my hand. "Come here, you," I said and pulled him closer. Then I hugged him. He hugged me back. I held him tight for long while fighting my tears. I felt like breaking down and just let it all out. Abhik looked at me. "What's going on, Meghan?"
I shook my head while fighting the urge to cry. "Nothing. I'm fine. I'm just such a mess. I keep messing everything up. I should be resting. I know I look terrible." I pulled away from Abhik and hid my face in my hands.
Abhik chuckled and approached me again. He put his arm around my shoulder. "No. Sweetie, you're just pregnant. The hormones, the emotions, it's all perfectly normal."
"I have no idea where Mick and I are heading. I keep telling myself it'll be better but then I keep doing things to him that make him mad. Like this morning when I forgot to tell him that I went to Salathiel's office, so when he got back he was afraid something had happened to me, something horrible. And now this? I went to see you when I knew he was going to be angry. I even planned to lie to him; you were so right about that. What's going on with me? Why can't I just behave nicely and lovingly towards my husband? Is that really too much to ask? Am I doing this because I want to sabotage the marriage? Do I want to ruin everything for myself, because I finally have something good?"
Abhik exhaled through his teeth. "Wow, that was a lot at once," he said.
"I know it's too much. I'm asking too much of you. You should be in Heaven dating Mai and having fun, not hanging out down here with all my mess. It might never get better, you know? Maybe this is just who I am? Maybe it'll never change? You'll only wear yourself out trying to help me and be there for me. Maybe you should just give up now."
Abhik laughed. Then he shook his head. The Pegasus neighed behind us. "Oh no you don't!" Abhik exclaimed. "You don't get to throw me out of your life like that. I'm here to stay and there is nothing you can do about it."
I looked into his brown eyes. Then I hugged him again.
"Thank you," I whispered. "Thank you for being my friend."
"You're welcome," he said. He wiped away a tear that had escaped the corner of my eye. "Now tell me," he continued. "Tell me what Salathiel said."
"About the file and the missing pages?" I asked.
"I suspect that was why you went to him?"
I chuckled lightly. "Of course. Well, he told me that I might have blocked out the memories because they were too hard, too traumatic for me to remember. My brain had decided to protect me and therefore chosen to displace it."
"Bull ..." he answered.
I was shocked to put it mildly. Abhik never spoke like that. Mild, sweet Abhik what had gotten in to him? "What do you mean?" I asked.
"I don't think he's right. I have blocked out memories myself, episodes missing in my file, from when I was told I wasn't going to survive the cancer, but they are different than yours. I have seen Mai's as well, she has some big ones, but none of ours look like yours. Ours are white blank pages waiting to be written, so to speak. It's like the book is waiting for me to fill them out eventually. Yours are black, nothing new can be written on them. They're gone."
I stared at him startled. "So what are you saying?"
"I'm saying that I'm certain something happened to these pages. They were there and something or someone removed their content. They were erased."
"Well, you don't know that for sure. Maybe mine are just different than yours. No two files are alike," I argued even if my words didn't even convince myself.
"You keep telling yourself that, but I have decided to stay here until I have helped you find out what happened to them." Abhik looked me in the eyes. "I will figure it out, with or without your help."
CHAPTER 25
I HURRIED BACK to the chambers after seeing Abhik off on the back of the Pegasus. I was confused and didn't quite know what to believe anymore. I realized I cared less about my pages than earlier and decided to leave it alone. I was also slightly angry with Abhik. He had managed to really hurt me with his words about me and Mick. He was a good friend, but what did he know about mine and Mick's relationship? He kept comparing it to his sister's situation when it was nothing like it. I didn't care much for that. It felt sometimes like he wanted us to fight, like he wanted us to split up. I couldn't blame him with his sister's story and everything, but the truth was that my situation was completely different. He just didn't want to see it. He refused to see it otherwise. Slowly I realized that this could in fact end up costing us our friendship. Either that or my marriage. I was afraid I couldn't have both.
Mick still hadn't gotten back I was relieved to realize, so I hurried to bed and began my resting. I didn't feel tired but a quick look in the small mirror told me I really needed to take this seriously now. It had gotten worse. How was that even possible during this short period of time? Had my nose grown as well? Or had it always been that big? I wondered while studying myself. I looked fat, even if my face was worn and my cheeks sunken. I hardly recognized myself anymore. Had I always looked like this?
"There you go again," the reflection said. "Looking even worse than earlier, huh? You're ruining yourself. You'll end up repelling Mick."
"Mick loves me. He doesn't care what I look like," I answered.
"Is that so? Well then you're the lucky one, I guess."
I sighed feeling insecure about myself and my appearance. I really didn't want anyone to see me like this. Maybe I should just stay in the chambers until the baby was born. I would surely get to look like myself again afterwards, right? At least I knew I would get to choose what I wanted to look like once I entered Heaven. Then I could choose to look like I had before I died when I was still beautiful. Or maybe I could even choose to look like someone else? Like someone beautiful? Maybe I could change everything?
"I'm hideous," I said and touched the mirror. "Everything is wrong about me. Everything," I said. "I look wrong, I feel wrong, I even do everything wrong. I mess everything up. Arrgh!" I screamed. I threw the mirror on the table and decided to stay in my room for the rest of the day.
Mick didn't come back until after dinner. When he oozed through the door I was trying to fix myself my own dinner as usual, but something kept going wrong. Every time I rubbed my hands together and tried to make food appear I would get only rotten apples. I kept trying and trying and ended up with a huge pile of rotten apples that I threw out the window. I felt terrible when he came towards me. I couldn't get anything right anymore, all the magic was gone. I felt useless.
I looked up at Mick as he came towards me with a smile. "How was your day?" he asked after he had kissed me. I was always happy when he started out with a kiss because then I knew he was in a good mood. Good mood meant we could have a nice evening together.
"Horrible," I said. "I haven't had anything to eat because all I get out is rotten fruit. I can't do anything these days and I feel and look terrible."
Mick grabbed my hand and held it tight. "You're wonderful in my eyes," he said. He kissed the top of my hand, and then caressed my cheek. "Not only do I think you are wonderful, I also think you look wonderful."
"Don't lie to me," I said and pushed him playfully.
"Okay, so you do look a little tired, I admit to that," he said. "But it's because you don't give yourself the rest you need. You spent all afternoon in bed, right?"
I bit my lip while decided fast what to answer to that. Then I nodded.
"Well, then you should feel better and look much better in the morning, just wait and see." Mick removed a hair from my forehead and placed it behind my ear. "Besides it doesn't matter. I love you the w
ay you are."
"I know you do. I just want to make you proud of me. I love it when you look at me like you're proud to be with me. I don't want to lose that."
Mick leaned over and kissed me. "I'll always be proud of you," he said. "Besides no one needs to see you, if you don't want to. You can stay inside and we'll just be the two of us. Who else do we really need? When it's only the two of us, we have no trouble, no problems, and no cause for feeling jealous. People outside just want to hurt us. They're jealous of us and what we have. They'll do anything to have the same and if they can't they get jealous and try to take it from us. So they try to destroy us by coming between us. It's our job to not let that happen. Don't let them come between us, Meghan. Stay in here with me and we'll be happy. That's the way I like it best. I know it'll make you feel better too. Just give it a try."
I nodded thinking about Abhik and how I had felt like he wanted to come between me and Mick, how every time I had spoken with him, it felt like he wanted to change the way I saw Mick, like he wanted me to think bad about my husband. No matter what it was, it did my marriage no good. It only poisoned me against Mick. So maybe Mick was right when he told me we should be careful with letting people come between us. I decided it couldn't hurt to try and do as he told me.
Weeks passed but nothing seemed to change in my state of mind. On the contrary I kept feeling worse for every day that passed. I became more and more insecure about myself and hardly ever left the room. I didn't want anyone to look at me and I was afraid of making Mick mad by not resting like he wanted me to. I stayed away from Abhik since I didn't like the fact that I had lied to Mick and certainly didn't want to have to do it again. I was afraid of Mick's anger if he found out. Abhik didn't come to me either all those weeks. I knew he was still at the school, so I guessed it was because he was afraid of causing trouble for me. I saw him now and then from the window floating towards the stables to go for a ride.