Abhik found a couple more and stared at them. Then he looked up at me. "What do you make of this?" he asked. "What do you think happened to those pages?"
"That's what I wanted you to help me find out."
Abhik looked down at the pages again then shook his head. "I don't know if I'm the right person for this. Have you shown it to Mick?"
"Yes," I said and sat next to Abhik on the bed. "I showed him when I got the book on graduation day. He said he wanted to help me find it, but we haven't spoken about it since. Every time I bring it up he tells me we'll look into it later. There has been a lot with the wedding and all, so I haven't mentioned it in a long time. I will do it today, if he is in a better mood when he gets back. But I could use more help, if you have the time for it, and if you're up for it. Mick is busy since he still works in the kitchen and I have to rest for at least a couple of days more."
Abhik looked at the pages and flipped a couple of black ones. "A lot is missing," he said.
"I made a list of all the dates," I said and pulled out a piece of paper from the back of the book. I handed it to Abhik.
"As you can see it begins when I'm five and after that it is quite often. A lot of days in a row. Then there is a break and almost a year passes, but then several days are missing and then six months passes before a day is missing again and then six months again and a day is missing. It continues like that until I'm fifteen. After that it becomes much more often. Three months before I turn sixteen that's when it all goes blank. Everything is gone completely."
Abhik nodded and studied the dates closer.
"But that's not the only thing," I continued. "I have been going through my memories so many times and have noticed that every now and then there are minor black holes in it. Like if it was a real book and entire words or sentences and even paragraphs had been taken out and destroyed the meaning of it so it doesn't make sense anymore."
"I don't think I understand," Abhik said.
"It's almost everywhere," I said and opened a page that wasn't black. "Like here, I'm sitting on a swing. I'm seven years old and thinking about something, but it doesn't make sense. It's like something has been taken out of it."
"Isn't that just the disrupted thoughts of a seven-year old?" Abhik asked.
"I thought so too, but as you see on the next page the rest of the thoughts are perfect enough. Here I'm thinking about some friend called Grace in school and that makes perfect sense."
"So what do you think is missing in the other scene?" Abhik asked and flipped the page back to me on the swing.
I stared at my childhood picture. "If only I knew. It's like someone censured it, as if there is something in here that I am not supposed to know about now."
Abhik nodded. "I hear what you're saying. Maybe you should talk to Salathiel about it. Maybe there is a reason for it? Maybe they censured it to protect you from something? I can't believe you haven't told anyone yet. Why haven't you already spoken to him about it?"
"Well, I don't know. I guess I thought he had more important things to do. Mick told me the Angels were very busy in the summer and they were gone from the school most of the time. He told me to focus on the wedding instead."
"Okay, but you are going to do it, right?"
"That was my plan. But then the whole black-hole incident happened and now I've been stuck in here."
"Go to him when you feel better," Abhik said.
"I will."
"Until then I could go and look at the library and see if there is anything in the books about it. I could find out if it has happened before." Abhik paused. "You don't think that it might have been stolen, do you? That someone might have taken it?"
"I don't want to think that, but the thought has crossed my mind several times."
Abhik looked pensively. "Someone was definitely out to get you during your second year here and they never found who let Adrian out, right?"
I shook my head. "Azazel was out to get me back then and he might still be. I just don't know why he would pick me of all people?"
Abhik lifted the book in his hands. "Maybe the answers are in the black pages?"
I inhaled sharply at the very thought. "Maybe," I said and took the book out of Abhik's hands. The weight of my short life felt heavy in them.
CHAPTER 16
ABHIK WAS ABOUT to leave when Mick came through the door. I was still hugging him as I heard Mick's voice behind me. I gasped and let go of Abhik forcefully.
"And exactly what is going on here?" Mick asked.
I shook my head and tried to not look as guilty as I felt. "Nothing Mick. Abhik was just visiting. He just wanted to see how I was doing."
Mick nodded with a malicious smile. "Well, now he has seen that you are sick. Weak and feeble and that you need your rest and quiet time. I already told him so yesterday."
"I'm not that sick, Mick. I'm feeling much better," I argued.
Mick threw me a look that could kill.
"Okay. So you're all fine and dandy. Why don't we have all the school up here while you're at it? Why don't you invite all the men in this school to come up so you can be intimate with them while I'm away for ... how long have I been gone. An hour? And already you're ... in the hands of one of your old boyfriends. Are there more of them on their way up here?"
"Mick. You're being unreasonable. You know Abhik and I are ..."
I felt Abhik's hand on my shoulder.
"I should go," he said.
"Yes you should," Mick said. "And by the way when someone tells you that his wife is sick and can't have visitors then you should listen the next time. Look at how you've clearly upset her. I hope you feel good about yourself."
Abhik turned and faced Mick. For a second I was afraid they would start fighting. Knowing Abhik for many years it was the first time I saw him this close to losing his temper. He was the calmest man I had ever known, but right now Mick had managed to do the impossible. He had made him angry.
"You listen to me," Abhik said still controlling himself, but only barely. "I love Meghan as a friend and I will visit her as often as she wants me to. If she tells me I can't then - and only then - will I stay away. Do you get that?"
Mick didn't answer. He stared back at Abhik who now turned to me and looked into my eyes. "Are you alright, Meghan?"
I swallowed hard, then nodded knowing Mick would be devastated if I told the truth that right now I didn't feel alright, right now I feared what would come after Abhik had left us, I feared what accusations I would have to face, but I also knew this was my mess, this was my marriage and I was the only one who could deal with it. I felt Mick's arm on my shoulder and froze at his touch. I swallowed hard, and then spoke:
"I'll be fine," I said with slightly shivering voice. "I'll be just fine. Just go. Just leave. I'll see you soon. I'm fine. I really am. It's just the hormones, you know the pregnancy. It'll get better soon. Mick is right. I am tired. I really do need to rest."
Abhik's brown eyes stared into mine for long, searching, like he was scanning to see if I was telling the truth. His eyes left mine and he turned his back at us. Just before he left he turned and looked at me again. "I'm very close if you need me," he said.
"I know," I nodded.
He gave me one of his beautiful reassuring smiles. Then he left.
"So what was that all about?" Mick asked when Abhik was gone.
I took in a deep breath, bracing myself for yet another fight. I wasn't sure I even cared anymore.
"Can't you even answer me?" Mick asked.
I felt exhausted. "Abhik just came to visit," I groaned. "You didn't have to treat him like that. We were saying goodbye."
Mick threw his hands in the air. "Well excuse me if I feel a little protective of my wife. I almost lost you just a few days ago, remember? And what about our wedding party when you were all over that boy again, all over this Jason guy. And what about Abhik? Don't tell me you were just friends. You looked at little too friendly a moment ago to me." Mick snorted. "I don't wa
nt you to see him anymore. Are you listening to me? I don't want him here, near you again. What have you been doing with him all these years at the school? Did you fool around with him as well? Are you really that cheap? Don't you have any dignity? Do I really need to keep being humiliated by your past?"
I shook my head in disbelief. "I don't have to listen to this," I said.
I started flying towards the door with the intent to leave, but Mick grabbed my arm firmly and pulled me back. "Don't you leave me like this," he said his voice shaking heavily. "Don't you dare leave me here you ... you ... you little ..."
"What? Mick. You little ... what? Whore? Was that the word you were looking for? Was that it?” I said while tears were streaming down my cheeks. "Say it. Cause that's how you see me, right?"
Mick exploded. "How else should I see you when you act like you do!?” He roared.
I swallowed hard and shrunk at the sound of his voice. Then he lifted his hand and slapped me across my face.
CHAPTER 17
IT DIDN'T HURT on the outside as much as it did on the inside. I was blown backwards by the slap and hit the wall. Mick stared at me in shock, then at his hand. Realizing what he had done his facial expression changed drastically. He raced towards me.
"I'm sorry, Meghan. I'm so so, so sorry ..."
I held a hand to my face. His slap had left a mark, which was healing slowly. Mick reached out for me, but I moved.
"Don't ..." I snarled. "Don't you touch me!"
"I'm sorry," he repeated. "I don't know what came over me. I never meant to hurt you. You have to know that. You have to believe me."
I looked at him fighting hard the desire to hit him back. I shook my head.
"Please, Meghan. Please forgive me." Desperately he reached out again and tried to grab my hand.
I kept shaking my head. "I have heard this so many times before."
"But. But. Meghan. Come on. Give us a chance. We're newlyweds. We are having a child together. We are meant to be, we're supposed to be."
"Then why do you keep doing these things to me?" I asked.
"You make me do them." Mick fell to his knees crying. "I just love you so much, Meghan. I get so jealous. I get sick with jealousy when you're with someone else."
I grabbed his hands in mine and lifted him up. He hugged me and kissed me. "I'm so sorry," he repeated. "Please forgive me."
I looked into his eyes while shaking my head. Then I pushed him away. I floated towards the bed and sat on it, staring out the window.
"So that's it?" Mick said. "You're giving me the silent treatment? Just not talking huh? I can't win with you, can I?"
I kept my back turned to him, not knowing what to do or say. I was hurt and wanted to be left alone.
"Well suit yourself. I have a job to do in the kitchen," he said resignedly.
I didn't see him leave but felt a huge relief as I heard his body stream through the door. Silently I cried while staring out at the endless ocean from our tower window. I didn't know what to do, what to think anymore. Had Mick been nothing but my boyfriend then it would have been an easy choice. I would have left him immediately. But this wasn't just my future we were thinking about. It was also my unborn child's. And Mick was after all the father. Besides I still felt I had played a huge part in him being so mad and part of me still felt like he was right, I had driven him to act the way he did. What I needed to find out now was if there was any way Mick and I could be together in a happy life or would we only end up driving each other insane? Could two people who loved each other really be this bad for one another?
I spotted dolphins playing in the ocean and wished that everything could be that easy, wished I could just not care and live free from worry and pain. Wasn't that what life in eternity was supposed to be like? I heard a sound by the door and froze thinking it could be Mick coming back. Maybe to apologize again? Maybe to yell at me some more? I never knew these days. I braced myself for what was coming. I kept my back turned to the door since I decided to keep giving him the cold shoulder until I felt he had been punished enough or until I figured out what to do. I still thought about leaving him, but something kept me back. Part of me wasn't ready to give up just yet. We had just started our new life as married couple and I didn't like to throw in the towel this early. I still believed in us. Admitted the first days as newlyweds had been quite turbulent, but it wasn't all Mick's fault. I had played my part as well. I could have left when Jason approached me on the balcony during our wedding night. I could just have said a simple “hello” and then left him, but I decided to stay even if I knew it would hurt Mick. It was after all what had started everything, caused the jealousy to blush up again. Mick was right to be jealous, I thought. I did still have feelings for Jason, he was right about that, and it scared him, of course it did. He knew that if Jason suddenly remembered me, if he came to me and remembered his love for me, then Mick would risk losing me. But what I couldn't get him to understand was that I had married him and not Jason and that meant something to me, I wasn't going to throw that overboard just like that. But I couldn't get that through to him properly and it tore him apart. The jealousy would tear us both apart if we didn't do something about it. I just didn't know what. I didn't know how. I wondered if maybe Rahmiel could somehow help us, counsel us when the sound by the door turned into a tiny knocking. I sighed with relief. This meant it wasn't Mick who was coming back. I was glad I didn't have to face him just yet, since I had no idea what to say to him. Somehow this had to stop, this behavior of his. I would help him if possible, but he had to change, he had to learn how to control it.
"Come in," I said and nodded my head slightly. Yes, that was what I was going to say to him. That he had to approach this problem of his, he had to do something about it, or else I would have to leave him. That would be my approach; I thought as Abhik carefully stuck his head through the door and looked around.
"He is not here," I said. "Bring the rest of your body in if you like."
"Phew," Abhik said and streamed through the door. "I saw him go into the kitchen a few minutes ago and hurried back, but was afraid he might somehow have beaten me here," he said and came closer with a concerned look. He reached out and touched my cheek.
"Did he do this?"
I touched it gently. The mark was almost gone. "It's nothing. Didn't even hurt." I turned my head away from Abhik. I didn't want him to look at it and constantly remind him.
"Look at me Meghan," he said.
I turned my head and forced a smile. "It's nothing Abhik. I'm fine, really. It'll all be better soon. We're just going through a rough phase. We have a great marriage on the good days."
"But the good days are getting further apart, aren't they?" He asked.
I lowered my eyes.
Abhik exhaled. "I'm worried about you," he said heavily. "This is so unlike you. To talk like that. I am worried about what he is doing to you."
I looked up and caught Abhik's eyes. "He isn't doing anything to me. I'm in this relationship too. I just have to realize that everything is not about me anymore. I have to consider his feelings as well and stop doing things that I know will hurt him."
"Like what, Meghan? What is it you do to him that is so wrong? Spending time with me? Spending time with your best friend?" Abhik narrowed his eyes and shook his head. "Tell me, Meghan. What is so wrong about that?"
"You're taking it out of context. It's several things. Seeing me with you today just made it explode in him. He is afraid of losing me. He is scared of me not loving him enough, of me loving Jason more than him."
"You know I've always been on Mick's side, I've always rooted for him, made excuses for him, but I have officially withdrawn from the post as his cheerleader. I think he is bad news for you. He is pulling you down and making you into this insecure person who isn't allowed to do anything. Next he'll probably tell you that you can't see me anymore." Abhik paused and looked into my eyes. "Ah, I see. He has already done that, hasn't he? He has forbidden you to see me ag
ain."
"I didn't say I would listen to him. He doesn't get to decide who I see and who I don't see," I argued.
Abhik shook his head. "Maybe not for now. But you know what he will do next? He will give you such a hard time about me every time you mention my name or every time I come here to see you, because I'll keep coming - you bet I will. I'm not stopping just because of him. But he will do anything to keep you from being with anybody else but him. He'll tell you bad things about me and argue with you that you've changed after spending time with me, that I put ideas in your head, stupid ideas, and that you are different when you come back or when I leave. And in the end you will get so sick and tired from all the arguing and bickering that you will just keep away from me, you'll make excuses for not seeing me and finally I'll have to give up because you'll shut me out of your life completely thinking it’s for the best, it’s to save your marriage and your family and then he'll have you all to himself. But that won't even be enough for him. After awhile he'll just find something new to be mad about, something else you do to him that makes him mad with anger. There will always be something. Believe me," Abhik snorted. "I have seen this before. My older sister was in a relationship just like this. She was much older than me and married a guy just like Mick. He hated our family and little by little shut us out and then the world she knew, the friends, then the things she enjoyed, like painting. Slowly but certainly he killed what and who she was and she didn't even see it. In the end just before I died she wanted to go see me, but wasn't allowed. I died without her even coming to say goodbye." Abhik had tears rolling down his cheeks now. "I read about it in my file. How she desperately tried to come and see me while I was still alive, but in the end she had to give up. Now she has to live with that regret for the rest of her life." He grabbed my hand and held it tight. "Please don't end up like her. Please don't, I'm begging you. He is not worth it."
I nodded heavily, then grabbed Abhik by the neck and pulled him close. I hugged him tight while he cried. "I didn't know that about your sister," I said. "I am so sorry."