Usually Bob resented being left to twiddle his thumbs while Peggy did her socializing, but just now, he was grateful for a few moments of solitude.
He didn’t know how long he sat there, alone in the church. Peggy would come and get him when she was ready, he figured, letting his thoughts drift where they would.
“Hello, Bob.” Pastor Flemming stepped into the pew and sat down next to him.
Bob knew Dave, liked him well enough to play golf with him every week. They hardly ever talked about God, which suited Bob just fine. To him, a man’s faith was a private matter.
“Pastor.” Bob smiled in his friend’s direction.
“Something on your mind?” the other man asked.
Bob shook his head. The pastor knew some of the story. He’d been the person who’d recommended that Bob contact Roy McAfee in the first place. He trusted Dave. At the time, he’d been desperate, half-afraid he was losing his mind.
“Well, maybe I do need to talk.” Bob paused and drew in a deep breath. “What you said about forgiveness kind of hit home, you know?”
Pastor Flemming nodded. “It’s in the Lord’s Prayer. We recite it so often we tend to forget what it means.”
Bob agreed. He’d said the prayer at every AA meeting for years, and had never truly understood the part about forgiveness. “You said this morning that we can only accept forgiveness to the extent that we’re able to forgive ourselves.” Those were the words that had struck him with such intensity.
The pastor nodded again.
“Some people require a lot of forgiveness,” Bob murmured.
“We’re all sinners.”
“But like I said,” Bob continued, “there are sins, and then there are sins. Some of us will never find forgiveness. In certain circumstances, it just isn’t possible.”
The pastor said, “In such cases, you do what you can and then you forgive yourself.”
“That isn’t possible, either,” Bob said, unable to keep the despair from his voice.
“Remember what else I said, Bob. Your willingness to forgive others is directly related to your willingness to forgive yourself.”
That wasn’t news Bob welcomed. It had never occurred to him that the two were linked.
He heard a sound at the back of the church and turned around to see that Peggy had appeared. She hesitated when she saw him talking to Pastor Flemming. “You’ve certainly given me something to think about,” Bob mumbled, eager now to escape.
The only way he could figure this out was by himself. He had to stop resisting the memories. Maybe then he could lay them to rest.
Chapter Forty
On the last Saturday morning in August, Grace was scheduled to work the animal shelter’s booth at the Farmers’ Market. On her last stint there, she’d netted Sherlock, who was the remaining kitten in the litter and the only one left without a home. The whole day, she’d had the feeling she’d end up with one of the six kittens that had been placed for adoption. Sure enough, she’d come home with eight-week-old Sherlock.
She always enjoyed the market, especially on days like this-bright and sunny yet not really hot. In the rainy months of winter, she often found it hard to remember how lovely summers could be in the Pacific Northwest.
Today, as usual, the market teemed with activity. The variety of products sold there always impressed her-everything from fresh oysters, plucked only hours earlier from the beach, to knitted afghans.
Grace had her hands full with the animal shelter booth. She’d left Buttercup at home; she was too busy to watch the dog and, besides, Sherlock would keep her company. All morning long, Grace answered questions and talked to the children who crowded around, instantly attracted to the kittens. She had ten this Saturday, plus several mature cats, and hoped to arrange adoptions for at least half.
Grace was grateful she was busy, which helped keep her mind off the fact that Will Jefferson was in town. Olivia had phoned shortly after Will’s arrival to let her know. He’d tried to call her once, but she had Caller ID, and when she saw Charlotte’s name, she let the answering machine pick up. Sure enough, it was Will. Grace feared Charlotte might inadvertently mention that she did volunteer work with the shelter and would be at the market this weekend.
Just when she finally felt she was safe, Grace glanced up and nearly swallowed her tongue. Standing a few feet away from her was Will Jefferson, the man she least wanted to see. Her heart seemed ready to implode. For one crazy moment, all she could do was stare. When her senses returned, she looked sharply away.
Unfortunately, all the children who’d gathered to admire the kittens had drifted off. It was apparently the opportunity Will had been waiting for. He walked toward her, his steps determined and his gaze focused relentlessly on her. He’d always been handsome, and his attractiveness, combined with her schoolgirl fantasies, had blinded her. But Grace wasn’t the same woman she’d been a few months ago.
She squared her shoulders, decided there was no avoiding a confrontation, and scooped up a kitten. The heat of embarrassment reddened her face until she realized she had nothing to be embarrassed about. She wasn’t entirely blameless, but Will was the one who’d lied.
“Hello, Grace.” His greeting was as soft as a caress.
“Hello, Will.” It demanded all her strength to keep her voice even and unemotional.
Grace knew his presence would make her uncomfortable at the wedding unless they cleared the air. She suddenly wondered if Will had sought her out because he wanted to apologize. Like her, he understood that they’d both be at Charlotte and Ben’s wedding. They’d have to make peace-even a superficial peace-or the whole event would be too awkward, not just for themselves but their families and friends.
Grace needed to let him know two things: that she was willing to put the matter behind them and that she wanted nothing more to do with him. For Charlotte and Ben’s sake, she’d be civil.
“You look wonderful,” Will said smoothly.
A sick sensation hit her directly in the stomach. She held the kitten draped over her arm and close to her side, as if for protection. “Olivia told me you were coming for the wedding.”
“Yeah, I figured she would.” He slid his hands in his pockets and struck a casual pose. “I’ll be here for several days.” He let that information fall, apparently expecting a response. “I hoped we could get together.”
“Get together?” She couldn’t have heard him correctly. He couldn’t possibly be suggesting they see each other socially.
“Mom and I are going to dinner tonight, but I’m free on Sunday.”
“You’re asking me to have dinner with you?” The man’s audacity was unbelievable. “You can’t be serious, Will. You lied to me!”
“You’re right, that was unfair, but I’ve always been fond of you, Grace. I’m here-”
“Where’s Georgia?”
He didn’t even blink at the mention of his wife. “Home. We each have our own lives.”
“I’ll bet you do.” Grace couldn’t disguise her sarcasm. She wondered if Georgia knew she was supposed to have her own life. And how about their cruise? Did they have separate lives there-and separate rooms? Not that any of it mattered.
“I arranged my flight to come in early so you and I could talk. Do you realize what you did? You didn’t give me a single chance to explain. You cut me off without listening to a word I had to say.”
“Are you or are you not married?”
He sighed heavily. “Married, but this is important, Grace, for both of us.”
She shook her head. “I don’t have anything to say to you, other than that I don’t care to see you or speak to you ever again.”
He frowned as if saddened by her lack of understanding. “We both know you don’t mean that. You can’t mean it after everything we’ve been to each other.” He took a step closer. “I’ve missed you, Grace. These last few months have been hell without you. Don’t you feel that, too?”
She was careful not to answer him. “I’
m grateful for the lessons you taught me,” she said instead.
He nodded impatiently.
“The thing is, I came so close to-”
“You love me, Grace,” he interrupted. “You did when you were in high school and you do now.”
“I was a teenager then and I’m a woman now. I’m glad to say I occasionally learn from my mistakes.”
“We’re not a mistake,” he said urgently. “Don’t you see that what we had was special?”
He was good; she’d give him that. “What we had was a very big mistake. If you arrived early for the wedding because you wanted to see me, then I’m afraid you’re in for a major disappointment. If I never see you again, I’ll be a happy woman.”
He shook his head firmly. “You can’t mean that,” he said with the same intensity as before.
“I mean every word. Now please…please leave me alone.”
He frowned and turned away, but took only a few steps before he turned back. “I’m staying with my mother, so if you change your mind…”
“I’m not going to. Please don’t contact me again.”
He smiled-a smile obviously calculated to melt her stony heart. “I refuse to believe you’re serious. Okay, you have a right to be angry, but I can’t divorce Georgia. It would devastate her. But if that’s the only way I can have you, then-”
Grace raised her hand to stop him. She’d heard enough, more than enough. “Go. Just go.”
He frowned again, like a petulant child, but finally left. All of a sudden Grace started to shake. Her knees felt like they were about to give way and she sank into the folding chair in the animal shelter booth. Gently stroking the kitten on her lap, she closed her eyes and took in several calming breaths.
“Grace.”
She opened her eyes to find Cliff standing there. “Are you all right?” he asked. “You look pale.”
“I’m fine,” she lied. She’d hoped he’d come here today, wished for just this moment, but not immediately after a confrontation with Will.
“No, you’re not fine,” he said bluntly. “That was Will Jefferson, wasn’t it?”
So Cliff had seen her talking to Will. Her first thought was to defend herself, to explain that she wanted nothing more to do with Olivia’s brother. Instead, huge tears filled her eyes and trailed down her cheeks.
“You cared about him, didn’t you?”
“No,” she cried, and knew that was a lie. “Yes…fool that I was. I did care at one time, but not anymore. Oh, Cliff, don’t you know? It’s you I love. I can’t give up on the two of us. I tried to and I’d almost succeeded but then Lisa-”
“You spoke to Lisa?”
Grace winced; she was only making matters worse.
“You and Lisa talked?” he repeated.
Grace nodded, swallowing hard. “She came to see me at the library, and I’m so grateful she did.”
“What did she say?”
Grace stared down at the sleeping kitten in her lap. “She said you loved me, too.”
He dropped into a crouch so they were at eye-level and tucked his finger beneath her chin. “That was when you started this e-mail campaign, wasn’t it?”
She nodded again. She wondered if her barrage of messages had succeeded. This was the first time they’d actually talked face-to-face, and she wanted to throw her arms around his neck. Well, except for the kitten, of course…
Cliff held her gaze for the longest moment before looking away.
“Did it work?” she whispered.
At first she didn’t think he was going to answer, but then he gave her a lightning-quick smile. “You’re a difficult woman to ignore.”
“I am?” Her heart was jumping inside her chest. “Really?”
“Before I knew it, I was hurrying to the mailbox every day and logging on to my computer, hoping there’d be a note from you.”
The Internet was part of what had gotten her into this mess. It was only fitting that it should be a means of getting back what she’d lost.
“Are you willing to give me another chance?” she asked, holding her breath for fear of what he might say.
“We can begin slowly.”
She bit her lower lip. “Thank you.”
Cliff wiped the tears from her cheeks. “How about if we have a cup of coffee and talk once you’re finished here?”
Grace nodded, so happy she was afraid she’d start crying again. Maybe they could attend Charlotte’s wedding together. She hardly dared hope…
Chapter Forty-One
Cecilia knocked lightly on her employer’s open door. Mr. Cox glanced up from his paperwork, smiling when he saw her.
“I wanted to remind you that I have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon,” she said.
Zachary Cox’s gaze went to his appointment calendar. “Ah, yes, I see that now. As it happens, Rosie and I are taking the afternoon off ourselves.”
Her employer had escaped with his wife for several afternoons this summer. Cecilia suspected they were rediscovering the excitement of being in love, the passion of their early years. “Will Allison be coming in today?”
Mr. Cox nodded absently. “Rosie’s teaching her how to knit. Her first project is a blanket for your baby.”
Cecilia had proudly shared the news of her pregnancy with Allison a week earlier. “That’s so sweet of her.”
Mr. Cox smiled again. “You’ve been very good for my daughter, and this is something she wanted to do for you.”
All Cecilia had really done was listen to the girl. She’d been going through a difficult time after her parents’ divorce, but she seemed to have made a complete turnaround.
“Leave whenever you need to, Cecilia.”
“The ultrasound is scheduled for two-thirty.”
“Is your husband going with you?” Zach asked.
Cecilia nodded. “He wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“Good. I’ll see you in the morning then.”
Cecilia returned to her desk, her spirits high. Every day was special. The dreaded morning sickness had slowly disappeared, just as it did the first time.
Now that he’d accepted her pregnancy, Ian was a hundred percent supportive, his attitude one of eager anticipation. She felt more confident than ever in her husband’s love.
At two-thirty, Ian was waiting for her at the Navy hospital, pacing the hallway outside the technician’s office.
“I’m here,” she said.
Ian hurried over to her. “How are you feeling?”
“All right. Just as important, how are you feeling?”
His grin was so sexy, it was all she could do not to kiss him right then and there. “Excited. We’re going to see a picture of our baby.”
“I’m excited, too.”
He started to open the office door, but Cecilia stopped him. “We should decide now if we want to know the sex of the baby or if we want to wait.”
“Do you want to know?” he asked.
“It doesn’t matter to me either way.”
He agreed. “Me, neither.” He held open the door for her and they walked into the reception area. Several other expectant mothers, at varying stages of pregnancy, were already waiting.
Cecilia went up to the counter and handed over the necessary paperwork, along with her Navy identification. When she’d finished, they sat down next to each other. Ian held her hand and gently rubbed it with his thumb in a soothing, comforting motion. He was nervous, she realized, but then so was she.
It seemed to take forever before her name was called. With a full bladder, she’d found it hard to sit still for that long. But finally it was their turn. Ian entered the inner office with her, after which they were led into the ultrasound room. Once Cecilia was lying on the table, her belly covered with cool gel, she noticed how pale Ian had become. He’d asked to come with her, but now she wondered if this was such a good idea.
“Ian?” Cecilia held out her arm to her husband. His grip was tight as he linked their hands. “Everything’s
okay.”
He nodded. “Of course it is.”
The technician, a woman who wore a name tag that identified her as Jody, directed their attention to the monitor. “We should be able to see the baby in just a moment.”
As the tiny fetus came into view, Ian rose to his feet to get a better look. “That’s our baby?” His voice was filled with surprise and awe.
“That’s your baby,” Jody said softly, moving the paddle over Cecilia’s stomach.
“Is everything all right?” Ian asked. “I mean the baby seems awfully small.”
“She’ll grow.”
“She?” Cecilia repeated.
“I always refer to a fetus as female. Were you hoping for a son?” The question was directed at Ian.
“Either,” he answered, staring at the monitor.
“Is this your first child?”
Ian pulled his gaze away from the screen long enough to look at Cecilia. His eyes darkened with pain.
“Our first baby died shortly after she was born,” Cecilia explained. “That’s the reason Dr. Chalmers ordered the ultrasound. He wants to be sure there aren’t any problems with this pregnancy.”
Jody patted Cecilia’s hand. “So far everything looks perfectly normal.”
It had with Allison, too, Cecilia recalled, but she’d only had the one ultrasound in the early stages of her pregnancy and there hadn’t seemed to be any need for another. Who could have known? Who could have guessed that her baby would be born with a defective heart?
“I’m so sorry about your first baby.” Jody’s voice was sympathetic.
Cecilia glanced at Ian and saw that just talking about Allison had stirred painful memories. “We’re both a little nervous this time around.”
“All we want is a healthy baby,” Ian added.
“Of course you do.” Jody manipulated the paddle a bit more. “Would you like to know the sex of your child?”
“You can tell this soon?” Ian squinted at the screen, as if that would help him decipher what she saw that he didn’t.