Or had she imagined it all, along with the quiver of fear that now ran through her as the anxiety in the eyes of surrounding passengers increased? Was the whole thing a murky dream?
“What do you suppose we’ve missed?” Edith rose and walked to the window. She turned back to Iris, her brow wrinkled. “Do you think we’re really in danger?”
“This is the Titanic. She’s the ocean’s queen.” Iris tried to steady her voice. She looked around the restaurant, taking comfort in the fact that so many remained at their tables. “Besides, they would let us know if something serious had happened.” Closing her sketch pad, she rose from her seat. “Don’t you think?”
“One would think. But why else would they have stopped? Doesn’t make any sense.”
Just about the time she felt sure the others were overreacting, a wild-eyed young woman rushed into the room and spoke urgently. “They want us on deck. We need to hurry.” As her words rang out, Iris’s breath caught in her throat.
A steward appeared behind the woman; his brow was knitted in obvious concern. “Everyone into your life jackets and then to the lifeboats!”
Iris looked about, noticing that a handful of passengers stayed in their seats, some sipping drinks, others eating.
“It’s just a precaution,” an older fellow muttered. “Really, nothing to worry about.”
“Haven’t they heard? This ship is unsinkable!” the woman across from him said and then laughed.
Edith looked at Iris, her eyes wide, then took several fast steps away from the table and out of the room, muttering something about her pet pig.
Iris shook her head, wondering what sort of woman this new boss of hers might be. Not that she had time to think about it. With the crowd now pressing in around her, Iris felt herself being nudged along. What else could she do but head to the lifeboats?
Monday Morning, April 15, 1912
Just Past Midnight, Southampton, England
Jacquie curled herself into a fetal position in the hotel bed, her heart as heavy as a stone. In a hazy, dreamlike state, she wondered if perhaps the last few days had been merely a horrible nightmare. Would she awaken in her own bed at Abingdon Manor and chuckle at how real it had all seemed, or would the sun rise over Southampton, casting its light on her sin for all to see?
Overcome, she beat her fist into the pillow and tried to pray. Her prayers bounced off the ceiling and slapped her in the face. Surely even God Himself had forsaken her.
She needed answers.
She needed a plan.
Moments later, her thoughts swirling, she sat up in the bed and released a slow, agonizing breath. Only one thing made sense. With no one to turn to, she would have to go away—away from London, away from Southampton—away from England.
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow she would go to the White Star Line and purchase a ticket to leave everyone and everything she knew.
Where she would go, she could not say.
Did not care.
She would go somewhere. Anywhere.
Anywhere but here.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Monday Morning, April 15, 1912, 12:10 a.m.
Aboard the Titanic
Nathan watched as the lifeboats were swung out and lowered from A Deck, where he now stood, frozen in place, both by the cold and the terror that gripped him.
Stay calm, Nathan. Stay calm.
The words “Women and children only!” rang out across the chaos, and he looked on as wide-eyed, terrified passengers in their cork-filled life jackets were marshaled into haphazard lines. A few pushed their way to the front, but for the most part, the women seemed too frighten to board the lifeboats, which dangled precariously over the side of the ship. Many argued with the seamen, insisting they were safer onboard Titanic. Nathan could see their point, certainly, but he knew they were better off following the captain’s orders.
He turned to seek out Tessa but could not find her. She must have slipped away through the crowd. He ushered up a frantic prayer for God to keep her safe then turned his attentions back to an elderly woman who needed assistance. When the woman saw the boat swinging to and fro, she cried out, terrified. Another younger woman took her arm and, with a lighthearted voice, assured her that this was all just a silly precaution. Then she began to rave about the glassy sea and the twinkling stars above.
“It’s just a slight mishap, I’m sure,” the girl said as she helped the woman into the lifeboat. “We must look at this as an adventure. Something we can tell our children and grandchildren about.”
At this point the older woman lit into a conversation about her grandchildren. Minutes later, she was all smiles as she settled into her seat in the lifeboat.
Nathan continued to work alongside several others, convincing the ladies to heed instructions. In the back of his mind, he wondered about Mother. Had she made it safely into a lifeboat? And Jacquie. Er, Tessa. Where was she?
He did his best to still his racing heart every time he thought about her, about everything she had just shared. How could everything change in the blink of an eye?
He forced his attention back to his work. The first boat met its quota of passengers and was lowered with great care onto the murky blackness of the Atlantic, and the process began again with the second lifeboat. And the third. By the time they had loaded a half dozen or so boats, Titanic began to list. Nathan only noticed it in passing at first, but with each ten or fifteen minutes, the angle intensified.
He watched as a family of five attempted to board a lifeboat. The father was turned away and his oldest son, as well. The boy looked to be about twelve or thirteen.
“My boy!” His mother let out an ear-piercing shriek, and the seaman finally conceded to let the young man into the lifeboat, though he relayed instructions to everyone within hearing distance that no more should do so.
Finally convinced that he was no longer needed, Nathan ran to the other side of the boat, where passengers were being loaded in a similar fashion, though many lifeboats on this side were not limited to women and children only. He watched as Mr. Ismay helped several women board a boat.
In the crowd he caught a glimpse of his mother, and Nathan’s heart leaped for joy. “Mother!”
“Nathan!” She ran his way and propelled herself into his arms, the cork-filled life jacket swallowing her frame. “I thought I wasn’t going to be able to find you.”
“I wanted to go back to the room but couldn’t get away. We have to get you on a lifeboat. Quickly.”
“I can’t get on without you.” She clutched his hand. “Promise me you won’t leave me alone on one of those boats. I’ll be terrified. You know I can’t swim.”
“Please don’t worry. The ship is built to withstand a bit of water, and I’m sure they’ve already got the problem under control. The lifeboats are surely just a precaution. And you’ve got your life belt. No need to worry. Climb on in.”
“But I can’t go alone. You know me better than that. I’ll be too frightened.”
“You must. I’ve got to stay here and help. They’re calling for people to go to the cabins and wake people up.”
Mother placed her hands on her hips. “Well, if you won’t go with me, James must.”
“I doubt they’ll let him on, Mother. It’s women and children only.”
She pointed at the lifeboat being lowered beside them, which was filled with a vast array of men and women. “No, see? Men too. I’m going to find James. He was in the smoking room.”
She took off running in the opposite direction, disappearing from view seconds later. Nathan wanted to run after her but realized it would be pointless, with this crowd. Besides, as he made his way through the maze of passengers, the face of the one he’d been searching for came into view.
He saw her from a distance, helping children into a lifeboat. Working with great care, she helped those who could not help themselves. But he would make sure she got into one of the lifeboats too.
She.
Wh
oever “she” was.
Right now, her name didn’t matter. Tessa. Jacquie. Who cared? All that mattered was getting the woman he loved to safety.
Monday Morning, April 15, 1912, 12:27 a.m.
Aboard the Titanic
Violent shaking held Tessa in its grip as she worked alongside others loading the lifeboats. How many times had she heard fathers cry out to their children, “Go on, now! Be brave. Daddy will be along in the next boat.”
She knew it wasn’t true, of course. There weren’t enough lifeboats for everyone. Not even close. Oh, but how her heart ached with every family torn apart! How she fought to hold back the tears as terrified children clambered into shaky lifeboats.
Just about the time she’d decided to run to the Verandah Cafe to look for Iris, she saw Nathan’s face through the crowd. He raced through the mob of people and swept her into his arms, pressing kisses into her hair. In that moment, everything she had worried about faded away.
“We’ve got to get you into this boat.” He gestured to Lifeboat Eleven.
Tessa shook her head. “No, I have to find Iris.” The trembling in her arms and legs made walking nearly impossible, but she knew she must try. For Iris’s sake, she must try.
“Tessa, please. I beg of you. Get in.”
She had just opened her mouth to argue the point when Jessie and little Annie drew near. Tears dribbled down the youngster’s cheeks, but Jessie looked unshaken.
“Jessie!” Tessa wrapped her arms around her friend. “Oh, thank God you’re all right.”
“Miss Jacquie!” Annie hurled herself into Tessa’s arms. “Oh, Miss Jacquie, Papa is still on the ship. He won’t come.”
“Uncle John told me to keep the faith,” Jessie said, her shoulders squared. “He said we are to get into a lifeboat and do as we are instructed.” She grabbed Tessa’s hand. “You must come with us.”
Tessa looked back at the crowd, suddenly feeling woozy. The mob grew larger by the moment, people now crying out and shoving one another. In that moment, the decision was made. She could join them, but not before saying good-bye to Nathan. She reached out for him, and he drew her into an embrace then planted kisses in her hair.
“It’s going to be fine,” he whispered, his breath warm against her ear. “But I’ll feel better if you’re on the lifeboat.”
“Promise you’ll get on one too?” The words came out with a visible tremor.
He squelched her concerns with a gentle kiss, one that almost made her forget the situation taking place around them. Almost. Then, with the crowd pressing in, she felt herself slipping from his arms.
“God will take care of us.” She felt the assurance of the words as they were spoken.
“He will.”
With Nathan’s help, the ladies boarded Lifeboat Eleven and settled into their seats. The boat rocked back and forth, hitting the side of the ship. Annie’s gut-wrenching cries ripped the night.
“Miss Jacquie, it’s so c–cold.” The youngster’s teeth chattered, and Tessa pulled her into a tight grip. Her head ached, in part from the trembling and in part from the chaos of people crying out around them. Seconds later, Jessie joined them and they huddled together, barely looking up as others entered.
A woman dressed in a fabulous mink coat made her way into the boat, beginning to instruct the others and generally play the role of captain of their little lifeboat. Behind her came Edith Russell, holding what appeared to be a baby in a blanket. She took her seat and fussed over the blanket, cooing and coddling, as if to comfort the little babe.
As they huddled together to ward off the cold, Tessa found herself gripped with fear.
Where is Iris? Is she all right?
Tessa squeezed Jessie’s hand and gazed into her friend’s eyes, feelings of delirium settling in. Surely this was all a dream. A terrifying dream from which they would awaken in the morning. Yes, in the morning she would stand onboard Titanic’s Boat Deck, drinking in the sunshine and anticipating their arrival in New York.
In that moment, she thought about the letter Jacquie had written to her grandmother. The one on the desk in the suite.
“Oh, no!”
“What is it?” Jessie asked, her voice laced with compassion.
“I—I left something in the room.”
“No bother.” Jessie gave her hand a squeeze. “We will be back in our rooms in no time. You can fetch whatever it is then.”
Tessa did her best to calm down. Really, what did it matter now? She would trade a thousand letters just to see Iris again. She would forego all of this—her new life in America, the opportunity to begin again—just for one more conversation with her friend.
Tessa steadied her breathing, but the trembling in her arms and legs could not be squelched. Bitter cold racked her extremities, and she rubbed her arms in an attempt to calm herself.
“Jessie, do you still believe what you said this morning on the ship?” she managed at last. “About God being a merciful Father?”
“I—I do.” Tears streamed down Jessie’s cheeks.
“Then pray, Jessie. Pray for Iris. Pray that He will bring her to us.”
April 15, 1912, 12:33 a.m.
Aboard the Titanic
Iris rushed to her room to find her life jacket and fetch the yard of Kenmare lace, which she tucked into her sketch pad. Glancing down at the desk, she happened to notice the letter addressed to Jacquie’s grandmother. Tessa would need this. Iris snatched it and pressed it into the inner pocket of her jacket. She then fussed with the strings on her life jacket, finally getting them fastened. Afterward, she made her way through the throng of people in the Grand Staircase toward A Deck.
Never had she seen so many people pressed together in one place. Somehow she found herself on the starboard side of A Deck moments later. Perhaps the mob had pressed her there. When she saw Nathan at the ship’s edge, she could hold back the tears no longer.
“Iris!” He called out to her and waved.
She ran that direction, and he gave instruction for the lifeboat to pause in midair. “I—I can’t make it from here.”
“You must. They can fit you onboard, Iris. Go. Now.”
She released a puff of air, tucked her sketch pad under her arm, and somehow managed to grab hold of the edge of the lifeboat, which now hung suspended several stories above the vast expanse of water below.
As she scrambled over the edge of the icy-cold boat, Iris lost her grip on the sketchbook. It slipped out of her hand, and she cried out. For a moment, it appeared to float through the air, as if defying gravity. Then, quickly, the errant pages slid over the edge of the lifeboat and fell down, down, down into the waters below. She let out a shriek, her heart broken.
Gone!
Gone were her dreams, her plans.
Gone was the hope that she could make something of her life, be something—someone—more than she had been.
All gone. Buried in the depths of the sea.
With the cries of those ringing out around her, no one could hear her wails, surely. Reaching over the edge, she gazed down, nausea setting in as she realized how far down the water was.
“Don’t!” A woman in a mink stole pulled her back. “You’ll tip the boat and we’ll land upside down!”
“But…” She gazed into the murky darkness of the water as the sketches, her precious sketches, disappeared from view. Her heart sank with them.
Iris heard someone call her name and glanced across the lifeboat, seeing Tessa. Suddenly the sketch pad meant nothing. She flew to her friend’s arms, tears flowing as their lifeboat was lowered to the sea.
April 15, 1912, 12:44 a.m.
Aboard the Titanic
Nathan looked on as Iris landed inside the lifeboat, and then he gave the “all clear” signal for the boat to be lowered. He felt his heart sink as the women disappeared from view. Still, others needed him.
Off in the distance, a rocket fired into the sky, its colors lighting the night and bringing a surge of hope. Surely another s
hip would see. Would come. Several minutes later another rocket shot off, and then another. With each colorful blast, his hopes rose.
Nathan continued to work alongside the other men loading the boats until he heard someone call his name. Looking across the crowd, he saw James Carson, dressed in full tuxedo with every hair in place.
“Son!”
The word did not carry its usual sting until James followed it with a question.
“Where is your mother?”
Nathan shook his head, his thoughts tumbling. “She went to look for you. I tried to get her into a lifeboat, but she wouldn’t go alone, and I can’t go. It’s women and children only.”
James’s eyes reflected his concern. “I will go to your cabin to find her.”
“No.” Nathan squared his shoulders. “I will go myself. Please stay here and take over for me, James.” He turned, half ashamed at the bitter outburst and half proud of himself for standing up for what was right. He would fetch Mother himself and situate her in a lifeboat. What would happen after that, he could not say.
As he took his first steps away from the crowd, James grabbed his arm.
“Nathan, listen. Please.”
“I don’t have time right now, James. Surely you can see that.” He glanced back but continued to walk, the older man now following on his heels.
“I know, but this is important. We might not have another opportunity, and there’s something I must get off my chest regarding your mother.”
Nathan stopped and put a hand up. “Please, James, don’t.” He didn’t want to hear any of his mother’s indiscretions in his last minutes of life. “Whatever happened is over and forgotten. All that matters is this moment, and in this moment I have to get Mother safely onboard a lifeboat.”
“I’m not talking about the past, son. What I have to tell you affects our future.” James’s eyes filled with tears as the ship jolted, the deck now dangerously tilted. “I must tell you this before you go.”