Max was already out back, cleaning the grill from the night before. Kelson scrounged around and found an old pan that he could use to prepare the coffee in. She also found a cast iron skillet, and went out to help him turn the bread and cheese into grilled cheese sandwiches.
Sandy and I walked out back to assess the damage. First, we wandered over to the cars. Aegis drove a black Corvette, and it looked like it had taken a few scratches from branches skittering across the hood, but otherwise, it seemed to be in one piece. My CR-V had lucked out, escaping without a scratch. But then we came to Sandy’s retro hippie mobile.
The van was a bright lime green, with pink and orange and blue flowers painted on it. It captured the spirit of the 1960s, but in looks only. She had had it retrofitted with every comfort, and to make it as ecologically sound as possible. But now, that beautiful shining green van had a massive fir tree lying across the middle of it. The tree had fallen dead center, squashing the van and almost cutting it in half. Luckily, no one had been inside of it.
“I don’t think there’s much left to fix,” I said cautiously, stepping around to the other side.
Sandy let out a groan. “Buying a new car this month wasn’t in my plans. And it will take me a couple months to commission another one of these.” She sighed. “Lihi, I need you.”
Within seconds, a very cute twelve-inch-high homunculus appeared. Lihi and Sandy had forged a contract together. Lihi was at Sandy’s beck and call whenever she needed, and in return, Sandy paid her two crystals a month—extremely prized currency in Lihi’s realm. Lihi did whatever Sandy asked, and the two were bound to each other for at least seven years. Lihi looked like a winged faerie with a long tail, bat wings, and pointed ears. She wore pink leather hot pants and a matching halter top.
“You need me, boss?” Lihi caught sight of the van and let out a gasp. “Uh oh. That’s not good.” She flew over to the van and landed on the roof near the front.
“No shit, Sherlock. I need you to go back to my place and see how Alex is faring. Tell him what happened to the van, and have him drive over here in the sedan. Max and I are going to need a way to get home. Also, have him contact my insurance company and open a claim on the van. Let me know when you get in touch with him.” Sandy just shook her head as she stared at the van. “Sometimes, Mama Nature can be a bitch.”
Lihi gave her a salute and vanished. More than once, Sandy had encouraged me to forge a contract with a homunculus, but given that I had a cjinn and had recently picked up an owl as a familiar who decided that I was his witch, that would be more responsibility than I could handle.
We turned and walked away from the cars, heading into the back yard. I had three acres of land, part of it forest land. I planned to turn the forest into a campground and rent out spaces for people who would rather go glamping than stay in the bed-and-breakfast.
My immediate back yard consisted of an entire lot, with several large oak and maple trees near the house. But the branch that was jutting through my roof seemed to have come from one of the Douglas firs near the driveway. It was massive, but the storm had ripped it off like stripping paper off a signboard. It had punched a hole directly through the roof in what looked to be several places.
“I’m going to need a ladder,” I said.
Sandy gave me a sideways look. “Maddy, you do not need to go climbing a ladder. Let’s face facts. You’re not the most athletically inclined person. Leave this to the professionals.”
Frustrated, I gave in. She was right. I was neither adept nor graceful when it came to physical activity, and the roof looked like it had been through a tornado, slick with leaves and branches scattered over the shingles as well as the hole.
“All right. Who should I call? You know anyone who can take down a tree?” I knew the president of the local arborists group, but they met to discuss trees, not fix roofs or do the heavy lifting of removing downed trees.
“Didn’t Ralph have a branch crash through his roof last month? When Fata Morgana was here?”
I blinked. Sandy was right. “Yeah. We’ll walk over there in a while and ask him who he called. But I will tell you, my idea of fun does not include a morning spent fending off Ralph Greyhoof’s advances. Or his digs.”
The satyr was constantly ogling every woman he came across, and he was a social nightmare. He and I had a lot of baggage between us, because he had decided that I opened up the Bewitching Bedlam in order to steal his customers. He and his brothers ran the Heart’s Desire Inn, ostensibly a small country hotel. But the reality was that they were operating a brothel catering to sex-hungry women just aching to be serviced by horny satyrs.
I had tried to get it through his thick skull that I wasn’t infringing on his clientele in the least. The women—and a few men—who booked rooms at his inn weren’t looking for what I was offering, and there wasn’t a chance in hell they’d find what they wanted at the Bewitching Bedlam. Ralph and I were attempting to put our animosity aside because unfortunately, the feud he had started had inadvertently led to at least one death.
I looped my arm through Sandy’s. “How about we go take a look in the attic, now that it’s light?”
“I’ve got a better idea,” she said. “Why don’t we have coffee and breakfast first? That will put us both in a better mood, though I’m thinking mimosas might take the edge off even more.”
“Yeah, but do you really want to be full of champagne when we head over to Ralph’s?”
She grinned. “Good point. All right. Coffee it is.”
We were waiting on breakfast when Lihi returned.
“Alex and Mr. Peabody are fine. The house is good. A tree came down in the yard, but it didn’t hit anything,” the homunculus said. “But Alex won’t be able to get here until around five. There’s a big tree blocking the main road in front of your house, and it’s slow going with the chain saw. He was told that they’d have it clear around four, so expect him after that.”
“Thanks, Lihi. Why don’t you pop over and tell Jenna that we’re okay. The school passed through unscathed except for the power outage, but I imagine she’d be happy to see you.” Sandy waved as Lihi saluted her, then vanished. “I hope Lihi never decides to give up this gig. I’ve come to rely on her a lot. In fact, I’ve grown very fond of that little homunculus. And Jenna just adores her.”
“I can see why,” I said, sniffing as the aroma of food and coffee hit me. My stomach rumbled. “Come on. Time to eat.”
Good to their word, Max and Kelson had coffee, grilled cheese sandwiches, and a fruit salad waiting. Henry had come down and was eating at the dining room table, his nose in a book. He was always polite about respecting our privacy, and I didn’t mind that he had made himself a regular lodger. He paid his rent—I had lowered it because he paid by the month—and never caused trouble. But given the situation, I thought I should offer him the option of moving to another hotel. I sat down beside him and he pushed his book back, marking his place with an embroidered bookmark.
“Henry, we have no clue when the power’s going to be back on. And we have to have the roof fixed. Are you sure you still want to stay here? We’re not going to be able to provide hot meals or water for at least a couple of days, I think.”
He blinked, then shook his head. “That’s not a problem. I can always go to the gym and take a shower there, provided they have electricity. And I don’t mind eating out for a few days.”
I let out a sigh. “Well, I don’t feel right taking full rent from you for this time. How about a twenty-five percent discount until we’re back up and running at normal operations?”
Henry pushed his glasses up on his nose and nodded. “Don’t worry about me. I’m good. Besides, I want to make certain Franny is all right. I hate to say it, but I think I upset her last night. And I haven’t seen her this morning.”
“Right.” I wasn’t sure what to say. Whatever they were up to was none of my business, but I could only foresee it ending in heartache. I sto
od and headed back to the kitchen.
Once we ate and had our coffee, which Max had masterfully crafted, Sandy and I headed over to Ralph’s. Kelson and Max had decided to poke around in the attic, and I decided to let them. Both were sturdy as hell, and frankly, I didn’t want to just rely on someone I was paying to fix the mess to give me the full picture.
As Sandy and I strolled down the road toward Ralph’s place, the evidence of how bad the storm had been was everywhere. Tree after tree had come down, and a few live power lines were buzzing along the side of the road. We called them in, and I was grateful that at least the cell towers were still up and functioning.
The Heart’s Desire Inn was picturesque, surrounded by rose bushes and hydrangeas. In summer they were a profusion of color. A beautiful old oak tree had stood in the front yard, but it came down during a storm in October. The inn itself was a two-story house, with siding the color of white mist, and red and gold trim around the windows. Flower boxes containing the last of the autumn marigolds rested beneath each window. The door was bright red, with a brass handle and door knocker.
I had to give it to the Greyhoof boys, they had good taste when it came to decor. Although, come to think of it, a number of the recent upgrades were due to Ralph’s current girlfriend, Ivy Vine. Wood nymphs always had expensive tastes, and she was rubbing off on Ralph in all the right ways. I just prayed she never found out about the brief tryst he had had with Fata Morgana, because wood nymphs also had nasty tempers and they didn’t like to share lovers unless it was their idea. All in all, she had been a good influence on Ralph and he was easier to manage since he had taken up with her.
As we ascended the steps, stepping over several broken branches that the wind had flung against the house, the door opened and Ralph peeked out. He was about six-three, with well-defined muscles. The fur on his legs was silky brown and his hair was swept back in a ponytail that hung down to his butt. His eyes were smoky topaz, and he flashed his very white teeth at us. I suspected he’d been to the dentist for a bleaching treatment.
“Maddy, what can I do for you?” He glanced at Sandy. “Morning.”
“Hey, Ralph. I need the name of the company you used when the tree came down in your yard.” I pulled out my phone, bringing up the note app.
Ralph groaned. “Don’t tell me you got hit?”
“Tree on Sandy’s car. Tree branch through my roof. Double whammy. So, do you still have his number?” I hoped he wouldn’t refuse to help. Ralph’s paranoia had calmed some, but he was still one of the most suspicious satyrs I had ever met. And I had dated more than a few in my time.
He stared at us, then stepped back and opened the door. “I’ll get his name for you.”
When we entered the inn, it was as dark as my house. Apparently they had been hit by the power outage as well. We followed him into the living room and sat on the edge of the sofa while he vanished through a door. I stared at one of the recliners, trying to bleach my brain from the image of Fata Morgana impaled on Ralph’s cock. I had accidentally barged in on them, and frankly, that was a sight I could go my life without seeing again.
“You’re imagining it, aren’t you?” Sandy poked me in the arm. She knew the story.
I stuck my tongue out at her. “Don’t even go there.”
“Remember, they invited you to join them. You could have been part of that little ménage.”
“Shut up. Fata’s the one who invited me, not Ralph. And like you’ve never had a threesome with a satyr before.” I glared her into submission. We had a long past together, and there had been a crazy time when we partied balls-to-the-wall, hanging out with a group of satyrs and wood nymphs, doing just about everyone we encountered.
Just then, Ralph emerged from the back and handed me a piece of paper with the name, address, and phone number of the tree company written on it.
“They’re good. They didn’t take too long and they were reasonably priced.” He paused, then added, “I’m sorry I seemed so gruff at the door. I just… Ivy found out about Fata,” he blurted out.
I groaned. “Yeah, that would do it. Who told her?”
“Me. I was watching Dr. Phil and he was talking about the need for openness and honesty in a relationship and…”
Sandy and I stared at him. “You were watching Dr. Phil?”
Ralph shrugged, blushing. “I thought I could learn how to be a better boyfriend.”
“Dude, next time, come to us. Ivy’s a wood nymph. They’re fucking jealous as hell when they’ve claimed a man. I’ve partied down with them—Sandy too—but they were unattached. The moment a wood nymph claims you, you do not tell her you boinked a would-be goddess. Even though Fata lured you into it, you just don’t blurt that out to your wood nymph girlfriend.” I rubbed my forehead. “Did she break up with you?”
He shook his head. “Not exactly. She’s decided that I need to prove my love.”
Sandy and I locked gazes. That could mean a variety of things, but Ralph wasn’t on the swift side, and there was a good chance the wood nymph was having fun at his expense.
“How so?” I asked, pocketing the address.
“Well, I’m working a night job too, now, because she insists on an emerald bracelet. She also forced me to go on a diet, I’m at the gym three times a week, and she won’t have sex with me until she says I’ve learned my lesson. She won’t let me take care of my guests, either.”
Sandy arched her eyebrows. “By ‘taking care’ of your guests I’m assuming she means you can’t sleep with them.”
He nodded. “That’s really hurt business. My brothers are good, but not as good as I am.”
“You do know that, generally, innkeepers and bed-and-breakfast owners don’t sleep with their customers, Ralph. Right?” I said it softly, thinking maybe this was the chance to get through to him how different our businesses actually were.
“Maybe not, but it worked for us. In the past three weeks, we’ve had four guests check out early, claiming they didn’t get what they paid for.” His shoulders slumped. The satyr looked defeated. “I don’t know what to do. My brothers are pissed at me. My girlfriend is pissed at me. They’re all pissed at each other. It’s one big pissing contest.”
I didn’t want to be stuck giving him advice. For one thing, if it backfired I knew full well that Ralph would blame me. For another, it was just such a nasty situation that I really didn’t want to get involved. But Sandy stepped up to the plate.
“Ralph, what matters to you most? The inn, or your girlfriend? Because unless your brothers agree to switch directions on how you cater to your guests, you’re not going to be able to please them. And if you want to make Ivy happy, then you’ll have to change the focus of your clientele.”
“I was afraid you’d say that,” the big lug grumbled.
“Do you love Ivy? And I’m talking more than lust here. Do you truly love her? Can you see yourself making a life with her?” I couldn’t imagine Ralph settling down, but stranger things had happened.
Ralph sat down in the recliner and once again, I had a flash of him and Fata. I must have grimaced because he got a big dopey grin on his face. “You wish it had been you and not her, right?”
I counted to five before answering. It didn’t help.
“You idiot. This is why Ivy’s pissed at you. You can’t even be around another woman without making some lewd comment, can you? Even though your…tryst…with Fata wasn’t exactly your fault, the fact is that Ivy knows that a relationship with you has got to be a challenge.”
He blinked, looking startled. “What? You mean I can’t even joke around?”
“Jokes are supposed to be funny, not creepy. Telling another woman that you think she wants to fuck you is slimy. Especially when you’re supposed to be in love with somebody else.” I threw up my hands. “You know what? You want to keep Ivy? You’re going to have to pray for a miracle. Because I just don’t believe you have the monogamy gene in you. But then, satyrs usually don
’t, so I have no clue why Ivy thinks you can manage it. That’s why most of you aren’t married. Thanks for the info on the roofers.” I turned to Sandy. “Come on, let’s go.”
Ralph followed us to the door, a hangdog look on his face. “I’m sorry, Maddy—I didn’t mean it. Really.”
As I headed toward the steps, I turned around and stared at him. “I’m not the one you need to apologize to. If you really, truly want to keep Ivy, you’re going to have to decide what matters most to you. And then put your money where your mouth is.”
As Sandy and I headed up the road, back to the Bewitching Bedlam, Ralph followed us out and watched us leave. I couldn’t help but feel that he was watching our asses rather than mulling over the advice we had given him.
BY NOON, THE tree trimming company—Dev’s Tree Service—had arrived. It didn’t hurt that Sandy offered to pay for rush service, given we needed to get the tree off of her van so it could be hauled away. Dev Myers and his crew took one look at the downed fir and grimaced.
“I’ll set my men to cutting up the tree on Ms. Clauson’s van while I take a look at the branch on your roof and the tree it came from.” He paused. “Do you also want me to check the other trees in your yard to see if any of them have been damaged or compromised? I’m also an arborist.”
I nodded. “Wonderful. Please, do what you need to do. We’re entering storm season and I’d rather be safe than sorry.”
Visions of dollar bills floated away as he rubbed his hands together and headed out to take a look. He was half-human, he had told us when he arrived. His father was a wood spirit, his mother was human, and so he had a leg up on trees. He was quite capable of talking to them and getting them to answer. A regular tree whisperer. Whether they ever lied to him, I wasn’t sure, but I trusted his educated opinion a lot more than my calculated guess.
Kelson had built new fires in the fireplaces. Although grateful the chimneys were away from the area where the tree had crashed through, I still incanted a fire charm to protect the house from any wayward sparks.